suann
Junior Member
Member # 15571
posted January 05, 2002 10:09 AM
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THis is my first time on the forum. I found out about WS's A on 9-9. Ironic isn't it? He said it was over but I found out on 10-19 that he was still involved with his internet lover and they had met once for a one-night stand. He had fallen "in love" with her and she helped him thru his days at work. I have stayed beside him, trying to work this out. We have had many hours of discussion of why this happened: lack of communication between us the major factor after 28 years of marriage. I wish we would have found this web site alot sooner than 3 days ago. He continued to try to cut it off with her but the pull has always been too strong and he tries to justify why to himself and to me. I have wanted him to move out a couple times in Dec but it scared him that he was able to come back and say "the right things to me" to make me believe we could save our marriage. I have lost 30 pounds in the process. I continue to have a nervous stomach because within a few days of agreeing to have him stay, he lets me know again that he can't make up his mind of "marriage or no marriage." At this point, it is not so much the OW; but what he wants to do with his life.
After reading lots of the forums yesterday, I ask myself "Why are we fighting the battle of trying to make the marriage work? We only have so many days on earth and why do I want to live day by day, hour by hour, worrying over how to make the marriage go. WHY IS MARRIAGE SO IMPORTANT? It is making me a nervous wreck, I can't do my job; I worry that I can't communicate to my H like he wants me to, I don't have time to myself because I think H needs me to listen to me. I am ready to move on with the divorce. LIke one forum person said "Divorce is not death. You do move on." I guess I am ready to. Thanks for any replies

suann --<p>You're hurting a lot and I can feel it some of what you're going through. This BB is a wonderful place to be. There are many warm and wise people here who are ready and willing to share something of themselves and their stories to help you. Welcome to MB as a first-time poster.<p>Twenty-eight years of marriage is a long time and a solid investment, seems to me worth working with and fixing. I hear your discouragement and your uncertainty about the necessity for continued work and involvement in your relationship. It's very normal to reach a point of hopelessness and despair. It's also normal for the WS to be unsure about any movement to stay or go. You're right: it's less about the OW than it is about his deciding what he wants to do with his life and your marriage; that's probably where it hurts the most for you right now.<p>My situation is similar and my WW says most of the same things you're hearing from your H. After reading so many posts on this and other BBs, I firmly believe that there's a central script somewhere which tells all the WSs what to do and what to say (LOL but not much). It's a far-too-common scenario but, since we're living through it and not watching it on TV, we've got to try to figure things out and learn how to cope and survive. <p>I wouldn't move ahead with any D too soon. Your D-Day was on September 9 so you're barely into this for four months. As these things seem to go, that's an awfully short period of time. Are issues clear yet for him? No! Are they really clear at this point for you? I doubt it! As hard as this is on you(weight loss, nervous stomach, trouble doing your job, etc.), things are still in the very early stages of shock and grief for you--never a good time for life-altering decisions. <p>I'd say to hang in there some more. Don't be too quick to move ahead when a lot of the questions and issues haven't been clarified yet. We never have enough information to make all of the really important decisions in our lives, but you can help yourself the most now by biding your time--as hard as that is (and we all know it's hard).<p>Post again soon and let us know how you're doing. We're thinking about you...<p>Ammon

THanks for your response and your words do help. The problem is my H wants to talk all the time; try to rationalize everything; take his issues and make them my fault. I do not need all the communications-I am being smothered by it. I need my space and if I don't meet his needs, he mopes around and is difficult to be around. He hasn't done hardly thing to meet me halfway and commit to us.<p>THanks

suann --<p>I hear you about over-communication. If it's mostly about rationalizations and transferring blame, then who needs it? Something I read about twenty years ago: "It's important to run out of excuses." <p>Of course you need your space; we all do in varying degrees. It sounds like the talking between you two is very frustrating and unproductive. <p>He's not ready to "commit to us" yet; he's still caught up in the A, at least emotionally. In other words, the "fog" has rolled in. Can you come to some agreement on what needs each of you can safely and comfortably meet? Maybe some type of trade-off? Sounds simplistic, I know, but maybe a place to start to resolve things. <p>As long as the fog lingers, it will be very hard work for you to get anything positive and solid from him about your relationship. Until the fog lifts, he's not going to be able to give you much in the way of "meeting you halfway." It just ain't gonna happen earlier. <p>What you have to do is to work on yourself and try to continue to be loving and supportive to him. I don't think it's possible to rush this process so time and patience are the keys for you. All you can do is to hope that he comes out of the fog before you've lost patience and love. I know you're unsteady with this--we all are with whatever our situation is--but, again, no major, life-altering decisions while our vision is clouded. We need perspective and clarity, not immediate action or movement--this is the absolute worst time to "decide" anything.<p>Post again and please keep in touch with us.<p>Ammon