I seem to be able to function and enjoy life now better than I ever thought possible. BUT I struggle most with being alone. The weekends are the hardest cause I have more alone time. Since my children are grown and WS is gone, the house is so empty. I do not want to rely on others to keep me from aloneness so I was wondering what others' thoughts were on aloneness and suggestions on how to overcome the feeling. What causes this feeling? <p>I have never lived alone. I do not like it but I know some people are very comfortable with it. I wonder how long after separation does it take to not feel the emptiness and get comfortable with the quietness all around?<p>What are your thoughts on being alone and doing things alone?<p>TW

Personally, I never did get over it. I desperately looked to fill the gap and was dating someone a month after my H left. In one year I lost my H and my sons so it was quite a shock to be suddenly alone for the first time in my life. I got engaged the week my divorce was final and married 4 months later. Sorry I can't be of much help.

Hello TW,<p>I am not BS; my son is. But having been M 30+ years myself, I can emapthize with how lonely you must feel. I would expect it to take many months to adjust.<p>Are you employed outside the home so that weekdays are full? Do you have a church family?<p>I have found that when I am at loose ends and at a loss of what to do to take my mind off things (such as my son's sadness and the loss of my extended family), it helps to reach out and find others to help. Soup kitchens, retirement homes, hospital wards, SPCA, church and civic organizations all need helping hands. Volunteer activities are also a good way to meet new people. Join a special-interest group (garden club, book club, etc.). Take classes (community college, craft). Redecorate or paint a room or dig a new flowerbed. If you are an animal person, get a new puppy and train him. A parrot is a great interactive companion (I have several, and with a parrot you are never alone). <p>Your loneliness and pain will not diminish quickly. You ask what causes the feeling. Dear tossedwave, you have suffered an agonizing loss; your life has been reordered; a lifelong relationship has been cruely severed. You are grieving. Tell yourself it is OK to feel the way you do. You have to feel it to get past it. Just don't let the feeling paralyze you. Don't stay home too much without something active to do. Make yourself get out (even if seeing families together makes you sad - also a predictable, perfectly natural reaction). <p>Don't pressure youself to "get over it" too soon. Give yourself time to adjust. Don't spend too much time at home by yourself. Go out there and find somebody else to help.<p>I am so sorry for you situation. I know something of what you are feeling. Without any hint of a serious problem, my DIL secretly filed for D (still pending), took my 3 year-old grandson and moved to another state to be with OM, leaving my bewildered S alone, devastated, in a big empty house without his child. He is gradually learning to cope but not without many tears. He is getting stronger, and he will be OK. You will too. Give yourself permission to grieve and time for your spirit to heal.<p>Best wishes,
Estes<p>[ January 06, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

tossedwave,<p>I've lived alone quite a bit.. From ages 18..22, 26..35 adn then from 47... 51. So I'll take a shot at this. You need to find things you love to do by yourself and then fill some time with other people. Getting busy and some prior planning is what I found works the best. I love being by myself as much as I love having people around. If you are busy, you will not have time to feel lonely.. and one day you will realize that you are no longer lonely. Instead you will have grown to love being able to do what you want, when you want. It becomes hard to give up.<p>So I’ve listed some things here that might be of help.<p>Pamper yourself. ----At least once a week put on music you love, take a long hot bath. Give yourself a manicure and a pedicure too. I LOVE baths, so I’ll keep the water hot and sit there forever soaking, reading or listening to music.<p>----If you can afford it, so to a spa and get the entire treatment. You will love it. If not, then get massage, body sugaring, or something like that. You will feel like a million bucks afterwards.<p>----Get a pet. If you want, I have a Maine [censored] cat (23 solid lbs ..) … I could send her to you. She would not let you get lonely. She is the ultimate lap cat and she ‘talks’ all day. Follows us all around chattering.. I swear she says “out” to go out and calls my son (she ‘owns’ him) “mom”. It’s spooky. Right now she is sitting behind me on by chair, cuddled against me, purring and chattering away. Guess she’s telling me about her day. Ok, you cannot have her.. my son would get really mad at me.<p>----Stock up on good books<p>----Start a new hobby or rekindle and old one.. what do you like to do or what have you always wanted to do? Sew, bead, make jewelry, paint… then find classes to attend. This will give you places/time to be with people as well as give you something to do while at home.<p>----I always made sure that I planned at least one thing a week with friends. That way I got my ‘people’ fix. Then the rest of the time, I’d go out if something came up.<p>----Do volunteer work. Find an organization related to something you are interested in. Volunteer to do something for them.<p>Of course, if you want to really have something to fill your life… become a foster parent.
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Hi TW,<p>Well, you can count me in. I'm in the same situation as you. Been M forever and now alone, no children.<p>I agree, the week-ends are the hardest. What I have tried to do is on Friday afternoon I plan what I want to get done, things like run errands, shop, work on my house, etc. <p>I use to cry every Friday around 4:00ish because everyone at work was leaving to go home to their families and I was going home to an empty house. Well, not entirely true, because I have 3 Siamese. <p>I like working on my house, fixing the little things that my H let go for the several mos he was having his A. I try to keep busy, I read, I post on MB, I go riding. I just try to be productive anyway I can so I don't think so much and sink into depression. <p>I've always been a home body, I never really liked going out into crowds of people, not unless it's at a horse show. And when I was M it was always just me and my H. We weren't social beasts at all, so this has been really hard for me.<p>TW, you and I have to find things that WE like to do. For instance, I signed up for a Pilate class, it's a form of exercise and it tones your body muscles but not to the point where you're cut.<p>I'm just SLOWLY trying to test the waters about doing things on my own. I am lonely, but when I feel really down about it, I tell myself how this is so much better than living with my H when he was being so nasty and hateful toward me.<p>I hope you'll be okay, TW. And I hope I've helped a bit.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ January 06, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Thanks everybody----I know what you are saying is true and for the most part, I have an active life.<p>Estes, I have a F/T job, and a wonderful church family. They are always checking on me. I have a cop friend who lives 4 minutes away and a friend who fixes furnaces so God has provided me with real security and love. I am very active in my church. I lack for nothing. BUT it is not the same to have friends and acquaintances as it is to have family members to share and care for. I love doing things for loved ones so I know that is the void right now. Thanks for remnding me that I can hurt.....and do not have to hide it.<p>I know keeping busy is the key but most of my friends are married, have children, and are very busy. I do have to meet other single people. Working on that.<p>Melody---I know what you are saying. That is my obsession----to have a man. Ugh--why do we think like that? I think that a man will kill the loneliness but that could be farthest from the truth. I was very lonely living with WS but now I am just feeling an aloneness....which is different. Being lonely is when you cannot express your feelings and be understood....THAT IS LONELY.<p>Zorweb---good suggestions. Thanks for the cat offer---I have 2 adorable cats and I know that they have been a real source of comfort and cuddling.<p>Resilient---Sorry you are where I am. I feel for you. I do not really like doing things by myself. I am a real people person and need more of a people "fix" than the average person. I have lots to do but want someone to share my life with. I am taking courses, exercising (walking, biking, and swimming). I hope the aloneness doesn't last long.<p>It makes me a bit mad to think that WS never seemed like the type that wanted to be married. Never wanted to do things with me too much or spend times with friends or do anythings around the house.....BUT now he is with someone and I am all alone. I am the one who wants to share my life with someone and he is the one doing it. UGHHHHH! That burns me. I am in limboland still married and tied to my marriage vows wondering if I ever will get a chance to have a real marriage. I wish I could just enjoy the single life and not want something that I may never be able to have. I have always wanted to be married and have a family.<p>Thanks for your suggestions and letting me get this out.....When it is out, it doesn't feel so big<p>TW