Just to give you some reminders of things WH has said to me recently -<p>In the past 2 months...
* When I asked what he was doing for Christmas, he said, "When I'm around you, I'm uncomfortable, stressed and anxious. Can't spend Xmas that way."
* When I asked if he would like to stay the night about 3 weeks ago, he said, "No. I was okay with it after the car crash, but didn't feel comfortable the second time. It just doesn't feel right."
* After our anniversary weekend together, he said, "I had a great time! But after we had sex, I felt like I was betraying OW." (ouch!)<p>And now, things WH has said to me in the past week, after spending 9 days with OW (the longest period of time spent with her ever)<p>* "Are you seeing someone else, Venus?" (asked in a panicked tone)
* "Weird. When I was at our flat, it was cold, but felt warm somehow. Even though I don't live there, almost feels like I should be living there when I walk in."
* "Shall we spend an evening together this week? We could go shopping, then have dinner and exchange gifts."<p>These words were accompanied by lots of phone calls, text messages and emails. The most contact he's ever made with me since Dday. I was happy about it all, but always weary of the rollercoaster going down, so I took it with a grain of salt. <p>Soooooo....last night we had our date. We met at the mall. I got there early and he rang about 5 to ask what time we should meet. I told him I was already there and he said he would leave work immediately to meet me. Cool. We wandered around a bit and talked and laughed. Went back to his house to pick up his presents to me. I mentioned, briefly, that it was getting late and by the time we got to my flat, had dinner and opened presents, it would be very late and that he was more than welcome to stay the night. I said there was no pressure and it was entirely up to him. I could see him thinking about it and he even said "Yeah, I could do." I left it at that, as I didn't want to influence his decision and didn't want him to feel uncomfortable.<p>Went to my house to drop off the presents, then off to a restaurant for dinner. We ate, talked, had some wine and when dinner was done, ordered another drink and talked some more. I told him about my Christmas with his family and updated him on everyone. It really was a nice time. <p>Then back to my house for presents. I opened a bottle of wine and lit all the candles in the living room, which he helped me do. I put on one of his favourite CD's and we opened our gifts. He genuinely loved everything I got him and said that the silver bangle I had made for him was his favourite gift he received for Christmas. That made me feel SO good and I let him know that. <p>After presents, we sat and finished the wine and just chatted and laughed. Before we knew it, it was past 1am. I looked at my watch and mentioned that I was tired. He actually ASKED if he could stay the night! I said, of course. Then he ASKED if he could sleep in the bedroom with me. I said, of course. <p>I had already decided that if he stayed I wouldn't "try anything". I didn't want him to be uncomfortable and told him this in a letter recently; said that when he was ready, to let me know. Well, I guess he was! We crawled into bed, I said goodnight to him and within seconds, he had me wrapped up in his arms. Within minutes, he was kissing me. Within minutes, my heart was soaring. He said, "are you sure we should be doing this?" I replied "I'm sure. But I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, honey, so it's entirely up to you." We kept kissing. One thing led to another....you get the idea. <p>We finally fell asleep, but I kept waking up to find him snuggled up next to me and wrapping his arms around me. It was bliss (and boy, did I need it!).<p>This morning, I tried to hold him a bit, but he seemed kind of distant. Probably a combination of him being sleepy (he's not a morning person), and also a bit confused. He got up and got ready for work and I made him some coffee. As we waited for his taxi to come, I went up to him and said, "How are you feeling about last night?" He said he was fine. I said, "I hope you didn't feel uncomfortable. It is never my intention to make you feel that way". He said he wasn't. But he was still a bit distant. <p>I didn't take it personally, and refuse to. At the end of the day, he was there with me and chose to do what we did. If he has any regrets, it's his issue to deal with and has nothing to do with me. I didn't pressure him, I didn't demand anything of him and was definitely the Plan A Goddess all night. I'm convinced he was checking it out, testing the ground and seeing if any spark could still be there. And judging from last night, it sure was! But I know it's probably sent him into a mental spin. Sort of a "now what?" mindset. <p>So, my take on this whole things is this - he's just spent 9 days with OW. After she dropped him off at home on Sunday, he tried desperately to get in touch with me and see me. I know the fog is still thick, but he's thinking. And that has to count for something, doesn't it?<p>Opinions?<p>love,
VE

venusenvy,
Your H needs a real woman ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] LMAO !. Also most likely OW LB'ed ... and the grass is not that green after all. Now H has a morning after ... after "cheating OW" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Get him more confused. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

Hi Venus ~<p>Good job. A similar thing happened to me too. Yes it did add to the "confusion".<p>Now drop it and don't bring it up again because then he'll feel "pressured". Don't be surprised if he backs away for awhile. He's probably afraid that you'll read too much into it and think it meant that he is committed to you and stuff. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

BrambleRose is SO WISE. Take her advice completely. But, it doesn't mean you can't SMILE YOUR BUTT OFF about it [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] when he's not around. You are doing so wonderful. I wish I could have done the wonderful job that you are doing. I wish you all the best. If you can just be patient, the OP will eventually become one great big GIANT LB to your H. My prayers go out to you!!<p>MOM

Very wise words, indeed, from all of you! I have left him alone today. He rang me once and I got a text message saying that he hoped I had a nice time last night. I responded saying that I did and hoped he enjoyed it as much as I did. <p>I forgot to mention that OW rang him last night while we were opening gifts. He looked at his phone, saw that it was her and said, "I don't think you want me to answer that." I just smiled. He also hugged and kissed me after we opened presents. At one point, I tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let me go. Just kept hugging me.<p>And yes, you're right Bramblerose! No expectations and leave him to it. I know he'll be confused and will probably back away for a while. At least I understand why, so it certainly makes it easier to deal with. <p>love,
VE

Yup, in fact you were right, Bramble! He's withdrawn. I imagine OW is at his house this weekend. I spoke to him briefly this evening and he said he had no regrets about last night but that it made him slightly more confused. I sent him a text later that said "Hi honey, thanks for last night. If you need to talk, I'm just a phone call away. Have a nice weekend and I love you." Haven't heard a peep since, but didn't expect to, so that's fine. <p>Won't contact him this weekend, or indeed, until he contacts me. Whether that be this weekend or next week or whatever, I'm going to let him be. Must keep repeating this to myself over and over. Felt myself getting a bit weak this afternoon. After all this "I'm okay. I have no expectations." stuff, I still over-analyse in my own head. Damn my own thoughts! LOL!<p>Guess I need some support. Anyone?<p>lot's o' love,
VE

WooHoo! score for venus goddess of plan A!<p>*does little dance*
I am so happy for you! well done! I couldn't agree more with BambleRose, she really hit the spot there. Let him be confused, wonder, he'll be withdrawn from OW, I know it is a bit screwed up but for him it may seem as if he is cheating on OW, let her LB let her puff and grunt, on the mean time, whenever she LB's you'll be the goddess of grace, right on venus!<p>Go out for the weekend, go watch a movie, shop or window shop, doesn't matter, just keep busy, by the time OW is gone I am pretty sure your WS will call and you can resume your dating, let him see once again what a wonderful REAL woman he is missing!

Venus, I think you are on the right track, and you will get him back if you play your cards right. My H of 21 yrs and I were separated 1 1/2 yrs (he was going thru MLC), and he came back (been back 6 months now, 9 months since he begged and pleaded for me to take him back--I made him wait so we wouldn't have to go thru this again!). When he left me, he wanted a divorce and hated me intensely (young EA probably had something to do with that!). Within a month he was "confused and didn't know what he wanted."
We were having a lot of interaction, and after the first 6 months even nookie (like you all), but he kept saying he didn't want me to "get ideas he was coming back just because we were having nookie." I got tired of the limbo after around 16 month of Plan A, and went to modified Plan B. (we had some interaction, but I backed WAY off, and he felt like he was losing me--and it woke him up bigtime). <p>Anyway, my H and I were going thru the distancer/pursuer thing like you are right now. The key is breaking this cycle (Phil DeLuca explains this in his book Solo Partner). Just back off some, and be a little mysterious. Let him make the moves. You are busy getting on with your life and having a great time...he is not the center of your universe anymore. Do not always answer his calls (let it go to answering machine); do not be really quick to call him back; be brief in your emails sometimes. Let him wonder if he "has" you.<p>If you play your cards right, he will tell the OW where to get off and be back pleading with you to take him back (just like my H did to me).<p>Carol

You go girl!!!!<p>I don't know how you could do that but you done good!!

NOw, keep it up... I have been having nights and dates with my H, and some have been great... but sometimes not... in between.. give him time... do not jump the gun... be patient, it will die... you know it... just be cool and keep playing this way.... It is hard, I know... because he will hurt you while you wait... and it hurts when they don't drop the OW like a hot potato... at lesat it did with me... Anyway... kudos and keep it up!<p>HONEY

V<p>You are topps. Keep up the good work. I really feel that the A is dying. He will see the light.<p>You are too cool girl!!<p>
You really are the Plan A Goddess<p>
SLH

Thanks again for the support and encouragement everyone. <p>As suspected, I've not heard from H all weekend, nor have I contacted him in any way. Keep repeating to myself "no expectations" but I know his usual method of operation is to send me a text message or ring me just after OW leaves. But then again, I don't know if he is at her house this weekend or she is at his. If he's at hers, then he won't come home until Monday morning and I won't hear anything until then. <p>Then I get mad at myself for over-analysing everything, which makes me laugh, really. <p>But I've also looked back on the past few months, and since Dday and realised how far I've come personally. There was a time when I would spend weekends sitting at home in tears wondering constantly what's going on and what's going to happen. These days, I do tend to look at my phone quite a bit just to see if there's a message, but FEEL so much better about myself. I haven't cried in a few weeks and feel more strong and able to take on whatever comes my way. (I think)<p>Yes, there are still periods of doubt in my mind, but my overall outlook is predominantly positive. I have thought about what may be going on in H's head after we "did the deed" the other night. Maybe he lied to me when he said he had no regrets. Maybe he only did it to "test the waters" and afterward felt like there was no spark there at all. Maybe he'll turn it all around on me later and say I forced him. But these are all negatives, really, and don't deserve my time and thoughts. I must get rid of them, but it's hard. <p>Anyway, I hope you are all well. Thank you again for your encouragement and kind words. <p>lots of love and hugs and happiness
VE