Here is a letter I am considering sending to my H.
We were doing pretty well until right before X-mas then things kinda fell apart. 2 things happened which were triggers for my H -- my son was questioning me about a phone call and caused some major suspicions for H, and we got our computer repaired and are back online at home after a long time (I met OM online).<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I know that I'm not the great communicator and that I tend to avoid talking to you. I just don't want to delve into things for the sake of doing it -- and having no outcome.
And I hadn't made a plan, didn't really have a purpose -- so why cause all that pain for
both of us?<p>Especially in the past two weeks, I haven't felt like talking because I know that anything
we have to say is going to lead to fighting and unhappiness. I can see a change in you
in the past two weeks. You are very angry. You're not speaking to me. I feel as though
I am being hunted again. <p>I know that I'm not handling the situation very well -- I get angry in return. I hide my phone on
purpose because it annoys the hell out of me that you're looking for it.
I am still feeling anger over the confrontation last night. I know that you're cycling through emotions because of some triggers. I understand what is going on -- I know that just having a computer in the house causes anger. I was reading yesterday about stages -- which are anger, denial, resentment, and acceptance. <p>I still don't know what the right answer is. But I know its not fair to you to continue living like
this -- where you want to work on the elationship but I don't. <p>I want you to know that I think about this constantly. I still read the Marriage Builder website constantly, trying to understand how other people in situations like ours are handling things. I try to see things from your point of view. <p>I know that you want to spend time with your friends. I just can't do that anymore. XXX, and XXX and the rest are your friends -- not mine. And they never will be mine. I am completely uncomfortable around them. <p>I really resisted the idea of people knowing about me, and did not want you to tell people what was going on. Thats really not fair to you. And I've adjusted to the idea. I've been gauging my own reaction to being around people you've confided in. I don't know how to adequately describe how I feel -- but I guess
the best word is isolated. And I feel like I am letting go of trying to control the situation. That typically is is me -- I try to control the outcome. This is one that I couldn't. And I'm finding that I don't really care. Your mom
is gonna be your mom no matter what, I actually gave up on trying to win her over a few years ago. And there is no chance of recovering a relationship with her. As for the rest, I don't really feel like I've ever had a personal relationship with them, so I guess what they think of me really doesn't affect me. Its been a learning process, cuz like I said before -- I was really really upset with the idea of you talking about it to anyone. I'm not anymore.
I understand your need for support. And no matter how much I don't like it -- I'm the bad guy. <p>I wish so much that this never happened. I wish so much that I could go back in time and do so many things differently. The last four years of my life have been so painful. <p>I don't understand why you're still here. I know that you say that you love me. But you don't even know me anymore. We lost our connection. And that happened a long time ago. In a lot of ways I think our relationship was never like that. I think we agreed on priorities and day to day things. But I can't think of
a time where "we" mattered. I feel as though we've always been separate -- there was (H) and all his things and there was (me) and all her things. But when was there ever "us"? Maybe at the very beginning -- but I really
can't think about that anymore, cuz at the beginning I was wrong -- nothing was what I thought it was.<p>All the reading I've done on Marriage Builders talks about how a marriage is a entity all by itself. You still have the two individuals -- but you also have this third thing "the couple". I don't feel as though we were ever a couple.
I feel like we were individuals, and we were a family -- but I can't think of a time when I thought of us like that.
I feel like I've reached some understanding of how things reached this point. And I know how hard you've tried.
I don't have the motivation to work on creating us as a couple. <p>I'm going to tell you how I view some things -- but I have some real hesitation on telling you what I think because I don't want you to "educate" me or tell me how wrong I am. Here goes: I feel like property. I feel like you don't want to be divorced -- and I'm the one who fits in the wife space -- so you're fighting for that. Its not about ME -- its about
what you want (or don't want). I sometimes think you're fighting for an idea or an image. I think that you're afraid that if its
not me, then its nobody. <p>At the very least I hope that this gives you some insight into how I am thinking and feeling.
I don't want you to have the idea that I am oblivious, or not thinking about things. <hr></blockquote><p>Is this worth sending or should I just forget it?

I would suggest replacing the "I know your feelings are ..." with I believe you feel like this. <p>I think it is better to express your opinions on how he feels rather than you telling him you know he feels this for certain. You could be close or even right on the mark but better to express your feelings rather than his feelings.<p>Just my thoughts.

Lexxxy, if my H sent this to me I would jump for joy...<p>I sometimes wonder if men WSs and women WSs, though having similar issues...tend to deal with it differently...<p>My H does not want to talk...just this a.m., after a night where "I blew up over nothing." he said "Why can't we just move on..."<p>HUH? move on? I didn't know we were moving anywhere together...<p>I think that we get 'stuck.' This letter shows such a willingness to 'understand' your H's POV and explain yours...<p>...but men 'get' things differently...so I'm not sure how he will interpret it...I hope some male WSs respond to you...<p>Good luck...and for what it is worth...I've done a lot of thinking about some of the very questions you posed...does my H just fit the husband role...why him? and like you I think we lost the 'us' part of our marriage...and going back...since we both 'held' back our own stuff...maybe the 'us' part didn't get a firm foundation...<p>...my take now is that I can't go back and 'fix' that part...I/we can only do things to create it in our marriage now...reacquaint ourselves to one another...while protecting each other from hurt and ourselves from our weaknesses...<p>Cali

Thanks both of you for your replies.<p>I tried not to speak as though I know -- just what I think or what I feel. <p>One of the points I really wanted to make to him was that there are reasons I don't talk a lot. That its painful to just hash it out over and over again. But even though I don't say it -- I do feel things and think about it.

Lex,<p>What do hope to gain by sending the letter? <p>There are many ways a BS could interpet it.<p>You might want to state your intent right away and be honest about it/them. Big and bold print. I thought it was a good letter that showed a lot about how you are feeling but if it were sent to me I would read it and be confused as to what you were wanting. If it's just to share feelings make sure you state that plain and clear at the start and then ask him to share his feelings with you about what you wrote so you know it accomplished your goal. You should know by now how we BS's like to read between the lines. Just a suggestion.<p>
who

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lexxxy:
<strong>Thanks both of you for your replies.<p>I tried not to speak as though I know -- just what I think or what I feel. <p>One of the points I really wanted to make to him was that there are reasons I don't talk a lot. That its painful to just hash it out over and over again. But even though I don't say it -- I do feel things and think about it.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You beat me to it. That's what I was talking about.<p>
who

Thanks Who --
I must say I'm not really sure what I hope to accomplish. But this is coming about because of an incident that happened last nite.<p>I spent the evening helping my D with homework, playing with S. H was sullen distant and moody. Sat by himself watching football. For the past two weeks, he has been this way. In my first post I mentioned why.<p>As I was putting the kids to bed, he questioned me about something on the computer that had OM's initials on it (absolutely harmless -- it was a game -- but a trigger for him nonetheless) I answered his question. But then his response to me was "you better hope thats what it is" "if I find out anything else I'll throw the computer out the window" Extreme anger.<p>I got angry in return -- I had nicely answered his question, was honest and INNOCENT, tried to understand that he was upset.<p>Also -- he had left me a voicemail message on New Years about not understanding where we were etc. I never responded.<p>So then after the computer grilling, he continued on with Bi**ing at me about not talking to him. Being very sarcastic and mean. <p>The whole incident was upsetting because he did it all within earshot of my daughter. She got upset and shut her door -- but came to find me later and asked how old do kids have to be to decide who they want to live with.<p>So Who -- I don't know what I hope the outcome to be -- but maybe I just need to let him know that I'm not ignoring the situation. Maybe its to diffuse his anger so that my kids aren't suffering. I'm not sure

Lexxy,
I agree with others points about pupose & trying to not be so inclusive with how he feels.
I must say that I would be trilled to no end if my DW would take the time to try & honestly put in writing how she felt about certain things.
Your letter to me at least, is a very visable, tangible sign that you are trying to be empathetic to his needs & that you do care about the relationship & at the same time you are expressing some needs you feel -- all very positive I think.
I know it is painful for all of us in this situation. I don't know all the answers, but I know from what my DW tells me & the non-verbal messages, she wants to sweep the whole thing under the rug & pretend nothing happened & EXPECTS ME TO IGNORE MY OWN TRIGGERS & WORSHIP HER, yet she seems to ignore my needs! That is not the best approach.
In my case, she said she was sorry on D/day & I don't recall her saying it again. If she is like you & thinks about this stuff, she does not want me to know. If she does think about it once in awhile, I think I would feel a lot better if she put it in writing & I don't want to appear selfish here, but in that same context I would sure like to hear her say she was sorry one more time at least.
I may be crazy, but if I knew she was truly repentive & cared about my feelings as much as hers, this would really go a long ways in giving my mind a rest and restoring the trust!
Good Luck!
Love & prayers,
HH

Lexxxy-<p>You seem to be suffering so much and I am sorry. I appreciate how honest your letter is. Your letter is pretty good and a little scary. As the BS, I could see my WW writing something very similar in regards to her feelings about 'us'.<p>Before you send the letter, make sure you can answer the question already posed in this thread, "So what?". I think you H deserves not to be left hanging. A while back, our counselor suggested to my W that she sit down with me and describe how I felt and what I was going through. She asked if she was getting it and if I responded negatively, she tried again until I responded that she did 'hit the nail on the head'. through this exercise, for the first time, I felt like she was trying to come to grips with how I was feeling and how I was being torn apart. I think it would help your H if you could also put something in the letter that helps him understand that you have some sense of the emotions that he is feeling.<p>I know your H's temper doesn't help. There are daily triggers for me too. You have to understand that your resolve that it can't work is clashing with his resolve to stay married. You took refuge in OM when you were not happy. He stayed committed to you and the family despite his needs not being met. This troubles me and might also bother your H. I have never lashed out and only twice have I even raised my voice a little, once on d-day (and woke my oldest son--which I really regret) and another time after a bad day at work and coming home to find my W still in contact with OM and having changed all of our plans for the evening.<p>Can you give your H a safe place to express his emotions? It sounds like he has a lot brewing inside of him. I'm sure he doesn't like it either. You may not understand but I even have to become angry in my mind just to replace the times when I find myself sexually excited by my W and wanting to make love to her. I know she doesn't want to do this with me so I try to avoid leading myself down that way so I don't have to deal with the rejection (again).<p>In my situation, I really don't know what my W wants. She goes along with counseling but doesn't really apply what she hears from the counselor. As my screen name implies, she is fence sitting and doesn't know what she wants to do. This is also frustrating for me because I know what I want to do. I feel like she is waiting for me to change my mind so that she doesn't have to make a commitment one way or another.<p>I degress...back to your letter. As a BS, I would appreciate hearing some heartfelt feedback from my WS like you wrote. However, reading that you don't have the motivation (even the kids?) to work on being a 'couple' would upset me. It might be the only thing that I take from the letter. I'm sure that this is not your intention. Please consider including something about what you plan to do about the situation--other than reading stuff on this site. At some point, it has to be applied and tested. Best to you. I'm sorry for the place you are in.<p>HoFS

lexxy,<p>The letter is good and a very good idea. However, it sure would be good if you could take a moment to now reflect on what you said in the letter. Analyze it and see if it could not take YOU a step further. Then you'd have something even more to offer. The comment that stating your purpose/intent more clearly is the kind of thing I'm thinking of.<p>If you want, I'd like to mull this over a bit and give you some more indepth input. But it will take an hour or so to do it.

Thanks to all of you! <p>I'm trying to think carefully about what I hope to have come from this.<p>I'm trying to empathize with his frustration at my lack of communication. Yet I also feel that communicating without purpose could only hurt him -- which is why I tend to avoid it in the first place.

I am a big believer in writing (big surprise huh), and wrote my w dozens of letters early in our marriage expressing my unhappiness over these kinds of relationship issues (all to no avail, she rarely responded, or even acknowledged I wrote them), eventually I quit. As you know much of your letter (and issues) are similar to mine, and other ws like us, so I feel some sense of where you are at (I think). Wifty was right about what is the goal of the letter, that really wasn't clear, it sort of leaves you with a "so what?" I think you need to include a specific plan of action, be it seperation, committment ot MB counselling and following it for a specific period of time (both of you), be it anger counselling for H, be it specific game plans for how you conduct yourselves for the time being (like how to resolve conflict, such as this weekend, when and how you will spend time together, who and when you will see and interact)... maybe not a whole bunch of detail, but at least the observation that such a plan is necessary to go any further with the marriage.<p>I have more to say, but have to go, will edit this later, or add a new one.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hurrian Hoosier:
<strong>Lexxy,
I agree with others points about pupose & trying to not be so inclusive with how he feels. <p>HH</strong><hr></blockquote>

Same here. I think it's a good first draft. He seems to be very bothered by triggers and I can't emphasize enough how painful those things are. Like red hot pokers in the heart, even if they are totally innocent. Things like hiding your phone only make things worse. It makes it look like you have something to hide, which in turn makes him suspicious and angry. The cell phone was a HUGE trigger for me and if my H had hidden it from me it would have driven me insane. He was very understanding about me snooping. Why wouldn't I snoop? He had already proven that he couldn't be trusted and that he lied, and that trust is a long time coming back.
In order to heal there are often things the WS has to give up, at least for awhile. We never would have made it if H hadn't becoem accountable for all of his time and given up things like "working late" and "drinks with friends from work" which were excuses to see the OW. Basically anything that he used as a cover while having the A was a trigger and had to go unless he had concrete proof of where he was/what he was doing. Maybe it's not "fair' but it's not fair to be the BS either. Lots of sacrifices have to be made on both sides.

Hi Lexx,<p> Exactly what are you trying to say with the letter?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I still don't know what the right answer is. But I know its not fair to you to continue living like this -- where you want to work on the relationship but I don't. <hr></blockquote><p> This would make me feel that no matter what I did it would never be enough to make any difference. Were I to get control of my anger and never mention OM or the A again it would not be enough.
Were I to shower you with affection and all the trust befitting a wife, it would make no difference. <p> Lexx, I know you have said before that you were done with your H. Yet you have stayed. Somewhere in you there must be some part of you that wants to reconnect and have a happy marriage. <p> I would ask that you mention this in your letter if it is true. If there is any chance at all, spell it out for him. Or perhaps remove those lines from the letter.<p> Truth be known, my wife has spoken the exact same words. Then again, my W situation/s are a great deal different than yours.
Point is, if your H does have any chance to help you recover from the years of practically no relationship, and the A, he needs your help in understanding exactly what he needs to do/change.<p> If he has that chance Lexx, tell him.<p> Glad to see a post from you every now and then. <p> jd

Thanks everyone.
I'm really torn about this. <p>I don't have a plan on what I want from this. I think I only wanted to stop him from being angry about my lack of communication.<p>I'm not ready to make any decisions or suggestions on where we go from here. And if
I were to, I wouldn't do it in a letter. Maybe this isn't worth doing. It would only hurt him without any real purpose.<p>By the way JD -- I just can't say that right now. I am very very unhappy over this moody angry behavior. Last night I was ready to call an attorney today -- I can't see living a life of this constant cycling and reliving the anger.<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: Lexxxy ]</p>

Lex,<p>Maybe you're starting to stumble onto the real problems in your M. I hope I'm not stepping to far into this here but I think I can shed some light on what's happening with your H. I don't think he's intentionally doing these things it's just the way he's learned to get what he wants.<p>lexxxy
"I got angry in return -- I had nicely answered his question, was honest and INNOCENT, tried to understand that he was upset."<p>This is where he's confused. He's not sure if he should trust you yet. He's fishing with his comments and silent treatment. He can probably tell if you're lying or not by your reactions. You're attempt at answering nicely, honestly, and with empathy was probably a change - be honest with yourself, was it? <p>That was good. That was really good for you. Next time he's fishing just look him in the eyes and FIRMLY tell him you are being honest with him and you are trying to understand how this upsets him but you're not going to accept the invitation to the fight and you'll gladly talk to him about it after he calms down.<p>I know what you're thinking. That'll piss him off even more. Probably at first but with consistancy he'll have to figure out another way to get what he wants. Sooner or later that's going to be coming to you and talking in a rational manor which is what you want. You will also start a new pattern of sticking up for yourself and not feeling like "property". When ever he gets angry try to figure out what he wants. There's always something behind the anger. Doesn't mean you have to give it to him but it's alot easier to deal with than the anger. At least you'll know what it's about.<p>
Lexxxy, I was one to anger quickly myself. It's taken a commitment, work, and time to change that. The only way he's going to change is if he wants it for himself. Regardless, you don't have to play along. My C gave me something pretty neat to think about. He said that we teach people how to treat us. I've been thinking about that for a few weeks now. It's finally starting to make some sense.<p>
Best of luck,<p>
who

Lexxy,<p>I know and appreciate that your letter is very heart felt. That it means a lot because you do not find it easy to talk about these things so it is a lot for you to offer your H. From what you have written, I can see both your and your husband's points of view.<p>One of the points of the MB Plan A and affair recovery concepts is that at least one of the spouses has to make some very dramatic changes in order for the marriage to recover. In your letter, you express your feelings and what you understand of his. But I do not see any 'giving up' of your stance. To me your letter says.. here is my stance, here is yours, I'm thinking and feeling about it all, but I have no plan to solve this stalemate. The letter is a warm fuzzy but I fear it will get the two of you no where. I think that if my H (former WH) gave me a letter like that I'd feel good that he was 'talking' but frustrated because it gave me nothing real. You see, as the WS, there are things you need to give your H. He will never trust you if you do not do some very tangible things to show your repentance and earn back trust. I hope my assessment does not seem too harsh. I will not make such a comment without offering you something?..<p>I am going to share with you the things that I believe my H STL (former WS) and I did to recover from his affairs. They were not necessarily easy but they worked like magic for us. They may or may not work for you. I am also rewriting your letter as an example for you of how I would say things. You can, of course, take or leave my version of the letter. I will not be offended. I only hope that I am not being too forward and offending you and that my input will be of some help to you.<p>WS's tend to want to never talk about the affair. And often their feelings too. But one of the penitence a WS must go through is to answer their BS's questions over and over until the BS is satisfied. They must also listen to and acknowledge their BS's anger over and over until the anger is gone. Anything less will impede the recovery of your marriage, your H and you. In my case we did this for about 3.5 months. We got the point where we set up a time each day (1-3 hours) where I could ask any questions and I could express my anger. His part was that he had to answer the questions and listen to me. He agreed to hear me out, answer me in radical honesty, and not blow up at me. Yes it was painful to him sometimes. We agreed that if I asked a question that would serve no real purpose but to hurt me? like intimate details about sex. He was to remind me that this was info that could tear me up and that he really did not want to share it. But if I was stupid enough to press, he was to answer it. My part in was to not love bust, not strike out (emotionally or physically) at him for anything he told me. If I was upset it was ok to express my hurt in non-love buster ways. Sometimes I cried. He would just hold me and sooth me till I was done. This was all very difficult. But in the end we came out of the 3.5 months more in love and closer then we had ever been. He became both the source of my pain and my comfort. Today I admire him for the having the strength to help us through this terrible time.<p>I now that what I am suggesting here will be very hard for you. But sometimes the only way through problems is right through the middle of them. You cannot skirt or ignore this, it will not go away if you do not address it. You cannot fence sit. It only makes the problem grown.<p>I hope this helps at least a little?..
________________________________<p>Dear H, <p>I am very saddened because until right before Christmas I thought we were doing very well. Then between the issue of my cell phone, the call S brought up, the computer being fixed, and the file you are concerned about it seems we are falling apart.<p>I love you deeply and want our marriage to work. I want to nurture you and our relationship. You know that I do not speak of my most inner thoughts very well. But I have to at this point. This is hard for me but wroth the effort. One of the points I want to make in this letter are the reasons I don't talk a lot. It is painful to just hash things over and over again. Even though I don't say it, I do feel and understand your pain. I die a little inside every time I see the pain I have caused. I also feel pain, guilt and remorse for my affair and for hurting you. Thoughts about this are ever present with me. This self recrimination is very hard for me to live with. I think I have been running away from it as a survival technique.<p>I know that I'm not a great communicator and that I tend to avoid talking to you. I just have not wanted to delve into things for the sake of doing it -- and having no outcome. And I hadn't made a plan, didn't really have a purpose -- so why cause all that pain for both of us?<p>I have come to realize something that is making me rethink this. I have come to realize that you have many unanswered questions about my affair. I lived through it and did not want to revisit it as this is very painful. Put I also realize that you have many questions that need answering. I also have come to realize that you may need to ask those questions over and over until you have arrived at some resolution. I have come to realize that part of the penitence I must pay for my affair is to answer your questions, truthfully, over and over. I also know that you need to express your rightful anger at me over and over until it is gone. This will be a painful process for both of us. I only ask that you do these things without love busting and without unfair judgements.<p>I now that you need to learn to trust that it and me will take time. But trust goes both ways. I also need to learn to trust you. I am afraid that if I open up to you, you will use what I tell you to hurt me, to shame me. This will not help our marriage.<p>I also have come to realize the necessity for both of us to practice radical honesty. In the past I lied to you because I thought I was protecting you from my terrible choices. But I have learned that a lie, even if intended to protect, is nothing more then a lie. It only serves to prove that the person who tells it is not trustworthy. From this point forward I will always be radically honest with you. If I do not feel safe answering a question, or discussing a topic I will tell you that I feel unsafe and ask that you give me some time to come to terms with it. But I will not lie to protect either you or me.<p>Especially in the past two weeks, I haven't felt like talking because I know that anything we have to say is going to lead to fighting and unhappiness. I can see a change in you in the past two weeks. You are very angry. You're not speaking to me. This is what I mean about not feeling safe. I will not fight with you in the future. It gets us nowhere. If a conversation goes toward anger and fighting I will walk away and take a break until we both calm down. I love you. I do not want to fight with you.<p>An other thing that has surface again in the last two weeks is that I am being hunted again. It has dawned on me that I cannot be snooped on if everything is open. If we each have totally to each other's phones, computers, mail, etc. then no one needs snoop. I can understand why you feel like you need to check up on me and why the computer issue bothers you. I do not want you to feel this hurt. So I am going to do some things to hopefully give you the comfort you need. As I said, I want us to practice radical honesty. I have come to learn that it is essential in a marriage. I have also realized that a marriage needs no privacy. In fact, privacy is what allows a spouse to starting living a separate life and keep secrets. I have not secret from you. Here is what I am doing. You are welcome to check my cell phone at any time you want. I only ask that you not erase any calls or phone numbers. I will keep the phone in the open. As for the computer, I can understand your fear about it. So I am installing a key stroke tracking software on our computer. You and I can both have the password to this software. If I violate your trust and delete a log file, a record is kept of that so you will know. Please, any time you feel unsure, check the log file on the computer. I will also give you the passwords to all of my IM and email accounts. I promise to never chat with any one except (list here people like your mom and other 'safe' people). I would expect that in the name of radical honesty you will provide me with the same. Again please check my accounts anytime you feel a need. I hope that these actions will prove to you, over time, my desire to be open and honest with you. I am working to earn back your trust.<p>I still don't know what the right answer is. But I know its not fair to you to continue living like this -- where you want to work on the relationship but I don't. But maybe by my sharing some with you, you we will both have a little more peach.<p>I want you to know that I think about this constantly. I still read the Marriage Builder website constantly, trying to understand how other people in situations like ours are handling things. I try to see things from your point of view. <p>I know that you want to spend time with your friends. I just can't do that anymore. XXX, and XXX and the rest are your friends -- not mine. And they never will be mine. I am completely uncomfortable around them. <p>I really resisted the idea of people knowing about me, and did not want you to tell people what was going on. That's really not fair to you. And I've adjusted to the idea. I've been gauging my own reaction to being around people you've confided in. I don't know how to adequately describe how I feel -- but I guess
the best word is isolated. And I feel like I am letting go of trying to control the situation. That typically is me -- I try to control the outcome. This is one that I couldn't. And I'm finding that I don't really care. Your mom is gonna be your mom no matter what, I actually gave up on trying to win her over a few years ago. And there is no chance of recovering a relationship with her. As for the rest, I don't really feel like I've ever had a personal relationship with them, so I guess what they think of me really doesn't affect me. Its been a learning process, cuz like I said before -- I was really really upset with the idea of you talking about it to anyone. I'm not anymore. I understand your need for support. And no matter how much I don't like it -- I'm the bad guy. But please understand that I now cannot be around these people, any connection I had to them in the past has been destroyed. I too need a safe place where I can be with you.<p>I wish so much that this never happened. I wish so much that I could go back in time and do so many things differently. The last four years of my life have been so painful. <p>I don't understand why you're still here. I know that you say that you love me. But you don't even know me anymore. We lost our connection. And that happened a long time ago. In a lot of ways I think our relationship was never like that. I think we agreed on priorities and day to day things. But I can't think of a time where "we" mattered. I feel as though we've always been separate -- there was (H) and all his things and there was (me) and all her things. But when was there ever "us"? Maybe at the very beginning -- but I really can't think about that anymore, cuz at the beginning I was wrong -- nothing was what I thought it was.<p>All the reading I've done on Marriage Builders talks about how a marriage is a entity all by itself. You still have the two individuals -- but you also have this third thing "the couple". I don't feel as though we were ever a couple. I feel like we were individuals and we were a family -- but I can't think of a time when I thought of us like that. I feel like I've reached some understanding of how things reached this point. And I know how hard you've tried. I don't have the motivation to work on creating us as a couple. <p>I'm going to tell you how I view some things -- but I have some real hesitation on telling you what I think because I don't want you to "educate" me or tell me how wrong I am. Here goes: I feel like property. I feel like you don't want to be divorced -- and I'm the one who fits in the wife space -- so you're fighting for that. Its not about ME - its about what you want (or don't want). I sometimes think you're fighting for an idea or an image. I think that you're afraid that if it's not me, then its nobody.<p>I did not feel loved and cherished for some time prior to the affair. I still do not feel loved and cherished. I am not your best friend. Have felt pushed aside by you, your friends and your mother. In marriage a man is supposed to leave his family and cling to his wife. His wife should come before his extended family, his friends, and his activities. I do not feel this is how our marriage has been. I feel that I have always been last, or near last.<p>I do not have a plan for how to restore our marriage. The material on MB makes sense. We could also get some couples counseling. But it will take both of us to work together. Are you willing to do that? Or do you have a plan? We need to plan so that we have a destination. <p>At the very least I hope that this gives you some insight into how I am thinking and feeling. I don't want you to have the idea that I am oblivious, or not thinking about things.

Gee, i got something totally different in this letter. Writing your feelings is a good way if you are not a good communicator. But the only thing i got from this letter was a easy way of giving H the big kiss-off saying that you could care less about HIS FRIENDS, HIS MOTHER, blah blah blah. And that you really don't want the marriage anymore so it seems turning the LB into the last straw for you is your answer for the final escape. That's what i got reading this.

Thanks everyone for your input.<p>I've decided not to send it.<p>Zor especially -- your thoughts are right on target. I really appreciate what you said. It really dawned on me that the letter that you wrote is where I need to be -- but I'm not. I'm feeling so incredibly sad as I sit here and write this. Its become totally clear that I am not in the place I need to be to save my marriage. I can't say the things that you said. <p>So given that realization, I also can no longer be unfair to H. <p>I think that the letter I wrote was a selfish attempt to diffuse the current unhappy situation and to buy myself more time. Time to get off the fence.<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: Lexxxy ]</p>

Lexxy,<p>I agree with trying2_4give to a point.....<p>Yep, that's why I as suggesting some very concrete things for you to do. They will show some committment on your part... <p>But I do not think it is clear that you do not want your marriage. You are still there, that means something.Actions speak louder then words. It's almost as though you are waiting for some magic to start making things right. That magic will never happen unless you make it happen. It is your turn to make a positive move. Or maybe it's time for you to leave your marriage if you are not willing to work on it. If you do leave, do not use it as an excuse to further hurt your H. He is hurting far more then i believe you can even comprehend.<p>As uncomfortable as your h's response is to your hiding things and not talking, it is a very normal and understandable response.<p>lexxy, I have assumed that you ended all contact with the OM and have sent him a no contact letter. Have you?