It has been just over 3 weeks since D-day. We have been getting along fine. Realizing we both have some stuff to work on. She has been insisting on having as much space as possible while we still live together during all of this. I have been in plan A, trying to explain to her that my new found attention is not to win her back but that I was working on my shortcomings and was trying to become a better person. I have avoided the questions regarding OM, and the A. Now I am wondering if it would be healthy for both of us to know just were we stand, get it all on the table no matter how much it hurts. I know I am risking a LB but I want to know and I think it might help for her to get it all out also. She might turn around and tell me its none of my business, I dont know. Any advice on how to go about this without LB, or for that matter should I bring it up at all at this point.?<p>JB

JB,<p> You are in a tough spot with this one. I had to know all the gory details. Problem was that wife did not want to tell. It was like her very own secret that belonged to her and I could not touch. Nor did she want me to try, LB or not. She wanted to give NO details.<p> She did eventually tell me some things that I needed to know. But they hurt like hell to hear. And it was extremely difficult to get the visions the information created out of my head enough that I could function. The visions of that knowledge haunts me 10 months post d-day. <p> However, I finally realized that needing more and more information was doing nothing short of ruining all my Plan A efforts. Needing to know and having to drag any scrap of information out of her did nothing but keep our chances of recovery far from us. <p> There was a window of opportunity where I know had I done things right we would have recovered long ago. Even with 2 affairs coming to light, within months of each other. But my need to know details and feeling I had that right probably has been the catalyst for her to remain a WS at least up to a point(EAs).<p> My advice is to broach the subject very carefully. And be prepared to get nothing. This can be and likely will be a huge LBer for her, especially if you push when and if she balks at telling you. <p> The best thing you can do for the recovery of your marriage is to drop it and never bring it up again, if she doesn't want to tell. If you are anything like me that will be almost impossible to do. Trust me when I say that you must realize this quickly and let it go. You have a right to know everything, but it probably is not worth knowing in the grand scheme of recovery.<p> BTW, welcome to MB. Read and post often. If you can, get control of your emotions now. With or without meds.<p> jd<p>PS. I also found that the more she let me know the more I wanted to know. It was a vicious circle.<p>[ January 05, 2002: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

That was a great response. As I sit on the fence on this issue I think that you are right. Except to know just how deep she is into the OM I dont know how much it would help. She did say that she loves him and she hasn't told me she is going to quit seeing him. I guess that is pretty deep. I am staying up tonite, I am on pg 62 of "Surviving an Affair" trying to understand what is going through her head. My biggest concern is like you said, I dont want to do something that will set our recovery back any farther than it already is. Thanks for the insight.<p>Jeff

I had to know everything too. Part of it was so I could trust her again. If she could tell me the worst things that she did, it would build a kinda trust between us. If you don't want the details, or just want to let them slide, it might bring you to a point where that is all you think about.. imagine being somewhere that they were together.. I personally would want to know. She now knows to tell me anything new that she can think of.<p>It is ultimatly your decision, maybe ask what she didn't like about the om first to see if that helps.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by jdmac1:
<strong>PS. I also found that the more she let me know the more I wanted to know. It was a vicious circle.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>That's got to be the worst part of the 'need to know' phase most of us BS's go through. It took MONTHS before I didn't have "just one more question" (about 5 to 10 questions in a row!!) [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jeff,<p>JDMac has summed it up for you, and there isn't much that anyone else can advise you on. I will second his reply on how difficult it is to get the mental pictures out of your head. <p>My H had both EA's and PA's, and I only know for certain what ONE of the OW looked like (the one who had been my friend for over 2 yrs prior to their A). I have already told my H that should we be out (at a mall for example), and he sees any of the other women, to yes, let me know, but under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is he to show her to me!! I downright REFUSE to go through that mental torture again (and it's addictive too... someone on here once suggested to me that it was like mental masturbation). <p>Whatever your questions are, PLEASE be careful of what you ask for. Consider ALL possible answers ahead of time (if you find yourself wanting those gory details), to prepare yourself as best you can.<p>As strange as it may seem to you right now (because you a so close to d-day), the information regarding the actual A is irrelevant (for the most part). The only info that you may find helpful are the general things OM does that makes your W happy. What EN's does he fulfil that you haven't? If she is unable to tell you what it is she needs (by filling out the EN questionnaires for example), then work on reading between the lines of what she does tell you. It's absolutely amazing how many 'little things' she's probably already said to you over time that you shook off, but that were REALLY important to her (goodness knows I did that far too much with my H [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>Good luck to you!<p>Karen

My counselor told me that the punishment one pays for having an affair is to have to answer the BS’s questions over and over until the BS is finally satisfied. The WS also has to listen to the BS express their anger over and over until there is no more anger left.<p>That is how we handled our recovery. To encourage my H to talk, I had to teach him that I could be trusted with this information that made him very vulnerable. I told him that I would never use it to hurt him. Then I had to live up to that. We both agreed to not love bust. We set aside a block of time each day to talk about the affairs and things related.<p>We went through this for 3.5 months. Then one day like a light switch was clicked I had no more questions and was no longer angry. I do still have an occasional question. I ask it, he answers it, and we discuss it. And move on to the next topic.<p>I do have to tell you that I gave my h no choice. If he wanted to stay married he as going to deal with this all openly. It’s just me. I had to talk about it. What I have noticed here on MB and elsewhere, is that the couples who can talk about the affair, can get all the questions answered, cry together etc, are the ones who are more likely to make it. I think this is because it is a very strong device to bring back the intimacy of the couple.<p>Another thing… I strongly advise you to not ask too many questions about intimate details… how often, when, where, positions, etc. This will only put a video in your mind that will be very very hard to get rid of. I found that any detail like that made me crazy.. I could not handle it. Instead I stuck to who, how long, where met, nature of relationship, why he thought he’d done this. Those are things that helped us find the answers we needed. Intimate details only caused too much pain.

I have read that an a has a view into the marriage which is like a one way mirror.The reverse is not true of the marriage into the a.
The desire to know the detail is like piecing together a jgsaw puzzle. We will never have all the pieces but it is vital to have enough information to know what it is we are trying to forgive and forget

I appreciate all the responses. In the book "Surviving an Affair" Dr.Harley says that you can survive an affair but you have to follow a very narrow path. Knowing what the path is is the hard part. I am considering the counseling sessions because I think it is important for me to have a coach through this to help me define the path. Until I do I am relying on this website and the experiences that come from it. Originally I thought I had a need to know all the details but now I am convinced I dont. What I need is information so that I can further define my path. So I will ask my WS the general questions of how long, where, when, why, and nature of relationship and leave it at that. I thank all who responded for the help.<p>Jeff

Jeff, <p>Another point about asking. The only importance the affair has to your marriage is what it means about your marriage and both spouses. There is a reason, such as unmet needs, that your wife had her affair. That is what you need to find out so that you can both fix the problem.<p>In my marriage I also found out that part of the problem is that my H and I had gotten together too soon after his divorce. He was the BS, she left for her OM. He was still on the adultery roller coaster and hid it very well from me. This was not a malicious act. It was just a person trying to deal with what you are aware is terrible pain. So he was acting out all over the place. And he compartmentalized this acting out. With me he was himself. In the other ‘compartment’ of his life he was acting out his pain and was getting all sorts of strokes from other women for being their night in shinning armour. It was rebuilding his ego after it being trashed by his ex. Digging deeply enough to find this out is one of the keys to making it possible for us to recover our marriage. I am sure that this specific issue does not exist in your marriage and with your wife. But there is something… focus on that.