This is a vent - be forewarned it's a very long vent.<p>I haven't posted much. Thanksgiving time I filed for a legal separation, mainly to have my WH removed from our home. He wasn't happy but he did realize I meant business. Things have improved a lot since then. He is being more open and less demanding. He now understands I want to save the marriage and has told me he does also. All good right? No way!!!<p>Yesterday I got a call from the hospital that my dad had been involved in an accident and was in the emergency room. (He's fine) I went straight there. My oldest daughter called her dad at work and he immediately came to the hospital. It was good to have him there because I was pretty upset. They took my dad in for a Cat Scan and we sat in the waiting room. H and me were talking when a nurse came out and said to me "Are you here with Mr. E?" I said yes and she said there's a phone call you can get it at the nurses station. I walked back, picked up the telephone said hello and was greeted with the OW's voice asking how my father was. I saw red and immediately hung up the phone without answering her.<p>I walked back to the waiting room where my H sat among strangers. He could see by the look on my face how angry I was. I said "you go on back to work and tell your girlfriend that she better never call me again for any reason!!" I walked away and H followed me trying to explain that he had to tell his work where he was going (which is true) but he agreed she had no right to call. I made him leave. I didn't even want to look at him after that.<p>I was worried sick over my dad and in the midst of it all I had to deal with this obnoxious abrasive b*t*h! I'm still so angry I could scream.
How dare she do that and how dare he allow it. <p>When my dad was released I took him home and stayed to get him settled. My H called there several times but I didn't talk to him. When I got home my oldest daughter said he had called a dozen times. I finally spoke with him around 9:00 p.m. and he told me he was sorry it happened but that I "shouldn't have hung up on her because she was concerned" and she thought she was going to speak to a nurse, not to me. She doesn't even know my dad! I went crazy screaming at my H. I can not believe he defended her. I told him that until she is totally gone from his life. don't call me, don't pass messages through the kids for me and to leave me alone because I am so sick of her being in my life at ever turn. I hung up and haven't spoken to him since. I can't believe he defended her right to call there. I feel like I'm back at the beginning and I'm too tired to fight this battle again.<p>Advice is welcomed but I can't imagine how anything could change how I feel right now.

I would agree that you have every right to feel the way you do.<p>Has WH ever written the "no contact letter"? If not he should!!<p>I assume by the way you wrote that WH is not living at home at this time?<p>It is too bad that OW had to mess things up, your WH was there for the right reasons, concern, and love for you and your father. But as he let her into his life at one time he cannot get rid of her unless he gets forceful. Kind of like how we will have WH in our lives the rest of them because of the kids. This is way different though.<p>When you have calmed down perhaps you and WH can talk about how she is still effecting your lives and how that phone call set your recovery back majorly. And no matter what if he wants the marriage that it is you and family that he is to defend.<p>Vent here, and vent again here and when you think that you can calmly talk with spouse, ask for him to sit down and talk about how this made you feel and why it is that you feel the way you do, try doing it without LB's, hard I know!!!<p>Dawn<p>Is dad doing ok today?

TinyDancer,<p>Don't let anger get to you. Calm down. Yes, H did some wrong but also the situation might fall under circumstances. If H wants to work on M, then no contact letter will be part of the deal and let H proposed the solution for proving it.

That was VERY inappropriate of her to call regardless if she expected to talk to the nurse or not. <p>IMVHO, OW was all the way wrong in her actions. If she doesn't even know your father and is not your friend (unlikely), or should I say x-friend, she had no legitimate reason to be calling. In addition, it is none of her business how a "perfect stranger" is doing while in the hospital, legally speaking.<p>I can't say if this woman was genuine in her concern for a MM W's father, whom she happens to have had an A with, but my guess is she was trying to impress your H by appearing compassionate. Either that or she was checking on his story of why he had to leave work, see if he was lieing.<p>As far as your H's allegiance to OW, I do know how much that hurts. Him defending her in any way does hurt to the very core. It's the ultimate betrayal.<p>Try and get past this, TD. Let yourself feel the anger, it's normal for what you've just been thru. I'm terribly sorry this happened, your H is acting like an schmuck in the FOG. He has no clue how much he has hurt you. All he knows right now is how HE FEELS, he's being extremely selfish, and unfortunetly it's par for the course.<p>Please take good care, tomorrow will be better and each day after that.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ January 06, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hi,<p>JMHO, let the situation sink into your H. He needs to see the seriousness of what the OW did. Not defend her. Your actions to avoid future contact shows he pushed you to a limit that past tolerance. Kind of a quick plan B without the formal letter, looks like it was done out of a need. You have that right. <p>When someone pushes you to that limit, you know. Both of you need time apart. You are worrying about your dad and don't need the added stress. Your H needs to understand that. <p>Concentrate on your family and dad. Your H will need to see where he wants this incident to take him. <p>Hugz.
L.

TD<p>{{{{{hugs}}}}}<p>Geez, some people are just no class. Like you, I find it very hard to believe that she was concerned about you father. The idea that she was checking up on your H is far more credable. That she even felt familiar enough to make to call makes me feel that there is more contact then her getting the info through the rumor mill.<p>Perhaps one of your stipulations for taking your H back, if ever, is that he leaves this job. <p>I do not blame you at all for this sort-of instant Plan B. A husband should be protecting you and caring for you, especially during the time of a family crisis.

Thanks for the replies. My dad is doing fine.<p>As far as my H and the OW, I do believe it's been over for a while. To the very best I can figure the A started prior to June 2000 and ended early 2001. I suspected things at that time but he denied it and I foolishly believed. I found cards and gifts among other things that confirm there was at the very least an EA. He denies everything but all I want is the truth.<p>They do still work together and it's not possible for him to change jobs any time soon. She has a nothing job with a nothing pay check but she holds onto it like a lifeline. I'm at a total loss as to what to do next.<p>I have so much anger over this I don't even know where or how to begin dealing with my H. I haven't spoken to him today and I don't plan to any time soon. I think it's time he realized the consequences of this A that he chose to have and of this OW b*t*h that he drug into my life.<p>Thanks for all your kindness and support. I'll make it through - don't we always?

Hello Tiny Dancer. I'm glad to hear your father is doing well. I have been a WS and I am now a BS so I do see both sides.
I read your story and I think I've got a pretty clear picture. I hope not to offend you with what I'm going to say.
Your H had an A that is clear to me and I'm sure to you too. Your H is probably denying it because he is afraid of the truth. Admitting an A is the hardest thing ever done. He may never admit it. You need to decide if you can forgive and move forward without his honesty. Have you calmly explained why you want the truth? Calm is important.
Now about the OW. Boy this woman has some nerve. Your H needs to flat out tell the (former?) OW to take a hike. She is way out of bounds with this phone call. I'd guess she is checking up on him. I'd also guess she isn't done wanting him back. You had said in a prior post that she is back with her H and he gifted her with a new car. New cars don't keep you warm at night, they don't communicate with you, they don't show you love. My guess is that's what this ballsy OW got from your H and she isn't wanting to give it up.
You say you're H can't change jobs at this time. Is there a reason? A valid reason? Or is he just holding on too?
My family says I talk too much and that's what I'm doing now. I hope not to have offended you but the only way to heal is to face all facts. Good luck hun and God speed.<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: totally-lost ]</p>

I just wanted to tell you that I totally understand your anger. It has been two years since I found out about my WS A. The OW works in the same area with him M-F. I work for the same company but in another area. WS continually tells me the A is over and he feels nothing for the OW but he refuses to move to another department away from her. The OW has since divorced her husband and remarried another man in the same department as herself and my husband. At times, I do see them in the mornings, at lunch, in the afternoons & at times during meetings. The OW sits in the meetings with her H and continually looks at my husband. I have been told that she stares at him throughout the day. I think she married her H on the rebound and because of a child custody battle. Since the A ended my WS has taken up for her on several subjects on numerous occasions. He always knows what is happening with OW and her life. I too, have had such anger. I honestly don't know if we are going to make a go of our marrige or not. As long as they continue to work together I just don't see how we can. My H says he feels nothing for her when he see her but I feel if this were true he would want to get away from her. He knows what this situation does to me but it doesn't mean enough to make him move his position. I honestly cannot see you being happy as long as they continue to see each other at work. I'm not happy and our marriage suffers each and every day because of it. Your H brought the OW into your life and he must be the one to break the bond between them and get her out of your life and your marriage even if it means leaving his job. Which is more important...you or his job? I know which is more important to my H....his job. I just realized he is never going to give it up and that I'm never going to be happy. Guess D is my future.

I was reading the replies and realized nothing offends me any more lol kind of a scary thought.<p> My H isn't holding onto the job because of her. He works in a very small business (7 employees) as the manager. He couldn't touch what he's making there without moving to a larger city and both he and I have sick elderly parents here.<p> It's kind of hard to explain, but most of the time I'm happy in my marriage. Since D-day back in June 2001 my H has become much more attentive to me and my needs. We spend quality time together, both alone and with our children and families. H is currently making plans for a night away for our anniversary next month and he's also agreed for us to go to the Caribbean this summer with the kids, something I've wanted to do for a long time.<p> I can manage to go for hours not thinking about the A and only when OW sticks herself in my face do I get upset. It takes time to heal I know this. My counselor tells me this all the time. I just don't know if the marriage can ever heal until my H is honest because as long as he's not, I wonder what other lies he's telling.<p> I still haven't spoken with him since the night of the hospital fiasco, although he's called dozens of times. I plan to write down how I feel and give it to him so that he can read it and understand without coming back at me with answers and us having a fight.

I'm getting stronger every day and maybe in time I'll get the honesty I need to move past this. Thanks for the support.