when H first had his EA about a year and a 1/2 ago his reasoning for doing it was the same as alot of other WS's reasons.... ie: i was unhappy at home. needs not being met etc....
the other day H says to me <p>ya know Ive been thinking alot about why i did it and the reasons i gave you ....and now that i look at it i see that We are in the same place now that we were then ....and Im happy. <p>his point being that he doesnt believe he was really unhappy at home at the time of the affair.<p>So with this in the light H has no logical reasoning for his behavior.
in this i have been unable to get a reason out of him.<p>what gives with this ?????? anyone out there??????

Maybe he's just trying to say that he's grown as a person...that he's better able to be a healthy part of a relationship now. Maybe when he had the affair he was a different person, and not equipped to handle things? That's what it sounds like to me at least.

Could be he just finally retrieved his brains from the Mothership. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

i guess my real reason for asking about this is... if H was really "content" in the marriage when he had his EA whos to say the next time thers a potential situation he wont fall into it again?......... how often does one who has learned the MB principles and seen the harm he has caused his family reoffend?.... Im scared that if he makes another "friend" he will once again lead himself to believe he is unhappy to persue "greener pastures"/<p>
how logical is my thinking?

lovontherocks
I can't comment on what is usual as far as excuses go but here's what happened to my marriage. I had a brief affair 1 1/2 years ago, my wife found out and it ended. we talked about why it happened and at the time i really couldn't say, i didn't know. I was in love with my wife and thought i was happy at home. After a few weeks we didn't talk about it and things went back to the way they were before my affair, I didn't make any changes in myself, didn't do any reading and we just lived day to day. I thought we had survived the affair. About three months ago my wife told me that because of what i did she had lost her feelings for me, and had no desire to get them back. I discovered she was having an affair, she said it wasn't about the OM and if i hadn't betrayed her it never would have happened. We went through two months of hell. I read everything i could get my hands on and realized that my emotional needs weren't being met when i had my affair, and i wasn't meeting hers. I wish i would have done some reading a long time ago. I made alot of changes in myself and our marriage. The problem is my wifes feelings are gone and she doesn't know if they will come back. Her affair ended 3 weeks ago so we are in the early stages of recovery.
You can't go back to the way things were before the affair, seek counselling and/or read "surving the affair" I can see your marriage may take the same path as mine, it's hell, you don't want it, and you can do something about it now. Tell your husband to do some reading and he will realize why he did what he did. There is always a reason. If you both are meeting each others needs it won't happen again. My wife always wanted to know why and because i didn't do anything to change our marriage after it happened i honestly didn't know why. For me I now realize that mine was about someone else showing me admiration and boosting my self esteem (didn't know it was low but i now realize it was ) it was also about conversation which is unfair because i was the one that didn't talk enough in our marriage.
Sit you husband down and tell him if changes aren't made things could get alot worse before they ever get better....good luck and keep reading

Luv...<p>Regardless of whether the relationship was good or bad, it's something that was lacking within HIMSELF that led him to choose having an affair over taking responsibility in the relationship.<p>If he truly realizes this, and truly sees that having an affair was wrong and not the ultimate answer, I really don't think he would do it again.

Now for my real answer.<p>Absolutely, pretty darn tootin' it can happen again.<p>This is exactly why you and your H need to WORK on your marriage - applying the MB principles of keeping the love bank full is a good way to do it. Get a copy of "His Needs/Her Needs" and put it to use.<p>You said: "Regardless of whether the relationship was good or bad, it's something that was lacking within HIMSELF that led him to choose having an affair over taking responsibility in the relationship."<p>Yea, but...........you probably helped.<p>You definitely ARE NOT responsible for his decision to have a affair, but you are partly responsible for creating the environment for him to justify that decision. In other words, you both have work to do now that he has his brains back.<p>WAT

Bruins4,<p>Thanks for sharing that. I know it was painful but your story is also invaluable. I hope that you and your wife can find a way to recover your marriage.<p>Luv,<p>Your concern is a real one. Many WS’s say the same thing. STL did and still does. But now when STL says it he’s saying from a different point then he did at first. We did a lot of introspection after day. We know which of his needs were not being me… His self esteem had been so trashed by his ex-wife’s affairs and leaving him for OM. To make matters worse, she was the 4th person to abandon him in his life… his father walked out when he was 13. He’s never seen or heard from his dad in the 36 years since. <p>His high school and college sweetheart (they were living together) sent him a Dear John letter when he was in Viet Nam on the normal 1year tour. They had been together for 3 years or so but she could not wait one year for him. <p>His first wife left one day without even telling him she was going or what the problem was. He came home one day from military maneuvers to find that she had left. Took nothing, no cloths, no money, nothing. He did not know if she was dead or alive. STL and her father spent the next year looking for her. They eventually found her in California living with her biker, drugie OM. Once he found her he did not disturbed her so he’s never spoken or seen her since the day he kissed her goodbye and went to work. <p>Then his second wife of 14 years started having affairs, drinking and doing drugs in about the 10th year of their marriage. The marriage ended when she left him and their children for her alcoholic, abusive OM. <p>He was one hurt puppy when I found him. I did not realize how hurt. After a lot of work, we realize that he was using the affairs to boost his ego. For once in his life he had all sorts of women fawning over him. It’s easy to find people who will do that over the internet. He was their knight in shinning armour… always there with a kind word, a strong shoulder and they paid him back with admiration and love. Yes each of the women said that they thought he was THE ONE. They’d hit pay dirt. Of course, put a man and a woman together, stir in some admiration and empathy and viola!, sex happens. So while he loved me and we had what we thought was a good relationship, he was getting so much from these women that he could not give it up. Says he kept wanting to, but it was down right addictive. His affairs were not because I as not meeting his EN’s. His affairs were because it as so darn easy to get the needs met by lonely women on the Internet. It started before we were engaged, he just never stopped. Like he did not give up his dating after we became engaged. Sure there were some I was not meeting, these women were. But if he always got them filled elsewhere and never told me about his needs and hurts. How could I meet them? How could I compete with what 10 women can give? I’m only one person, there is not way I can compete.<p>But with this knowledge he has been able to change some things in himself, to go to counseling to address these issues, etc. We have both addressed some issues to make our marriage work better. We have instituted the MB concepts in our lives. And he has done the things that Harley suggests like radical honesty, accounts for his time, key stroke monitor on his computer, shared all his passwords, etc. <p>I am as sure as anyone can be that he will never do this again. He is also sure that I will never have an affair. We have affair proofed our marriage and ourselves. And now, if either of us strays, I don’t think there would be any reason to try to save the marriage. If what we are doing is not enough to prevent affairs… nothing is.<p>I’m with everyone else, there is something in him and something in your relationship that led him to the affair. What has he given you that lets you know that he will never do this again. It does not sound like that step has been taken. Look deeper….

Oh yeah...that's a good point, that we all need to remember...<p>Relationships are a journey, not a destination. There's never a point where we can just sit back on our laurels and say "OK, I'm done!".<p>It'll require constant work to keep the relationship healthy and happy...even if he didn't have another affair, he might still leave, you know? If he wasn't happy, that is...and you might leave under the right circumstances, too. There are no guarantees...

TowardsTheFuture,<p>Very good point.<p>And not only might he leave, but you could end up the BS or leave some day. Your marriage is something you both need to nurture every day for the rest of your lifes.

cant reply right now just wanted to tell everyone thanks appreciate the replies

Luv,
Wanted to give some more thots on your FWH's comments:<p>I think first of all, that they "think" themselves unhappy a lot of times, to justify "looking" or wandering. In other words, Revisionist History. <p>People "let down their guard" and begin chatting with a friend/whoever (in my WH's case, old g/f, friend of family), thinking that it's just "an ear who will listen" when we WON'T. As soon as you "let down your guard" and begin sharing intimate stuff about your M with outsiders, you are setting yourself up to be "sucked in" to EA at the very least. So if we all were to start talking about our mates, we'd all find plenty of stuff we could "complain" about....if someone cared (or pretended to care, just cause they like spending time w/us!)<p>So one thing I think your FWH is admitting to you is that, EVEN THO EVERYTHING ISN'T TOTALLY ROSEY at home, he sees that it isn't an excuse to roam, but I would sure use that as a "wake-up call" to WORK ON THINGS!!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]