I'd like to join the group! I've been reading this forum for several weeks and its time to add my mess. I'm emotionally taxed and although I've been seying a C for months, I need another outlet. My wife started her EA in August with OM whom they lost their virginity to each other when they were 16. He got back in touch with her thru classmates.com although they lived in diff. towns. He lives out of state and they roundevoused in SLC Sept. 21 for the 1st time. I found out she flew to SLC that weekend, 10 days after Worl trade Center, I guess they wanted to be together real bad! Had sex that weekend as I was later told by my WS. I didn't ask how many times or how it was but that was the time I took of my wedding ring. She had hers off before she told me she wanted a sep. for her time and space. I moved out of house then before I knew of EA to honor her request and once I found out about EA, I still allowed her to stay in house. My wife told me that she loved this man who is also married and has 2 sons 7&8 and wanted to move back to WIS. and marry him. She was willing to leave our sons (7&11) with me. What drives a woman to leave her own sons behind? OM flew here to se her for her BDay, Oct. 19, his wife found out about EA 4 days before he came here and he still came. His wife become highly suicidal so his weekend was cut short. That was One good thing. My wife has told me that the EA was stopped at the end of NOv. which I believe because she tried to take her life that week. She is now taking anti-depressants. So I think Plan A has worked. Worse thing I said to WS during affair was that she was a f**king liar. The lies can be some of the worse actions to endure! My wife still has no interest in reconciliation. I refinanced our house to buy her out so the boys could have stability in their lives (rather than selling) and she bought her new house DEc. 21. I helped her move, hook up stuff, etc. now over the last 3 weekends. I feel used and like a doormat but keeping telling myself its what a caring supportive husband should do. She tells me that OM will forever be in her heart and that she cares for me deeply but doesn't love me. I'm hoping that changes as time creates a chasm between her and OM. However, I waver daily whether to leave because of the lies, the cheating, her heart will forever be elsewhere and the thought og her leaving our boys. I also very much still love her and don't want to cheat our boys by being too impatient and leaving our marriage when maybe we can work it out. She doesn't want to see MC bt has told me she will starte seeing C for herself. God, I hope she does, she doesn't know who she is. I'd like to hear from WW on how long it might take for her to consider getting back into our marriage? I'm 39 and she's 38. Like most of you, I would never have imagined this would happened. I do take responsibility for not meeting her ENs but she never told me as we neer fought and she was a conflict avoider so she kept it in. How do you survive in limbo while waiting for your spouse to decide yor future? Seeing that she now has her own house, I think I might be in limbo for a long time. I asked her if she has given any more thought to a D and she has said yes and I asked why and it was because she felt it wouldn't be fair to me because she couldn't give me her love like before. I thinking she is waiting for OM to recontact her since he has started anew job in KY and it appears like his wife will not be joining him. What do I do? stick it out or file for divorce. Everything is already divided thru mediation and I'm paying child support per our parenting agreement which we are implementing voluntarily.

Welcome,<p>My WH is with HS school heart after 20 years....WH is also conflict avoider....as far as limbo...you just do it. There are many reason that the BSer's here do it, they are as varied as the numbers posting.<p>The support that you get here is awesome, don't know how I would handle all of this without my friends here. They are or have been in the same place that we are and they are not like our other friends, just hoping that we will shut up about it soon or avoiding us altogether. So continue to come here and post.<p>Dawn

thanks for the welcome Dawn. How long have you been in Limbo? I'm concerned since she has her own house now that I'm out of site out of mind except for our dealings with the boys. In other ways, she needs to experience what it would be like to be on her own. I doubt she is going to try to meet other guys as her love will always be for the OM so in respects I've stopped being the chaser and am hoping that she will become the chaser. But I'll always wonder how strong a relationship will be when WS heart is always for the OP?

Dear Angling,<p>Wow, deja vu. My son's situation began much like yours, even the flying back and forth. After 15 years my DIL contacted her old HS sweetheart whom she thought she was once going to marry until he dumped her many years ago. S never know about this xBF. Evidentally WDIL held feeling for xBF all this time. A has been in progress 11 months, separated 9 months when WW moved to OM's state in May after filing for D. Son recently relocated there; is finding his own apt. as WW asked him to move out of her place. Three year old son involved. DIL will not stop seeing OM whom she has known and cared about for almost 20 years. OM lives in the same apt conplex as WDIL. She and S have been together 9 years, married 6. <p>I am so sorry for what you are going through. You do not deserve the pain and disrespect she is putting you and the children through. If you still have enough love for your W that you can wait at least for awhile, read the information about plan A and plan B. Which plan do you prefer at this time? Have you used plan A yet? Have you read Surviving An Affair? I strongly suggest it.<p>If you are willing to wait this out, try not to think in terms of influencing WW one way or the other. She is not listening. She is swept up in the addictive emotions of the A. Anything you do or say will be perceived as a threat to the realtionship with OM, and she will resist, even blame you. Accept that she is going to keep on doing what she's going to do anyway, and concentrate on your health and the children's. In a few month's you will probably know which action you need to take. Don't rush the divorce. Let her take any legal action. But get an attorney now, especially as it seems you might be the parent to get physical custody of your kids. <p>Acknowledge your grief and become familiar with the steps in grief recovery. Continue your C sessions with or without WW. The stress will get you rundown if you don't take care of yourself. Patience, patience. There is always hope. <p>I do worry about this kind of an affair - one rekindled with OP that the WS already knows very well. It's not like getting to know a new person then deciding he/she is not suitable. WS already knows he/she has feeling for OP. My DIL shows no sign of being willing to sever ties with OM, and my son is wearing out after 11 months of disrespectful behavior and lies. <p>But you don't give up Angler, especially if you have not done a strong plan A. If that shows no results in say 6 months, then consider plan B, absolutely NO contact with WS.<p>Take it slow and steady. Keep busy so you have less time to dwell on A. Continue to be a great role model for your kids. Come here to pour out you frustration so as not to LB WW. Stay hopeful as you plan A. <p>Wishing you well,
Estes<p>PS: Like you, my son helped WW pack for her move away from him, a very loving, pain-filled thing to do. DIL took their little boy with her to new state. I'm glad you have your kids.

Angling,<p>I just had a whole post typed and lost it, haven't done that in a long time.<p>Anyways the jest of it was...been in limbo for almost a year I guess. It's been har, I've chosen to do it for many reasons though. I am and have always been a Christian. (I wear a bracelet that has FROG stamped on it, Fully Rely On God) I have put my martial problem into the Lords hands for His will to be done, not mine, yes I do get inpatient. I believe that my WH has a disease, illness, addiction however you look at it, he needs my love and support at this time, so that is what I do.<p>I truly believe that my WH is having a major MLC, he turned 40, had been on a remote tour for a year (He is in the AF) no family responsibility, had to make rank or his AF career was over, was e mailing HS GF while on remote, started EA without realizing what he was doing. I did find a good sight that has helped me with some of the MLC, granted it's a males MLC look but thought that you might like to look at it. http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html<p>It truly is amazing to me how blind a WS is, What they are losing, how the OP is contolling them (The only support they get is from OP, for leaving their family)<p>Dawn

A4A,<p>You ask some good questions, and make some familiar comments. I'm not a WS. but I can fill in some of the blanks.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Angling4Answers:
What drives a woman to leave her own sons behind?<hr></blockquote>Unmet EN's can drive people to do things that the rest of the world finds incomprehensible. I reccomend you read Surviving an Affair (SAA), it will give you great insight on how strong EN's can be. A large portion of the information in SAA can be found on this website. Look You can also look at history and what men have given up for the love of a woman. It works both ways. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I feel used and like a doormat but keeping telling myself its what a caring supportive husband should do.<hr></blockquote>This sounds like Plan A. That's how I feel most of the time. Keep in mind that you need to take care of yourself as well. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I waver daily whether to leave because of the lies, the cheating, her heart will forever be elsewhere and the thought og her leaving our boys. I also very much still love her and don't want to cheat our boys by being too impatient and leaving our marriage when maybe we can work it out.<hr></blockquote> That is a decision you have to make. If you think you can get passed this and fill her EN's then I would reccomend you read about Plan A/Plan B and work Plan A for a while. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I do take responsibility for not meeting her ENs but she never told me as we neer fought and she was a conflict avoider so she kept it in.<hr></blockquote>You can't meet needs you don't know about. Communication may be an issue here, but you have come to the right place to learn how to fullfill the needs she has, if you know what they are. Would seh fill out the Emotional Needs Questioneer (ENQ)? <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>How do you survive in limbo while waiting for your spouse to decide yor future? Seeing that she now has her own house, I think I might be in limbo for a long time.<hr></blockquote>Get out your calendar and fill up every minute. Stay as busy as possible. Spend time with the kids. Learn the MB concepts, and improve yourself with Plan A. The waiting is the hardest part. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I asked her if she has given any more thought to a D and she has said yes and I asked why and it was because she felt it wouldn't be fair to me because she couldn't give me her love like before.<hr></blockquote> Many WS try this to get both BS and WS off the roler coaster. Mine tried this a couple weeks back. Is sucks, don't buy into it. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What do I do? stick it out or file for divorce.<hr></blockquote>Again, your call. As I told Torizo a day or two back: "If we file today, it is probably the LB of all time. There is realy no turning back after that. I like to keep my options open. As long as I don't file I have specific options. If I file, those options dissapear. Others come about, but not the ones I have now."<p>Just somthing to think about.<p>Thanks,
Rev.<p>P.S. I'd like you to look at this:Need Suggestions And the link to "My wifes side of the story" below.

Hi, I am a WW. I had an A recently and I have noticed a remarkable recovery in my marraige. My H rubs my hair now; cooks me dinner; shows me a smile on his face; tries really hard to show me his soft side. He did not call me for two days and I was worried. When I talked to him, he was cool and collective like there was no problem.. and it really made me open my eyes. All that was goign through my head was "I COULD LOSE THIS MAN ANY SECOND." I don't know what your W's EN's are, but maybe you could start with small things. I told my H that we need to treat each other like every time we seen each other was our first date. Show each other respect. It has worked for us. These are all just baby steps but I was surprised on what those little things did to my heart. I was so drawn to him, and wanted to end my A. I know things can't change overnight so I wait patiently. And of course he is waiting for certain signs from me too that meet his EN's. I hope this helps you. Often I have said to myself, that if everyone in the world was blind the only thing that would matter was what the person said in communication and how gentle their touch was.

Thanks folks and BMWM, I'd like to rub my wifes hair and back and do the gentle things for her but she won't let me in. I read the Book the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. I was an act of services guys where I did all the grocery shopping, did landry on weekends, picked up the kids from day care, did 50% of the cooking even did the toilets and vacuumed a couple of times a month. that was my way of showing love by taking the burden of chores off her shoulders, unfortunately my wifes love language was words of affirmation because her self esteem was low. So I was speaking spanish when she wanted french. I look back and think I didn't do enough of the petting, encouragement, etc. but we never fought and she never expressed her needs to me. Obviously she thought it would be easier to leave me and have her needs met by old BF than tell me what she wanted. He wasn't interested in meeting her needs as she became extremely clingy and needy with him. Now she is lost and confused and all I cna do is be Patent and wait.