My wife had a PA with her first love and believes OM is her soulmate, apparently PA has stopped because he broke it off leaving her attempting suicide twice last week of Nov. and she has her own house now for 2 weeks. She hasn't decided whether she wants back in or marriage and has told me that she will forever have feelings for OM. Says she still thinks about D because she couldn't give me her love and that would be cheating me. I tell myself that may change as time since end of PA (currently 1 mos) lenghtens but how do you reconcile within yourself that your S's heart may always be on another island which is unapproachable due to the protection around it? After all that has happened I can honestly say that I still love her but God I want to be loved back!

I know what your going through, and can't really give you any advice. it sounds like overtime she may look at the other male and realize she wasn't honest about her feelings. They had an affair, the feelings aren't based in reality, it's not fair to compare an affair to a marriage. Marriage is work and true, affairs are based in deception, fantasy and excitment. I hope over time your wife will see that true hapiness is available with you and your children. I took what i'm going through to realize how important my wife and family are to me. my wife said she isn't in love with me and can't offer much right now. Her affair ended one month ago tomorrow, she has bad days and i'm sure it's withdrawl, it hurts like hell to think she cares for someone else. I pray when the fog lifts we can build a strong and loving marriage, but while the fog is around we have to be patient ( I know it's tough), show her you love her and support her.....good luck and hang tough

thanks Bruin, sounds like you're going thru the same thing. My W PA stopped 6 weeks ago and she still has strong feelings for OM, I just hope like you said overtime that those feelings will subside and she'll have room for me. Have you had feelings like you just want to throw in the towel and start dating someone else and if not how do you supress those feelings?

Angling-<p>Soulmate, soulmate, soulmate, oh how I hate that word now. WS told me that OM was her soulmate, that it should have been him she married instead of me, he made her complete,blah, blah. And the quick decision to D, just a way to avoid dealing with the pain and suffering that the A has caused everyone. But, like everyone says, it's the fog, its just the WS trying to justify the A to the BS and themselves. Don't let WS's justifications for having an A get the better of you, just listen and let it go.<p>Even though the PA ended, I'm sure that your W still has strong feelings for OM. Doesn't it seem strange that she would still have such feelings for this guy even though he 'dumped' her like that? But, nothing about A's or the WS's behavior makes sense to the rational person. You've been M for 13 yrs and 2 S's, the OM is 20 year old news, believe me, you have a lot going for you, even though you may not see it right now.<p> I know how you feel about throwing in the towel right now, all BS's have felt that from time to time. But, you still love your W and want it to work out, that is what you need to remember. How much of MB material have you read? Do you have a solid Plan A in place? I would highly recommend reading HNHN's and SAA, and if you have time, Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. Has W made any comments about reconcillation? Do you think the A is completely over, or may there still be some contact (phone, email).<p>Right now you need to take care of yourself and your 2 S's, as far as W is concerned, you can't control her, you can only Plan A. Be strong, you will get through this a better person. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Eerie, as that is what she has said and what I hae thought. I have 2/3 books you mentioned but have't dug into them yet, Your'e right there is no ration when it comes to dealing with the emotions that are running thru her. Who knows the affair could start up again. He may be moving to another state without his wife as she doesn't think she'll go and I would bet that OM would call my WW. She said she wouldn't go if he did call, but I'm suspicious. I think she is unwilling to work on our marriage and has moved into her own house because she is waiting whether she wnats to admit it or not. Tell me more about your situation.

I haven't been on these boards in some time...but I couldn't help but respond if only to shed a little insight on things.<p>I am not a advocate of affairs but I have seen time after time BS believing that their WS will somehow wake up one day and this "fog" everyone goes on about will be gone. In rare cases...but more times than not the marriage is over. <p>Two years ago I separated from my husband of 16 years. Six months prior to that I had foolishly had an EA...I have trouble calling it an EA because I never saw it as that. I was pathetically lonely and started writing to someone I had met on the internet. I never saw a picture of him or did I ever meet him. He was kind to me...and I looked forward to reading his emails every day. I won't go into all the details, but when my H discovered I was writing to this man, he told everyone I was having an affair. My point with all of this is...he went on and on about me being in a fog...being brain washed...I wasn't. I didn't love him. He was emotionally and verbally abusive and eventually turned the abuse turned physical. <p>I beleive in marriage and trying hard to make a marriage work. Through my pain over the last few years, I do know one thing. A marriage is not going to work unless both people are on the same page and are committed to each other. <p>My divorce was final in the spring. My ex still goes on about my email friend breaking up our marriage. He had nothing to do with the end of our marriage...my ex had everything to do with it...by the time all was said and done, I was shocked that this man I had been married to for so long was capable of such mean and horrible acts. Was I in a fog? No...I was emotionally starved and thought myself unlovable and not worthy of anyone's attention. My email friend only made me see myself as someone who wasn't stupid, but someone who mattered. There were no secret meetings, exchanges of pictures...just friendship.<p>My point is don't wait around for this so called fog to lift. It may not. A good friend of mine...his wife of 16 years had a PA. That was three years ago. They are divorced, she is still with OM, he's still waiting for the fog to lift. Every time I hear from him, I feel sad for him...she's moved on. He has not.

I just wanted to comment on your W moving out of the house and not willing to work on the M. I may be wrong (hope I am) but to me, it is a huge red flag, it shows that the A is continuing. During the 3 months from DDay 1 to DDay 2, W was constantly trying to convince me to move out but I wouldn't budge. Knowing what I do now, it was apparent that the A was continuing and she wanted me out of the way so I wouldn't find out. Also be careful about the information you get concerning OM and his situation. If it comes from W, I'm sure it is biased and intended to keep you off guard. Sorry I have to tell you this, but these are things a lot of us BS's have experienced.<p>You really don't want to know about the mess I am in, but you have been warned.<p>Lets see,
- DDay #1 was Sept 27, 2001
- OM is a neighbor, he is M with 2 D's, OM's W and I put the pieces together and figured out the A
- My kids and OM's kids are best friends
- A is textbook example, W shows classic denial and (withdrawal?) symptoms
- No real attempts by W to reconcile or work on M
- I have been Plan A'ing my best since DDay #1
- W told me it was over between the 2 soon after DDay #1, said OM 'dumped' her for his W
- DDay #2 was Jan 1, 2002, WS admits to seeing OM the entire time, but only as 'friends', gut feeling tells me different
- W serves me with a restraining order on Jan 3, forces me out of house and away from family
- Currently fighting restraining order, living with MIL/FIL, hopefully I can get an apt by this weekend.
- Conversations with W only center on finances and nothing else.
- I am taking a break from trying to save the M, focusing on myself and my 4 kids now. Any attempts for reconcilliation need to come from W now.

I'm sorry but I have to echo the other two posts. My guess is that she's living on her own because she's either still involved in the affair or she's holding out for him, hoping to win him back. She more upset at the loss of her OM then she is her marriage falling apart or her children. I hope your taking measures to keep your children safe.<p>Like HappyMac I too had an affair years ago. Her's was more a friendship, mine was an affair. There was also no fog for me. We've been married for years now and my feelings in regards to him have not changed. Like the lady HappyMac was referring too, I loved on. Fortunate for my ex that he did too. HappyMac is correct...marriages can work after an affair but both parties need to want it.

Lets see...yes, a small percentage of affairs do go onto become "real" relationships, and a few of those survive, as Bonnie reminds us.<p>Most don't, however. <p>You say it's only been 1 month???? ("I tell myself that may change as time since end of PA (currently 1 mos) lenghtens "). Way too soon to conclude that your wife's affair is the 1 in a million destined to be "real"..I'd suggest way too early to make any lasting decisions at all. <p>I see you've been married 19 years...I'd guess if your marriage was not worth much to begin with, it would likely not have lasted that long. And, you have 2 kids who would be best served if you and W could fall inlove again. <p>Think about it...if you honestly think your marriage was dead 10 years ago, or if she's an alcoholic, abusive or other serious problems exist (as I think was true in both Bonnie & HappyMacs's marriages), yes, think about letting it go. If not, and you think there is something worth saving, give it a bit of time, maybe a few months, using MB principles. My H wanted to live seperately for a bit, told me the marriage was dead, wasn't sure he could ever love me again, was sure he and EA were destined for each other, psychicly bonded, etc. Now he thinks he was very "confused" back then and is very, very grateful to have had a second chance.<p>If you do decide to give it a try, consider using the phone counseling (or "coaching" available here). Make sure you have the best chance possible.<p>Good luck--<p>Kathi<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</p>

Thanks HappyMac, Bonnie & Kathy. HApMac its sound like you had an H that was unwilling to validate your feelings and continued to be judgemental i believe you had a friendship and an insecure H. sounds like yu made the right choice since he wasnt there to support you when you most needed a friend. Bonnie, I believe you are absolutely right and thanks for validating my thoughts but I do think my WW is waiting. I asked her if he called and asked her to move to KY with him if she would do it. I asked this after we had just hugged and had a very passionate discussion. She said after all she has been thru "no" but I don't believe her becasue her love for him (WW lost virginity to OM) when they were 6) is so damn strong, soulmates, divine intervention that they are back togehter after 20 years, yada yada. She also tried suicide 2 after OM broke it off. I do think she would go and in a way it would almost make it easier. Kathi, thanks I do think 19 years and 3/4 were very good years, I think we just got careless and took the marriage for granted, it is worth saving and I do belive I can forgive and we can have the strongest marriage possible. I just hope she throws me a lifeline to the deserted island (in a way she does act like WILSON) where her heart rests. Pat