I understand about not talking about the relationship, But not doing that alot of the tension is gone from the house. She's the one who mentioned she was having a bad day and i thought a little card might help (WRONG). Anyways I don't want to play games i'm way beyond that but should i stop doing everything and i mean everything. I'm doing 95% of the house work, did most of the redecorating of the family room, spending more time with the kids (wouldn't never change that), letting her sleep in even when i worked afternoons and she wasn't working. I don't mind doing this i just wonder if it's helping or hurting...We talk alot more but she said that spark and desire are gone, alot is my fault bit she puts minimal blame on the OM...What do you think?????do you want the whole story?

I'm not Honey... but I just thought I'd drop by and say what you're experiencing is all very normal...<p>Keep on the path... it sounds as if you are doing a good plan A... How would you feel if your efforts meant that your marriage was restored? Yeah, it seems unfair... but so much in life is unfair... my SIL said that anything worth anything is hard work... <p>Keep your eye on the prize... but then again DON'T neglect yourself... plan A is about taking care of YOU as well... get yourself some support and reach OUT... <p>Cali

Hi Bruins, I am so sorry, as I just logged on and found out that my post to you last night did not show up... right when I posted my computer stopped and wouldn't move, and I had to restart.. my 2 boys were going wild and I had to get them to calm down and to bed.<p>Be glad to hear your whole story as I am sure many of us would. Post away, and come here and let it out.<p>THis is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life, and I am sure the hardest thing for you.<p>My H, and perhaps your W- has turned into an alien. <p>They don't really know what they are thinking or doing - they are not themselves... they talk in fogesse. Read the sight... they are in a fog.<p>Get the books, surviving an affair and his needs , her needs.<p>Find a MB counselor if you can, you can go to the counseling section and find someone local in your area that work with MB principles.<p>I am still fairly new and struggling through this as you are.<p>Perhaps your wife is in withdrawl.... sometimes the stage where they do not want love from us, crzy but true... I think my H is in withdrawl... he is getting out of it, but slowly... it is difficult for him.. he actually thinks they can be just friends, NO they can't... what kind of moron thinks this... not that he is a moron, but this is not my H.<p>ANyway, my heart goes out to you, most of us here are in pain. You have found a good place to vent and work on the relationship.<p>Peace and prayers to you, I will look for your post again... I am tired as it is middle of night... and I may have missed a key question of yours, but will ck back tomorrow.<p>HUGS< honey

About 18 months ago I betrayed my wife and had an affair, there was one sexual encounter but several meetings and talking over a two month period. When my wife found out, I realized what i had done. I ended all contact with the OW and have not talked to or seen her since. We went through a rough few weeks and then everything seemed fine. I realize now we didn't deal with what I had done, I think we both hoped it would just go away. We didn't seek counselling or do any reading I things went back to the way they were before. We had a good marriage but I now realize that I took alot for granted and made very little effort to keep the marriage strong and exciting. We have always been friends but we weren't communicating nearly enough. I thought all was well, in July we bought a beutiful new home and my wife seemed fine, I didn't notice any change in her. About 3 months ago she started going out with friends more, shopping etc. I asked her if something was wrong and she said "I've lost my feelings for you and I'm not in love with you anymore" she said she couldn't get passed what I had done. I thought I was going to be physically ill, I tried talking to her but she kept saying that she had mourned the lost of our love and was done trying. I suggested counselling and she declined. Thats when I found MB, I learned that I needed to make changes in myself and I have, I'm more involved with the kids and am now carrying the brunt of the work load around the house. I told my W about the changes I was making and that I hoped she would do some reading. She refused, said it doesn't matter what I do now, it's to late. I couldn't except that my wife had just quit on us so I started doing some snooping around, it took me all of about two hours to discover the OM. She denied it at first but when I said I had his cell number and was going to call it she admitted she had been only talking to this guy for a few weeks. I felt a bit relieved, knowing that she hadn't just quit but that there was a reason. I told her the affair had to end, she wouldn't answer. I called the guys cell and said who I was and told him to call me. He didn't, I had my wife call and tell him to call, He didn't. I called him again later and he answered. You see I'm a cop and have been a Detective for 6 years, I've alot of different units. The OM is a rookie cop with the same force and my wife is a dispatcher. I explained to him on the phone that he was done meeting her, he knew it was wrong and said they only talked a few times. I let them say thier goodbye in private and then I thought we would be able to work on our marriage (I hadn't read much at this point) A week went by and there was no change in fact it was worse. I asked my W if she was still in contact and she said no. I didn't believe her. One night when the OM was working I called him and met him (never met him before this) I told him I knew alot about what was going on and if I caught him in a lie things would go bad real fast (He's been married for 6 weeks at this time). He seemed honest and did admit they were still talking (my W denied it even when I told her I was going to talk to OM)I explained more to him about what they were doing and the unwritten rule about another cops wife (may sound stupid but it exsists) He again apologized, and asked if he could call my W. I said ok but that was it, I left and he called her. My wife was angry, wouldn't talk to me. After a few weeks of hell i knew she was still talking to the OM, I was tired and had enough, I called OM and wasn't so pleasent, then told my wife he admitted they were still talking, I told them to meet that night and make a decision, I couldn't take it any longer. They met, I called his wife and she said she knew something was going on, she said he was saying he wasn't sure about his feelings and wanted time to work things out. She was glad I called. We shared what we knew and got a good picture of what they had been up to. I had gotten my wifes cell phone bills, it was incredible they were calling each other several times everyday, plus meeting on top of that. Thier last meeting (I think) was Dec 9/01. My wife is now talkng more, we had one session with Jennifer but my wife said she didn't get much out of it. I had been going to a counsellor on my own, two weeks ago my wife came with me and then went on her own last Friday and is going again this Friday. We are talking alot more and spending time together but my W says she has desire for me. I have been working hard for a few months and at times get very tired. The only thing keeping me going is the kids and the hope we can work this out. My wife has never forgiven me and says she would have never had an affair if I hadn't. She may be right but we can't "what if" ourselves to death. The problem is haven't been able to express my true feelings all the time because I don't want to LB. She hurt me by what she did but I did the same to her, I can get through it but with her love and support, that's what I miss the most.
So here I am, we are getting along and but I have real bad days and don't talk to anyone about them, I'm trying to make her happy and at times maybe doing to much, I'm not coming off as needy just showing her the changes I'm making through actions not words....I Pray she opens her eyes and heart sees all that is here...
hope you didn't fall asleep
reading this
Take Care

Hi, I didn't fall asleep Bruins. YOu will be OK, my H is the same and is on and off on talking with "her" and wants to try, at least- to work on the marriage.... KEEP SHOWING her an excellent plan a, do what you did when you were dating. It is admirable that the OM is willing to talk to you... the OW in my life calls the police and says I am harassing her... ugggh...if I call and say stay away from my h and my family...she just keeps on... I am so sick over this crap. ANyway, it sounds like this guy needs to get out, or watch his marriage end, and that is good for you, and hopefully your wife will come around with good plan a... keep showing her how good you are.<p>it is hard when there is no return and even coldness, but I am sure she will come around... it sounds that you must have kids, well she needs their dad, right?<p>I hope it will get better//// - check on the counseling page on this site, and look for the phone to marriage builders, call and see if you can find a mb counselor in your area...also print out the emotionalneeds, and the love busters questionnairres.. this can help a lot.. my H and I have done these... and from a few months ago.. it was it is over, over over, and he left and moved out... with good plan a we are in counseling... and I have major lb'd a few time...bad! You can survive.. the more she gets to know om, he will start to become more real and less fantasy so you have that on your side too. Let go and let god, work on you... become the best you - you can be.... find out or remember what her needs are,,... and work on those... from a distance.. women love help at home... I know this.<p>I have to go and get to work, but hope you have a better day, hang in there, and definitely read surviving an affair... it sounds as if your wife is in a little too far emotionally.<p>Good luck and have a great day, take care of you.<p>HONEY

Hi Bruins4, On the post of another person here, I went to the Restore marriage website... today... here is alink to the first chapter on a book to restore your marriage for men... and the second link is for women.. perhaps if your wife is receptive she will read it. I hope I do not offend by sending you christian material... you sound like a good person, in a bad situation. This world is a fallen one, and we must cling to the Lord to do what is right.
Men's<p>http://www.restoreministries.net/book/mens.html0<p>Women's<p>http://www.restoreministries.net/book/womens.html<p>These links are only one short page, but they can help you with the new beginning and new atmosphere you alone are now creating in your home... without your wife now... but you do have GOd's help, and you have your friends here at this site... I urge you to find a counselor to confide in, and perhaps a friend you can trust.<p>Godspeed. HONEY

Thanks for the reading, I'm not at all offended. I went to counselling (alone) tonight, my W is going tomorrow. I'm feeling better today but still get overcome by sadness for no apparent reason. I'm staying strong and trying to stay focused. Read surviving affair, it's great but it takes two to follow the policies. If/When she comes around I hope to implement them. Just starting to read Fall in Love Stay in Love. I'm doing all I can, I guess it's just hurry up and wait for now. Thanks for the replies they help.
Take care and stay strong
God Bless