Waffling, is it good or bad... I guess good, and I just have to keep being nice. RIGHT?

I guess it is good but it sures does not feel good. My WS has been waffling throughout A and still is waffling. Can't make a decision. I often have begged him to make a decision and that way I could work on whatever way things went. Waffling is probably the most painful for all involved but I guess it means that we still have a chance (if we want it). Love entangles...I guess that is why God says to not commit adultery. It is much easier to work on what ya got and love the one you are with....then this.<p>I wonder how long the longest waffle is?<p>TW

Yes, TS, I understand... the pain is immense- my H continues to say We just don't get along... and due to my anger during our seperation and my acting out... he keeps saying you are violent, you are violent... not true... I lost it on occasion, but that does not make me this sort of person, period. I am so tired of being blamed, he just acts like I am the worst... when for so many years, I was always the best and he loved me sooo much... I just do not get it.<p>THanks for the insight. HONEY

Honey, when he says you are violent, then don't argue with him about whether you are or aren't. Document everything you can, and behave as if there is a tape recorder present at all times, okay? You'll be okay - you sound a little bit down after a strong week. <p>Hugs to Honey
TNT

tossedwave <p>I think that I might come close to having the longest waffle. My ex-h did it for atleast 7 years.<p>I am confinced that the one's who waffle for more then a week or two will do it until someone pushes them off the fence (Plan B).

Well- my H says exactly that.. he wants to be totally apart and he wants to know exactly what he is suppossed to be responsible for , etc... it jsut seems crzy... and I do think if I sd... Ok then, I guess we will just stay aprt now... he would turn around... it is so hard... I really want to show him I love him and build the relationship a bit before turning it around, but perhaps I should go ahead with my filing for the D, this could be a good turn in the road... ??? <p>Advise, the filing would make me more secure financially, and calm my fears about the kids... and make me safer... but may push him away and give him a dose of reality... why come home, when he can see his wife, live seperately, and do what he wants?<p>HONEY

I have been reading a lot of your posts and am worried about you and your situation at times...<p>Your posts carry wide gammits of fluctuating emotions...(hence the roller-coaster ride) but also some external factors that would cause a lot of stress even in a "good" marriage at this time.<p>You make reference to WH drinking at times even calling him an alcoholic...and you refererence him coming into quite a bit of money as of late.<p>I think you need to take some concrete steps to protect yourself as well as get some better control over the situation.<p>I agree with buying him a new rug..and I also suggest distancing yourself from that incident..you can't change it and your best defense in this situation is time and no more "acting out". At this point any verbal escalation no matter how "justified" will only re-inforce his fuel against you and the fact you are capable of being out of control enough to rip up a rug...I think I may even be correct in stating he called the police. You can't change the past but if I were you I would work dam hard to prove it was a temporary loss of emotions and not something that can happen again...he is going to use any show of anger or distaste against you right now. You need to protect yourself.<p>Money can make people nuts...and I would not trust him at this point in the game...<p>If I were you I would focus all my energy on your kids and your home. I think you should plan A your life with-out him there...but let him be welcome in your home any time he wants... I think that you should STOP calling him...I think you should stop going to dinner out with him..have him over if he wants for a normal family dinner at home...protect yourself...back away from him...he has to much power right now.<p>I don't think he is capable of honesty with the money and the drinking...He is attempting to hold to many things over your head and does not appear to show any sincerity in really working productively with you...<p>I am suggesting Plan A for you and you alone...and if he joins you in your plan A on your terms and life...then cool.<p>I think you should get things together at home for a month ...then I think you should join A-lanon ...<p>Don't beleive him...don't LB...don't play into his games...protect protect protect...
I know you love him but to be honest reading your posts at times I think why do you want a loser like him...I don't mean that disrepectfully...and am NOT advocating giving up on your marriage...I just think that if he came back now as is...it would not be a good thing for you...even though it may be heart breaking for you since that is what you desire...<p>I wish you much peace
ARK

Honey,<p>ARK gave you some very good input. Please listen.<p>The point of protect, protect, protect and Plan A, Plan A, Plan A is absolutely what people are telling you. Both are possible.<p>When you file, give him a plan A letter. Let him know exactly what you are thinking. At first he may get angry. But if you also Plan A him, he will see over time that you are not attacking him, only protecting yourself and the kids. He will not like that of course. But you need to set boundaries and keep them. Filing is a very affective way to do that.

Honey ~<p>This is going to hurt ~ but hun, he's being sweet and showing signs of "waffling" because he knows how to keep you strung along. He's got 50k in his pocket (so he says) and he doesn't want you to put a damper on his freedom.<p>Alcoholics have an uncanny sixth sense about when they have stepped over the "line" with someone. He knows he crossed the "line" with you because you hired a lawyer and are planning to file. Oooops! He doesn't want consequences...he wants the freedom to do as he wishes. And if you file, you'll put a cramp on his style. So the way I see it, he is doing whatever it takes to get you back into a position where he has the power.<p>From what you describe, I don't see or hear a man who is truely waffling - I see a man who is making sure he keeps you unsure and powerless so that he maintains "control" and isn't hampered in doing what he wants.<p>Honey ~ I divorced and plan A'd at the same time and my marriage was recovered. It can be done. I made it clear that I was protecting myself and my children, and I didn't file unnecessary stuff like restraining orders or other things that would have just fueled the flames.<p>File, and get everything you need for your kids well-being nailed down.

OK, thanks for the input... I guess I will file...? Yes, NO, still waffling on that. I am tired of who he is NOW, but scared the filing will push him further away... which is just how he has always been... anything I do that pushes him away... adds fuel to the fire...anytime I do anything he does not like... this is reason to hate me, etc etc<p>I do not feel like having things get crazier. I do not even really care about the money... I guess he will spend it all and then change back to himself... it is sad, but true. It will also be gone a lot quicker than he thinks... well, this is why I want to file... when he runs out of money... he will still be legally required to give me money, which might keep him busy and working instead of vacationing, as he has been mentioning--<p>YOu guys are right... why would I want this? I do not want this, I want him the way he used to be... which has been a while... now... but even before he met the latest predator things were not all that bad. Maybe I am losing it- my actions say that I am... my outbursts... and suprisingly I felt really calm and good about filing, until he expressed how angry he will be...<p>But, it is better to have things outlined for now, I know that it is... than just let him wander and do whatever he damn well pleases to me and the kids... He has still been giving 25% of income, which is child support, but the law says he is entitled to give me more until I establish myself in a better position, so I guess I am on with it... <p>Boy, am I confused... I just do not want to push him over the edge... but he already is... maybe this will bring back a dose of reality.<p>Bramble Rose, DId your H get mad when you filed, and how did it turn around, did it scare him... (I am not doing this to scare him, but to protect us... but I am scared of what it will do to him and his attempts to reconcile).<p>HONEY

ok, I guess my thought is that you have the wrong focus right now.<p>You are still trying to decide what to do based on your guess of what the outcome will be. In other words, you are trying to control a situation that you have no control over.<p>No one here can tell you what you should do. No one here has discovered a "magic formula" that will restore a marriage. If anyone had...there'd be no one on these boards.<p>Your H doesn't want you to file because he's comfortable where he is at. <p>Will it push him away - or will it wake him up?<p>Who knows? <p>Does it matter? No, not really. Honey, you have to realize that these decisions have to be based on what is right for YOU. It doesn't matter what your H wants or needs or how he will react. As long as you are doing things based on a specific desired outcome, you will continue in the roller coaster ride, and nothing will get better.<p>What you are doing right now is trying to determine how your H will react before you file.<p>If you knew for sure that the result will be that he gets angry and distances himself - would you file? Why not? If you wouldn't file knowing it would end your marriage for sure...then are things as serious as you describe them?<p>As long as you are reacting instead of acting, you will continue to be dragged along on the sick merry go round of alcoholism and denial.<p>Personally, I think you should file, get temp orders for support and custody, and then let things go at as slow a pace as possible while attempting to plan A.<p>But can you do that?<p>You haven't plan A'd - so Plan B is out.<p>Obviously, you can choose to plan A this, if you think that your H and your FIL will not hurt you and the kids...<p>But I doubt it from what you are saying.<p>And don't count on the OW being gone. Unless your H has written a nocontact letter and is asking what he can do to rebuild trust...I'd say the A has just taken a dip, and it will return in full force shortly.<p>When I filed the first time, my H said nothing. He found out on our 10th wedding anniversary that I had hired a lawyer, because he was digging in my purse for my medical card, trying to register me into the hospital. <p>A couple days after that, we agreed to do nothing about the divorce because of my physical complications with my pregnancy. Then he asked me to put it on hold again, after the baby, to see if we could reconcile. That failed, and I filed again. He was angry, and sad, and resigned. And he went back to his OW.<p>Then I plan A'd, didn't discuss any divorce stuff with him unless it was totally necessary. And then he changed his mind at the last second and decided he would do what it took to stay married.<p>The difference btwn you and I in those situations was that I filed for ME. The first time, I didn't want to file, I wanted my marriage, but I needed legal protection. (there is no legal separation in NJ either). The second time, I was totally finished with my marriage. I didn't want to be married to him, AS HE WAS. And so I was at peace when I made my choice.<p>Neither time did I file to 'wake him up' or to get his attention, or not file based on fear of his reaction. I just did what had to be done. <p>yeah your H may use this as yet another reason to be angry at you. But does that make it true or reasonable? <p>No, your filing is a direct consequence of HIS choices. Oh well, let him be mad. Just make sure that YOU are clear where the responsibility lies. He is responsible for his choices, and those consequences. You are only responsible for yours...and your children. So take care of you, take care of them, and leave your H's problems squarely where they belong: in his lap.

I can't file. I have decided... it was not my H's threat, but fil's...on taking kids, he will not do this, I know it... so I am calming down, and I am not going to file... and my H says he is almost out of money... so what is the use... he is giving me money ,and it is enough to survive... no reason to make this worse than it has to be...He is willing to give me more money... I feel he will come home... I think this has just been a big bad war with an OW. I love him, and I want things back the way they were... I have to treat him well, and show him things can be good, plan a... I KNOW him... and I know he will not do anything to hurt me... so I will just plan a... THanks, again, HONEY

I can't file. I have decided... it was not my H's threat, but fil's...on taking kids, he will not do this, I know it... so I am calming down, and I am not going to file... and my H says he is almost out of money... so what is the use... he is giving me money ,and it is enough to survive... no reason to make this worse than it has to be...He is willing to give me more money... I feel he will come home... I think this has just been a big bad war with an OW. I love him, and I want things back the way they were... I have to treat him well, and show him things can be good, plan a... I KNOW him... and I know he will not do anything to hurt me... so I will just plan a... THanks, again, HONEY

I found out that Ow is still calling my H, he says they mutually decided that it was over, and he has resolution to this whole mess... I love him and want him home... but he does not know, that I know she is still calling him... I do not know what it is all about... he says it is over, since friday... not long, and I know she will probably come back for more being the husband banging you know what that she is... i am so sick over this "woman" trying to come between me and my husband... he adamantly refuses that she is a part of the problem... and continues to say that what is wrong is just between us... not at all about her, and that he can compartmentalize it all. UGGH> How does it ever end... I guess by letting him see I am the better catch, obviously?<p>Thanks, HONEY

Honey, I doubt it's over.<p>But anyway, its your choice to not file. Very well, you've made your decision. Now, realize that you are no longer a victim in this situation.<p>But also realize that you "want" everything to go back to the way it was. So just remember...if nothing changes...NOTHING changes.<p>Your H will continue to lie, continue to drink, and continue to cheat. <p>See if you can bring the focus back to changing yourself. If YOU change, then it can't go back to the old way....because you'll be different. Does that mean your H will change too? Maybe not. But things will not continue to be the same...<p>But on the other hand...if you really "want" the old relationship and status quo...go right ahead. Fortunately, you have the right to make your own choices for your own life!

Still don't know what to do, but really do not think there is alot of good that can come from filing, well, maybe I will... I don't know, It just breaks my heart when I think of our wedding day...<p>I know that is crazy thinking about what has been going on here... I really just can't handle his anger anymore.... I need him to be on my side, and I really think that some things are changing...<p>He did the EN q and the LB q and so did I, we are both in IC, and he has agreed to do more joint counseling, we have only done 2 sessions...<p>He had car trouble sat... and may have called ow for that reason, but I do not really know why he called- I know she called very late at night to see if he was OK.<p>well... I just found out more... she wants to leave her h now and move in with him... but I just got back from over at his house..and now he says he will have to tell her he saw me., . good right? I know right now is the worst possible time to file d papers, as I know he will definitely get very angry...not in the policy of joint agreement...He is just so confused, I feel for the poor man , really.<p>It is crazy crzy, he claims she got pg, and got an abortion, so I know that has to be part of the situation... she is desperate for my H, and that is part of the problem... he is entralled by her... but mentions quite a few bad things about her too, she does bug him... and he mentions he prefers me... I think for a while... I just have to play this game and really show him how things can be... because like it or not, I think I did drive him away... and it was mostly me not wanting to put up with his stuff, and drinking behavior... but then I would major LB, he is holding all my big LB's against me...mostly angry outbursts... he on the other hand, has the alcoholism, multiple cheating, and irresponsbility factors. Yea, I know, why do I want him? Love is a funny thing, and I know we belong together... we married young and have never known how to disagree... we have fought like a couple of 3 yr. olds... and that has been a real downfall to our relationship... I have not been meeting his needs, nor he mine for quite awhile... it is sad... we really love each other... it is sad that simple arguements and disagreements, and grudges, and not enough forgiveness can drive you away... and just when the chips are down.. in comes a sleezy woman wanting to take your H.<p>I really hate it, I am going to do everything in my power to turn it around... I started a lot of this, by calling the police on him when he was drinking (alanon suggestion) I do like the program, alanon, but I used to be in a group that really went overboard on some rules in my life... and damaged my relationship with my h... I do like the let go and let god idea...<p>And I am really going on a praying mission this week. Please pray that my H will have the strength to turn awsay from this woman and gain the desire to work to heal our marriage again.<p>HONEY