This is a letter I have written to my WH, I will call him "Q" any input before I give it to him tonight would be appreciated.<p>
January 4, 2002
My Dearest Q,<p>Why another letter, is Im sure, the question you are now asking. I am not sure I have an answer to that. I really just need to explain to you where I am coming from.<p>First of all, about the other night, it must have been the ugliest, most horrific night I could have imagined. All of my anger, all that I have bottled up over the last three months came pouring out of me in a torrent of hate, venom and cruelty. For that I am sorry. For feeling the anger, I cannot apologize.

It was in me. It had to come out at some point, I have read that this anger must be felt and let go in order for a person to move past the pain of an affair, it is a step in grieving the loss of the pure marital bond that we once had. Something that was supposed to be just mine has been taken from me forever. I can never have it back; the pureness of our pledge to one another has been forcefully taken from my life. I had no choice in this matter, nobody came to me and said, I am going to have an affair and give the most sacred part of us to this other person, is that OK with you. I know that sounds silly, the very nature of an affair precludes this from happening. The point is, something very important to me was ripped away from me in a violent and cruel way. Nothing, not even a recovery of our marriage can bring that back to me. I grieve for this loss as I would a member of my family who has died. But, you did not die, you are still here, and I see you every day. The pain I feel is renewed every day as you go off to work and see her. It intensifies every time I know you are at a social function with her. It was brought home to me again each time she sent you an e-mail and each time you lied to me about it. You see, you have robbed me of something, hurt me beyond all possible imagining of the word hurt, and then cared very little about the damage you caused and chose to do nothing to help me recover from it. Your decision to leave our marriage without trying to see if there is anything left to save it, your decision not to do everything in our power to find out if those feelings of love can be found again (and they often are) has only piled hurt upon hurt.<p>I know you are thinking that once again, I am only thinking about myself and not about your pain. That may be true right now. What I am trying to do here is explain my feelings and emotions at this time, to you, as clearly as I can. It is up to you to try and explain your feelings and emotions right now to me.

I can tell you that I understand that you feel hopeless, that you feel nothing can be saved, that you don&#8217;t have those &#8220;in-love feelings&#8221; for me. I know all of this and understand. I also understand that this is not uncommon. Most people who have an affair express the very same thought and feelings as you have stated. If you don&#8217;t believe me, go the Marriage Builders bulletin board. Take a look at the infidelity boards. They are filled with people just like us. Some are trying to recover their marriages; some are beyond hope and preparing to deal with divorce. Most are people in my shoes, trying to deal with the fact that their spouse had an affair, and now wishes for nothing but an end while the faithful spouse is trying to hang on and praying for recovery. There are also a number of spouses who actually had the affair and are now trying to deal with their feelings about it. Some are very sorry and want nothing more than to be forgiven and make their marriages work. Some are dealing with the loss of the other person, who they had very strong, in love, feelings for. Most talk about how they miss their &#8220;best friend&#8221;. They will all say that they had lost the &#8220;in love&#8221; feelings for their spouse. Some of them can say how they got these feelings back. Some will tell you that they still struggle with this every day. There are many, many stories out there. It helps me to know that I am not alone. If you do decide to look at this board, do be forewarned that there are a number of very bitter betrayed spouses that are looking to rip into a wayward spouse. Mostly though, the people on the board are only trying to offer support and help all through a most difficult time in their lives. They all have a common bond. You will see a lot of raw pain, and a lot of good thoughts and wisdom. The only thing there is not support for is a person who has absolutely no remorse and no consideration for the pain that they have caused. And, believe me, every one of the betrayed spouses who post know that they had at least a 50% share in bringing their marriage to a point where an affair could take place, they do not however, take any responsibility for the choice of the wayward spouse to actually have the affair. If you do decide you want to look at this board, and would like, I can give you an idea of some posts to look at.<p>
Now, about our son. I am scared to death about what is going to happen to him through all of this. He is already confused about our sleeping arrangements. I don&#8217;t know how to make this OK for him. He is such a beautiful, smart and happy boy. My greatest fear is that he is going to be damaged by the decisions we make. I know that you have been encouraged to separate your feelings about our son from the feelings about us, but I do not know how that is possible. I just can&#8217;t do it. We are responsible for him and I cannot make myself separate that from our marriage. The best thing for our son is to have two loving parents, that love each other, that can work through the bad and ugly parts of a marriage, and come out on top. The best example for life that we can give him is that you don&#8217;t give up when things get bad. That it&#8217;s when things get bad, and love is tested, that you stand up and say I am going to fight for this because it is the right thing to do. When, in 10 years or so, our son comes to me and asks me why we are divorced, I must be able to tell him that I did everything I could to keep his family intact. That I gave it my absolute 100% all. That I fought long and hard to keep us together. But that some things just were not meant to be. I do not feel at this point that I can honestly tell him that we did this. <p>All of that said Q, I cannot live with you like this. I cannot see you every day knowing that you do not want to be here. Knowing that your friendship with her and your social activities are more important to you than my feelings, I just can&#8217;t do it anymore. All that I have said here is an expression of my feelings right now, today. You absolutely must leave, as much as that will hurt me and will hurt our son. Right now, my emotional state is far too fragile, Our son can see that. That is why he thinks I am sick. If you stay, like this, too much longer, I am afraid that I will lose every last bit of love I have for you, so by your leaving now, I am protecting that last bit of love for you and holding on to it as a precious, cherished part of my life.<p>Q, I love you with all of my heart. My deepest wish and most fervent prayer is to recover our marriage. I know you do not feel the same way and for that reason you must go. If, the day comes, that you decide that we may just have a small fighting chance for this marriage, I will be here and will be overjoyed to talk to you about how to recover our marriage and what steps we are both willing to take to help each other do just that. <p>This, my beautiful, wonderful husband, is all I have left to say. I cannot have any more ugly nights. I cannot hurl cruelties at one another anymore. I do not want to, and I will do everything in my power to prevent it. Know that no matter what happens with us, no matter what road we each choose to travel down in this journey of life, whether together or separate, you will be in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. I will come to a point, I am getting closer every day, of wishing only the best and most wonderful things for you that life has to offer. I Love You, My Q, I Love You.<p>With All of MY LOVE,
Forever YOURS,
Needing.<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: needing ]</p>

BTW, this is not intended as a plan B letter. Nor a plan A letter, just my thoughts on where I am right now.

Bump

needing,<p>This is a very pwoerful and heartfelt letter. Your pain, yet your love for your H, comes through clearly.<p>Some clarification, please. I'm trying to think of what your H will ask you after he reads the letter. Is it your intent that your H start living somewhere else? Tonight? Tomorrow? If so, is it for an indefinite period of time? Do you want this to begin a legal separation? How will you two negotiate his eventual moving back?<p>Might this give him reason to justify living with OW? Are you going to be there as he reads it?<p>Personally, I see your point of view to be justifiable. You have to protect yourself and your son from the emotional toll WH's actions are taking. I'll be checking back to see how your H responds. Steel yourself for a rough emotional ride this evening, but you have to set the boundaries that are appropriate. <p>Wishing you well,
Estes

your letter just brought me to tears.<p>i wish my BS loved me like you do your WS.<p>God bless,
mercy

Estes,<p>Thank you for your response. We have basically come to a stalemate. Some very volatile and horrible things have happend this week and he has been saying since early Dec that he is leaving in Jan. I am now telling him that it is my choice for him to leave as well. That I can not live with the continued contact. I believe strongly, that he is thinking of filing for D. I want him to understand that this is not what I want, but I will accept and move on. It's my only choice. <p>When he moves out, he is gone from my life. We will always have contact due to son. If he decides he wants to work on our M, I will consider it, but, he has to be willing to do things to help me re-build my trust in him.
And vice versa.<p>I do not expect my H to say anything to me after he reads this. After the ugly things that have happend this week, I am kind of avoiding him. After getting our son to bed, I just go to whats now my room and watch tv, or read, whatever, just to avoid any more arguments.<p>Thanks again, I feel a little bit better about giving it to him now.<p>Needing

Mercy,<p>Yes, I do love him more than words can say. I simply can't live this way anymore. I know so many people have been through so much more than I. But, I guess I am one of those people who can only Plan A for a short amount of time. I don't know that I would ever be able to do a strict plan b, but I know I can't live with him without his respect and kindness. Two things that have been missing to much since d-day.

Dear Needing:
I had a long detailed reply then lost it. I am so angry at myself for not saving the post. Anyway I will try again. I, too, wrote long heartfelt letters during my H's A so I can relate.<p>
First three paragraphs were great.<p>Needing:
I know you are thinking that once again, I am only thinking about myself and not about your pain. That may be true right now. What I am trying to do here is explain my feelings and emotions at this time, to you, as clearly as I can. It is up to you to try and explain your feelings and emotions right now to me.

I can tell you that I understand that you feel hopeless, that you feel nothing can be saved, that you don&#8217;t have those &#8220;in-love feelings&#8221; for me. I know all of this and understand. I also understand that this is not uncommon. Most people who have an affair express the very same thought and feelings as you have stated. If you don&#8217;t believe me, go the Marriage Builders bulletin board. Take a look at the infidelity boards. They are filled with people just like us. Some are trying to recover their marriages; some are beyond hope and preparing to deal with divorce. Most are people in my shoes, trying to deal with the fact that their spouse had an affair, and now wishes for nothing but an end while the faithful spouse is trying to hang on and praying for recovery. There are also a number of spouses who actually had the affair and are now trying to deal with their feelings about it. Some are very sorry and want nothing more than to be forgiven and make their marriages work. Some are dealing with the loss of the other person, who they had very strong, in love, feelings for. Most talk about how they miss their &#8220;best friend&#8221;. They will all say that they had lost the &#8220;in love&#8221; feelings for their spouse. Some of them can say how they got these feelings back. Some will tell you that they still struggle with this every day. There are many, many stories out there. It helps me to know that I am not alone. If you do decide to look at this board, do be forewarned that there are a number of very bitter betrayed spouses that are looking to rip into a wayward spouse. Mostly though, the people on the board are only trying to offer support and help all through a most difficult time in their lives. They all have a common bond. You will see a lot of raw pain, and a lot of good thoughts and wisdom. The only thing there is not support for is a person who has absolutely no remorse and no consideration for the pain that they have caused. And, believe me, every one of the betrayed spouses who post know that they had at least a 50% share in bringing their marriage to a point where an affair could take place, they do not however, take any responsibility for the choice of the wayward spouse to actually have the affair. If you do decide you want to look at this board, and would like, I can give you an idea of some posts to look at.<p>
Now, about our son. I am scared to death about what is going to happen to him through all of this. He is already confused about our sleeping arrangements. I don&#8217;t know how to make this OK for him. He is such a beautiful, smart and happy boy. My greatest fear is that he is going to be damaged by the decisions we make. I know that you have been encouraged to separate your feelings about our son from the feelings about us, but I do not know how that is possible. I just can&#8217;t do it. We are responsible for him and I cannot make myself separate that from our marriage. The best thing for our son is to have two loving parents, that love each other, that can work through the bad and ugly parts of a marriage, and come out on top. The best example for life that we can give him is that you don&#8217;t give up when things get bad. That it&#8217;s when things get bad, and love is tested, that you stand up and say I am going to fight for this because it is the right thing to do. When, in 10 years or so, our son comes to me and asks me why we are divorced, I must be able to tell him that I did everything I could to keep his family intact. That I gave it my absolute 100% all. That I fought long and hard to keep us together. But that some things just were not meant to be. I do not feel at this point that I can honestly tell him that we did this. <p>NOMO: The above three paragraphs were not so great. You are telling him how he feels, that his affair is not anything special but is cheap and sordid. The fog is so deep they are not ready to hear what they have is not so special, and he would resent you for saying it even if both of you know its true. Bringing in your son sounds like you are trying to guilt trip him. He is not willing to hear of the damage done to his son, that you are the heroic one. Believe, I did the same thing to my H and it backfired.
__________________________________________________
Needing:
All of that said Q, I cannot live with you like this. I cannot see you every day knowing that you do not want to be here. Knowing that your friendship with her and your social activities are more important to you than my feelings, I just can&#8217;t do it anymore. All that I have said here is an expression of my feelings right now, today. You absolutely must leave, as much as that will hurt me and will hurt our son. Right now, my emotional state is far too fragile, Our son can see that. That is why he thinks I am sick. If you stay, like this, too much longer, I am afraid that I will lose every last bit of love I have for you, so by your leaving now, I am protecting that last bit of love for you and holding on to it as a precious, cherished part of my life.<p>Q, I love you with all of my heart. My deepest wish and most fervent prayer is to recover our marriage. I know you do not feel the same way and for that reason you must go. If, the day comes, that you decide that we may just have a small fighting chance for this marriage, I will be here and will be overjoyed to talk to you about how to recover our marriage and what steps we are both willing to take to help each other do just that. <p>This, my beautiful, wonderful husband, is all I have left to say. I cannot have any more ugly nights. I cannot hurl cruelties at one another anymore. I do not want to, and I will do everything in my power to prevent it. Know that no matter what happens with us, no matter what road we each choose to travel down in this journey of life, whether together or separate, you will be in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. I will come to a point, I am getting closer every day, of wishing only the best and most wonderful things for you that life has to offer. I Love You, My Q, I Love You.<p>With All of MY LOVE,
Forever YOURS,
Needing.<p>NOMO: The final three paragraphs are great. However, you did not define a time line. As Estes pointed out you need a time line. You said you are not going to Plan B but your letter sure sounds like it. If you give this to him without giving him a deadline, then your words become meaningless. Set your boundaries and don't back down.<p>Good Luck and God Bless.

NOMO<p>I am thinking about whay you said. He has already told me that the A was wrong. Insists to me all the time that the PA is over. (I believe an EA, in some form still exists). He has said to me over and over again that nobody thinks about the pain that he is going thru. I guess I was just trying to validate his pain. I know it is there, I know it is real. He has a very hard time seeing himself as common, or typical. His situation is always different from anyone elses. I guess I just want him to see that many, many others have gone thru this and have actually had the same feelings.<p>I give no timeline because I don't really think he has any intention of ever coming back. I guess instead of a Plan B letter, this is more of a goodbye letter.<p>I will think about your points some more. I have a hard time removing our son from this because he is going to be so directly affected. Let me think a bit.<p>By the way, thank you for the time and effort you put in to your response. I really am thinking about what you said.

Needing,<p>I know what you are saying about your son. I have three children the youngest has Muscular Dystrophy. All I could think about was what a divorce would do to them, especially to my youngest.<p>Your H is not worried because you are so worried about your son. Does this make sense? Michelle Davis at Divorce Busting said the more one spouse worries about something or someone, the less the other spouse worries.<p>That was exactly my situation. When I went to Plan B, I did not contact my H. He moved out and I avoided all phone calls. I came home from work after I knew he had left the house. My Kids were old enough to be left alone. When he had the kids over the weekend, he would come to the house. I disappeared. I would spend the weekend with friends. However, one week he called everyday asking me to go to lunch. I have caller Id at work and let everyone of his messages go to voice mail.<p>I finally conceded and went to lunch. I spoke about the weather, traffic, work etc. DId not discuss OR. He brought up the fact that he was worried about the children, how were they handling the separation. I said fine and moved on. He kept telling me he missed me, how he missed being home. I did not get sucked in, and kept the conversation light.<p>Please respect your boundaries. Let him worry about everything. Pretend, act whatever you have to do to show him you are strong. I fell apart every night in bed with tears and prayers to God. Let Go and let God Needing. He will help you. <p>Be sympathetic to his pain but do not buy into the fact that his hurt is worse than yours. You are both in pain and he needs to acknowledge his role in this. <p>NOMO

I think that maybe this is all my way of just saying that I have moved into the acceptance stage of greiving. I have been in denial since d-day. This last week was filled with anger. <p>Mon, I ran into H and OW "innocently" at grocery store together, they were then on their way to meet other co workers for drinks. Mon night I stayed calm, we had sex for the first time in 3 months.<p>Tue, day was quiet. That night H told me he is definatly leaving. Huge blow up by both of us.<p>Wed, already raw from prev to days, intercepted another e-mail from OW to H. Called him and told him I knew his password and had read all the e-mails. Called her and told her off royally. That night had the hugest blow up ever. Screamed, yelled and threw things.<p>Thur, quiet. Avoided H, was emotionally and physically spent.<p>Today, I am calm again. I accept that he is leaving. It is hard, but I feel pretty OK about it.<p>So I guess this is it. For the first time he is truelly free to leave and I am ready for him to go. I can't live like this anymore.