I also posted this in the recovery board even though I don't know if I qualify anymore for recovery, I just thought that I'd find more ws there than anywhere else. My husband is leaving again tonight after 2 false recover starts. He told me both times he ended it with her, but never really did. This time he says that he wishes he had never met her, but he did and he prefers her to me. Needs to be happy. The other times he moved out, he was always welcome to come get the kids on the bus in the morning and have dinner with us once in a while (the kids were never told that he was really out of the house, just working alot). This time, I have asked him for no contact except through e-mail with the kids. I will tell the kids that he is on a business trip for the week and he will call nightly to talk with them. I will not answer the phone (actually plan on not even being home so it doesn't seem strange to them). He said he would appreciate us not telling the kids anything till he sorts everything out in his head. In my heart I know we should still be in Plan A, as we do love each other, recognize the mistakes that lead up to the affair (mistakes made by both of us, the usual that I was too preoccupied with the kids and making everyone else happy).
I'm really confused, but I guess I know that this has to happen. He loves me, just loves her more. He admits that he doesn't know all about her and she doesn't know all about him, but they are soulmates. She is a professional and has been divorced with no kids for about 15 years.<p>My question to former WH is this - He says he is so confused and it's driving him crazy. Although he is packing up and leaving tonight (for an apartment he never gave up the second time he left), we talked all morning and made love. I realize he is very confused, he just can't seem to break it off with her, but I know he also still loves me very much. Do any of you think there is any hope for this marriage? Can you please give me some insight on what I should do. I will try my hardest to stick to the no contact, as I think that's the only thing I haven't tried with him yet. I find it encouraging that he does not want to tell the kids yet, but on the other hand, I'm scared as all heck to find out what the end of next week will bring to our family.<p>sorry this is so long. Any insight as to what he is going through would be greatly appreciated.<p>Marcia

Marcia,<p>My heart just breaks for you. I can only imagine the agony you are going through. <p>I think the no-contact is a good thing in this case. I think he has had it too easy--i.e., you made it real convenient for him to stay on the fence--when he left before. He needs to see what really being away from your family is. It may take a while. The longer he is gone, the more isolated he will be from his children's lives--whether this absence will make his heart grow fonder or make his heart grow colder, only God knows. Either way, his reaction will tell you a lot.<p>I don't think you should lie to your children, however. First off, they are a lot smarter than we sometimes give them credit for. Second, you, like most parents, probably expect honesty from them---you can't expect it if you don't give it. Be honest with them insofar as they are capable of understanding at their respective ages. I'm also against lying to them to protective their wayward father's image...making him look like a saint and you look like a nut because you are going thru such turmoil now.<p>I'm sure the 'no-kid' professional woman looks real good right now to your wh but how will she look when he finds out she has pms like the rest of us and farts in her sleep too? [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] Seriously, someone else posted on another thread the best saying I think I have ever heard about this sub: "Yes, the grass is always greener over there because that's where all the bullsh*t is spread."<p>Hang in there, baby. Keep us posted.<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

I think the fact that he keeps coming back and then leaving has got to be the hardest on you. I agree with the other post though, you should not hide it from the children. Kids are smart and can sense when there is problems and your also making it easier on him but not telling the kids. I was a WS and so was my husband. If your husband truly loved this other woman he wouldn't be able to be making love with you and he certainly wouldn't be so confused. When I realized I loved the OM and did not and could not make love to my ex husband. I think there is a lot of hope for you and your husband. BUT, I do think that he needs to have a clear picture of what divorce would be like. He would be going from a home filled with kids to an empty home. The peace is enjoyable for a short time and then you miss the excitment that is in a home filled with kids. I think you have 4 kids and if that is the case by the time he's done paying child support I'd be surprised if he could afford to support himself. Does the OW who has never had to worry about children want to support him for the next few years? At any rate, I really do think that your husband needs to have a strong taste of what divorce would be like and the endless evenings without children. Having 4 children it's no wonder the two of you lost sight of each other for awhile. But, I think this is a hard lesson for both of you to put each other first and I do think you'll both have that chance again. Tough love is what I think is needed in this situation since he's been able to bounce between the two of you for so long. Don't call him and when he phones try to keep the contact between him and the children. Let him see that your a strong woman that still has her family while he has nothing.

hurting,
I am so sorry for your pain, but I really think in one week he still won't know anything. The confusion will just linger until he makes some kind of decision. I know for me, it was easy to straddle the fence as along as both men were willing to wait for me to figure out what I wanted and needed. But while I was doing all that figuring, my H was busy meeting all the needs that the OM was meeting. In the end, I just didn't want to be without my family. I lived with the OM for a week, oh, not long, but long enough for me to miss my girls. When I came back home, the A seemed to be over, but in a month it started up again. I was so sure that I must have been meant to be with the OM or things wouldn't have started up again, but I realize now that my H still didn't know how to meet all my needs. And I realized that I wasn't listening to what God was telling me.
It's very appealing to your H to go to the OW when there are not expectations from him. He has noone to divide his time with since there are no kids around. So I imagine he is looking at all that to figure out what he wants. How old are your children? Would they understand that their dad is confused on what he wants out of life now if you told them he had his own apartment? You can leave the OW out of it to start with to see how they react, but if they are old enough, they will understand. IF he is still undecided after a week, I like you should talk to him about letting your children know that he isn't on an extended business trip, but that he has his own place and wants to live apart from his family.
Honesty is the best thing you can do for your kids right now. They have to know they can depend on you.
well, that's my 2 cents. My prayers are with you.
Debbie

DIDDALLAS
Thank you so much for my first laugh in two days.<p>BONNIESEPT
Of course she will support them, they were meant to be together and their love will get them through this (her words, make me gag)<p>DLM
my husband says the same things as you said like, if it wasn't meant to be, then why do things keep starting up again after he tries to end it, why don't his feelings lessen. <p>
TO YOU ALL
I agree with telling the kids. Thing is, he works so much that telling them that he is on a business trip for just a week really won't phase them much. I know it can't go any longer than that though and he does too. A good friend of ours says that when it comes down to telling the kids, he will be back. He really is a good man who made a mistake and is very confused right now. I know he still loves me and cares for me very much. I feel that I need to give him this space so that every avenue has been covered. Can any of you tell me if the feelings lessen after each break up or if they intensify? Until d-day, they were making plans to ride off into the sunset without me ever knowing about the A. As soon as D-day hit, my husband realized how much I really did love him and had already noticed the changes I was making (ie. quit my job) to make our home life as stress-free as one can get it with four kids.<p>Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom.<p>Marcia
dlm

Oh, cool! Their love will get them through---I guess then she won't mind him paying through the nose on child support! Wow, what a wonderful woman!<p>Ya know, it just occurred to me that after a few weekends of having all four kids over at her place for visitation, she might just boot your hubby back home to you!

Once again, you make me laugh!! Unfortunately, she got him his own apartment, it's in her name but he wrote her a check that she hasn't cashed yet.<p>Also, he doesn't want the girls to know the real reason why he left, it will wreck his image. If he does end up staying with her, his plans are not for them to meet her for a respectable amount of time.<p>Yeah, I know, they tell you one thing and do another. I can't help it, I have to have faith.

One of the things that has troubled me is that if they're all "soulmates" and so meant for each other, why are they so damned ashamed of the A? If I had found my "soulmate" (I really hate that phrase) I'd be singing from the rooftops.<p>Point being, In hiding this from your kids and trying to protect your H's image, and potentially damaging your own. This is his mess let him lie to your children but don't let it make a liar out of you. Perhaps a bit of dealing with the results of his decisions will make him think about his actions.

I think now you need to protect yourself and stop protecting him. Just MHO.<p>My H was so concerned with looking like a good guy that this whole A went WAY further than he wanted it to...because he knew he would lose his children and his friends and the respect of everyone he knew, not to mention his W. <p>When I finally began to wake up to the possibility of the OW and he verified that he had "feelings" for her..but denied the PA...I told his children and everyone...NO Longer was I going to run interference for him...my doing that enabled him to do what he did and still look at himself in the mirror...And GUESS WHAT,...the kids had it figured out long before I did..and so did everyone else. So by his OWN behavior, he cost himself everything he thought he wouldn't lose.<p>"soulmates"..how I HATE that word. Isn't it about committment and picking a person and making it work? NOt at ALL costs,certainly,but if you are M to a good ,decent person, isn't everyone loveable in their own way? Hey, maybe MY soulmate is out there M to someone else..BUT isn't that the opposite of what a soulmate REALLY is..the person you were meant to be with...if i was MEANT to be with that person,wouldn't I BE? <p>God made "soulmates",right? So does God throw us these curves, to cause a M to break up because he "tricked" you into marrying someone else? Yeah, sure, God LOVES divorce and lies and infidelity and everything else that goes along with it.
Sorry...bad rant and I hope I did not offend...I just CAN'T stand this soulmate crap

SOFAR
I'm only going to hold out hope for a week without us that he will come to his senses. After that, the children will have to be talked to. I dread hurting them and I know he does too.<p>WOUNDED
My H doesn't even like it when the OW says they are soulmates. Go figure.

Hurting..Neither did my H,like when the OW said that..made him VERY uncomfortable...There is JUST no reasoning with them...Praying for you and wishing you strength