I know it won't work, MB says it won't work, my ws is textbook and wants to be just friends with ow now, says it will be easier that way... NO WAY.<p>HOW do you get WS to understand this, I guess I have no strong committment to Marriage work with ws yet... but he is going to see MB counselor tomorrow- YEA!<p>I am so excited to have found someone who works wih mb principles to help us here.<p>PLease offer feedback and suggestions, as this is a major hurdle to overcome.<p>HONEY

Honey,<p>If your H is looking for a friend .. tell him to find a friend he hasn't slept with. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Love to you,
Jo

Thanks JO, will tell him, also will tell him he should have male friends considering the recent situation. How about being friends with his WIFE? VENT VENT!<p>Thanks, HONEY

Unfortunately you can't educate them about this... <p>I am to the point now where I tell H that OW is my enemy... she will not tell him positive things about me or staying in our marriage... and I don't want her in my life... if she is in his life... she is in my life... a choice has to be made...<p>...but I am 9 months down the rollercoaster and very close to plan b...<p>...keep the timelines in mind... and most of all let someone else educate him...<p>Cali

No no no!<p>Don't tell him what I wrote to you, Honey! It was pure sarcasm. If you said that to him it would be an LB (per Cali - no WS MB education)<p>Pheeeew! I'm sorry, I'll be more cognizant of adding the word "sarcasm" when appropo.<p>Love,
Jo

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!<p>He CANNOT be friend with this person!! grrr isnt that HOW it got started in the first place??? <p>you be firm and tell HIM NOOOOOO, make him make a chiose....if he needs afriend.......tell him U are his friend! (ok im freaked) NO NO NO NO [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>mercy

That's a very "fog" thing to say. Sounds like he is at the cake eating stage (wants to work on things but still keep the OW around). Hopefully as things start to progress he will realize how ludicrous this sounds. After all, these things so often start with "We are just friends." The fogged brain thinks many ridicuolus things are logical. You just don't get to be buddies with a person you have had sex with since you were married to your spouse! Even if it's not a lie, it's utterly disrespectful and torturous behavior to make the BS endure that. My H luckily realized that he lost his female "friend" privileges forever when he had an affair.

Honey,<p>I am a FWW and IMO, he cannnot be friends with the OW on any level. They both forfeited that priviledge when their R became more than a friendship. YOU should be his best friend. Isn't that what M is about to a large degree? <p>His comment about it being easier if they were friends is crazy! Easier for what? To have the best of both worlds? Continued contact with her is extremely disrepectful to you and a slap in the face. Is he committed to your M or not? One or the other. Never both. Sorry if I am being too harsh, but each and every WS loses that right when we engage in an A.

Honey:<p>I want to say to you that what I am going to say is straight up pull yourself together girlfriend kinda advice.....<p>This man is stringing you along...day by day...crisis by crisis...topic by topic...and you bite each time...<p>Lets see there was I am taking the kids and moving out of state crisis...there was you had innapropriate episode (which you did)..and now you should be in the home for the criminally insane crisis...there is the it's over with the OW crisis..but we should still divorce/seperate then see how it goes crisis..there was the was over but now she wants to move in with me crisis...and I think yesterday was the she is/ isn't pregnant crisis which leads to lots of wondering is it/was it his or not...and now today at the top of menu of CRISIS DU_JOUR... The We can just be friends" line of crap...<p>HONEY...hold on to your knickers cause tomorrow it will probably be that he is coming home..but bringing her to live there as well and all three of you had better get along crisis...why doesn't he come up with a constructive crisis and do something useful like join the peace-corps? <p>This man is playing on/feeding on/stringing you and your emotions along..and each and every time you fall for it....<p>You need to protect yourself...now..you need to not listen to one more piece of crisis-voodoo-whoodoo from his foggy alien self...<p>Do not waste one ounce of energy on getting him to understand anything about marriage...begin plan A immediately for you which has very little to do with him...your reaction to each crisis is predictable entertainment for him...want to really shake things up...don't react..don't discuss...don't dispair...work on you and becoming the type of person who will not and would not put up with this type of crap...<p>Re-read your many posts..this person has your emotions all over the graph..the swings are notable, confusing and down right disrepectful...but it takes two to get sucked into his fog...take care of you!!!!!!<p>Next week he's gonna call you and tell he just bought a puppy and named it after the OW...how much more riduculous can he get...the answer is a lot...protect yourself...and I know and realize this is NONE of my business...but if I were you I would not make part of your plan A meeting his SF need...I think that is a bad idea for your own good and will hurt you...I think you should protect yourself I am concerned about yesterdays post where you state some revelation that one of your husbands EN is SF...think long and hard about meeting that need...(please forgive my boldness here.)<p>I bet you're scared as a lot of people are..but slow down and get focused...this is gonna take time...you alone will need time to process all that he has put through..and continue to do day after day....<p>I am glad he is going to a marriage C.
I hope it goes well but more I hope that you can take some time to be good to yourself..and not continue to be strung along..<p>please please take care.
ARK

Hi and thanks, he does sound like a real jerk doesn't he. Well, I guess this marriage is just toilet material. I am so sick over this, I was very excited about going to the appt. tomorrow... I called him to see if he felt like going to lunch with me, and he was with the whore running errands, as they are neighbors and both unemployed right now, with money falling out of their pockets, until it is all gone.<p>I am so hurt, by this abuse. I got upset because he had told me earlier he was going to run errands with her, and I sd that is completely unacceptable... so I thought he had called it off. He has sd he has told her NO SF unless they end up both divorced... but they can be friends. . NO NO NO. Why do I have to be married to the most fogged person in the world.<p>I was sooo happy earlier... he was being really nice.. I thought... he was committed firmly to the counseling session, and now he has threatened not to go because of her... again... I sd you need to tell her that this is totally unacceptable.<p>I am very sad. I am almost in tears. Yes, he has me all over the place... I may end up not loving him anymore...he is getting pretty darn worthless lately.<p>I am trying so hard to plan a. It is better to work on me... I do not need to obsess about him... but I just got done with work and thought... oh maybe we can go to lunch...what we always used to do.. and called, and he is with her... my best friend has been stolen by someone at my H's office... just because he had to go to work and I had to be with kids... and work seperate...well, what kind of H does this... I know he had needs I wasn't filling... I was very ill with back injury.<p>I am so hurt by this... I know it is stupid to believe now that it will get better.<p>DO MEN REALLY PURPOSELY STRING WOMEN ALONG< even their wives?<p>TEARS are falling... I will ck back... can someone really be so cruel...is he lying? OR does he really think they can be just friends...? My H has an uncanny sense of reality .. I think the head is fogged up majorly.<p>THANKS friends, HONEY

Honey,
I just want to say, I'm sorry for what you are going through right now, I know it is hard. I have read your post, and it brings me to tears to think that someone can be so insensitive to how you feel. I know, because I'm in the somewhat same boat.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> DO MEN REALLY PURPOSELY STRING WOMEN ALONG< even their wives?<hr></blockquote><p>I can't speak for every man, but I want to say as a BS and a man, I have never strung anyone along, not even my wife, I M her with intent to be there forever, sow she is slipping through my fingers, and I'm afraid I have alredy "lost" her to OM.<p>I wish you luck in your struggle Honey, Just know you have friends here to talk to.<p>God Bless.

kewl! If they can be "just friends" then there is no reason you can't ALL be "friends." Invite her over to have dinner with the family since that "would be best."

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong>Honey,<p>If your H is looking for a friend .. tell him to find a friend he hasn't slept with. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Love to you,
Jo</strong><hr></blockquote><p>lolol, good one, Josephine!

tHANKS GUYS, It is really really hard... he is still going with me to counseling tomorrow... and claims they only ran errands... like going to the post office today... isn't that sweet... he claims he cannot talk to me until counseling tomorrow... WELL, OK fine... what a willing partner to try to save our marriage... NOW I know about feeling like a doormat in plan a... most people would burst... it is ridiculous for him to spend his free time with OW as friendship only and no time with me... let her get on with her own life, and out of ours... we've done fine without her for 17 yrs! Thanks, HONEY

I know how you feel that is why my WW is telling me. She say she wants to be just friends with him. She says she can do it and so can he and still communicate. Its bull**** if I can post that word. Their letters which she doesnt know I can read sound like somehting she should be writing me. they both sign their letters "Love"
They tell each other about their days. The most horrible was when he wrote her asking her how she could be just friends with him after all the special times they had together. All that they have been through. and the time they made love on the bathroom counter. god I wanted to claw my eyes and my heart out.<p>Friends my [censored]. dont fall for it.

From: Dr.Harley--
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay. <p>Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity? <hr></blockquote><p>I always like Dr. Harley's answers best [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Honey, don't settle for less than what you need.<p>Peace, ~Marie

Thanks for the replies, today we met with a counselor who uses the mb techniqes, I highly highly reccomend this, this was a drastic positive step towards restoring my marriage, praise be to God. I am sooo happy.<p>Anyway, my spouse did the norm... he started to bash me as always... and the counselor listened... well the counselor asked him what he would like from me in a marriage... and he told him how awful I am, and that he didn't think it could work... and then later sd maybe it can work... he has obviously been in contact with her, because his attitude towards me has changed again.<p>I plan a'd my butt off... as best as I could... but not completely in therapy.... we talked about situation... and it was difficult... he made me cry saying how awful I am,... and he selectively forgot all the stuff he has done... well, it is just silly... the counselor was so good, and got him on track and my H kinda says there is a 1/10 chance of saving our marriage... I am working on improving that 1/10th percent.<p>It was hard, and i do not know how I will make it through another week, but I am going to try hard to do it. I really love my H and just want things to be preaffair, preaffair, he wasn't walking or leaving, we had problems sure- but the affair changed our lives... now will he admit this?<p>Thanks for the support guys.<p>HONEY

He, ws, now says he is thinking about completely giving up ow... thought they could be just friends... ... blah blah blah... he told MB counselor yesterday... he can think over giving her up for a week.. well, I am thinking I do not need to call him at all this week... <p>Glad to have mb counselors in the world... <p>Just for others info, counselor says I am the last one in the world to be telling him to think it over.<p>Let him miss me while he thinks it over.<p>HONEY [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Honey,<p>I'm glad you have found someone locally who can help you with this. Wish I could find an MB counselor locally. <p>Hang in there. Buffer yourself some from you H's roller coaster. You know that he's gone back and forth about giving up OW. What about his other dating? He will probably waffle some more for while. So just expect it. And keep the focus on youself and your children while Plan A'ing.

Thanks ZOrweb, I hate this! I am almost getting so mad at him again, I just want to say to H+++ L with it! But then again, I want him back the way he was- and that is not him right now... it is crzy... I am going to focus on me and kids, thanks for the advice.<p>Let him wonder. I am so wishing this never happened.<p>The MB counselor is going to see me individually too! Yea! I need it! I am very excited, as he has been familiar with program over 10 yrs, and has been to 4 conferences. He is really good, big difference from other counselors.<p>WOW.<p>Thanks for the advice, the waffle is going to be hard to bear as it continues... why can't they just see how destructive they are being?Thanks for the support.<p>HONEY