What I need is some encouragement on hanging in there and not pushing. I plan A like crazy but when I see positive signs from WS, I push to move on to next step (POJA, etc) and he slams the door shut in my face and I begin to LB. He says he must still be in withdrawal (yes, he read HNHN). He says he can't get OW out of his mind (6 wks now).<p>A quick background. Married 11 yrs, together 13. WS on business trip, met OW, came home and told me he was unhappy, never wanted to be married or have children. I asked if there was someone else, he said no and told me he was proud he never cheated. Agreed to counseling, I found MB, read HSHN, started EN with WS, things appeared to get better. Next business trip (10 wks after 1st trip), WS came home and admitted to cheating on me. Lead me to believe it was a one night stand. Found card one week later from OW (with a picture). Truth was WS (36) met OW (21) on first trip, continued telephone contact until he flew her to meet him on second trip. I left with daughter. WS found me and begged me to return. WS broke off contact with OW same day by telephone call. He spoke with her once since then (6 wks ago)when she called to say she would step aside and not call him again.<p>I just think it would hurt less and be easier to leave. Why put myself through this agony? Is he worth it? Then I start to feel guilty for wanting to run. I am so hot and cold. Please advise me on things that have worked for you. I have read Surviving an Affair and visit this site daily. I never would have made it this far without MB and this site. I know it takes a long time. I need to find the patience. Any words of wisdom are welcomed.<p>[ January 03, 2002: Message edited by: Twinkles ]</p>

Twinkles....<p>Whoa....slow down gal...I know you don't want to but you need to.<p>You are only six weeks into a process that is going to take--sorry to say---a lot longer than that. How long? That's different for everyone. Some of the folks here have been working at this for years. Myself---EA d-day was 2/15/01, PA d-day 3/30/01. So it's been a while.<p>OK---that's the bad news.<p>The good news is that your H sounds like he wants to work on your M. Allow him to do that. But allow him to do it on his own timetable. I am guessing your M didn't get to the point that led to the A in six weeks time so it won't be fixed in six weeks time either. I know that's not what you want to hear...but it's the truth.<p>You need to step back, take a breath and listen to what your H is telling you. Yes he is in withdrawal....he will probably go thru a grieving process too. Not just for the OW, but for the fantasy life he had (or thought he would have with her). He needs to let that go, grieve for it and then move on. <p>What can you do? First, if you are plan A---you realize that is for you...work on yourself. Exercise, spend time with friends and family, hobbies, read etc etc etc.<p> Second, give your H the space he needs. And the time he needs to get past his A.<p>This is hard, I know that, but it's probably the only thng that will work right now.<p>Time & Patience...that is what you need and the strength to see your way through this.<p>You are among friends her who can help.<p>Post...read...contribute.<p>It will all help and you will be OK--really.<p>Good luck <p>E

Thank you. I hear you. Deep breath.<p>In the meantime...how do I calm the fear? The fear to "give H the space he needs" or the fear H hasn't let that "fantasy life" go. I believe our problems are directly related to living separate lives. Separate, boring, in-a-rut lives. <p>Wait...work on me, right? Okay, one day at a time.

T<p>One day at a time is right...some times that means one hour at a time...for me early on in this process it meant just trying to get thru the next 15 minutes. I did, so can you.<p>Now I for sure don't have all the answers. If I did I'd fix my situation and share all the answers with my MB friends.<p>But, I have learned that to deal with the fear you have regarding your H and him "letting go" you need to realize that you have no control here. The only thing you control is yourself...and how you react to the situation you find yourself in. <p>You can't make your H do anything and you sure can't "push" him anywhere. That's why time and patience are so critical...<p>I know how you feel. You want to solve this and you want to solve it YESTERDAY...but it won't work that way....<p>To calm the fear, work on yourself and realize that you have great value...that you are important.<p>Breathe in, Breathe out...Put one foot in front of the other...Take one day at a time<p>Time and Patience...<p>You will make it...<p>E

Hi Twinkles,
Yeah to what Elad said, and I would like to add that you are so blessed that your H is open to MB concepts and willing to read and apply the material.<p>Sounds like you guys need to plan more time together so that you can rebuild communication and discuss your fears...<p>So maybe he still thinks of OW, but there is no way that relationship is going anywhere--which is why he begged you to take him back. They are not equals in any sense of the word.<p>Perhaps this article can help you where you are at right now???<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

Elad - Thanks. <p>I kept your words in mind last night when H was distant and agitated. I wanted to keep asking what was wrong. BUT, I asked once and when H said "nothing" I said okay and dropped it.
Of course my mind was racing. <p>Which brings me to BINthere. How appropriate the article link was. Thank you. I had read it before but needed to revisit it. I suppose I need to work on my fears. <p>From the article... "resentment can also be an irrational reaction to something that is no longer a real threat. In fact, resentment itself may become a greater threat to your happiness than what it is you fear."<p>This is the hard part for me. Is it alright to hide these feelings for now? Hoping that as time passes they will fade with regained trust?

I would discuss with your H and work them into the POJA that you guys decide (never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement from your spouse--Policy of Joint Agreement). If something comes up that makes you feel insecure, talk about it and let him know you feel uncomfortable.<p>My guess is that sometimes our H's can help us with our resentment, but most of the time it will have to be a job for a bigger source, as in, GOD!<p>At least for me, God is the only one who can really help me deal with resentment and why I am feeling it... Sometimes we have resentment and don't even realize it until someone calls us on our bad behavior... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Another poster has something like this in their signature line, "resentment is the poison you take while hoping someone else dies." Something to think about, huh?<p>And I think Harley is right about it being a danger in sabotaging your future happiness, especially if your fears are unfounded, WS is repentant and willing to work things out, survive the affair. Hang in there! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]