Not really new topic just wanted my pc to show when I had email. Yes I know you are right BUT heart doesn,t always do what head knows to be- if u see what I mean. Feeling more positive today- back to work Mon. Shall be glad to go. Did try to vol. for some voluntary work before C,Mas but didn't work out may have been given wrong ph.no. but I gave up too easily will try again. I have been looking for Xtra work but do not want to give up job I have and I also do quite a few extra hours not paid for+ trips etc. and don't want to earn too much so H can have more to spend on OW. Does that sound selfish? My DR, thinks also I have had to cope with enough at present and suggests I keep things as they are at least until house is sorted /sold etc. Havent spoken to H since I ph. in angry when my D was upset about a text he had sent. I had told H 4 tmes D had been in accident and he sent a brief text more like business memo. other than that we usually start off friendly then I get upset or cross. Did say he didn't want solicitors involved, and that he wants to help find me somewhere to live that I am happy with, but his sol. has reduced amount of money I was going to take from sale of house and queried my mthly allow. so now we are just waitng for paperwork to be sorted before I go back to my sol and she writes to his. My sol thinks I should go for a D but told her NO, but it makes sorting out pension rights tricky. Did send e/mail card just to say thinking of him and he replied that he would be thinking of me and kids as always this C,Mas. BUT** I got cross and said don't think too hard don't want to spoil your C,mas with New Family. You see I am not very good am I ?Really feel if I just get on and sound all bright and cheerful H will think great shes moved on. OW has him hooked and as shes given up her home to go to him then he will feel obligated before all this happened My H was the most honourable man. Thats why I cannot beleive what He has done to me and his kids. Perhaps its all too late. Be 1yr end of Feb. since OW moved in! and nothing has changed. He has never mentioned a D. Did ask long time ago if he wanted to marry her and he said had no plans to. Now what? Estes I work with 4-5yr olds older than that and they drive me potty usually. Naej. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 05, 2002: Message edited by: naej ]</p>

PS. Just wanted to say it is .16.00Hrs in UK think you are 5/6 hrs behind us is that right? We are in winter time now so are clocks went back 1 hr, to give us more daylight hours.

naej,
Depending on who you talk to ... I am at California (PST) I think it is 8 hours away from you. <p>I know it is hard on us (BS) while waiting for WS. They have the control not us. What we have to do is trying to get busy and at the same time try to getting our self improved.<p>One question, when on the phone, do you always LB'ed ?. Talking about A and angry to H ?. Told H that you love him but you didn't approve on what he is doing, then talk about everything else and never bring it up again unless H wants it. Follow the link on my signature about Quick Guide & Missapplication.

So true what you said about the heart having trouble doing what the head knows it should do. I know this is really hard for you.<p>How can H's solicitor alter the amount of money you receive from the sale of the house? Won't it be 50/50? I have zero knowledge of British law.<p>"...other than that we usually start off friendly then I get upset or cross." For good reason, but this natural reaction is the reason not to contact H at all except in emergency. When you feel like contacting him, come post something here or write it down in a journal. <p>Aside from the financial arrangements, it is up to you to determine how long you can live this way, in limbo. I really do think that one day your H will be horrified by what he has done. Have you read about Plan B? IMHO, if you continue to have contact with him, it is only a matter of time before you lose love for H since his behavior is so mean and disrespectful. Don't let your solicitor influence you about a D. H is not pushing for it; you are not ready. However, contacting him is hurting you, and getting angry just gives him an excuse to push you away.<p>Take care,
Estes

naej, please excuse the detour on your thread for a minute here.<p>Hello redhat,<p>I wanted to introduce myself since we haven't conversed directly. I have read many of your posts. You seem like a very caring man and a real cheerleader for MB. I respect the good that you do for others by sharing. I hope your WW comes to her senses and your M is healed. It's really hard to wait for WS isn't it? <p>Estes

Estes,
I read most of your post too, your S is lucky to have you. My mom flew 12,000 miles just because she had a bad intuition about me. She also helped me through in the crucial days. I owe a lot to MB, I try to help others that might have no one to turn too. I hope also my WW comes to her senses however my love for her is a deep as an ocean but not bottomless. Actually from third persons point of view, I have more excuse to have A than my WW !!!. Yes, it is hard to wait but we have MB forum and I get help from MB. There are some signs that Steve Harley (professional) could see and pointed out. I could not stress it more to get conseling when BS feels stuck in plan A.<p>Hope your S could hanging there and DIL could see the light.<p>Naej,<p>How are you doing ?. It will be Sunday morning soon in your time zone.

Sunday 8.00am- Yes Sunday morning,damp and dreary low mist across fields, but feeling better. I know what u say is 100%. Transferring dates and stuff from old diary to knew last night realizes how far I have come this past yr. A yr today since H came for lunch, actually brought me flowers, kissed and hugged saw son briefly- (Had asked H to come wanted to get him & kids tog. but they would not come,) 1 son saw him by accident but didn,t go well. Last time he saw Dad. Looking bk made so many mistakes at that luch he actually said we could make it a reg thing if I wanted!!!. How I wanted too But PROUD me said didn,t think it would be good idea.H told me OW not good cook guess thats why they eat out such a lot. Regarding House in beg. H said I could have most of proceeds from sale, now its 55% (H knows how much my home means to me- want a place big enuf to be able for all family to stay even tho only me +dog£& cat in it most of time. Sent text last night to wish H happy NY and hope hes well. Last one now determined! If H wants to know how things are going re House sale etc He can contact me.- Wory about his health as I said He has been ill such alot since he left, chest pains bad tummy etc, even trips to hosp, re heart. One Q am I plan A or B? Reading DB along with a dozen other books not really taking much in.Any stats on odds of couples parted for this long on returning and making a go of things? Should add H went to see mediator last yr and arranged for kids to go (H was paying ) but they all refused said we should go tog. when H gave up ow. H refused. Hope their are good signs for u 2. Wish I had a MIL who cared aeven a tiny bit. NaejPS It is Pension thats greatest asset. I have none, so my sol. is adv D becos it means I have claim now and its easier to start one for me personally if its a clean break.

Listen naej, life it too short to be proud. Call him and invite him for lunch, cook him his favorite food, no A talk or LB'ed, just "catching up" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Your H, a gentleman or not, still worrying about you and make sure you are taking care of, a very positive sign. It is not how long you have parted but the history behind your M and also what do you want to put in in the future determine it. Again there is no plan B w/o plan A. Do a perfect plan A. Learn not to LB'ed. He is probably sicken w/ this A and doesn't know how to get out of it. Do not give him any reason to end it. He probably tried a year ago today but afraid of your LB and come back to the same 'ol M. It is a hard work but you have no choice if you want to save your M.

Red Hat your reply has me TOTALLY CONFUSED ! thought I was having no contact. Desperately want to see H but ...Kids will be dead set against me asking H to lunch, afraid I will be hurt and go down again, they are the ones who have been thro the BAD Times (ie A&E)with me.Do I not tell them or try and explain why? Would have to tell them, sorry answering my own Qs, honesty is so important to me think thats what got me down with INLAWS they are more sweep it under the carpet people and if u don't mention it it will just go away type. Got quite excited when I read your post hope springs eternal, now later unsure should I trust my gut reaction and do it anyway or exercise caution. Couldn't make things worse I suppose. Frightened in away-sometimes it feels like we are strangers known him since he was 7yrs!!played tog.lived few doors apart, and yet the A has placed such a distant between us I sometimes wonder if I ever knew him. WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO? Know of any counsellors this side of Atlantic who support MB ideology? Should I suggest to H we go just so we can separate on better terms? Always one Q follows another never end, HOW WHY WHEN, IF ONLYS Thanks so much for your continued support means so much haven't caught up with your news any changes? love Naej [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

PS TO REDHAT. I really should leave my messages for a while I always think of another thing. Here goes what if: H wants to talk about kids - they do not wish him to know what they are doing?
What if: H wants to talk about house sale/maintenance etc.- isnt it going to be hard to just do a catch up talk?
How do I avoid LBing if "our" future crops up in conversation -don,t want to seem like I am agreeing to give up on marriage.
Do I tell him how I still feel but realize I cannot make him love me or want to come home so I am just getting on with my life.(Red Hat I can hear you screaming Stupid Woman)
I know I am such a pain forgive me- guess I really need a script. I did have a brain once-just a shame u didn't know me then. Whoever said life began at 50 must have had a memory like mine and can't remember yesterday.
Well I will leave all this in your capable hands and try and organize myself for work tomorrow.Had 2wks off + and I am never ready.Guess the less u have to do its easy to procrastinate.We have a saying in uk. if u want something doing ask a busy person-very true, just getting lazy in my old age. love Naej.x
Will await your pearls of wisdom (does flattery get me anywhere near forgiveness)

naej,
I am actually sugesting you making contact. You are not in plan B, never does plan A. Specially when I read some of your post that you parted w/ H with LB all over. About you kid, tell them why and you need to do this for yourself and one last try. MB will help you regardless the outcome. You need their support and they could still making no contact with H.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO? Know of any counsellors this side of Atlantic who support MB ideology? Should I suggest to H we go just so we can separate on better terms? Always one Q follows another never end, HOW WHY WHEN, IF ONLYS </strong><hr></blockquote>
Call the toll free # on the counsel link and ask for recomendation around your area. They will tell you when they want to see you both. I think the first couple sessions will be an individual session.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Thanks so much for your continued support means so much haven't caught up with your news any changes?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Your welcome. There is no changes on mine and I know from the start that I will be in it for a long haul. I just have to wait until A dies or I am running out of breath.

Just bumping up (do you call it that my first time on line has been on BB)<p>PS TO REDHAT. I really should leave my messages
for a while I always think of another thing. Here goes what if:^^^^naej

naej,
I should probably call Venusian Lady, Orchid !. She know how to talk fogese. In my past experience w/ my WW, you could say you don't want to talk about it but willing to meet H again to discuss it but for now "just catch up". [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . IMHO, about your kid relations, H could call them and they are both adult. You are honoring their wishes and avoid discussing it. Try to rehearsh talking vague. In plan A you are not suppose to "play" H's guilt.<p>Did you get to call MB and get reference for the local counsel ?. They could look at your situation better. We are here just to offer supports & opinions.<p>However make sure you are ready to make contact, make sure you are not getting hurt again. It will be revisiting 'roller coaster again and considering to get proffesional help & hand holding. Otherwise you could just stay in plan B and get busy. Try to moving on while waiting A to die. Did you read love must be tough by Dobson ?, it sets marriage boundry and stick with it.<p>Have a nice day

Hi Naej:<p>Ooooh my mb ears were burning. That RH, been talking about vensuians again!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I will attempt to address your questions. Understand that these are just my opinions. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by naej:
<strong>PS TO REDHAT. Here goes what if: <p>1. H wants to talk about kids - they do not wish him to know what they are doing?)</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
He is there parent. If the tables were turned, would you want to know? <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by naej:
<strong>
2. What if: H wants to talk about house sale/maintenance etc.- isnt it going to be hard to just do a catch up talk?)</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Let him. It is not A stuff (though A related), sometimes the WS talking it out helps them get a clearer picture of where they are headed. Of course this is if you can let him do this without too much LBing. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by naej:
<strong>
3. How do I avoid LBing if "our" future crops up in conversation -don,t want to seem like I am agreeing to give up on marriage.)</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
If the conversation is too heavy for you to handle and your feel your skin crawling. Then say, it's a bad time to discuss that topic now, can we either change it and reschedule to discuss it at a better time? <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by naej:
<strong>
4.Do I tell him how I still feel but realize I cannot make him love me or want to come home so I am just getting on with my life.)</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Try writing down your anticipated responses. It may not play out exactly how you think but at least you are semi prepared. Read up on some plan B letters they will give you an idea of how the BS can show their love and still retain their dignity and respect. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by naej:
<strong>
(Red Hat I can hear you screaming Stupid Woman)
I know I am such a pain forgive me- guess I really need a script. I did have a brain once-just a shame u didn't know me then. Whoever said life began at 50 must have had a memory like mine and can't remember yesterday.<p>Will await your pearls of wisdom (does flattery get me anywhere near forgiveness)</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
No Naej, you are not a 'stupid woman'. About your brain, trust me you show more reason here than the WS. Keep praying for a clear mind and a calm heart. Then step back and watch them trip all over themselves. <p>Take Care,
L.
ps: flattery may not get you forgiveness but when it comes your way, it may make you smile. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Dear Orchid and Red Hat, once again a million thanks. As I am so undecided at the moment I have done nothing other than send text wishing H Happy NY and tell him it is a yr since he came for lunch and saw son. Just got text back saying no need to remind him how long, he misses kids so much, and hopes I am well.x What to do ? Been very down since NY reading BB makes me realize so many of us BS are, time of year? Just read the link re letter to WS from WS on Red Hats profile? Wish I could send it to him, but maybe now is not the right time, as he is still in so deep with OW, or at least I think he is. Really have no way of knowing unless he tells me otherwise or I see OW return to village. I feel H will feel responsible for her now as she gave up her home to go and live with him, alth she did pass house onto her D. and supposedly took over D house But never moved in! Just paid a mths rent so it would be legit and then cancelled tenancy(she knows all the loopholes) but no way will she be able to get the sort of property she had before if she came back. Not my problem!! Sewer would be more than adequate for that rat. We are all going out for my D b'day next wkend SO wish H could be there too. How I miss him even after all this time apart,I know every one says it gets better, easier but when - feels like I've been crying forever. Has anyone heard from Pearl or did I miss her post? My thanks to TrueHeart for the letter sure many of us felt inspired by it. love naej.xx Tried C/centre no contacts UK too expensive fo me to phone States.<p>[ January 08, 2002: Message edited by: naej ]</p>

Hi naej,<p>Good to hear from you. So your H says he misses the kids. Well that is good to hear. Now that he has said this to you he hears himself saying it too!!. If there is any truth in his response, it will reverberate in his ears. Let it keep ringing in his ears. <p>Ok. You get to work on bettering and benefiting yourself. There have been cases where the WS comes back after a long time away. <p>Do you have ICQ? Some of us chat via that mode sometimes. You learn to type faster that way. LOL!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In fact right now I am chatting with Faith1.
If you get ICQ we should be able to chat for free. Let me know and I'll send you my ICQ #. My H is a bit jealous when I get on MB so I have to keep it down a bit. <p>Take Care,
L.

bump ... any update naej ?.

Hello, no real news bad or otherwise, had to phone H today as estate agent wants to know when he can put my house on market, got an appoint with solicitor 2mrw as details she wanted finally come thro. Its my D b1day 2day and shes been in tears on ph, as nothing from her Dad for the 2nd time, said she will send a text to him this eve if she has heard nothing (will not b freindly either) SHE IS HEARTBROKEN STILL. Couldn't get thro to H on mobile not picking up textx so rang his house ph, 2 rings then I put it down will not let it ring incase the W** picks up--anyway H ph back He has been off work again sick again!Living with OW is seriously damaaging his health, anyway gave message, spoke about solicitors said about house, he reiterated it will not go up for sale until I have found a place I am happy with, asked him to come to lunch but he sidetracked issue and said should he contact agents and get more details /explained financial position over sale ect but did not agree to come for lunch.OW could have been in room. So now I am 1/2 up and 1/2 down forever in limbo land. So hard to hear grown up D breaking her heart to u down a ph, when she is so far away, she was home for wk/end + my sons and we all went for a meal - Dad. Hope someone on this board has better luck than me. Be so nice to hear a H has returned after 1 1/2 yrs away with OW.and that they are making a marriage work. Will be our pearl wed ann, this June. Pearls for tears so they say. A dream come true if they are wrong. Bye for now going out for supper. Keep us all in your prayers PLEASE. Naej

Naej,
How are you doing ?, Any new news ?. I am busy myself trying to be productive worker and also I am aiming for promotion.<p>How is the contact going ? is he willing to have lunch ?.

hi red hat, my pc has been away being repaired- was doing ok-ish with myself up til last week then I went down big time don't know why couldn't find a reason but ended with me getting drunk alone and just kept phoning, crying, shouting etc think the worst and u have got the sit.Finally he left ph. off.So I texted mobile. Next day H phones to check I am ok, tells me he is willing to come see me help me sort out house I tell him just sell I don't care, now H says not selling til I have somewhere I am happy with. Also tells me hes been ill seen a Pychiatrist but that He is happy.? Loves kids but will not be blackmailed (ref to fact kids will have nothing to do with him til OW out of H life)(they r still living tog. be 1yr end of Feb). I asked him to take me away for a few days surely he can spare me that if he has rest of his life to b happy.H says he doesn't think thats a good idea what do the kids say about it. I reply they don't know, says he will phone reg to check I am ok and will come over to help me house hunt. I KNOW I BLEW IT BIG TIME-- but I just got so lonely for him been so long and I am so much happier when we talk, but it does not change the fact H says he is happy with OW, but not talkin D, Never has. Just feel I am slipping back to where I was a yr ago, a big black hole is swallowing me up and I just can't see any way out or new life depressed,tears not eating etc, all things I fought long and hard to overcome and I have gone so far back in such a few wks. Do some people like me never move on past the pain, I just can't bare H to say OW name and can't go in his car becos OW sits in my place Do u give up on me? Sorry for update/ tale of woe. Feel better now I got pc back.naej. x