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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 322
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 322 |
Just a ?, What does anyone think about little white lies from their H. or W. after an affair. My H. has a cd I know was made by the OW. and he said he copied it from our D.
I asked her but she said he had it before and I know she made it for him because he had the jacket it for it and it had her perfume on it. Since I questioned him the jacket is gone. Should I ask him about it? He hasn't had contact with her but I know those songs remind him of her. And it doesn't make me trust him more. He doesn't really believe in the total honesty bit, not if something might hurt someone and it's a big issue for me, he just doesn't see it. please advise before I make a mountain out of a molehill, things have been going pretty well for us and I don't want to rock the boat about about something small. Thanks for any advice!
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815 |
Hi, i'm with you, total honesty is essential! My WH was doing the same thing, not major issues, just little lies to avoid conflict. I really LB in a bad way, but I finally helped him see that any little lie about any little thing would set off alarms in my head. I imagine the worst and then treat him as if he was still cheating. He gets it now, but it took some major meltdowns before he did. Be honest and expect no less from him! Prayers to you, Ladysing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 54
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 54 |
I'd strive for complete honesty, he needs to know that you are uncomfortable with lies as we all are and that to make your marriage works he needs to do his best to put you at ease. being honest is the first step for me. I don't think your too hard on him, I would demand it.
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 322
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 322 |
Thanks for the answers, I feel in my heart I am right but he is so good at turning things around and making ME feel guilty I usually withdraw and then he gets mad at me for that. He is still at work, working crazy hours, so it is very hard to talk to him, but he never calls me during the day at all, no contact and if I call him he doesn't want to talk long, I know he is under pressure at work, but with the OW he was online and on the phone constantly. So that's another thing I need to address with him but am sick of feeling like I am begging him. It's so easy to LB isn't it? Thank God I found this site, or I would be crazier than I am! Thanks for listening.
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 54
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 54 |
It's hard not to LB, particularly when he is making you feel guilty. One thing that might work for you when you feel like withdrawing is to tell him you need time to think about what he just said so you dont respond angrily then write a "love letter" as described by John Gray in Men are From Mars/women from Venus. This helps you use "I" messages and better express your feelings. One thing too is to appreciate his efforts as hard as it is but if he showing signs of opening up then please try. Guys need to be appreciated for anything they do, especially in the areas where we suck such as expressing our emotions in a loviing way if we aren't feeling lved ourselves.
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