I think we are in recovery, but am not sure. H had EA. All contact ended 11/30/01 (I discovered EA and we both agreed to no contact and work on marriage, but if I had not discovered affair would still be going on). They worked together. My H was going to quit and then when boss found out what had happened he decided to move OW to a different location about 1/2 hour away and keep him where he is now. Sort of a messy ending - OW badmouthed H and said he pursued her and it wasn't fair she was being transferred, etc. So it ended on a sour note (although H admits he misses talking to her).<p>The past 6 weeks have been really tough. We have been to a MC 5 times. H has moved out on 2 occasions. First time was to get some breathing room because we weren't getting anywhere talking about why things felt so bad. After 2 nights he came home and was willing to work. He missed me and didn't want to lose what we have. Second time he left he was gone 3 nights (a few days before x-mas weekend). Same thing -he called me constantly saying he missed and loved me, didn't want to lose what we had. He came home and things were fine for a few days.<p>Now things are getting bad again. I have read HNHN and am trying to meet his EN's. We have both done the questionaire's. He acknowledges that I am meeting his needs. But, he is not interested in meeting my most important need (affection and to feel safe). I try to keep quiet and hope he will come around. I have asked for a few specific things that he do.... one is to wear his wedding ring (he has to take it off for work and used to put it back on, but now he just "forgets" all the time), another is for affection, like small token gifts, notes, plan a date, back rub. He says he just doesn't feel like doing these things. Although he enjoys having sex and doing rec activities together (meeting his needs).<p>H is not a talker. He would rather sweep things under the rug. I discovered yesterday he was looking on the internet about child support required amounts. He says he was just curious because I had researched this when I found out about EA and he though maybe I was lying because it was a high $$ amount. I asked why if we are working it out would he be thinking about this. He says he wants to work things out, but he doesn't know why he's so unhappy. He's worried he will never be happy with me again and sometimes thinks about divorce. I told him about phone counseling with the Harley's and he told me today he would consider it.<p>I am so tired of busting my butt to meet his needs and not LB. Does anyone have any insite here? I feel like I'm about empty inside and if this is the way he's going to be, why should I stay in this marriage. We have 2 young kids (I know that's my reason to stay), but I want our happiness back. Why is it when he leaves for a few days he comes back so loving and appreciative? I have ordered the book SAA and will get it this week. I asked if he would read it with me and he said he would. I don't think he is having contact with OW. Is he still going thru withdrawel? Please help me.

In the worst case, there's still contact going on. This could be why he's waffling. I certainly can't be sure, but you can't be sure either that the affair is over. Looking for child support info is a real sign.<p>Unless you are ABSOLUTELY SURE that he's ended it, propose to him that he write a "no contact" letter to OW. You have to see it and see it mailed.<p>Now, if I'm wrong about the contact, he may simply be in withdrawal and it's a positive sign that he admits missing her because that is likely the truth. Plan A your butt off and have patience.<p>But, my money's on continued contact. Sorry, but based on your description it's a real threat.<p>I hope you get other opinions.

Thanks for the reply. I have thought about continued contact also. Of course he swears that is not the case. The only way he could be contacting her is phone calls at work. His time is pretty much accounted for otherwise. His manager at work really came down on her (she was the big pursuer it sounds like) and told her not to come to the job site again. My H says she is not the issue of why he is unhappy. He says he just doesn't know why. Should I try to find out secretly if there's contact (not sure how I would). Or is it better to just plan A and hope he comes around. I'm having a hard time being nice when he doesn't reciprocate. He did put his ring on last night because I asked him to. I tried to talk about his feelings and what was making him unhappy, but he just got irritated. He said he's sorry he's being such an a**h*** and so wishy washy. Any other thoughts???

Yes, it might be contact, or it might be withdrawal, or it just might be that he's still "confused". Confusion is pretty universal, and most WS need to work themselves out of it themselves.<p>It was described to me like this: at one end of the spectrum, the WW knows they want a divorce. At the other end, they know they want to make the M work. Everywhere in between is confusion. So confusion isn't bad necessarily - it's kind of a required element. What to do? Plan A and time. Absolutely no LB. It's been working for me to date.

I'm going through similar circumstances and feelings. My wifes A ended almost 4 weeks ago, it didn't die a natural death, I found out and after a few lies that it was over I had enough and ended it. At times I wonder if it's really over but I honestly think it is. My wife wants the marriage to work but says she doesn't have the "in love" feelings for me. We discussed emotional needs and she said she isn't ready for me to meet them. Counseling is going well and we are becoming good friends (I made changes in myself that I didn't realize I should have made years ago). I know how you feel about giving up, don't do it, I found myself focusing on all the negative times we are going through and not seeing that my wife is making changes, focus on the positive. The withdrawl is brutal and lasts for awhile, It makes you feel terrible to think your spouse could have those feelings for someone else. Those feelings aren't real, as time goes on your H will realize this, but now he is only thinking of the good times he had with the OW, odds are they weren't together enough to face real world problems, affairs are generally fantasy that never last. My wife made some very hurtful comments to me when the affair was first discovered, she is now saying that she thinks her true feelings for the OM weren't as strong as she thought. I still worry everyday and pray her feelings will return, It's hard when your trying to carry the marriage and not having any of your own EN met. Stay strong, if you think there is still contact do what you have to to find out, until the A ends your H can't honestly try to work on trying to save your marriage
Good Luck
Stay Strong

You can just about bet your last dollar that he's still seeing her. "I'm confused" is just the cheater's way of saying, "I want both of you and that's what I'm going to have for as long as I possibly can."<p>Also -- you'd be amazed what they can do with time that you *think* is "accounted for."<p>Tell him you want access to his voice mail, pager, and work e-mail -- whatever he's got. Don't let him tell you it can't be done. It can.<p>If he refuses, there's your answer.