Two words: Plan B. Now.
OK, three words.<p>psycho_b

T<p>PLEASE DO WHAT psych_o SAYS. Print out her post and make it your mantra.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Written by Resilient:
I don't mean to sound like an alarmist, but your H saying he would kill you has upset me a bit. Should we be concerned for your well being?<p>Domestic violence are some of the most violent crimes, and you and H can find yourselves in a very emotionally charged state going thru this ordeal.<p>Things can be said in anger that you don't mean. I hope this is the case, Hon.<hr></blockquote><p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>Jo, Don't know if he'd try to act it. Don't know this guy anymore.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Terri,<p>This statement of yours alone is enough reason to go to Plan B. Please seriously consider it.<p>Lv,
Jo

Thanks to everyone for your concern. How do you go to Plan B with a 2 1/2 year old daughter?

Terrified,<p>You can Plan B with a 2 1/2 year old. Do you have anyone who can act as a go-between?

Hi Zorweb, I have no one that I can burden right now. <p>I tried it once with my neighbour and it was so uncomfortable.<p>Thanks

Terri,<p>My youngest was 2 and 1/2 when I went to plan C and my oldest was 5. We call it plan C over on In Recovery, when the A is over and we plan B with contact limited to arranging things for our children.<p>Since your H's A is not over, it is the classic plan B situation. What Harley suggests in respect of children is to have an intemerdiary (go between) deal with scheduling, visits and any shared-parenting issues; pick up and drop off are best done at a neutral place such as the daycare, babysitter's place, relative's place, or the intermediary's home. In the worst case scenario, children can be picked up from home, but a babysitter, friend or relative should be present, not the BS. No direct communication for any reason is what is recommended.<p>I understand your concern, though. I had the same ones when I was contemplating plan C. Still, I would recommend no contact and a strict plan B. Danafox, who posts on In Recovery, is trying plan B with direct contact only in relation to her under 2 year old son, and she is being regularly hurt by her WS' conduct of involvement with OW.<p>I don't recall who has recently done a strict plan B with young kids, but perhaps another MBer has a better memory.<p>Hugs to you,<p>OneDay<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

Hi T,<p>Let go and be friendly? Yes in a required way but not with my usual fashion. <p>See I viewed H as an outsider when he lived out of the house. I did not have to answer to him, nor did he have to answer to me. I gave him info but not love. I treated him fairly but not with extrordinary kindness. <p>I spoke to him when I needed. My contact with him was limited to 3 items (not 100% plan B), child visitation, mail,money. That's it. How I spent my time, where I went were none of his business. I used his logic on my comings and goings. Guess what, he did not like being treated like the way he treated me and that was only 1/2 as bad as he treated me.... more like 10%. I was cordial but not lovey dovey. In front of my son, I spoke respectfully (most of the time). It was hard, very hard. It will not deny that. <p>H noticed that immediately. Even while I was in plan A. He even asked: "don't you love me anymore?" Hmmm.......... foghead!!! It took a while for me to realize where I needed to be but after 3 months, I learned that my settling point was starting to take shape, I did not want H as he was so in the 4th month (after a nice dream about G Clooney - remember that story>!?!) I was ready for plan B. <p>Whether I had someone else in my life or not, I was ready to distance myself from the WS. I needed to for my santity. Later by the 9th month, it became even clearer. <p>You and your heart need to reach that state T, no one not even you can force yourself to plan B until you are ready and settled in your heart to do so. However, your safety is important so be alert, cautious and use your common sense. <p>Hugz,
L.

Hi T,<p>I am sorry to hear you're in such a pain.
The others have pretty much said what needed to be said.
I agree, plan B would be necessary now.
You have been on plan A for how long?
You attempted plan B kind of thing for a while?
Did it work?
Your H's A is still going on.
It's time to do something different now.
Simple and short; show him the door and tell him to come home when the A is over.<p>I have 3& 4 year olds and have been in plan B(officially,since H received the plan B letter)for a month, and haven't seen him. The kid's visits have been arranged by textmessages.And intermediary is being used.
It's such a relief not having to put up with all that pain, it still hurts, but it's not on my face all the time.
I hope you'll find a way which suits you. Just please try to see, what you are doing at the moment is not working. If you still want your M, do everything you can, and with MB's plan you have a chance for it.
Take care.

Hi O, I really needed your post today because it helped me to understand how I should be acting, you know what I mean? When he decides to leave after he's been visiting, he's so resentful and so am I. I guess I'm finding it hard to not be the "wife" anymore, ask him what time he'll be home, where he's going, etc.

Answering to him has just been part of it. Since no one has known, we've still been doing things together. Now that I've started getting the word out to a few more people, well, I guess things have to change. <p>O, did you find it hard not to ask him where he was or had been? Did you ever give in to the urge?<p>As always, thanks for your clarity. It's been a really hard day today. H put a coffee in my car this morning...was so nice that it reminded me of the man he used to be...I cried uncontrollably all the way to work. Hugz back!<p>Hi BIF, Good to hear from you. You're right. I've got to get my act together. I'm trying hard. Hugs to you too!

The truth is now out to a few more close friends...it's been the most emotional and painful experience. <p>I feel like it's SO OVER.

can you say more? did you tell these friends? how much did you tell? do they know about BS's affair or just that he moved out? have they been supportive to you?

Hi Lex, No word of the affair. Just that he has moved out. Did not point the finger at him but did become VERY emotional in the TELLING part. No matter what, when you tell friends that you've known TOGETHER for over 20 years that you've separated, it is devastating.

Hey Lex, Didn't answer all your questions. Yes, I told. Had to or else H would have stalled. The friends I've told so far are extremely SHOCKED and very supportive. Might change when they talk to him. <p>He can sway very well.

Hi Terrified,<p> I know how you feel , I really felt that once everything was out in the open it would be curtains for our relationship. The opposite happened , the truth made the A very real for my H and he had to face it squarely with alot of dispapproval. We've been in recovery for 3 years after Plan B.<p>You need to go to Plan B, and tell others you are separated and then don't be afraid to tell the truth ,(don't be mean, just factual)..... you have carried an unbelievable burden.Stop protecting him, he's been able to continue in his fantasy since it has been hidden.<p> LU

Terri,
Just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you & hoping things are looking better in terms of all the burdens you have been dealing with. Glad to hear you have let it out with your friends.
Best of luck!
HH

I agree with Lu.<p>If you are being met with disbelief or shock -- don't shoulder the blame too. I'd let people know as much as you are comfortable telling. <p>Its not fair to end up looking like the bad guy. Don't let him sway people by portraying you as the problem.<p>Get the support system YOU need.

Hello Lu, SO good to hear from you. Sometimes a ray of hope is like a candle in the darkness. You have given me that. <p>I guess what you're telling me is that I have to stick to my guns. How long were you in Plan B and how long were you separated? <p>Congratulations on your recovery.

Hi Terrified,<p> I was in Plan B for 2 weeks and really expected to be there a long, long time...honestly. I think one needs to be prepared for that.<p>When I discovered my H's affair it had been going on for 2yrs. and he was horrible to me, back and forth and angry,.....plan A was torture. One counselor told me he had never seen someone (H) so infatuated with someone else(OW)...and he suggested to be prepared to be divorced. Thank God I found this website . I counseled with Steve H. One thing I found out, T, was the more I cried became despairing etc....the angrier and the more he wanted out.<p>Start thinking about yourself NOW...get your ducks in row as far as financial (I had a separation agreement drawn up) , decide how to set up visitation,(we have 4 kids) .....He is bullying you and has not had to face any fallout or bad effects from this A. <p>Hang in there T, there is hope, LU

Ohhh Lu,<p>I am so glad you've posted to T with your story. She needs to hear this. She needs to know that drawng boundaries and telling a select few friends for support is not going to make things worse. It's going to burst your H's fantasy bubble, which BADLY needs to be done.<p>Terri,
You need to get strong. You need to do what Lu says, IMVHO. Please consider it, please!<p>Love,
Jo