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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 8
C
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 8
I'm new to this site and I have spent quite some time reading all the articles. One this strikes me a bit odd. One of the things I read was that you are suppose to do whatever your spouse needs you to do in order to meet there needs. Whether you want to or not. What I'm wondering is where do you draw the line? Wouldn't that in turn cause deep seeded resentment toward you spouse? Don't get me wrong, I'm more than willing to try and meet my H's needs. But what happens if your spouse does not like your friends, do you give them all up? Or your spouse does not like you smoking. Do you quit? Or you spouse wants to have sex twice a day, seven days a week? I'm sure you get where I am going with this. If I read correctly, no matter what is no matter what? Some of the other items I read sounded like pretty good ideas. This particular one seems as if it could go pretty bad. Has anyone tried this and how much success did you have with this technic. Thanks

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
R
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
Welcome to MB, the place where you learn to save your M. Follow the link on my sig and post some more detail on your situation or post your profile.<p>I do not know the background on your question but I will try to answer in general term. If either of you fulfill EN(s), you bound to have a problem. Some might never have A or Dv but they miss the "thropy", a fullfiling M. POJA is the key to negotiate filling EN(s) !. There are many ways to fulfill EN(s), and let both of you decide.<p>Just look around the post there are many travel this path ...

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
K
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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
Welcome!<p>You've gotten only part of the info...I'd suggest you read thru the entire Basic Concepts (click on "concepts" link above) section again.<p>The concept of the "lovebank"--meeting ENs and avoiding lovebusters is NOT to be used by itself--it goes hand-in-hand with the concept of POJA (policy of joint agreement) and the concept of radical honesty.<p>Radical Honesty states that both parties are to be honest about how they feel, and POJA says they only follow behavior that both can happily agree to. Thus, you do not do things you resent doing...you honestly & kindly discuss them and work together to find a compromise or a new solution that both can happily live with. The POJA is (IMHO) the hardest part of the equation to really live (I tend to be a bit over-giving, which can lead to resentment as you say). But, with practice POJA skills do get better...<p>Kathi

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 4,297
Z
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 4,297
circemyth66 <p>Do you have some specific circumstances that you need help figuring out? Why not give us a real life example that can be discussed.


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