We are going to counseling, and today the counseler made a statement "love is a choice" Anyone agree? <p>Also, my wife wants things to work out, but now doesn't have any desire to spend time with me, as she said last nite "I don't even want to be on the same couch as you" she doesn't hate me, just says there is no romantic feelings there, and she doesn't think they will ever come back. I know how we once were, and I feel that they will come back, as I have changed a lot of things in my life during this whole affair. However, she seems certain that we weren't "meant to be", as she says if we were, she wouldn't have these feelings for the OM, and that the feelings will not go away. I believe the meant to be jive is nonsense, and just a way to justify her feelings. It seems there are a lot of ways to justify an affair in the WS's mind. Bakc to the main question, how can these feelings for me come back, if she isn't interested in spending the time?

confused --<p>What she's saying is so very typical of the fog-bound WS. My W has told me and told our counselor that she's "lost all romantic feeling for me and doesn't think she can ever get it back" -- sound familiar? All I know are two things: that Plan A is a good direction to go, and you can't rush the unrushable. <p>If she's still in withdrawal for the OM, there's not a thing you can do to speed that up except to work on yourself and be the very best husband the world has ever seen. She needs to prefer you over him (and doesn't even know she needs that). This "meant to be" stuff is just that--part of the fog and also very typical--a new "soul mate" has emerged--just don't believe it. In that way, you can't believe anything that "aliens" say. Find and read "WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses" somewhere on this BB--they're wonderful and so very true--an immense help.<p>You have to trust that her feelings can return but she needs to feel safe enough, over time, to express those feelings. Don't worry about her spending time with you--it's really not an issue. Just remember: no LBs ever and no force or pressure to move things along on some imaginary timetable. These things take as long as they need to take. Have faith and continue to support her and love her.<p>Post again and let us know how you're doing. I'll be thinking about you.<p>Ammon

Thanx for our reply, did everything work out ok for you? I'm just a bit concerned on how I should be acting. I have read the quick start guidelines, and just picked up the book SAA. Seems my WS doesn't mind spending time with me, as we played a wonderful game of cards tonight, and we are bowling next week. She told me she is afraid the feelings for the OM will not subside. And that worries me as well, but I do have hope, always hope.

Hang in there, confused.... and give her some time and a bit of space.... its a fine line tho... you have to 'be there for her' and to prove that you want to listen to her...but don't smother her.... my H says its just not fair......he had the 'sting of my affair'..and THEN had to try everything in his power to win me back...i know, its just not fair....<p>Also.....this is a good time to work on yourself...reading self-help books...working out...setting some OTHER goals for yourself is healing as well....and also gets some of the focus off of her...<p>I've been where your W is.... I felt I had lost the type of love for H that he wanted.... I'm still working on getting more and more of that back... our story may be different tho...we had years of anger and verbal abuse from H to deal with and I think that has slowed my progress down...<p>But, through all of this...I have come to realize just how much my H loves me.... just how much he is willing to change for me... I can't think of a single other person who feels that way about me...so that IS something, right???? <p>anyway.......keep on plugging.... good luck!

Hmmmmm...wanted to comment on the "Love is a Choice".... I have read the book....."Love is a Decision"....and I agree with part of it...<p>IF we had to deal with only our brains....then, yes, love would be a logical choice.... and our brains would tell the WS that affairs are NOT moral, that they are NOT the answer...that the BEST solution is to stay with our spouse and our children and to work on that M... I ONLY wish it were that easy!<p>But.... love is also from the heart..and the person has to be willing to open up that heart and allow all the feelings to penetrate...sometimes, its not easy to do... I'm working on that... H is being very patient.... <p>Sooo, yes, love IS a choice...but the brain and heart have to be working together! sighhhh.....

Confused
Read your post, could have been written by me, going through the same thing now. I've heard " Ilove you but I'm not in love with you" and while her A was still goiing on i got "We should separate so I can work on my feelings". Anyways I believe that the feelings can return, I know it"s hard but you have to be patient. It's crucial that your wife has no contact with OM. My WW A ended almost a month ago, I've noticed a change in her already, realize it will take time and spend quality time together, don't dwell on what has happened, go out, have fun. Hope you have a good councilor, we are fortunate and have a great one, started two nights ago and it went well. Wife is going tonight alone.
Be patient, be there but don,t smother. I know it's hard and hardly seems fair but I know the feelings can return once the fog lifts and she sees your changes are for real and not just momentary.....Good luck....

confused --<p>The SAA book is wonderful and very helpful and supportive. I'm glad you've already found the WAT's Guidlines. <p>"Did everything work out ok for you?" -- No, unfortunately, not yet. Things are still very much up in the air. My WW is still very much in withdrawal for the OM and I'm just biding my time and working on me. I'm so impatient for the fog to lift so we can get to work on "us" but it hasn't happened yet and it's been about four months now. When I suggested that you be patient, I'm really reenforcing that patience for myself.<p>I see very positive things in your relationship: she doesn't mind spending time with you, you played cards together, you're going bowling next week = all good signs. <p>Of course you're worried when she says that she's afraid the feelings for the OM won't subside; who wants to hear that? Remember, the fog envelopes and clouds everything. No one--no one--can see clearly or act rationally when in the fog. Even what the fog-bound WSs say makes no sense. Don't believe or trust anything until it lifts, and then take your time accepting anything at face-value for awhile. Time and patience... ConfusedMom absolutely has the right ideas (see her post above). <p>It's very common and very typical for the WS to say that they fear their feelings won't diminish, but they (and you, of course) are very close to the A. If it's fairly recent, it's fairly fresh, and you are dealing with emotions rather than head-business and they operate on their own schedule anyhow. <p>There's no way to rush these things and you can't control what she's thinking or feeling or doing anyhow. The only thing left, therefore, is for you to continue working on yourself and that certainly helps you and maybe (probably) helps your relationship. <p>Thanks for getting back to me and to us. Post again soon and keep us up to date. We're thinking about you.<p>Ammon

Confused:<p>I just had to respond to your post. Three months ago WW announced she does not love me, wants to separate to figure things out and doesn't think she would ever have feelings for me again. To the tee she followed the WS script so often related on this site. Even said she would attend MC one time to convince me and counselor that she doesn't want to work on our relationship. Found out about EA a few days later and life really became hell.<p>We attended MC one week later and she did want to continue MC after first session but said she is confused and didn't know whether she could ever feel love for me again. We have been on the proverbial roller coaster ride since but things have made a turn for the better in the last few weeks. Now I think a combination of my following a pretty strong Plan A for the last 2 months (with little LBing) along with some time for her to withdraw from the EA with OP, was necessary for her to become available again to work on our M.<p>The time-frames are not certain but it WILL take time. Your WW has expressed interest in making things work but now has doubts whether her feelings for you can return. While my WW never said she doesn't want to sit on same couch as me, she said several times that she has no interest in sex or working on our M. This is typical and virtually every BS has heard these "fogese" words from the WS.<p>My advice: try to improve yourself, go to counseling (both IC and MC), consider appropriate drugs (Xanax has been great for me), and give her the space and time to withdraw and grieve over the loss of the OP. At the right time (it's hard to know when) try to talk to her about her feelings toward you. She probably has many built up resentments and what you hear may be hard on you, but at least she is confiding with you and not OP, and this may be first big step to recovery for both of you. Listen and don't be defensive. You can address your issues later.<p>Last week my W told me she does love me and wants to work on M! She is talking about us and our family now in the sense that she expects us to remain together. She is still a bit depressed but seems happier lately.<p>In can work out but it's hard as hell, and my situation is not nearly as bad as many on this site. Do not expect any quick changes. Hang in there!