Bear with me here. No flaming. Bad timing I know because of the recent posting from Thinker.<p>I need more of an explanation than to just be a friend. I'm trying learn how to support my W. My MIL called me today and told me that my WW's grandmother is very ill and is being rushed from the nursing home to the hospital for the 2nd time in three days. She's in grave condition. The grandmother had a bad stroke last April and lost the use of her left side and has been in various health care facilities since that time.<p>Anyway, I told my MIL to call me in case anything like this happened because my W would probably not come to me for support. In fact she will probably wait until I arrive at home for dinner. Since d-day my W told me that she didn't share her grief with me when other close relatives passed away or even a pet. She said she doesn't know why but that she just didn't come to me. It is strange but when we first started dating, our friendship really blossomed because (I thought) of how much support we found in each other for problems we were having at the time. Now I can't help but feel there is something else going on that I'm not aware of.<p>I know this is probably a stupid question but ever since d-day, I feel like I need to start over with Relationships 101. How do woman want to be consoled, especially when they've lost someone close to them and someone they've had a great deal of respect for? The easy answer is to say be a friend. Is that all? What can I do to be there for her, especially when she isn't seeking out my support? Do I just leave the house so she does't have to think about being uncomfortable around me? Do I take the kids out of the house so she can be alone? Do I hug her even though she is uncomfortable being close to me right now?<p>No, the grandmother hasn't passed away yet but it could happen anytime. Thanks for the advice.<p>HoFS

how about putting your around her and saying "I'm so sorry for your pain"? and letting her cry on your shoulder? That's what I would want.

Well, since your wife doesn't want to be bothered with you much, so you say... If I were in your shoes, I would just let her know that you are there for her, if she ever needs to talk or a shoulder to cry on, or some empathy...<p>Maybe just knowing that you are and will be there for her if she should ever need you could be enough for her since she is oblivious to your affection.<p>There are some neat poems around about heaven and seeing our loved ones there, if you can search for some. Maybe that would be nice to share with her? A little something in writing that can encourage her. Orchid posts about the "stages of grieving" a lot which might help you try to identify what stage your WS could possibly be in.<p>I guess the most important thing is to be speaking your wife's "love language" right now. Giving her what you think she needs or what we think she needs might not always work. So, if you could possible figure out what SHE needs from you and work from that angle, I'm sure you will have success...<p>My guess (on unaffectionate people in general--since I'm married to one), is that it could help considerably if she simply knows you are not going to abandone her (emotionally) at this difficult time. I wish you all the best! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

How about expressing your respect for her grandmother, what a fine lady she is/was, what good she has done in her life, etc. Do you have access to photos to put together a small memory album? Can you write down some memories of Grandmom and W? Keep it simple.<p>Also validate the depth of her loss by verbalizing that you know how hard this is for her and grandmomther's family.<p>Be extra respectful to the family in general, and be alert for the vibes W is giving and try to react to them as best you can. ASK her what she wants from you, how can you help, etc. Generally put yourself at her disposal as you would for anyone you care about who is grieving. Maybe specifically offer to help MIL (or whichever in-law's parent the grandmother is).<p>Best wishes,
Estes<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

IMO, the best thing to do is to talk about her grandmother. If your W seems shocked that you should bring her up in conversation, tell her that you don't have to talk about her if she doesn't want to. More likely than not, she'll want to talk about her. But don't push too hard if she's not ready yet. Gentle (regular - as in daily) reminders would be a good idea.<p>When my almost 4 yr old son passed away in Sept 2000, I found it most difficult to talk to people about him. It wasn't because "I" was having a problem, but my 'listeners' were. They were too uncomfortable. They didn't know what to say. They didn't seem to understand that all I needed was for them to just LISTEN to me, and to ACKNOWLEDGE Andrew's life. Just sharing their own memories helped me so much! But the majority of people who just didn't know what to say, chose not to say anything at all. That is NOT the direction you need to go with this.<p>I would suggest, since you know that the grandmother is so ill, that you ask your W if she would like to go and visit her. She may want to see her again before she's gone. She may not want to either. (I know in my case, I'm glad I didn't see my grandmother in the hospital just before she passed away. My last memory would have been her hooked up to all sorts of wires and tubes - I prefer the memories I have, and I'm sure my grandmother is glad that not everyone remembers her lying in the hospital).<p>There a loads of sites on the internet that could help you learn about the grieving process, and how to deal with it. But please keep in mind, that those guidelines aren't for everyone. Just as each of us are unique individuals, so is our grieving.<p>Take care,
Karen

When my boy died, it was comforting when people just acted NORMAL and talked openly about the death. The thing that was really disturbing to me was when people would avoid the subject or act scared to say something. Just a polite 'sorry about the death of your XXXXX.' And then maybe ask how the funeral went or tell a favorite anecdote about the deceased person. <p>I actually got the most comfort from his teenage friends, they are completely OPEN talking about the dead. They just come right out with it and ask questions and talk about the dead person. Very comforting to me.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Topie25:
<strong>
When my almost 4 yr old son passed away in Sept 2000, I found it most difficult to talk to people about him. It wasn't because "I" was having a problem, but my 'listeners' were. They were too uncomfortable. They didn't know what to say. They didn't seem to understand that all I needed was for them to just LISTEN to me, and to ACKNOWLEDGE Andrew's life. Just sharing their own memories helped me so much! But the majority of people who just didn't know what to say, chose not to say anything at all. That is NOT the direction you need to go with this.<p>Take care,
Karen</strong><hr></blockquote><p>yes, yes, yes, Karen! I agree with every word! I even HID my son's death from certain people in my life for this very reason. [hairdresser, chiropracter, customers] It was VERY HARD and shocking for other people to hear that my child had been killed. I, too, just wanted people to act normal instead of like they had been slapped in the face. I didn't want to make people uncomfortable so I just kept it to myself.<p>This is probably why I got so much comfort from the teens, they were all very inquisitive and wanted to talk and ask lots of questions. It felt so good to talk openly about him. To this day [since Oct 9, 1999] they leave little tokens on his grave, like pictures, guitar picks, notes, flowers and I appreciate it so much.

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. Yes, some very practical and thoughtful suggestions. It is amazing how problems with a M can lead a spouse to question how they show they care. I never realized we had so much between us.<p>diddallas--(I forgot to save you some Christmas cookies. They were good and we had fun making them) I feel so awkward even trying to hug her these days. I know this sounds so easy but I question the approriateness of all my actions these days.<p>BtDt--oh, W has made it very clear she doesn't want to share much emotionally with me. I will let her know I'm there and I've offered to take off work to watch the kids so she can go visit her grandmother at least one more time. I do remember Orchid's suggestions. Thanks for the reminder.<p>Este49--What a great idea. We really don't have many photographs of the two together but I do have thoughts about times when they were together.<p>Topie25--I will see about talking about her grandmother. My W complained often about how controlling she was but she loves her very much. I have suggested she should feel free go visit her one more time before it is too late.<p>MelodyLane--Yes, talking is good. But I have to demonstrate that it is safe to talk to me. I've always been too much of a fixer in the past.<p>Thanks again for the help. The grandmother is hospitalized with pneumonia and has severe complications from a stroke last year. It has been very tough on the family since the grandmother lives alone, six hours from the nearest relative.<p>Peace.<p>HoFS