Feeling frustrated the last couple of days and have been feeling like letting go,just to achieve peace. My conversations with her are so strained and un-natural.<p>Does anyone out there ask themselves the following questions?<p>Do I really want to save my M?<p>Do I even like this persone anymore?<p>Is he/she worthy of being my spouse?<p>How could I stay married to someone so selfish?<p>She is an embarssment to me and my family name, why would I want her?<p>She is "damaged goods" why would I ever want to be with her again?<p>I feel like I am rescuing her from a "lesser life" and she is not my problem.

I ask myself those questions on daily basis and I think that is why I keep coming back here. If I could answer any of those questions, then maybe I wouldn't need MB anymore. I sometimes think HOW Could I possibly love someone who has betrayed me and disrespected me so badly?? I honestly don't know. But I have given that man 24 years of my life and I am not ready to say it is over. I guess I will know it is over if I can answer "NO I do not even like this man anymore".

Sure, I have asked these questions many times. I fail to understand why I could possibly want to continue with this person. Call it co-dependance, call it an addiction, or whatever. <p>I cannot answer your main point of the questions. I cannot understand why decent people would lower themselves to the point of being, less than a doormat for morally bankrupt spouses. <p>We torture ourselves for someone who only care about themselves. <p>Yes, we can look in the mirror one day and hold our heads high and stick out our chests and say, we fought the good fight, we gave all to our WS. We worked on ourselves, became better people, and did everything we could to save our marriages.<p>What I want to know is what went wrong with us that we ever wanted to try? At least to the point we have. There is No reason a WS can give for the betrayal they have done. There is NO fault a BS has done to warrant an A. The lies, the deciet(sp?), pretending to still want the BS. <p>My only question is, What went wrong with me that I want someone like her?<p>This is not intended as a flame on the WS. I think it is a valid question/discussion. I also feel that the BS should forgive a repentant WS. <p>jd

jdmac1
I'll attempt to provide you some insight and express some additional feelings I am having.<p>Do you have kids?
This is avery compelling reason, and one that keeps me hanging in there.<p>SHarley works off the premsis of the "ideal seniero" being the family remaining together and H & W learning how to fall back in love. This alson keeps me hanging in there.
My issue is that I'm not sure it I still love her but love the perception of what our marriage could be, Further, and more importantly, I'm not sure I like her!!!<p>"What I want to know is what went wrong with us that we ever wanted to try?"<p>We still love them. And once we realize the A is in large our responsibility we can accept the it happened and perhaps we want to prove we can be a better spouse. Also perhaps we don't like losing or failing and will do what it takes to win. <p>"There is No reason a WS can give for the betrayal they have done. There is NO fault a BS has done to warrant an A. The lies, the deciet(sp?), pretending to still want the BS. " No true, as human beings we can justify any behavior, the WS is in the fog and has become extreamly selfish, they want their needsmet at any cost.<p>"My only question is, What went wrong with me that I want someone like her?" You probable still love her.<p>[ January 06, 2002: Message edited by: dadoftheyear ]</p>

I too ask the same questions everyday and a few others, I have turned it over to God and now I wait. I know that I will always love the person that married. Is that the same person today? No, I thought that we were growing together, not apart.<p>One of those other questions that I ask and have wanted to bring up here for some feedback is...<p>I love my WH so much that I have pretty much stepped aside to let him do and be what it is he needs to be happy. (kind of letting the butterfly go, to see if it comes back) Why? cuz I love him. Why is it that the OW can't do the same, why is she hanging on so tightly? Is she afraid that he won't come back if she lets go? Is that the "in love" that he claims it to be?<p>Just my 2 cents!! today, Dawn

DOY,<p> Yes, I have kids(4). Yes, I still love her. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We still love them. And once we realize the A is in large our responsibility we can accept the
it happened and perhaps we want to prove we can be a better spouse. Also perhaps we don't like losing or failing and will do what it takes to win.<hr></blockquote><p> Our situations are vastly different I am sure, dad. See, I can and do take responsibility for my faults as a husband. But when does WS take responsibility for her faults in our marriage pre-affairs? You surely don't expect me to believe that your WS was perfect in your marriage? Yet who had the A? <p> Now I think you may have hit on something. It possibly is about winning for some of us. Not about the WS. Not about love. Not about kids. About winning? For me that would certianly not be something to base the future of the family on. <p> That is getting closer to my question for myself. Is the reason I fight for my marriage about winning, an addiction, co-dependency? What is it about myself that allows me to keep trying to save my marriage through 2 known physical affairs, 1 possible PA(for sure an EA) and possibly a 4th coming to light??? <p> jd

I asked myself those questions a lot the first few months, esp as WH continued to pine over OW and could not commit to working on the marriage. And, of the two friends who knew of my H's EA, one asked me repeatedly why I didn't get rid of him and find someone who could commit to me. It was hard not to give up, and these "internal questions" wouldn't shut up.<p>Finally, he really recommitted and started putting in equal effort. At that point, I certainly felt staying together was best for the kids, our financial health, etc. But I was still not convinced it was best for me...didn't I deserve better?<p>It's been 2 years. I have my occasional moments still, but I am very glad I stayed & that we kept working. Truly, our marriage is better than before...I do think that outcome is not at all uncommon.<p>jd--I feel for you. I think there is a big difference in a onetime affair and repeated affairs. I don't think my attitude would be at all the same in that case.<p>Good luck--<p>Kathi<p>[ January 06, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</p>

Dad, it sounds like the questions you are asking are the same ones that SHarly will ask to make sure it is not time to move to a Plan B. I do not know this for sure, because I am new here. However, I know from all the reading that moving to a Plan B has a lot to do with how much love you have left. <p>Why do we stay? Why do we try? Faith. Faith in Marriage, faith in the potential of my marriage. Belief that our children will benefit with two parents under one roof. and Hope that one day things will truly be better now that we have some process (MB) to help us achieve a better marriage.

It is a depressing post, I am trying to block it from replying. But here is one for you ... what do you think your WW's list of questions. Don't get mad but probably the same lists. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

jdmac1<p>"Our situations are vastly different I am sure, dad. See, I can and do take responsibility for my faults as a husband. "
I don't know how different they are, My W is on relationship # 2, in fact last week when she came over to work on MB with me ( on of her back to reality moments) she said, "I feel like I'm cheating on my boyfriend with my husband" Because I was meeting her EN's. <p>"But when does WS take responsibility for her faults in our marriage pre-affairs? " She may never, its part of the denial and justification. Perhaps with som etherapy, Ask painforever, he is a WS.
"You surely don't expect me to believe that your WS was perfect in your marriage?" No far from it in fact this is one of the thoughts that makes me not want to continue here. Additionally, as I think about her today, the woman she has become, other then being a good mother, I cant find one redeeming quality or characteristic about her.<p>Isit possible, I just moved outof plan B, based on our jint session with SH.<p>Red, If you are there, sorry, this is real and some of teh questions we ponder.