I've been scouring these boards, but have been having trouble finding anyone in my shoes, or at least close...<p>Early Background info...<p>I have been with my husband for about 10 years, 4 of those married. We met our junior year of high school and have been together ever since. I went away to school (3 hr drive), he stayed home and went to school. We talked every night, saw eachother nearly every weekend if not every other. We were engaged while I was still in school and married almost a year after I returned home. He never lived away from home until we were married (financial reasons, saving money for "us"). Anyhow, he had an EA after 8 mos of marriage...older, married woman who would be classified as a "user." We got through it, realized I was taking him for granted and he was pushing me away because of all the responsibility that come with marriage and living daily life. Over a year and 1/2 later we had a baby boy...born with special needs, an uncertain diagnosis (missing his corpus collosum), needs therapy, etc, thriving and seems typical now (he is 2), but threw me into "protective mommy role." I all about pushed my husband aside and put my full attention into my son...when he was 18 mos old I finally quit my career....I couldn't handle someone else raising my shild, I wanted to be the one there fo him all of the time. My hubby was reluctant, but knew how bad I wanted it. I quit, hubby's job is wiped out, but he gets a promotion to different position at new store (retail). A woman is offish to him, he feels he has to "win her over" and to be accepted at all costs by the people at this store. October I feel like something is really wrong, turns out hubby doesn't know what he wants, basically wants no home responsibility, gets all satisfaction from work, we start counselling. I am SURE that something bad is hapening with a particular woman. I JUST know. I confront him, I'm being paranoid apparently. This is totally different than 1st EA...no appearance change, no pushing away, more communication between us, etc. I go visit a friend for a weekend...he has sex with this woman. Says it was like slam bam over. In a 3 week time period he has sex with her 2 more times in her car after work. A few other times they kissed. He says it was nothing and like it wasn't him. He quit the PA the 1st week of December (1st physical part happend week before thanksgiving) and stops talking to her except when he has to for business. The opportunity arise in the middle of december, she tries to kiss him and he tells her that it's wrong. They "officially" end things that night, he is home really late and I confront him and he tells all. Answers every single one of my questions. Says he knows what he wants, how important we are to him, how stupid he was, blah blah...cries for days, says there was no "love" that everyone here keeps talking about. All they talked about were sports and work and sex was "feelingless." My gut believes him (my gut is rarely wrong) and I want to stay to work things out. I see my part that has gotten us here and he sees his part. But I am scared to death that something in him is going to "let" him do this again. He admits that he needs help, he wants help... and my story is getting way too long!!! I feel like (from all that he said prior to the PA) that he was doubting his life, one full of family and responsibility, and desired one with no restrictions, no cause and effect...just do whatever the heck he wants. He said when he knew that he had a good chance of me walking out the door and never turning back and taking our son with me, that he realized then and there what was important to him and will do whatever it takes to keep that. I was very angry, but it didn't surprise me since I knew our marriage was already in trouble. We are both very hurt. I am most hurt by the visuals since we were eachother's "first and onlies" in so much...sex included. And our sex life is VERY good (well it was off and on for the past year). I also know that I might've been the one to have the affair if the opportunity had jumped in my lap. There is just so much hurt and confusion. We both know what we want, but how do I get past the resentment? And how does he learn how to open up so these feelings don't eat him alive? We have been talking A LOT, have answered the surveys on this sight and have found out a lot of scary things (like how judgmental I have been, which has in turn been why he just tells me what I want to hear). I believe we are both on the same page now, but I am scared that he is going to get scared off by all of this "added responsibility." I go back to work fulltime in a few weeks. Daily life with our son and regualr life will be hectic...any advice on how to keep going and moving forward? I am not even thirty yet and feel like things just keep hitting us...<p>I apologize for the length and typos.

Forgot to mention that I feel like he is for real because the day after this all came to light, he told the OW that it was over not just because it wasn't right, but because he loves his wife and son and that's what he wants. She didn't care and was like "whatever." Turns out she does this all of the time...apparently my husband is an easy target. Hubby also told his brother and sister what he had done, how we are fighting to stay together, etc. He also talks to my sister who we are both very clse to. I can tell he is honestly appalled with what he did and how awful it was. He is brutally honest in telling me that during the beginning he felt like nothing, didn't feel good or bad with me or with OW...just didn't care.

first step would be to make sure the EA has stopped. I'd trust your gut like you have and share your feelings of hurt betrayl, etc. without the LB. IMO, One thing I think is important for people is to live by themselves before they get into a relationship. Sound like your H didn't do that so he never discovered who he really was or may have been unable to provide for his own happiness. I would see a MC to discuss that as well as look into your Hs childhood, since this is his 2nd time did one of his parents have an affair? Did he ever learn how to devalue woman etc? He'll need to face those childhood demons if he had them to assure that it never happens again. Good luck with going back to work and with your son. You sound real reasonable and level headed and trust that you'll be able to find a balance.

Hi!<p>I feel like I have a special responsibility to reply to this - I myself was someone who lived at home until I was married. Same with my WW.<p>Was it to blame for our current situation? Yes and no. Yes in that we probably were a bit too immature because of it - probably both in different ways - I've been nothing but faithful to her, but she's obviously had some problems - and as she's said over and over recently, "everything comes back to bite you in the a$$".<p>But "no" in that I don't care how immature or unable to understand one's self you are because you happened to live at home until you married, everyone has to accept something: we're all responsible for our own actions, and YES, everything we do WILL come back to bite us in the a$$. So, using the "I was immature", "I should have spent time on my own", etc. - sure, might have been nice, but we all make our choices, and we can't claim powerlessness in the face of them. That's too much like a 5-year-old screaming "Mommy! Mommy! Bobby stepped on my toe!" Sorry, but "boo hoo" - we're all adults here.<p>Ha! I'm in a ripe mood today [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . But in principle, I do agree that one SHOULD live on their own for a while - I'll certainly encourage my future kids to do so. And hey, WW and I may end up doing it at some stage anyway - if and when it's time for Plan B [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

PatV...
EA is Emotional Affair (no sex involved)
PA is Physical Affair (sex involved)
EMA is Extra Marital Affair (could be EA or PA)<p>weRtrying<p>Welcome to MB. I am sorry that you feel a need to be here but this is the right place under the circumstances. I've included some links below to get you started learning your way around the site and through the material.<p>As for people being in your same shoes... Just about everyone here has experience some of the same parameters you are going through. While you may find it hard to find one person with a mirror story, there are plenty whose stories are close enough.<p>Affairs usually happen because a spouse's needs are not met for an on going period. This does not excuse the affair. You and your H share equally in the state of your marriage. However, your H is totally responsible for his affairs. From what you have written here it seems you understand that you share in the responsibility for the state of your marriage. But you seem to be taking some responsibility for his actions. Do not do this, it could lead him to believe that he has an excuse to cheat.<p>I think that an analysis as to whether or not your H's never being on his own contributes to the affairs is irrelevant. Immaturity does make a person more likely to indulge in bad behavior. What is relevant is that he is a married man with a family. It’s time for him to start acting like a responsible adult. <p>I suggest that you start by reading the book “Surviving an Affair”. This book will start to teach you and you H how to recover from his affairs and to affair proof your marriage. Keeping a marriage affair proof is the conscious choice, made daily by both spouses. Affairs do not just happen… people choose to have them. Sure they are filling a need, but there are other ways to get those needs filled. <p>Hope this gets you started…<p>Here are some links to get you started:<p>WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000940<p>General Welcome for All New Builders<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553<p>Notable Posts/Threads <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html<p>Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000557