My H and I have been separated for 10 months and D day was 15 months ago. He was the WS. Since he moved out I became involved with another man. We are in the process of divorce. I have asked him to come home repeatedly, although I don't know what I would do if he actually did because I do not see hope for our relationship. He also says to me, "How could you even ask me to come home while you are involved with OM?" To me that is irrelavent. The OM and I are very good friends above all else and he is aware of my still existing ambilivence towards my H amd my marriage. He knows I could stop the relationship at any time and understands my reasons for doing so. I do realize this would be hard for me, though.
In anycase, I'd love to hear comments on the above as well, but my real concern is this: Today my H called me to get health insurance information from me because he wants to see a counselor. He is severely depressed and sees no reason other than his boys for living. He has been hanging on to some hope that the other woman will leave her husband and come to him. Apparently they have been talking until a couple of weeks ago, but the affair is very one way. My H believes OW loves him, but feels obligated to her marriage and therefore is closing the door on my H. The OW's H does not know of her affair.<p>I am very worried about my H and I care about his pain. I know more than he understands how much he is hurting over this rejection by the OW. He loves her very much. Even though I went through severe depression and suicidal thoughts at my H expense, I do not wish this pain on him. <p>My question is this: My H has repeatedly told me that he does not want to be with me and that he does not love me. I have slowly tried to wean myself from the thought of ever working things out and have just in the past month or two begun to feel better about my life without him. I have begun to realize that I am capable on my own (my OM is far away, so I do not have him constantly to rely upon). I am taking a class I always wanted to take with my H on my own. I am a better mother to my children most of the time. I do not cry every day. Do I stop my life for the hope of ever having my H come home to work on things? I don't even think it would really work long term because I do have a lot of resentment toward him for all the pain he caused. I still get sick at the thought of them sleeping together when I pass places I know they used to frequent. I do not respect what he has done at all. However, I know that he will emerge a better person eventually. Do I stop my own life just to "see" if he could ever love me again?<p>If I am not clear, let me know. Thanks.

^^bump^^<p>LearningLife...
Only you can answer that question...and I'm not sure it is 'stopping' your life...just changing directions once again...<p>Lana Staheli in "How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage" has some really good points about marriage...affairs...and divorce...<p>For me it boils down to...Can you both stop the blame game? Can you do the work it takes to trust and protect one another? Do you want it to work? Do you love him? <p>Good luck...
Cali

Cali, I hope you come back to read again.<p>Those questions you ask, I have been asking for months. I have read many books on affairs and recovery and read this board for over a year. I am still lost. <p>Do I love him? I love him enough to know I care about his pain. Although I do not miss him in my bed and I have no desire to make love to him. I do not miss him for me. I miss him for the family. I miss the way I used to feel. I wish my life would go back the way it was, but with the knowledge to make it better and prevent all this. Are these things enough?<p>Do I want to work it out? I would if I thought I could. I have been through this pain once before and I don't think I can live with the constant thoughts of him with another woman again. I do not trust him. He would need to change so many behaviors for me to trust him. He has always seemed to have a secret life of some sort. A life that made me feel sub-important to his friends or to some hobby. Privacy has always been important to him and a threat to me. I am truly afraid of him.<p>All of this is simply compounded by the fact that he does not want to be with me. I feel like a reject and can't imagine why he didn't want to work on the marriage. Finally it is further compounded by the fact that I am now involved with someone else, who's feelings I know I am not protecting well as he knows how I feel about my current situation. He has been a good friend and I would have to give that up.<p>Today all of a sudden seems so gloomy and I was doing so well in creating my new life for me and my kids. It all seems so silly because I don't even have a willing partner. I am crying for the first time in a month at least.

Hi Learning Life,<p>Here's what I think.<p>Why don't you end the relationship with OM alltogether. If you're not dependent on him for very much then this shouldn't be a problem. Personally I think he is meeting some needs of yours and with him in the picture you cannot clearly focus on the decision regarding your marriage and your H. <p>There are waaaaaay too many variables in this situation, and OM is adding to your confusion. <p>I believe that you and your H have a shot at it but someone has to offer an olive branch. Why shouldn't it be you? <p>From what I understand OW will never leave her family for your H, she sounds like a cakewoman. And altho you believe your H loves her, he may be pining for her even more because she is unattainable. <p>The love you describe you have for your H (hurting for him because he is hurting over an OW) is, IMVHO, true love, selfless. That is very meaningful. And someone that has that capacity for love could surely let go of resentment of past trangressions, No???<p>Jo<p>Ohhh, one additional thing, it very well may be your H feels painted into a corner because he sees you have someone new, and here he is stuck by himself without OW, whom he left and hurt you for terribly. He may think he is unworthy of your forgiveness.<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

My suggestion would be for you, either together or at least separately seek out MB counseling...or a MB weekend...I've even heard that Retroueville is a similar thing (Catholic-based).<p>For it to work...BOTH have to be TOGETHER...as Resilient has stated...there are many variables...having OM is a safety net for you...OW is a safety net for him...<p>I think if you mutually decided to work on it, you would need some expert guidance...<p>new_beginning has recently stated in a post that she KNOWS that her marriage could have been saved with some tweaking on EACH of their parts...<p>That's the key...going back to when BOTH of you were GIVERS...<p>Does he read the same books? Is he aware of MB?<p>My parents have been divorced 30 years now...and each has stated to me, since this has occurred with my H and I...that they wondered what had happened if they had tried to work it out...no 'abuse' but both were unfaithful...my mom's was a exit, "I'm tired of your cheating" affair...<p>All I know is that it is a LOT of work and sometimes you wonder if it is worth it...told my sister-in-law this and she said, "Everything worth anything is hard work." She has regrets over her divorce from her unfaithful H...<p>Look in your heart...be radically honest...and seek professional guidance...Oh...and go with God...<p>I wish you well...
Cali