Well, after all of the ugliness last week I am finally feeling a little better today. H is still planing on moving out. We discussed what items from the house he can take. I am trying to be nice. I did cry a little but kept my cool. <p>The thing is, for the first time in a long time he has started doing things around the house again. Cleaning up the yard, helping some with housework. Taking down the Christmas lights. (I put them up alone) Washing the dog. <p>I think all of this is good. I think part of the reason it was easy for him to have the A was because he felt detached from our home. I did everthing for him. All he did was come home from work and play a little with our son. I did all the cooking, shopping, picking up. I think if he re-connects with his home he is going to have a harder time leaving it. <p>Of course, I have set down my boundaries this time. He cannot stay and continue to have the contact with her he has had. It is too hard on me. I am going to stick to them. <p>My work and health has suffered to much, I know his actual leaving is going to be to hard on me and I am planning on calling the Dr tomorrow and getting some anti deps. I need to have all my wits about me now more than ever. I am also going to go get myself a nice hair cut and have my eyebrows waxed. This always makes me feel good.<p>All in all I feel like I am finally accepting that this is a phase that must take place. I do not feel like it is the end of my M, but maybe what it needs to move forward. Sounds strange I know, seperation to move forward. But I really don't think my H can decide he wants this M until he does this. <p>Don't get me wrong, I am scared to death. I lie in bed afraid every night. But, I will live through this fear. My divorced aunt told me that I would be walking through a door of pain, but would walk out into a place of sunlight. <p>I still cry almost every day.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}<p>Not much I can say except that I hear you and feel for you. Sometimes life just is not fair.

Hugzz needing...<p>I understand where you are and why you are doing what you are doing...<p>prayers to you,
cali

Thanks <p>Zorweb and Cali...you have both been an inspiration to me through some of my hardest times. <p>Cali, I am very sorry to read of where you are right now. You have been very brave and very strong for a long time. Your H wont leave and mine wont stay. I wonder which is worse.<p>Z, ... No, Life is not fair.<p>Thanks for the prayers.<p>Needing

Dear Needing, <p>I understand your position and yep I enabled my H the same way. I remember Buffy told me the same thing when I first came here. <p>Crazy how the more you do the less you are appreciated. When do you know that you cross the line from apprciated to unappreciated? I must have a thick skull because I seem to cross it all the time. <p>Ahhh but no more (or at least not as much - LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ). I also let H do more and it does give him a sense of worth. <p>You seem to have a good head about what is happening. The future of the WS is unpredictable. I hope your H starts to enjoy seeing how much beter things can be by working together. <p>Hang in there!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

It's amazing how similar we all seem to be, I mean us and our WS's. <p>I too did everything around the house and with the kids. Felt that my h was working long hours and was handling the finances, I should be able to handle everything at home and with the kids. Your statement of you think he felt detached from the home really hit a cord with me. I'm sure that's how my H felt.<p>My husband is out of the house again since Friday, talked for an hour last night, but he is really so confused I'm not sure what direction we are headed for yet. I did feel the same way you did, that maybe he needed to leave to see that he really wants to stay. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but while you have him there, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.<p>I can tell you that my husband has said while he was home he would look at me and think of her, said that's why he felt he had to leave. Now with him gone he told me that he looks at her and thinks of me. If he hadn't left, he would have never experienced that, so maybe it is a good thing. Only time will tell.<p>Hugs and prayers your way.

Orchid,<p>Yeah, actually one of the things that really burns me is that while he was having this A, I was here at home doing his laundry, cooking his meals, caring for our son, cleaning our home, paying the bills and buying him vitamins because I was so worried about his lack of energy. Not to mention lack of sex drive, but apparently that was just lack of desire for me. Little did I know that his sex drive was just fine. Oooh, getting angry again.<p>Hurting,<p>I too hope he starts to see what he has here at home just waiting for him to claim it 100%. I am sure that he will have to leave before he sees it. I am afraid that is the only way he will ever see. It would be wonderful if he could realise this before he breaks our sons heart and confuses him more than ever by leaving. <p>I know that the things I need from him are going to be to hard for him to give me right now. So even if he said he wanted to stay, I would have to ask him to leave if he could not promise to make me #1 priority in his life instead of, oh I dont know #83. I just can't live with the pain anymore. <p>I do believe it will be at least Feb before he gets a place. In the meantime, yes Plan A. But if I continue to see contact, well, I may not be able to.<p>Thanks for all the support. I know we are all in a bad dark place righ now. It never ceases to amaze me how many people reach out through their own pain to help someone in need. It's truly a gift.

Hi needing,<p>I totally understand and empathize with you. But that in itself will not help you completely. <p>I went through the same gamit. Gotta let them go out there and kill that A themselves. Unfortunately before that no brainer hits their brain some have to be real dumb and get more into the A dirt. <p>What hurting said is exactly what we went through. <p>L.

Needing,
I am one week ahead of you. My H moved out on Friday. It is a big relief. I do feel sad but the pressure is off because I don't constantly think about is he calling her or e-mailing her while he is in the house.
It was done hastily due to a broken promise for no contact while on a family vacation - it was the line he crossed that I had set in stone for myself. Funny what pushed me over the edge.<p>Cali - I pray for you. I have been following your story - I modeled my plan B letter after yours. It was excellent! Where are their brains. I know - they should just keep them zipped up. <p> I like to fast forward. I especially like to read Twyla's progress. The MD thing and their thinking they can do no wrong and everyone bows to them - I really thought long and hard before marrying him. I foolishly thought he didn't have to be like that. He did show qualities of being down to earth. We had a moderate home, old cars, plain and wonderful life style - the power got to him and it makes me want to throw up.<p> My goal for this year is to play the New Years game that T got. I'm dreaming. Perhaps I'll just get it for my nephew who just got married. Hopefully they will learn to communicate.<p> Hang in there. I'll keep and eye on our progress.

Orchid and jcan60,<p>Thanks guys. Things have been pretty quiet around here lately. He has a business trip on Thurs. My parents also come to visit Thurs. (No, there is no coincidence in the timing) <p>I wonder how hard he is actually looking for a place. I see no evidence of it and am starting to wonder if I am going to have to actually kick him out. I hope not. I am getting stronger but don't know if I am that strong.<p>I'm looking forward to my parents visit, but it will be the first time I've seen them since I told them all. I'm afraid I am going to break down completly when they get here.<p>Anyway, thanks again for the support. Take care all.<p>Needing

Needing-<p>Just wanted you to know that I know how you feel and am in a similar situation, except WS forced me (literally) from my home. It is tough, but in a way it is a relief. I have tried my best and did everything I could do, but unfortunately, theWS is not yet at a point where she can make any rational decisions.<p>WS told me last week how she too became 'detached' from everything the last few years as well. Now she feels she needs time alone with the house, kids and everything else (hopefully not OM) to make her realize everything she has done. <p>I have come to a point, and I hope you do too, that I can hold my head high knowing I did my very best and now it is up to WS to make the next move. Please take care of yourself, become the best you you can be and the best mother for your precious son.

lhs,<p>I am getting close to saying I have done all I could. I don't think I have though. When I go through my actions of the last 3 months I certainly see a lot of LB behaviour. I actually believe that right now I am more capabile (sp?) of Plan A with him out of the house. I need to be doing more for me. Making new friends, doing fun things, I have just been so depressed and uncapabale of snapping myself out of it. <p>I can see the changes I need to make, I have just been having trouble finding the energy to do it.<p>Needing

Its good to hear that you are finding peace with your situation. Your H moving out is not your fault, that is his choice and sole responsibility, much like his decision to have an A and not end it and work on restoring the M.<p>Yes, we need to go out, make some new friends and have some fun for a change. Its too bad all of us MB BS's don't live in the same place, we could be a very interesting group together live and in person. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

All us together in the same place...oooh, scary thought. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by needing:
<strong> I was here at home doing his laundry, cooking his meals, caring for our son, cleaning our home, paying the bills and buying him vitamins because I was so worried about his lack of energy. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Needing,
I'm sorry for the pain of caring for everything like you are. I do understand it, though. I was "there", too! Took care of just about everything, seems like all they want to do is "go to work" and that is a plenty big enough contribution!<p>I would just like to jump into your thread for a minute, though, and ask this ? of anyone who would like to venture a thought?<p>One of my WH's big "things" is to constantly be telling me "You can handle it..." meaning the house, payments, problems, repairs, lawn, animals, ALL OF IT with him gone. My concern is that he's seen me do it and he really BELIEVES I "can handle it" and therefore, I don't need him.... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] If that's true, then WHY would he want to come back?!? He KNOWS I "can handle it" (his words) so "I don't need him" (again, his words), so he can't exactly come rescue me, can he?<p>BYW - speaking of vitamins, though, once - during one of our conversations - he DID say he was taking the vitamins I had bought for him to help w/his arthritis (yes, we're THAT old!) [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] totally unsolicited comment, so he IS thinking about ways I took care of him. BUT, I keep going back to the "you can handle it" statements. Makes me think he's "done here" and will NOT come back.
Again, sorry to hijack your thread, Needing, but this comment/question of mine didn't seem like it needed a whole thread of its own, just a little recommendation/help from anyone?<p>God Bless,