well, finally BS speaks. He talks. H isnt much of a communicator. although at work he can do it, with me however, it it s different story.
Meltdown over the weekend. H explains that he has needed to talk for days. So, instead of talking, it is like an explosion! But at least somethings came out.<p>"it is all i can do for a day to get up for work, get dressed, and leave. There are days i cant hardly do THAT, i am numb, i hurt so bad all in one shot. I dont know who u r, i dont know who I am. I just know that the pain is so deep"<p>"i dont even feel that we are friends ( i did ). Neither one of us trusts the other with our hearts, feelings, beings"<p>*whew* at least i know that now this was yesterday AM) OK so then he gets here on puter and begins to read on MB (ya!) and he doesnt look at me but begins to ask questions. about contact and when it "really" ended. our realationship)OM and I), what it consisted of, how often was it sexual, how often phone calls ecte cte ect. I was "brutally" honest. i didnt hide a hting. even when he asked about "lingering" feelings that i may have for OM, and would i run OM off if he came to the door, and ect ect. well i ws honest enough to say that pysically i wouldnt have anything to do with him, but emotionally..i think there maybe lingering feelings. but i wasnt sure. he said then i had a choice to make. I could not have feelings for him (H) and OM..........i was like what??? i have to make a choice? i made a choice, i made the choice to stay here in our marriage. i cant just 'MAKE" my feelings go away. I said they have lessened a lot of the past yr, but that i cant love him if he doesnt allow me to. It was hard to love someone when they do everything theycan to keep you at a distance. I hugged him and said.." I cant love u if you dont let me"<p>wellsoooo that leaves us here at ground zero. Where to do from here. he sobbed so hard in bed last night. he aske dif i was sorry for what i did or sorry for getting caught? Ofcourse i explained that at one time i felt both of those feelings but now, im sorry for what i did. That i caused so much pain. that i took a man and destroyed him. because that is what has happened. he is lost, angry, deeply hurt.<p>he also said that he didnt know if he could get past the pain, it is too much to bear somethimes.<p>OK BS......what now? Where do we go from here? i think that I have been in recovery, but he certainly isnt anywhere close. He doesn write well, doesnt communicate well until there is a huge meltdown. So what pieces do we pick up and what do we do with them? is ther hope? Is he after 2 yrs going to be ok? <p>Thanks for listening guys,
mercy

Mercy,<p>Looks like you've been around her for quite a while, but maybe your H is new. Have him read SAA, both of you fill out the EN and LB Questionaires and go over them together.<p>Most of all, reassure him that YOU LOVE HIM, that you want him, that you HAVE made a choice and that he's it. Let him know that you made a mistake (if you're to the point of accepting that, I hope you are).<p>Consider Anti-depressants for him. He may be resistant and consider it a weekness, but let me tell you, THEY MAKE A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE. He may not even think he's depressed, but he's describing some of the symptoms...
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>it is all i can do for a day to get up for work, get dressed, and leave. There are days i cant hardly do THAT, i am numb <hr></blockquote><p>These meds are every bit as life-saving as say, chemotherapy....would he reject that if necessary? I don't think he would.<p>If he's willing, have him put some of his feelings here. I know it sounds like he's a poor communicator, but that doesn't lessen the NEED to do so. If he feels that he can't or doesn't want to confide in you, then tell him that HERE is a safe place for him to vent his feelings and get some guidance. Promise him that you won't read his posts if he wants - AND STICK TO IT.<p>I'd suggest MC for the two of you, but IMO only do so if you can get a MC who prescribes to MB principles.... The two (non-MB) that we've had have only hurt our already shaky relationship immeasurably.<p>ASK him what you can do to help. ASK him if there's something you can do or say to reassure him that you WANT to be married. Try to get him to voice his feelings...they'll do much more good on the outside than bottled up inside.<p>I haven't been, but hopefully next month.... Maybe (if you're able) attend a MB weekend (or maybe Retrouvaille). I've heard that it's good for any individualy (or a couple), plus there's a 20 week follow up course with the SR. Dr. Harley.<p>I hope this helps a little.
Kev

If you can, I would suggest you call the Harleys and set up a counceling session. If your H is unwilling to participate, do it yourself. They can answer these questions for you much better than anyone else. <p>And definatly try to get your H on anti dep meds. They will help alot.

mercy - I can feel your sincerity. I can also feel his pain.<p>ditto the recommendation for counseling, but I bet you've already attempted this. If he won't participate, do it your self to get a professional's advice. I can personally recommend S. Harley.<p>Aside from that, the best thing you may be able to do is simply validate his feelings. BSs need to feel validated and need to hear regret from the WS. Sounds like you're doing the latter, just make sure you put his feelings first even when he communicates only during meltdowns.

thank u all for the advice.<p> Ive already called an MC. im not sure of his/her principals but be assured, one falst move other wise and ill move on to find another. this marriage is zero and needs some points...good ones at that.<p>Im going to check around for pmt for harleys in a few.<p>antidepressants:.. he is very opposed, but im concerned, very concerned. I think he may agree tho, we just have to wait and see.<p>kev...do you know where to find a schedule of MB weekends? i livein colorado does he come to denver to something?? Ive been here for 2 yrs come march, and to me....ground zero was then...and it is now...for him. <p>i do validate his feelings. i just hate for it to be a total meltdown before he opens up. <p>anyhow, ty ty for your advice.
mercy

Mercy,<p>From the home page, near the top is a link to "Seminars & Workshops." That'll take you to a page outlining the various workshops that the Harleys present. We're probably interested in the first one, at the bottom of the paragraph describing it, there's a link to: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi010_wkend.html (stupid URL embedding won't work for me today). They're not going to be in Denver anytime through June, but I've found some pretty reasonable airfare to the Orlando area for the Feb. seminar. Note that the seminars are around $500 not including airfare and lodging (but it looks like we can get a good discount by mentioning the seminar).<p>Hope this helps,
K<p>P.S. Assure him that MANY of us (particularly men) have been VERY resistent to AD meds. I cannot stress enough the positive effects they've had on my life.<p>
One other note, if you call the counseling center, they'll give you a list of names and phone numbers of counselors who've informed them that they practice the MB principles....it's better than a shot in the dark in the yellow pages.<p>k<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>