I caught my wife in an EA in oct. '01. I told her that I had 'bugged the computer and caught her emails and instant messaging with the OM. She got VERY UPSET and told me that spying on her was on of ther most hurtful things I have ever done (she is a very private person). I promised her that I would not spy again if she promised not to 'go there' with this OM. I did not request 'No Contact' at that time [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm starting to get those feeling again as she has been chatting alot over the holidays.........<p>My question, Do I break my promise and spy again or is my word the foundation to us rebuilding the trust in our M?<p>Thanks for the help!<p>Sad4ever?

Most guilty people do get somewhat upset when they get caught redhanded. They don't like to face the consequences of their bad behavior. That doesn't mean that you don't have a responsibility to protect yourself from her adultery. <p>This is about *YOUR* life, you know, and she has no right to sneak around behind your back and do things like this to you. If you suspect that this is going on, you have every right - and RESPONSIBILITY - to monitor her activities and find out the truth. She is NOT entitled to the "privacy" to destroy your life.<p>And since you found wrongdoing when you snooped in the past, obviously you were correct in doing so. And since you found her to be untrustworthy in the past, you would be CRAZY to give her the same level of trust you would give a trustworthy person.

Sad4ever --<p>I want to quote from "WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses" found somewhere on this BB: <p>"Rule 3: All snooping is good and necessary - but be ready for an ANGRY reaction if your snooping is detected...Think NOT of snooping as disrespectful spying, but as necessary affair research."<p>Find it and read the whole set of 11 wonderful and thought-provoking rules.<p>I may get disagreement here but I think (and I agree with MelodyLane) that you need to guard and protect yourself first, i.e., what do you need to do to put your mind at ease with this? These are not times when normal trust issues apply since your research exposed illicit activities and they are what created the problems. It would be wonderful if your word constituted "the foundation to us rebuilding the trust in our M" but at this point the trust has to come through her and into you, not the other way around. She has to be proven trustworthy by her actions and words, and it will be a slow process for you, especially since you're "starting to get those feelings again." See what I mean? <p>I say...go for it. MelodyLane is right on the money with the statement: "You'd be crazy to give her the same level of trust you would give a trustworthy person." Also, "She is NOT entitled to the 'privacy' to destroy your life." <p>Please let us know what you decide. We're thinking about you.<p>Ammon

Thanks ML and Ammon - <p>Your reasoning is sound. I have just been struggling with the importance of a 'promise'. Your replies and my gut say the same thing. Let the games begin [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] !<p>Thanks again<p>S4VR