My wife was away for the Holidays and I just picked her up from the airport on Wednesday night. Things have been just ok since she has been back. I know she is still jet lagged from the seven hour time difference. But to my shock last night she said I am going to go after work on Friday and go out with the people from work. She gave me some line that somebody is leaving the company so they are all going out for some partying. Then she threw in there, oh by the way I am going to smoke up (pot) before we go out. She did say I am welcome to come out with them. I asked her do you want me to be there or are you just saying I can come if I want to. I never really got a straight answer. I think she knows it is wrong to go out and not have her husband be invited. I think enough people have told her that is b.s. when she goes out and parties without offering to me. So I asked her are you going to smoke up at work or something before you go out. She said oh no, we will meet at someone's apartment first and smoke up. I said I just asked because I didn't want something to happen. I sort of screwed up here because she views me as more of her father then her husband. I am always looking out for her. She said well I have never been caught yet. Personally if you are smoking up with your co-workers I think it is due time before the company does a random drug test. I hope it happens because maybe that will wake all of them up.
The part I didn't like was that originally I was going to drop my wife off at work and pick her up after work. This way we only had one car with us when we went out. She agreed to this with no problems. Well this morning she changed her tune and said I want to drive seperate. So here is the hard part for me. Personally I think she is going to tell me she is working late and go smoke up without me being around. I don't think she is comfortable with me being around when her and her co-workers smoke up. Once they are all done smoking up they will go to some bar and she will tell me to meet them there. So how do I handle this? Personally I am so uncomfortable with her smoking up with her male co-workers. But I don't want to make any love busters by saying something in the wrong way. So now I am in a holding pattern to see what she does this evening. I still feel she will tell me she is working late and she will go smoke up. Then she will call me and say hey I am leaving work now meet me at this place.
How do I handle all of this? It is way to early since she has been back for me to sit down with her and discuss all of this. Do I just see what happens tonight and take it from there? She could be nice and make sure I am every where she is tonight. This would be a big step since before she did all this b.s. behind my back. Am I reading into this too much as if she is trying? Or is this her way of getting her cake and eating to?
I know for sure she is serious about smoking up because she bought her own pot pipe when she was in Europe. She had it with her when she left the house this morning.
I think my wife is trying to fit in with the party crowd. She use to party back in High School but when she met me she became laid back. So now 8.5 years later she is a wild child again. She got a tatto while in Europe. She bought a pot pipe. What is next?
I don't know how to deal with all of this. Help.....
Oh if you suggest drug counseling. She will say she has no problem with it and that I am nuts. She wouldn't go for drug counseling. Her friends smoke pot so they will say I am nuts. Her parents don't know and if I told them. Well there would be some major love busters.......

Lora has a good post over in "In Recovery" RE: talking to Steve H about a non-participating husband. It might have some good pointers for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

C_G,
have you ever asked yourself the question, "at what price does this marriage become to expensive?" i know the concept of plan A the reasons and the wherefores but has it occured to you that when the plan becomes a *habit* instead of an meaningful exercise, the pro-active elements of the process are lost and so is the impact?<p>as an example, you are giving this person every opportunity to do what you feel is the right thing. however, if she doesn't feel your disaproval over her current behavior then she would have to be more then blind or in any kind of fog. she would have to be brain dead! so what good is the plan A? to her it's nothing more then a farce.<p>here's an even more interesting possability. what happens if she just doesn't agree with your beliefs in what's appropriate or inappropriate?<p>maybe she was plan *A*ing you in this regard, and decided that you were so hopeless that she could never conceive of you two in the alternative lifestyle she prefers. and so she planned *B*ed you and took off for a while...only to come back home to guessed what? saint confused_guy! now wouldn't that be an ironic scenario, and if were true would you be willing to change your life to meat her approval? and so please consider my original question. <p>"at what price does this marriage become to expensive?"<p>just a thought.
poodlepapa

poodlepapa/barry
Well I have learned that I can't control my wife. However the whole entire thing about maybe her lifestyle is now different then mine. I am will to change in ways that I am still happy with it. I am not going to break any laws or anything like that. The problem I have is that she never came out and told me she had the urge to smoke pot. I am fine with it however I would prefer for her to do it at home. Or if she doesn't do it at home that I am at least at the same place she is doing it. I wouldn't do it but at least I know what she is up to and who she is with. This going behind my back and smoking up with other males and not telling me. Well I don't believe in that at all. My wife just hasn't communicated with me and that is a problem. If things get a bit ridiculous on what she wants well then I will step back and evaluate the relationship from my end.
She is putting a lot of trust in me by taking me out and introducing me to all of her co-workers. From what I know I could probably get all of them fired. So at this point I see my wife is trying to make a step forward by doing the right thing by having me come out with her. However I don't agree at all that she wanted to go out two days after she returned from Europe. I still think she needs to spend time with just me and work on the marriage. But I have been told by the counselor that she is probably not ready for that much yet. So I am taking it step by step.

C_G:<p>To answer the title of your post, I don't think here is anything you can do to "deal" with your W's drug habit or other behaviors. She is responsible for her own actions and if she will not address your issues and concerns, you can only "deal" with yourself. You need to determine your own boundaries and what you will do if these unacceptable behaviors continue.<p>As for meeting her and her coworkers, I think I would go just to assess the situation. You are her H and should know what is going on in her life. Maybe this is her attempt to include you in other parts of her life. Find out what's going on so you can make informed decisions.

Personally, this is where I would draw the line. I would not go to a pot smoking party because it is WRONG. [not to mention the fact that I think potheads are more boring than unconscious people -at least unconscious people don't say stupid things] I am not going to violate my morals to save a marriage. What kind of marriage is that? What are you going to tell the judge if you are busted? Please excuse me, I was working on my Plan A?<p>They don't want you there and your presence will only condone her illegal and destructive actions. <p>I would let her know in a non-lbing way that you want to be with her but you can't participate in this acivity nor do you really want to watch her demean herself in this way. I would tell her to have a good time and when she really wants to do something with you, let you know and you guys can plan something that is not so uncomfortable to you, something you both can enjoy.

hi confused guy- your w and my h are very similar- they do not want to grow up...it's fun to be a kid isn't it--- do you two have kids?<p>My suggestion is to think about yourself... is it really worth it, clearly you do not want to smoke pot.l. maybe she will grow out of this... but maybe not... probably she will, it is good she is being honest...<p>My H and his who=== e that I call her just to get the anger out... smoked pot together... I used to and have on occasion through yrs.- but really don't like it much as it makes me forgetful and kind of stupid...<p>I feel that it makes him stupid when he does it... this seems to be fun to him, and he just want s to be a kid..<p>HE is an adult... and I have been trying hard today to see him as a responsible 34 yr old man... at least on responsible for his own choiced-well, he kind of makes me sick- you know!<p>Just wanted you to know there are others out here.. wishing and trying for our spouses not to be on drugs... it is codependent to try to make her see the light.. and it makes her mad if you try to tell her what to do... It seems your loving choice is to let her do what she wants... you have to... and decide if you can deal with that lifestyle...is there a counter side to her? A lot of people think pot should be legalized... but it seems to bother you... so, can you live with it... and yes, it will contribute to irresponsible behavior and she will have the tendancy to get into another affair.. or the likely possiblity if she is out partying without her spouse... this is how my Hs affair started... out under the influence making buddies with pot smoking drunks who like to play darts... oh boy , I am so impressed...<p>This is not the type of H I want, nor does it sound like your w, is the type of w you want... but I know I wish... for my spouse to grow up. HE may never.<p>My IC says it is very often the case that irresponsible and responsible people are attracted to one another, as one of us can take care of the other... and also... so that our polarized opposittes can bring out more of each other in the spouse... and vice versa... if that makes sense... I wanted to have more fun, H brought that out in me... now we have kids, I still like fun... but am responsible.. so H goes out by himself with co-workers and aha... the affair... whatta ya know? Where was responsible me, home with the kids... but I majorly LB'd and did some crazy stuff to him in the course of finding out.. he now claims he just wants to get away from me... since I am crzy, violent , emotionally disturbed... well NO I am not... ANGRY yes, , anger management maybe... I feel like a parent with an irresponsible teenager...<p>It is not what I want... but I feel if I can be patient things will get better.. I may find out I am wrong here... and <p>anyway... I do want to be married to an adult... don't I? I know it is so hard when you love someone and they just embrace this irresponsible lifestyle... <p>BE patient... try some sort of support group on letting go... I think the langauge of letting go book can be helpful... I am going to get this one.. but it is a difficult balance, as I know you do not want to have seperate lives...<p>and it seems you can tolerate her activities... but do not want to engage in them... she may see this as you thinking you are better than her... my H believes I think I am so much better than him- not true... but some of our arguements, I am sure have made him feel that way.<p>Just my thoughts.. hope it helps, DO HOLD HER accountable as an adult for what she chooses to do... she is choosing to smoke pot, party and be in situations that are inappropriate all by herself... I kept blaming others and not my H, as I think I have just viewed him kind of like a child... but he is an adult... my IC tried to make this clear to me... so I can start to look at what he is really doing, and have him own his actions... thanks and good luck, HONEY [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Confused--Not overly familiar with the story other than one or two posts but it sounds very similar to my WS.<p>Is your W having an active A? If it's not "active" do you know for a fact that it is over? <p>My wife started on the whole weed thing about year and a half ago. First it was just "out partying" with friends. Then it turned the corner and while she was still living here before we separated, she smoked at every chance possible--before sex, before going out, on the way home from work etc. I used to partake in high school and college, but grew up a long time ago. She knew my concerns were with the legality of possession and the fact that she so blatantly left it out where it wouldn't take much for our 9 y/o son to discover. I told her that if that ever happened she was done.<p>Long story short--after Plan B was almost served her way yesterday (I busted her again after she said A was over) we had a little heart to heart. Turns out OM is a lazy, fat-assed pot-smoker with little ambition [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] . The whole time she was living her toking it up, she gave me the excuse that "it's just the way I am". I knew she partied in high school and college too but debated her on that fiercely.<p>Well, Mr. Doper OM got her started on it and she was the first to admit it. He bought her the "accessories" and even provided for her (isn't that SPECIAL). <p>May be the same situation with your WS. The whole partying with friends doesn't fly, especially if you've never been around them. Maybe it is true and I am way off--she could be on a tangent. However, unless she is approaching the mid-life crisis age, I kinda doubt it.<p>It really sucks, and I can sympathize what you are putting up with. There were times before WS moved out and I wasn't sure if the A was on or off that I almost kicked her out just for the weed. We are both very successful in our careers and the last thing I need is a possession charge. Most states will confiscate car/house etc if pot is found, regardless of if it's yours or hers. That's the kicker.<p>Hope that helps--hang tough.<p>G