I have nothing more to add than some more prayers your way. I too believe that it isn't over until it's actually over, and just the thought that he is still in your home makes me think he still is not sure. I think that's what the fog is all about. I'll be watching your progress, as my husband has also waffled back and forth and told me his is moving out tonight. Doesn't want to tell the kids yet, said he just needs time to think for a week or so. All we can do is pray, pray, pray!!!<p>Lots of hugs,<p>marcia

MOM,<p>Wishing you the serenity and graciousness to deal with your situation. I wonder what effect it would have if you do not say one word about the D or his thoughts and decisons and ACT as though you have reached acceptance. Maybe it would bring you some peace and blow his mind.<p>Prayers,
Estes

just wanted you to know you have been in my thoughts, <p>you can do the next month, & show your WH the true lady that is losing<p>I keep trying to think it is thier loss our, gain, but when you are lots poorer than you have ever been it is hard to see that sometimes.

Thanks all.<p>Lupo, it gets harder and harder to Plan A him the longer we are together at this point. I am doing my best to become more independent and stay out of his way. It just hurts so much sometimes to even look him in the eye. I do not have much hope left, yet I do pray that God will turn his heart before it's too late.<p>Estes49,
You are right; I need to show him that I am at peace with his decision. I'm trying very hard to do that. When I don't talk to him, he actually asks me what's wrong. I can't believe him sometimes. I try to stay upbeat, and cheerful, but frankly, I have my moments when I truly want to scream at him and tell him to get the HE## out of here!<p>Whoever it was that said maybe he's still waffling and that's why he hasn't left yet, I think he's only here because it's more convenient for him right now. He's moving about 3 blocks from our home, and cannot do that until the house sells. I get the sense (although he hasn't said it to me) that OW won't let him move in until he's divorced. I guess that's her way of saying the relationship is o.k., if he doesn't live with her until our M is over. Just my thoughts.<p>Anyway, today's a new day!! I'm planning on having a nice weekend and staying away from my H as much as I possibly can.<p>Someday he may realize what he's given up here, but then again, maybe not. I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I've got a life to live for me and my kids. I don't plan on asking WHY ME anymore!<p>Take care everyone and thank you all so much...<p>MOM

Hi MoM,<p>Listen, my XH was very similar to yours in his thinking. Our therapist said my H was trying to rid himself of guilt and unhappiness, and felt if he D me it would do the trick. <p>Well, needless to say, D'ing me hasn't relieved him of anything regarding his guilt or his unhappiness. His continued attempts of contact and the content of his cards and emails have proven that. Also, the more I pull away, the more he tries. I could be wrong, but I think your H is going to find out D is not the answer to what's troubling him. <p>I can't imagine living with my XH while we were going thru the D proceedings. You have so much strength, MoM. I'll keep praying for Peace for you. Please be okay.<p>Lv,
Jo

No words of wisdom..I know how much this hurts..just praying for you and your family.<p>It's so hard to protect yourself but I think that what I would do in this situation...your heart most of all. Wishing you strength

So sorry it came to this. He'll regret it someday. My sister's WH todl her the day of the divorce was the "happiest day I've had in a long time" (ouch). 3 months later he was groveling for another chance. By then, she truly didn't want him anymore. Keep strong.

Mom,<p>He wants the D because he doesn't want you to call him until after the D? Sounds a bit illogical, more like fogese logic to me!!! <p>So my dear, know that you are the sane one here. Maybe let him know that you don't know about calling him after the D? <p>Doesn't sound like he is ready for the D, more like enjoys threatening it. Yet he called you later??!?!? What's with that? <p>Ohhhh mom, I see a lot of confusion in your H. That could be a good sign. But for now, you may have to continue in the direction you are going. <p>Hugz.
L.

MOM,
(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
Your latest response just made me sob here. I am so sorry for your pain!!!!!!! Sounds like your H is a peasoup fog. If you can Plan A till the end of the month, he'll really be confused when he leaves. I think there still may be hope. I just pray for added strength to you. My heart hurts for you.
Mikkey

I cannot be here for 27 more days! He's now gone over the edge for me. He went to the bar she works at last night, blatently going to see her then coming home here to sleep. And he thinks we can be friends? I just do NOT and NEVER will understand how a person that loved you for 16 years can suddenly treat you worse than he would his worst enemy. I'm seriously thinking of packing a bag and going to stay with my sister until February 2. How do I look at him? How does HE look at ME? I never in my worst nightmares thought the man I loved would be capable of putting me through this hel*. And he doesn't even see it? I told him last night that his bullshi* talk about us divorcing, then possibly remarrying is just that; bullshi* He said "I wasn't saying it's GOING to happen, just that it could." I said "how do you think that after you've given me, our home, our family up for this woman, that when you figure out she's not the one, you can come back to me then?" He said "well, maybe I can't." It's the first time I've taken any kind of stand as far as telling him, I will NOT hang on once we're divorced. It surprised me, yet I've been thinking it for such a long time.<p>Well, I'm rambling again. I just want this pain to end. I want to get to the withdrawal stage already. I want to not see him, talk to him, have as little to do with him as possible. Throughout this whole year, we have only had 1 day where we haven't talked to each other. I want to get away from this pain so badly.....<p>Love you guys. Thanks for listening.<p>Kari

MOM-
I can sympathize with your situation and know that I am praying for you and your children as well. I don't have much to offer you, but thought I might share with you a few things that I have learned.<p>For me, a part of Plan A was to bring us to the place that we are now. There were never any guarantees that things would work out, all we could do was to make ourselves the best that we could be. I too am at the point (not a D, W filed a restraining order to get me out of the way) where you are. But, I find a sense of peace about this, if there is such a thing, knowing that I did the best I possibly could, that I fought for the M against everything the WS brought against it. The the fault lies solely on the WS now, we are not the villans in all of this. I hope you remember that, you are not the bad person here.<p>It may be time to take a break from trying to restore the M now, that is what I am going to do. My focus is going to be on me and my kids, to be the best me and best father that I can be. I have so much to offer them that I refuse to let anything WS does get in the way of that. That doesn't mean that I am going to stop Plan A'ing W, but I am going to take a big step to the side and let her go on her way. If she wants to talk, I will listen, but for now, that is all I can offer her anymore. She is on her own, hopefully someday she realizes all she gave up to have a relationship with OM.

MoM,<p>{{{{hugs}}}}<p>Could your H rent one of those week-by-week apartments? You could rent one for him, pack his stuff, put it on the poarch and tell him to go until the day he is supposed to leave.<p>I like some of the things you said in your last post. You may want to write him a short letter of why you cannot live with him and why you believe you cannot be friends with him. Friends just do not treat each other with such disreguard and disrespect.

Thanks loverherstill and zorweb,<p>I just have to stop trying to "educate" him about what he's doing here. His mind (at this point) is made up. She's ms wonderful, and I'm the naggy wife. Yesterday was more of the same. I asked him to please not go out with her until I move out. I said I understand that it's over for us, but that he was being totally disrespectful to me by putting it right in mine and our children's faces. He got really ugly, ended up telling me he wasn't sorry for the relationship with OW. He also told me maybe I should go find a man, then I'd get off his back! Well, I ended up packing a bag and going to stay with a friend last night. My H called me at work this a.m. and apologized for his anger and for telling me he "wasn't sorry." He said it was his anger, and that the minute he said it, he regretted it. He also told me that last night while I was gone, he'd sat all the kids down and told them the truth about him and OW. They already knew, but my H had never talked to them about it. He told them all how sorry he was for all the lies; he asked them all if they still loved him. He told them that I was a good person, and did not deserve the pain of what all his lies had done to me. He told them he does not have plans to live with OW, to marry her, none of that. But, he told them your mom and I are not working right now, so a D is necessary. He went on to tell them that he would never lie to them again....<p>So that's good, I guess. I've got 26 days to get through.<p>Thanks everyone!<p>MOM

MoM,<p>I hate the 'I was angry' excuse for saying the most hurtful thing imaginable. Frankly, if I just did what came to mind when I am angry, there could be blood to clean up. (I'm only partly joking. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Well, at least he owned up to his conduct with the kids. That is a start. How did they react? Did they talk to you about it, yet?<p>I am glad you went to a friend's last night. You should not put up with his hurtful comments. He was reacting to what he perceived to be an LB; but as far as I am concerned, if asking one's H not to sleep with someone else under you nose is a selfish demand then so be it. Geez, the biggest LB ever was having the A to begin with.<p>SHEESH! (okay, I'm done venting for you.)<p>Hugs,<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

Oops. Mouse got stuck. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

MoM,
I just want to say thanks for sharing your feelings. I can relate exactly to how you are feeling. I'm so blah today.. it was somewhat therapeutic reading this thread and all the wonderful support and advice.<p>My H is pushing me to agree and go thru the 1 lawyer... and I'm just still crushed. I feel like you and this is all a big reminder to me of "how can he do this.. how can he treat me this way". I'm so sorry any of us have to do this. I'm especially sorry your children have to go thru this. I'm certainly lucky in that regard. <p>Hang in there. I'm so thankful we're all here for each other.

{{{OneDay}}} Thanks friend. I appreciate the venting on my H. I hate that I have not been able to separate emotionally as he has done. <p>{{{Faith1}}} Thank you for reaching out in the midst of your own pain. It's so hard, but we are all very lucky to have found this website and all the wonderful people here. I only wish my H had somewhere besides OW to go to for help. <p>I pray for all of us daily. <p>MOM

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Myownme:
<strong> It's so hard, but we are all very lucky to have found this website and all the wonderful people here. I only wish my H had somewhere besides OW to go to for help.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You know, as I was reading this post, and thinking about some of the other posters on this thread, it occurred to me that we really ARE "the lucky ones."<p> We feel pain, sure, BUT we are finding help, solace, healing, insights, the Lord, everything we need to get us through this and emerge whole and healthier on the other side of it.<p>Our WS's think they've found "true love" but we really know they are "in pain" somewhere deep inside. And the only help they seem to be accepting for it is a sort of "band-aid" method of anesthetizing the pain with OP, sex, partying, whatever is filling the need at that moment. All fleeting. <p>WHAT A MESS they usually are when they finally "wake up" from it, and face the consequences of their actions. Some never can.<p>Pity them, NOT us!

Yes, I would much rather be a part of the problem solver than the problem...<p>Meaning, as hard as it seems, wouldn't you rather be where you are than be the one that is in the addictive affair?<p>You are working on your problems and solving them...but they are the problem....

Wow. Susan had a very good reply. MOM, you do NOT want to be in your H's shoes, he has PRETENDED to detach, like it doesn't matter, it is over. Reality will sink in eventually, or he will continue to live in his pretend world and live a very, very ugly life that you wouldn't want to be a part of anyway.<p>YOU are moving forward, YOU will heal, YOU will survive and be a better person.<p>Your H will not, unless he finds some help other than OW. And, that is his choice.<p>One funny thing I thought of a while back. My H was convinced that I could not make him happy, meanwhile for about 8 months prior to D-day he suffered from severe insomnia (gee, I wonder why, he was starting to have feelings for other woman and not telling me - guilt). The entire time he was gone, he thought it would be great. OW would make him happy, he would be free of the controlling wife, etc, etc. BUT, the insomnia didn't stop, OW didn't make him as happy as he thought, and I didn't turn out to be so controlling at all. And he HATED being alone more than anything else. <p>He pretended to be detached, he pretended to convince himself he didn't love me, and he pretended alot of things to try and convince himself he was doing the best thing for himself.<p>Since he's moved back home, his insomnia went away COMPLETELY. 1 1/2 years of insomnia, and it went away almost overnight when he came out of fantasyland.<p>Amazing isn't it? Your H is not better off, he is just pretending to be. He can pretend to be happy and be living a wonderful life for years if he wants, he can hide it away and never deal with it. What kind of life do you think he will live then? Too bad for him that in the meantime you will have moved on and made a happy life without him.<p>It is his loss, MOM, his loss.<p>HbH