Random Act of Kindness, then Big Trigger with her seeking more Independence -- I bet you all think I'm really hard to please! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In my last post I spoke of receiving this special appreciation award for my announcing basket ball for the local high school basket ball team. My DW surprised me by getting me a new sports coat & pants, plus she came to the game and took pictures &#8211; first game she has come to in a few years. <p>If you have followed my story you know I have some insecurities which were driven home the other day when she re-confirmed in a confessional kind of spirit that she has this deep inner desire to seek attention, in her words, &#8220;from both men & women&#8221; &#8211; she put it that she likes to get the attention, because of her &#8220;age thing.&#8221; That she worries about every little wrinkle. She rarely goes out without shoes with heels of 2 inches & the cloths are the same as I see many teenagers wear &#8211; definite focus on figure!<p>She is involved with our churches high school mission project where for a week in the summer they go to the Appalachian trail area in Virginia to fix-up peoples residences. The group has fund raising projects and made soup yesterday. You&#8217;ll remember our pastor is involved & she comes home talking about his Sunday school class that he invited her to attend. He also asked her this fall to be on special building committee. These make me feel weird, but I realize I cannot &#8220;keep her in a box,&#8221; as she has accused me of trying to do in the past. Our pastor also snow skis. Last year my DW was very interested in taking snow skiing lessons & I was not in favor &#8211; this was shortly before D/Day &#8211; she had expressed need to be independent & I was saying why can&#8217;t we do more together &#8211; it ended in one our biggest fights ever &#8211; she stormed out of restaurant & was screaming at the top of her lungs in the car saying &#8220;it&#8217;s over!&#8221; Later she denied meaning that it was over between us. <p>You&#8217;ll remember my attempt to do things together this summer did not work &#8211; she wanted hikes at trail & walking the dog in the woods, around a small lake, and in a park setting located behind our house, as &#8220;time to herself.&#8221;<p>Now here is the big trigger, which to me typifies her attitude is back to where it was &#8211; more things to &#8220;on her own&#8221; &#8211; perhaps yet another activity where Pastor is involved is purely coincidental (??), but none the less, as much as I try to fight this, I just don&#8217;t feel comfortable about this. She mentions that the high school kids are going on a skiing trip Saturday (12:00 noon to 10:00 PM) and they asked her to be a chaperon. She did not ask if I wanted to go, as she knows I&#8217;m not interested, however we both went years ago when our son was in high school. I did not make any real comments. I don&#8217;t know if she plans to take lessons when she goes or if she plans to just hang out at the lodge.<p>With her way of dress & openness to meet new friends & admitted need to attract attention, & the fact that the last time we discussed the A&#8217;s specifically was this summer & she said she was not responsible, that the two guys were predators -- I guess we forget about her many calls to to these guys & the fact she drove 15 miles to be with the one guy at his home when he & his S were separated at the time! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I'm sorry, I just do not feel comfortable about this idea. She did not persist in wanting to go, although it was obvious she wanted to go. She I am sure could tell that I was not enthusiastic. <p>I guess this tells you where I am in our recovery! She&#8217;ll say that I am too possessive I&#8217;m sure, or too controlling. If it were not for her history & the fact that there has been very little that she has agreed to to help me in our recover. I fact, like I said earlier, it is almost like she never did anything wrong -- she has all these justifications & her approach is to just forget about it & move on. I suppose it is reasonable for her to do this. She addresses everything as if nothing has happened in our past & that she has never had a problem being faithful to me. ?? Should I take a big gulp & tell her to go ahead, forget about joint activities &#8211; she is do what ever she wants, am I being selfish & controlling here?
Do I need to be real direct with her & remind her of her confessed activities with these two guys, her prior thing twenty years ago & this funny stuff with the father of the kid she babysat for 10 years ago? Thus last example is a bit of a mystery to me & I am tempted to call the W and ask a few questions. The story is that when they were divorcing, the W was going to ask my DW to testify in hearing that she did not make any passes at her H. Evidently the H claims my DW made passes & invited him in for coffee. My DW response to me has been that it is ridiculous, that she always greeted him at the door wearing this ugly pink bathrobe. Why would she be asked to make such a testimony [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ?<p>Now let&#8217;s suppose she has absolutely no incentive to go off like a single person & smoose with the yuppie skier types & no chance that she attract the attention of some unattached ski jockey (OK, I&#8217;m being a little bias in my slant here!), to me, her doing this while I sit at home does not speak real favorably about a couple trying to work on improving their relationship?? I think of this cause I&#8217;m sure she&#8217;ll site an example of how another married women might go &#8211; she sighted example yesterday of this married lady & her daughter going skiing by themselves & that the husband did not go. I know for a fact that the husband does ski & they have &#8220;Family&#8221; outings. I sense she is starting this subtle play for her to take up skiing.
I know I need a check up from the head up, but do I have a case for asking her not to go on skiing trip or would that in fact be a purely selfish, possessive thing & I&#8217;m being totally weak & way too needy here?<p>PS, she was not feeling well yesterday & did not feel like getting cleaned up to go out, so we did not go to the couples S-anon thing. I did not want to press the issue as it is supposed to be a program of attraction & not promotion. Big chance she&#8217;ll have negative reaction & again accuse me of &#8220;controlling&#8221; her.&#8221;
Peace to all,
HH

HH,
I sense that you are wondering the same thing that I am....that perhaps your wife is interested in the pastor. I've been wondering, from reading your posts, if the pastor has more than a pastoral interest in your wife.<p> I may be wrong, as your pastor may indeed be a Godly man, but ministers aren't necessarily exempt from temptations of the flesh.

It might be wise to pay a little closer attention to the interaction between the pastor and your wife.

Lady Clueless, A big "AMEN" to that! I was wondering the same thing and should have brought it up to HH. Prayers, Ladysing

I would watch closely, but do not mention it... plan a her... I wish I had plan a'd when I had only suspected the problem... back before he had the nerve to leave me... the problems got worse as I got mad at my H disappearing, etc, and suspected, and LB'd really bad, and then he was mean to me, etc etc... it was really bad,... so then he had justification to leave me/us.I think the point where they are home... they are wondering... am I doing the right thing, and really wanting to make the marraige work... so do your best to make her happy if saving the marriage is in your plans... do not let someone else be the one to make her happy. <p>HONEY

LadyClueless,Ladysing & Honey, THANKS! IT MEANS A LOT TO HEAR OTHER PEOPLE'S TAKE ON THIS AS I GET ALL WRAPPED UP IN THE EMOTIONS OF THIS & SOMETIMES HAVE GREAT DOUBT AS TO BEST COURSE OF ACTION, AS YOU WELL KNOW!<p>The Pastor as a close friend of hers and potentially more &#8211; Yes, I can see that as a very real possibility & it has been a concern of mine for some time &#8211; I had a very direct meeting with Pastor just before Christmas in which I thought he might back off a bit in terms of getting involved -- Who knows for sure, perhaps he did not actually invite my DW to come to his Sunday Scholl class -- she may have heard him discussing this & decided she wanted to go, but she did not want to let me know she was taking initative -- I've tried to get her to attend a Sunday Scholl class for years -- his class has about 5 or 6 people -- small intimate thing. She should understand from very frank discussions she & I have had (like three weeks ago when she got him a card and gift after not getting me a anything, not even a card & they sell them at her work, for my B-day two weeks earlier!) that I do not consider exempt from romatic feeling just becasue he is a Pastor! I don&#8217;t think he fully understands her capacity for lust & need for attention &#8211; what better validation than to attract the special attention from the Pastor! Many warned me of this before their mission trip last summer. <p>In fairness, I don&#8217;t know if Pastor is going on ski trip &#8211; 90% sure in that his son skies & he does &#8211; interestingly enough I don&#8217;t believe his wife skies!

She is working me on this! Last night I make a call to one of my S-anon support group people. We are have a special dinner to celebrate the anniversary of this particular group tonight. She makes sarcastic comment about how can I go without her. I ask her what she means exactly. She says, oh nothing, I am just kidding, and of course you can go by yourself!
I am sure she will solicit support form her co-workers today. Again, dajavue from last year. She had big story about how everyone at her work thought it was just fine for her to be off taking skiing lessons & that I was just the jealous H type! I believe they know about her A&#8217;s so that might give them a different perspective from last year this time around --?? She is pretty strong willed & can easily show her dislike with feedback she does like, so they are not actually very objective &#8211; her boss is a strong Christian and studying marriage enrichment things, so if my DW asks her, she may give her objective feedback? What her coworker is think is in material however as you well know!<p>The actual skiing is from noon to 10:00 PM &#8211; and it is about an hour and a half drive, so they&#8217;ll probably leave around 10:00 AM & return around Mid-night. This was routine when she & I went when our son was in the group. Big time commitment to sit around the lodge &#8211; I would do it of course, but my experience with the bikini thing tells me that if I offer, she&#8217;ll get upset with babysitter kind of routine & tell me to just forget about it & pout like I have her in jail! Well, if it seems like jail to her, then perhaps I need to set her free!!
Plan B &#8211; funny you mention that. That very thought struck me this morning. The thought that flew through my mind was that if she went I could have her bags packed and left outside the door. Too mean, I know!
Thanks again for hangin in here with me as I know this has to painful for all of you as well!
Peace,
HH [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]