Hi,<p>I have just talked to SIL. She had seen H yesterday. Told me H is annoyed about not being able to discuss about the kids face to face,personally, the whole thing is too awkward for him.
SIL said H had been talking about the relationship with OW, that it's just for convienience, not serious , not for long term, that it's not a healthy relationship,better to have someone than no one...!!!!!WHAT'S HE DOING?????IS this fog crap or what???!!!!Lies to make him look innocent?
I wonder how the OW sees the relationship???<p>And that him not wanting to make the M work and his relationship with OW are totally separate issues!!!It's not the case he's chosen OW over me and the boys.
SIL has fallen for all this crap, and told me this is the way it is. I get a feeling H is brainwashing them now to think I am the horrible person, who couldn't keep my M together. Well, I might not have been perfect, but I haven't had an A going for the last 1,5 years.
I don't know what to do, I feel like it's best not to talk to or see H's relatives, I am so upset about this.SIL is such a nice person, but H is her brother, blood's always thicker, in the end.
Anyone, any suggestions??

BIF,<p>Never heard of a WS who liked Plan B. It’s not for the WS, it’s for you. To help you get some distance and start separating. If in the mean time, he decides he wants to work on your marriage, then it’s his choice. <p>How did you explain Plan B to him and to your SIL?<p>Yep, convenience????? Since when are people conveniences? He is either lying to make it look like he did not break up the marriage or he is lying and he broke up the marriage for the WS. Either way he looks bad…. Walking all over people for his own convenience. I would believe that the convenience story is correct… since we know that make affairs do not result in long-term relationships. It is amazing how people (SIL) can accept the excuse “I’m just using someone.”<p>If this ever comes up again with SIL you may want to point out that your H chose this path, not you. You are only trying to deal with it in the best way you know how to. I am sure it is awkward for him. His affair and the way he left is more then awkward for you. I am sure that it is hard for you to have sympathies at this time.
Yes their blood bond is thicker… this is very typical. So it’s probably better to start distancing yourself from his family. They are your children’s extended family so it’s important to keep the ties as healthy as possible. But it sounds like your SIL is choosing sides. Unless you have the kind of relationship with your SIL in which you can bear your heart and really open up to her just keep it superficial with her in the future. One of the saddest things about divorces is that it divides families. The loses are greater then just one’s spouse.

A big ditto to Zorweb.<p>Very few understand Plan A/B outside of the MB community - especially those looking to explain alien abductions. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>No question your H is "brainwashing" those close to him - he has to to validate the self-brainwashing he's already done. He's recruiting allies and there's no benefit in BSs trying to counter these actions. Let time do it for you.

I always assumed that they were supposed to hate it. Kind of like a kid who is grounded.

Z,
You're right about distancing myself from H's family. I have been thinking about this already, and have decreased contact. It's hard, because I haven't got any of my family in the country.
H received my plan B letter a month ago, SIL doesn't know anything about the plans.
She will be moving to Europe soon, so we will have more distant relationship anyway.<p>WAT,
H is going through an alien abduction third time in his life. He's also very talented brainwasher.
And the justifications never seem to end... The guilt must be killing him.

KS,
H expected things going as quietly and easily as with his 2nd D. Funny how WSs seem to push for the "move on" and when BSs do and go to plan B, they aren't happy either. Their problem...<p>Thanks for your replys.

Hi Bears,<p>Well, I'll tell ya .... your H has tried to make your SIL believe he moved out because of his unhappiness in the marriage AND THEN he hooked up with OW. And this "OW convenience" thing, he's trying to downplay their relationship to SIL which backs up his claim that he didn't leave you and the kids for OW. Doesn't he just suck rocks!<p>Sorry SIL has bought into it. I wouldn't try and desuade her views right now, Bears. I can guarantee you that time will straighten it all out. The truth ALWAYS prevails. <p>I think maybe it's best you do your best to emotionally detach from in-laws for a short term. I felt I needed to do the same thing, and to my surprise, they pretty much Plan B'd me, until just recently that is.<p>I'm really sorry about this SIL and H crap, Bears. I know it hurts ....... just try and understand your H will do and say things to try and vindicate or redeem himself from looking like the bad guy. If he didn't feel guilty he wouldn't be telling these manipulative lies. <p>BTW: All the things you're experiencing, I went thru too. ughhhh!<p>Love to you Bears.<p>Jo<p>[ January 08, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hi Jo, thanks for your reply. Good and wise words, like always from you.<p>I got to talk more with SIL today. It was just a hasty phone conversation yesterday, but this morning we sat down to talk and clear some possible misunderstandings.
SIL seemed to soften a bit today (maybe alienH's hypnotizing is starting to wear off??!!)She was more on the neutral ground.<p>SIL sees it's final, H has made up his mind.He doesn't want me back, never mentioned the D, but anyway, it's over between him and me.<p>H had agreed the relationship is not very loving with OW. They are just using each other(sounds like an A on it's roughest...) OW will move on when a better guy comes along.
There hasn't been only 2 break ups between OW and H, more like 3 or 4, and OW's broken it off too. Not suprised now why H's head's still spinning...<p>H is thinking "who will want a father of five???"<p>About me H didn't have anything positive to say to SIL anyway(All plan A'ng wasted??!!!)<p>H is still angry at me. The main thing is I poisoned the relationship between him and his F and StepM.

SIL thinks no way H is going to move in with OW.
She told H clearly, she won't have anything to do with OW. Major reason being OW's attempts to ruin reconciliation and not respecting H when he was trying to make his M work(harrassing OW). H took responsibilty for that, he had let her believe the M was over, said it was his fault.
FIL an MIL have also said OW's not welcome into their home.They are still supportive of me, but I think a bit more distance is needed for a while.<p>I get the blame for destroying the relationship (H& FIL,MIL)simply because I let the cat out the bag and told them H is having an A and gave the evidence. I had been away 3 months in my home country with the kids, when H started the A. FIL and MIL lived 2km from our place and H worked for FIL. I needed to ask them if they knew what an earth had got into H, when the A crap started.
H just can't see there's a link between me talking to his parents and HIS A.
Not always a good idea to get relatives involved.
It can make recovery harder and sometimes reconciliation impossible.
Can't change things now. Looks like this is the reason (justification) H says M is over.
H has a very soft spot for our little sons (his daughters just moved in with him)I think this is the only thing which could make him change his mind.
SIL thinks I should move on (She doesn't know about MB succes stories!!), I am, plan B is about me and moving on.
H may think his mind is made up, but I think it's not always that simple. He could be dishonest about his feelings for OW, but it could also be the A is finally going to die it's natural death.
I'll hold onto the 2 year mark,just won't put my life on hold.
I don't know why , but I still feel H is going to come around, it scares me, I can't imagine to go through more pain, but just don't know why I still feel like this.<p>Thanks everyone.

Hello there BIF,<p>If you step way far back and look at your situation from the eyes of a detatched observer you can grin real big about WS " annoyance" over Plan B.It's so absurd, they're just getting the natural consequence of their behavior. What, afterall, did they think was going to happen? It's because in the world of a cakeman, he's supposed to have TWO lives, while you have NONE! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] BiF isn't following the plan, she's got one of her own (imagine that!). WS actually can't have it ALL their way, makes them start to think they may have it ALL wrong. You detatch and go on about your life,he doesn't know what's going on with you all the time, he's knows your hurt and vulnerable, and he becomes even more uncomfortable because it's a reality now that he just might lose the better end of the deal.<p>Hang in there! Limit your contact with the relatives. Their often well intentioned discussions about WS can sometimes bring so much emotion to BS that we want to get off track in Plan B. Stand strong, it's having it's desired effect.<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]</p>

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>