Well my wife returned from Europe last night since being gone from 11/16/01. It was the counselor suggestion that she get away since I caught her being involved with a man she works with about two months ago. The man left last month thank god.
I was very nervous to see her but everyone did tell me to have no expectations. For the most part I had no expectations. I gave her a hug when she arrived at the airport. I gave her a good hug but she had one arm on the push cart and she just sort of gave me a small hug with one hand. I did kiss her on the lips but it wasn't anything romantic or like that. So on the drive home and when we got home we did a lot of talking about her trip and not the relationship.
The part that got a little bad is that she told me she told her grandma about what is going on with us when she was over there. I found out from my mother-in-law that my wife told her grandma everything. That her grandma told my wife what are you doing and that you are screwing up your life. Also her grandma told her to quit hanging out with her looser friends. Basically she heard from someone she respects a lot the same thing that everyone else has been telling her. Well my wife doesn't know that I knew about what she spoke to her grandma about. My wife said that her grandma was very cool and supported her on what she was doing. That her grandma said to follow her heart. Now this is the part that I can't believe. From what her grandma told my mother-in-law it wasn't anything like this. That her grandma told her what are you doing. So is my wife holding back because she knows she heard again something she didn't want to hear? Or do you think her grandma lied to her daughter-in-law? As if she told us what we wanted to hear and not what she really said to my wife? My mother-in-law is going to call her and try to find out what she said really to my wife. I personally believe my wife knows she screwed up really bad but doesn't want to admit it to me or anyone else. What do you think?
Here is the part that I need some big advice on. Hopefully somebody can give me some advice who has been down this path so they can lead me in the right direction. I told my wife last night that it was really good to see her at home. She said Thank You to me. I tried giving her a kiss goodnight but she turned and I kissed her cheek. I said how about the lips and she said don't push it. This morning before she left for work I gave her a big hug and I told her once again how much it meant to me to see her at home. As I was hugging her she said just don't push it and that she is trying to work on it. But she did say I am just not there yet to me.
So here is the hard part. Do I keep trying to push the line with giving her a hug or a kiss? Or do I just sit back and wait for her to do it? I don't think she will do it because she knows she has hurt me bad. I do know that the hugs make her feel good because she has started hugging me longer and I have to stop the hug before she will. So what does anyone suggest in this situation? I am treading on very thin ice. Do I give her the space she needs and let her do whatever she wants? Do I try to ask her to do something with me or do I sit back and let her ask me do something? I need a lot of suggestions and advice.......

Simple question...do you want to be the chaser, or do you want to chased?<p>Let her come to you...the last thing you want to do is push anything physical at this point.

Towardsthefutre...
Of course I want her to chase me. I don't think she will do that at this time. I don't want to ruin our chances of making our marriage work by sitting back and doing nothing. I want to try and balance that fine line of doing enough but not too much. If that makes sense. I suppose you have to say I have to put the bait out there inorder for her to chase it.

Confused,
I've been in the same boat for a few months now, things are getting noticably better for us. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] It's walking a tightrope man. If you back off too far nothing changes or they have a "reason" to withdraw further if you try too much you're pushing and clingy...<p> I'm taking it one moment, one hug at a time. Sometimes it's welcome and others it's not, I never know until I try. I've certainly became more adept at reading her body language! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] The hard part for me was not getting frustrated at the inconsistency and her complete disregard at times. I have to get out of the house to recharge my batteries every now and then. <p> As I said, things are getting much better for us, she's still on the fence but I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It all started with a hug. They started getting longer and hse'd not let go first and escalated from there. It sounds like you're on the right track to me man. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Confused,<p>There is a book that I am reading right now that may help you both in the short run and the long run. It is called The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis. I started reading it yesterday while sitting at jury duty and it seems to follow the same principles as MB only there is a little more insight on some steps to follow. Her program is a seven step program that is basically plan a then there is a chapter that deals with infidelity and the unique issues that go along with an A. She also has a plan b that is described in that chapter. <p>It is really a good book and may be able to help you with some of your questions. Your question above reminded me of one of the chapters I read yesterday that deals with looking to see how well something is working and if is not working making a change. Maybe giving you wife the affection you are offering right now is making her uncomfortable and what she needs is some space. Pay very close attention to her reactions. For example, my WH and I went to the movies a few nights ago. The time before last when we went to the movies he took my hand and held it between his two hands for the last half of the movie. However, the next time when he did not take my hand I placed my hand on his knee, when he did not respond, I simply looked for an opportunity to move it (when I took a drink of my soda). Two nights ago the same thing happened. Now I do not know what was different the last two times than the first time, but next time I will not make any moves. It will be up to him. <p>Good luck!

I guess the best thing to do is Plan A her...be there for her to lean on, and prove to her that you're heeding what she's told you about her needs by trying to meet them without expectations. If you need improving, improve yourself. Remember that she's there because she chooses to be. You've decided that you want to give things a shot...but the ball's in her court now, and you can't make her decision for her regarding staying or going.

TowardsTheFuture...
Well my wife has not told me about any needs that I haven't been meeting. I tried getting her to fill out the emotional needs survey but she just let it sit around for the past 5 weeks or so. So at this point I am trying to piece together the small things this other guy and here were talking about. She has dropped some small clues so I am going off of that.
She says I need to be more spontaneous. That I need to not plan as much and sort of go with the flow.
If we go out I just need to relax some and not worry about what others may think of us.
She has been smoking pot which I have never done. I did say why doesn't she do it in front of me. I don't think I would do it but I think it is a safer environment for her to do it in. She tells me she never buys it but if someone offers it she will smoke it. I would rather have her buy it and smoke it at home versus her smoking with friends and co-workers.
I did notice that we need to spend time just talking during dinner for example. This running home and eating dinner over the TV doesn't cut it. Also I noticed I need to talk with her more about anything and everything. That I don't need to assume she is 100% happy. I have sent her flowers and cards now that all this has happened. She says why didn't I do that before, well that was my mistake. So I have to try and keep showing her that I do love her and care for her. Especially in the way she needs to see and feel it.
I know I have several things I have to improve with myself. I do hope she opens up and tells me more things that I haven't been doing or meeting for her.
I lost her once and I haven't gotten her back into our marriage. I will do everything I can to make myself a better husband for her and me.

Well, Confused...until she's ready to truly come to the table, what you're doing sounds like all you CAN do...it does sound like you're sincerely trying. Maybe next time she says "Why couldn't you do that before?" tell her that you're sorry, that you wish you had known how important it was to her at the time and is there anything else you can do? <p>It sounds like she's in withdrawal still...just keep up the love deposits and try to minimize the withdrawals from the love bank. I know it must be hard for you [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I know when I was still recovering I felt extremely lost and confused, very distant from my SO...but eventually I wanted to talk (because I saw that he was genuinely trying to change and because it felt "safe" to trust him again)...and lo and behold, my SO became the one who believed in me, the one I could lean on...simply by being there to listen to me and hold me.<p>The pot smoking could be a problem that has to be addressed...but I really don't know if it's better to address it now or later on, once the relationship is on more secure footing. Anyone else have an opinion on that?<p>Just keep in mind...it will take time. A lot of time. One of two things will happen...either 1) she'll grow comfortable and happy around you again and will be an equal partner in repairing your relationship, or 2) she'll remain withdrawn and you'll be ready for Plan B due to resentment and hurt over lack of reciprocity. Either way...you'll know you did everything you could.<p>Good luck to you...keep your head up...you're doing good by having her there and showing her love [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 03, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>