First of all, I'd like to apologize to everyone for not posting much lately. I have been reading and keeping up with you. I haven't felt like I've had a lot to give... just wrapped up in my own problems... which is a very dangerous thing to do. I'm sorry. I know you are all in a whole lot of pain, and I'm so thankful for a forum like this where we can find support and advice.<p>I haven't had much of an update til now. Just waiting things out over the holidays. H finally sent me an e-mail this weekend and basically is refusing to help me financially until I agree with the D. Even though he's been helping me ever since he left, and had AGREED to continue doing so.. you know HIS half of the mortgage... duh... so he's refusing to pay HIS mortgage. hmmmm.... I knew he would play this card to get me to agree to the D. but I truly hoped he wouldn't back out completely on his financial obligations. <p>So I'm really blah today. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want a war. but I don't want to just give in to him. He thinks he did nothing wrong and it drives me crazy. I want this to be over, but I don't want to quit too soon.<p>Am I crazy? I feel like it. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I guess I just need to go see my attorney and see what I need to do to protect myself financially. I'm so thankful we don't have kids, but I promise... its not easy. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I just don't feel like doing this.... making decisions and being tough...<p>This e-mail and stance he is taking just reminds me of how much I can't believe he is doing this. Just 9 months ago, everything was wonderful. He was happy. I know he was. No one could be that good of an actor. And all our dreams and hopes together... and he can just throw it all away.<p>Well, thanks for the vent, and thank you all for everything you do for me and all the MB'ers. I'm ok. really. but I've been better... any thoughts or hugs are welcome [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . Hope you all have a good day.

Hugs to you, Faith.<p>You are not the crazy one.<p>By all means see an attorney if he is not meeting his obligations re: the mortgage. Did you have a separation agreement that divided up financial assets and debts? Who controls what now? Your attorney should be able to sift through his hollow threat to not meet his obligations unless you agree to a divorce. This is bull. You don't have to agree to anything except to meet YOUR share of any binding obligations.<p>Plan B is exactly where you should be to minimize your frustration in dealing with this stuff. Once you secure an attorney, don't even respond to e-mails - just hand them over to the attorney. Since you have no children there is really nothing you need to communicate about that the attorneys can't handle. Unfortunately this costs money, but you may have no other option.<p>WAT

Faith, I'm so very sorry this is happening. As you know, you and I are in the same boat. My H has chosen OW over me and our kids. He's insistent on a D as soon as possible, although he is not living with OW (yet, anyway). He believes all the problems we had before his A are really the reason we can't make a go of it (fog, BIG TIME). He has admitted to me recently that he is, in fact, in LOVE with OW. I'm trying so very hard to move on from recovery to acceptance, but it is hard when the BS (you and I and all the others here) have been in recovery mode for so long. I will pray for you and your H. I will pray that God will turn his heart back to where it belongs; with you. Until such time as that happens, hold your head high. I'm so sorry.....<p>MOM

Thanks WAT. Thanks for telling me I'm not crazy... although I often wonder... hehe..<p>No, we didn't have a Legal Separation Agrement. We agreed on things between us. Verbally and in writing. I guess I shouldn't have taken his word for it. Thanks for the advice. I need a kick in the butt to be tough. I haven't responded to his e-mail. It's just a threat. I still haven't been served... he just wants to agree amicably and file together with 1 lawyer. I may agree to it... his terms are pretty decent, but not great. But I definitely need to run it all past my attorney.

hugs and prayers to you...<p>No great advice as I haven't been where you are... <p>What's preventing him from filing? Does he want YOU to? <p>Seems as if he wants D, then he should go after it and forget the 1 lawyer thing... no reason you should 'share' if he no longer wants to be married... seems reasonable that you would have your lawyer and he have is... you don't have to finance his new life, nor make it easy for him at the expense of you... <p>Cali

faith1,<p>I'm sorry for you. Your H is being a pr*ck! Sorry for being blunt. His threat is a form of blackmail, plain and simple. I would take a copy of his email to your lawyer and see what he advises. He has financial obligations, and you are no way oligated to agree to a D on his terms.
It's time to play hardball. Take care.<p>sad dad

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Faith1:
<strong> so he's refusing to pay HIS mortgage. hmmmm....
I want this to be over, but I don't want to quit too soon.
Just 9 months ago, everything was wonderful. He was happy. I know he was. No one could be that good of an actor. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Oh, Sis. I'm so sorry for all your hurt. I pray for you to be Ok all the time. I can't believe how parallel our stories have been!<p>I pulled out quotes you said to point out some similarities....My WH called this MY HOME last week...as in "I wonder why you are having such troubles with that in YOUR HOUSE." I corrected him 'OUR HOUSE' but he didn't want to hear that.<p>I don't want to hear you quitting anytime too soon, either! remember, we are in this TOGETHER!! We are NOT giving up too soon. Also remember that God's timing is NOT our timing. IF we persevere through our trials, THEN we recieve the blessing. Remember that.<p>you've go to start acting "AS IF" everything he is saying and doing is OK with you. He e-mailed that to you to try to get a reaction from you. DON'T fall for it! Just say, 'OK, whatever you want.' Is there any way you can get help just for this month with paying the mortgage? Just so he thinks it doesn't bother you that he's not paying it, like he agreed to?<p>I understand the 9 months thing. Just 8½ months ago, we were just moving into our newly remodeled home, hanging pictures on the walls, making jokes about the neighbors, whatever.....it's truly like an ALIEN took over their brain!<p>I STILL believe God is going to do a miracle, and you do, too. you've just GOT to take your eyes OFF the situation and trust. DON'T LOOK AT THE STORM, and sink. Just look to Jesus.<p>Believe. Praise Him for His promises.<p>Love,

Faith,<p> I think that you should take that email to your lawyer. I would really suggest that you and your lawyer talk about a seperation agreement. He is still responsible for 1/2 of your debt while married. That includes the house, car, credit cards, and etc. You have that lawyer to protect you. I would like you to talk to your lawyer and then send me an email to tell me how it went.<p>Indy

Faith- I too had to consult with lawyers for advice when my H insisted on a divorce last spring. I discovered that my filing for a legal separation could be a good plan to prevent H from filing for D first. It could buy you more time and with that comes the possibility of WS and OW coming out of fairy tale land. I didnt choose to do that and H surprised me with D papers. But you might want to file for separation first before HE does anything.I DEFINITELY think you should use separate lawyers- no amount of saving money is worth losing your financial future over. Divorce is ADVERSARIAL in this country whether you want it to be or not. Your getting your own lawyer is part of the price your H should pay for accounting for HIS part of breaking up your marriage. I told my H that no way would I EVER agree to a simple inexpensive dissolution divorce- he and OW kept urging me to do that. I told him that if I did that I couldn't live with myself morally or spiritually- that I wasnt doing it solely for revenge on him. I told him there is NO WAY I will ever agree that our marriage has irreconcilable differences. My resoluteness finally had the desired effect- after he filed he broke down crying saying that he was making the worst mistake of his life and we are reconciling. Good luck- lifeismessy

faith1,<p>Listen to "lifeismessy", she knows her stuff. Take a stand, fight for what's important to you and most importantly, protect yourself.<p>sad dad

Thanks everyone. You are so right, and you've given me so much strength. I'll keep you posted. I e-mailed him one question for clarification so I can take everything at once to my attorney ... hopefully tomorrow.

Faith,<p>If your H refuses to pay his half of the mortgage and you default in pmt because you're strapped, your credit would take a BIG DING, which is HIS CREDIT TOO.<p>His email is a borderline blackmail tactic and demonstrates what he'll stoop to in order to get what he wants. Perhaps a sample of what may ly in the future. Please do secure your own Attorney. To share one is a conflict of interest, esp knowing H wants to use his. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Protect yourself. <p>As someone else mentioned on this thread, Divorce by nature most times is adversarial. And as WAT has pointed out, having your own attorney will help in facilitating your Plan B efforts.<p>I'm sorry about all this. I can tell from your post you're trying to be strong, but I know what you're feeling. Please know I'm thinking of you, Hon. <p>Consider yourself hugged ....<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ January 08, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Sigh,<p> D I am sorry for what that jerk is trying now. It is very difficult not to say what I really want to say about him. But I won't say it, you know anyway...lol.<p> Yes, see your own lawyer. Take any written agreements the two of you made on your own with you. Depending on the laws of your state the seperation may not have had to of been done through the legal process. If the two of you made some up a written, or even a verbal agreement, it can be and likely is binding. Play hard ball with the pr*ck. As lifeismessy said, it may bring him to his senses. But if not, you will be protecting your financial future.<p> Be strong D. WE, are gonna get through this.<p>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Faith1, D}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p> jd

I am so sorry to hear about how he is behaving. I am afraid I am in the same boat.<p>My H is telling everyone that he is taking care of all the finances--but in reality--he quit over 2 months ago. I keep trying to send the creditors to him...but he has managed to get his name off two of our accounts--so now they are in my name only. What a mess.<p>He also wants the divorce--tells his family that he is willing to do anything to help us start over--a bunch of crap.<p>I advise you to definitely get a lawyer....your own lawyer. Please watch out for your own interests. Take Care