For 8.5 years I have been waiting for my FH to join me in marriage. We have had parenting issues (talking nice can get you somewhere- not yelling every time you open your mouth), H uses drugs- would not stop; does not communicate- shuts me down every time I want to get close; Is 90%sterile- won't deal with it and I would love to have children with him...????; turns every negative feeling he has into anger- has walls up- still won't let me in. AUG/01 I came home from a trip with my two sisters and my dad and told my husband right away that I had an affair with OM. I explained to him that I was not happy in my life and that I did not want him to change for me at all. I was moving out with my two sons. I needed to make myself happy. When I came home and told him all of this, I really thought I was going to see the back of him one more time and that would be it...D-day.. but he shocked me. He admitted to me that he has not been a good H.... said he liked his friends more than me because they smoke and I do not; said he liked me going and volunteering because then he had the house to himself to **; said he would QUIT ** if it meant keeping me, and he has. My H decided that it would be a better idea if he moved out (NOV/01), so the children would not be disrupted. I lied saying there was no sex involved until the DEC30. I could not take the lieing anymore. DEC1 I said that I would cut all contact with OM. And I did, but not until DEC18. In those 18 days, the OM sent me 31 long stem red roses to my work for my birthday and sent beatitful lamb slippers. Big deal, right? Well, we are not living together so I brought the presents home and lied to my H when he asked who they were from. I said that my GF's bought me the roses and he said WOW. I told him that I bought the slippers. I have received a Christmas present as well. It was two turtleneck sweaters and a bottle of perfume. If my H knew this.. well he does not know this. But this weekend we spent the entire weekend together afer a long 10 days with him just finding out that I had sex with the OM. I asked him if he could talk to me and love me with his soft side... and we had the time of our life. Last night, he lay in my bed sighing...so I ask "What is wrong?" He wants fine details of what happened with the OM. I tell him fine details. He asked me if there was anything else that I would like to tell him. I said there were other things but I did not know if they were "things" that he needed to know. <p>So my questions is....Are these presents and lies issues that I should share with him? I am willing to tell him anything, but where do you stop? When can you leave the past in the past and start living in the marriage that you have always wanted?

Hi and welcome to MB. <p>How familiar are you with the basic concepts? There is an emotional needs questionnaire and the book his needs/her needs would be good for both of you to read. <p>Your questions about how much to tell, the lies and the presents need to be addressed right away. It may be good to have a session with Steve or Jennifer or a local MC or IC. <p>You need to level with your H. Especially if he is trying also. Put yourself in his shoes, if the tables were turned, would you want him to be honest with you and how much? REally be honest about this. <p>I think if you both read the basic concepts and you let him know that due to your hurt, you did withhold the truth and lied to him but now you want to come clean, then maybe he would be able to handle the truth. <p>Often the WS makes the assumption to lie under the pretense of not wanting to hurt the BS. In reality the WS are more afraid of getting caught or having to answer for their actions. It is not my place to know which you are, but you would need to know. <p>Read up and hope it works out for you and your H. Having you both work towards the same goal gives you a better advantage than most here. <p>Take Care,
L.

I think it is great that you are in the process of rebuilding your marriage. Obviously your H loves you much more than you thought. He is willing to fight for you. That is wonderful. But by lying, you are not giving him a fair chance to understand the big picture. You already know this...<p>I commend you for telling him outright. Some WS's really struggle with confessing because it usually means terminating their affair. Since you didn't anticipate your H's response, my guess is that you didn't plan on letting go of the OM so soon either, which explains the 18 days! Were you able to get rid of the OM? Is H still treating you well?<p>By accepting OM's gifts, you are sending OM a strong message--that it is ACCEPTABLE for him to continue in this behavior. <p>If one of your lies gets exposed before you have a chance to speak up, it could set your H back to square one questioning whether he can trust you or if the affair is truly over. I don't think it is over (emotionally), if you accept any more of OMs gifts. If you are serious about saving your marriage, then right when/if any more gifts arrive, it would be a good time to let OM know that you are really interested in repairing your marriage and cannot continue further contact or accept any more gifts.<p>I know it all took you by surprise, but it's never too late to right a wrong. You have my support and encouragement! Don't be afraid. What ever you do, don't wait months or years. If you really want to clear the air, go for it now, while everything is fairly fresh.<p>[ January 08, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Something that is still bothering me about your post is that when your H asked if there is anything else you wanted to tell him, he was giving you an opportunity to tell him something. I have a feeling it is something he ALREADY KNOWS but wanted to see if you could tell him the truth...<p>When I can't live with deceit, I go to my H and I just say, "Honey I LIED. I'm sorry. I was afraid to tell you before but I spent 200 instead of 100..." or whatever it is... Just spit it out cuz if you read about all the BS's who post here who are super sleuths, I bet what he wants to know, he already knows, and is just waiting for you to prove to him that you are trustworthy from this point forward.

For 8.5 years I have been waiting for my FH to join me in marriage.
What is an FH?<p>I said there were other things but I did not know if they were "things" that he needed to know.
You don't need to protect him from what has already happened. He is a big boy now and let him decide what he wants to hear. It will hurt BUT it will hurt him so much more if you lie about it to him.<p>
I am willing to tell him anything, but where do you stop?
Where he decides he wants you to stop.<p>When can you leave the past in the past
When he decides you can.<p>He was the one who was lied to and you have to be the one to prove to him you are not lying anymore. He will ask you again & again the same thing. This is because he wants to believe you. Tell the truth and you won't have to worry about it "coming out the wrong way." Try to change your story to "protect" him & the next time he asks you it will come out differently.<p>None of this is negating anything he has done in the marriage (drugs & such.) These need to be dealt with also.<p>[ January 08, 2002: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>

FH= Faithful Husband. Thank you for your replies.