I discovered my wife's affair on 12/6. Apparently it started thru an alumni web-site, old high school classmate contacted her on-line back in August, things progressed, etc. From what I can determine, I discovered this very early into their seeing each other romantically. The guy was already going thru 2nd divorce. I've been with my wife 22 yrs. I am so devastated, can't sleep, have lost 18 lbs, ( i'm skinny to begin with) depressed, hopeless, etc..<p>Anyway, here's my situation. I have totally re-committed to loving my wife unconditionally and forgiving her totally, I am carrying out plan A- no angry outbursts-no disrespect-no judgments.
We have two teenage daughters and my wife wants our home life to just stay "normal" even though she barely kisses me, rarely says I love you, and mostly is indifferent to my efforts. I know I have been neglectful of her needs for years- I'm learning that now. But I love her with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her.<p>Problem- I know she talks to him constantly, by e-mail and phone. He sends her 10-12 e-mails a day. She has not made any promises to me about anything, she hasn't said she would break it off with him. She probably sees him once a week. I know they are sexual, I have evidence. Whenever I bring up the situation, she says she is very, very sorry but changes the subject. She just wants me to act "normal"-which I can't do. I'm trying to act 10 times better than I ever did, but rejection hurts so much.<p>I feel like I am on trial. Every little misstep is blown out of proportion. If I load the DW wrong, she explodes. Every gain towards winning her love seems futile, when I realize that she is still seeing him. I read "Surviving.." and am following it, but how long should I ignore the affair and not ask her to make a choice?<p>Whenever I tell her that I pray she will make the right decision, she says that makes her more guilty and hurts her more. She doesn't seem to want to make any decision. Is this normal? Should I just keep loving her and wait for her? Or should I force her to choose? How long do I wait and, meanwhile, hurt?<p>I am a Christian and believe my marriage is sacred. My wife is also born-again and she says she is dealing with this with God.<p>I actually talked to this guy on-line on 1/6 and he basically says he's not the problem in our marraige, I am, and that he feels sorry for me. When I told my wife this, she seemed angry that he would say this and defended him, saying I must have misunderstood.<p>Am I a wimp to pour my heart out to my wife? I love her with every ounce of my soul and want to give her everything she has always wanted. I also want the same back from her, someday. Can anyone give me hope?? <p>Am I doing the right thing? HELP!!!!!<p>[ January 14, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

boppo...<p>it's not over til it's over and then we have had evidence that it's not over... <p>Plan A your heart out... watch all those nasty LB's... but don't neglect yourself... a good plan A involves making changes you know you should make for YOU... not with the intent of keeping your wife...<p>Watch value judgments like 'making the RIGHT decision.' Difficult, yes... in fact, best NOT to comment on your relationship or her affair at all...<p>Quit talking and show action... talking just seems to rub them the wrong way... she is NOT going to trust your changes... and it is a LONG journey... when I first read people on here 6 months, 9 months, 1 year, 2 years... I thought I'd die... I'd never make it that long... but you do...<p>READ... READ... READ... everything on this site... SAA... HN/HN...LoveBusters... plus there are other recommended books... go to the Just Found Out forum...there you will find General Welcome, Key to acronyms and smilies...etc...<p>Don't worry if you don't get too many responses at first... just post... post and post... bump up your posts as well...eventually you will draw out some more responses.<p>Good Luck...reach out for support... you're gonna need it...<p>Cali

Boppo57,<p>Welcome to MB. Check my signature below and follow the link to get more education on MB. As you see we are trying to save our M and it won't be easy and painless.<p>You have to take care of yourself. If you think you are in danger of big D (depression) please go to your doctor and tell him you have a marital problem and need the med. It is useless if you are failing on your health when this 'coater ride need more than a healty body to take the beating. Get some sleep and plenty of food even you don't feel like it.<p>Stop pushing your W right now. She made up her mind about having A nothing you could do. Stop talking about A and be a roomate for now. Show her that you could change w/o saying it but through your action.<p>Trying to educate your W is an LB and the more you push it the more "hurting words" she is going to push you back with. You have to do one time LB'ed, exposing your W affairs. Otherwise you are confirming & condoning her A.<p>No LB is not plan A. No LB is part of plan A. You address her issues and show her the changes and keep working on it. No expectation or lower espectation of the response to your plan A.<p>My wife is also born-again and she says she is dealing with this with God.
Wow !!! talking about fog.<p>You hang in ther buddy, when you see WW rejects to see your changes and when you start "hating" her, you go to plan B. Only one condition, adultery, when God allows us to break our vow.<p>Pray to God and let her in HIS hand. Let her go. Just be a "roommate" and live your life as if you don't have her. AT THIS POINT YOU DO NOT ANYWAY. Be a single dad to your D. Focus on them and pour your love to them instead. Part of plan A startegy, to show you are capable of love.<p>Take care and vent here ...

Bop,<p>Believe me, your wife isn't in LOVE....she is in LUST!<p>You are going through almost to the "t" what I am dealing with. The only exception is that I have been through it 3 other times. <p>I have tried to make contact with the OM and my wife says that "he isn't the problem and I should leave him alone". I hate when they think that for some reason, we the WS are the problem. The OM seems to think that if I was meeting my wifes needs, she wouldn't be doing what she is doing. To that I say, "if you where a decent humanbeing, you wouldn't be doing what you are doing". Then I have got, "well, I wasn't looking for this to happen, it just happened". Oh puhhhhleeeze, that is like saying, "I didn't mean to beat the guy up, it just happened". When you wrote that you talked to the guy and he said that "he wasn't the problem, you where". I had to take a walk because I was fuming mad. How many times have I heard that I can't recall. I will admit though, I haven't been everything to my wife just like you haven't, and I have become increasingly bitter and withdrawn over the years. I know now that I want to change, but this guy is standing in the way. Does this sound familar?. You are probablt saying to yourself "if you would only stop seeing him for a month I can prove to you I have changed". Unless it is something YOU want to do for YOU and not to "get her back". It will collapse under it own weight. It took years to get into this mess, and it is not going to change with a kind word or a caring momment. It will only change when you decided to change for YOU. You have to become everything you can become. You wife obviously fell in love with you 22 years ago for some reason, it is still there, just under a layer of fog. <p>I found out this latest "tryst" back at the beginning of Dec. He too was/is an old High School friend and they haven't seen each other in 15 years and he treats her like a queen and respects her and and and and and.......everything that I AM NOT....sound familar?. Well, at first I was doing every LOVE BUSTER I could do out of defense and hurt. But over the holidays she was gone for 2 weeks at her mom's house (400+ miles away) and in the same city as the OM. I didn't call her and I didn't make any contact with her. She at first didn't call, but with in the 2 weeks she was gone.....she called at least....20 times trying to talk to me. I refused to return her calls. It drove her nuts. <p>I read the PLAN A thread from the home page. The one thing that gave me strength was the fact that most affairs end within 6 months because they are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness. They are are also based on "PASSION". What happens when the passion is gone and the everyday strfe comes into there relationship (i.e. Kids, her baggage, his multiple marraiges?), it will more than likely end sooner than expected. I know in my case, my wife's "thing" started in early Dec. and even though she wants to file for divorce and move on with her life, I see her crashing soon. She is doing everything in her power to get to me. This is what the Chearting spouse lives for.......2 people fighting over them. You are going to have a tendency to do things for her that you are not comfortable with just to make her happy. What you have to do is take inventory of your life and see where you have been weak and clean up that part of your life. Live life for YOURSELF and your family.<p>Also, you might want to go to your doctor and have him/her prescribe an anti-depressent (I know that sounds terrible, but I did and it make 100% difference). I am on actually 2 medications. I take ATIVAN to help with Anxiety and I am on EFEXOR for the depression. Believe me, it helps. Efexor doesn't make you HIGH...it brings you as close to normal as normal as possible. At first I had a hard time sleeping and eating and all of what you are experiencing, but now I sleep better because I know what SHE is doing is wrong and against GOD's word (I am a Christian myself...raised Baptist). I have lived through this before and I have seen the outcome and I see where it is leading. This time I am acting different, I am thinking of our 3 kids (10,9,6) and I am comforting them. <p>My wife and I haven't slept in the same bed since mid sept. of 2001, we have barely hugged and not kissed in I don't know how long. It hurts....it hurts alot. What gets me angry is that she is carrying on under our roof. Chatting with him, calling him, e-mailing him....burning CD's with songs like "The Kiss", "Breathless" etc. She defends this guy saying that "he treats me like a queen"...I say to myself, well, let's see after 10-1/2 years with him if he will". Bop, she seems like she is living off the past memmories of HIgh School and all of a sudden the years are erased and they are "soulmates" etc. If that is the case, why did they wait years to hook up again?. What she is doing to you is exactly what my wife is doing to me, throwing this guy in your face at every momment she can. I bet it gets you going and you start arguing and yelling or crying and you start begging or you become depressed........2 words.....JOGGING SHOES....get some jogging shoes and take a walk. Get away from the situation. What my wife lives off of is getting me upset and at first it worked....it worked like a charm. The more I tried to stop her, the more she wanted to talk to the guy. Finally I made a decision, I am not going to do that anymore, and you know what?....it is driving her crazy because I am not "chasing her". I remind her how I feel about her and that I would love to work on the relationship and I am pleasant and nice. I don't yell or scream, I just watch TV or play video games with the kids. Cheating spouses don't like that. They thrive off the attention. And don't think for a second that every action you do doesn't get back to him. He takes that all in and uses it against you. It is easy to be someone to another person when you know what bugs them. In some of the e-mails I found of my wife and this guy, he asked if I had any idea what was going on?....my wife responded with "No, he is pretty much oblivious to the situation". Well, I wasn't, and as soon as I confronted her and him via e-mail, there relationship I think has cooled down a lot. Even if it hasn't, I can't change her mind about him. I can talk down about him until I am blue in the face. I can talk about the kids and what we have together for the last 10-1/2 years, but you know what?, it doesn't work and it only frrustrates the situation more and more. <p>I would suggest that you get involved with a men's group at Church (such as "Promise Keepers") and lean on other men for strength. Me going to church and reading my Bible is driving my wife nuts. She is a Christian but she is so twisted right now she told me the other night that "no matter what religion you are, Jewish, Protestant, Hindu or Buddhist, as long as you pray, you are praying to the same god and he loves you no matter what". I had to agree that God loves everyone no matter what, but the true and living God not the God of false religions (my opinion only). She also said "The new testement was written by a bunch of men and how do we know it is true". This is another attempt of my wife's to get under my skin. It didn't work. <p>Well, I am going real long here.<p>One more suggestion and this is an important one.....please listen.<p>Go get yourself a notebook (anything that you can write in). And journal every thought you have. Believe me, this is a mental lifesaver. It has helped me vent and keep my thoughts straight. Also, DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE SEE IT AT ALL COSTS. I keep mine at work and write in it at lunch time. I have been doing it for a little over a month and I have it about 80% filled up (80 pages so far). I don't write in it everyday, but at least 3 or 4 times a week. It has helped me because it is one thing to do "self talk" and reading the written word. I know looking back at my entries, I know how I was feeling at any paticular time and I learn from what I have written. <p>
Heop this helps and sorry for being long winded!<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: defcon888 ]<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: defcon888 ]</p>

hang in there.
My WW also is supposedly asking God to help her through this and to help her choose. At least that shows how OBVIOUSLY Fogged or mixed up they are. Only advice I can give is to try to remember the good times and what you are fighting for. The happy times and the love you once had. Hope that she will remember it too. Good luck!

Boppo,<p>Hi and welcome--though I am sorry we all had to meet this way!<p>I am the wayward spouse in my marriage and I think that your wife is definitely way out yonder in the fog. I also think she is trying to recapture her youth---those dreams of love and romance that real life can never live up to---a sort of mid-life crisis thing. (I would guess she is in her mid-40's maybe?). Evidenced by the (im)maturity level of their communications. They are living a an adolescent dreamland---what many MBers call 'the fog'. More fog evidence---'she is dealing with God' on this-any adult will tell you you do not 'deal' with God--He doesn't make deals.<p>I might be wrong--someone please tell us if I am---but I would tell my spouse that a 'normal' home life does not include an affair, another man, or secret communications that must be kept hush-hush. I would ask her to stop all contact with him. Be patient. REad this site and let the wonderful people here help you through this. They are so smart and wise---you'll be glad they are there for you.<p>Good luck. And keep us posted.

Bop and others...I feel like I am reading my story over and over - what the heck is wrong with all these women. Didn't it used to be men that were the "cheaters". My d-day was in July. Same story as you guys - "still love you and care about you, but not in love with you, haven't been for awhile".<p>Been Plan A'ing my butt off and spending quality time with my kids (9,7,4). I too could not eat or sleep for weeks following d-day and forget about work - all I did all day is think about her and being with another man. You will get thru this period. Your D needs you - concentrate on her.<p>Unfortunately, you cannot control your wife or her feelings. This does take time and you do have to be patient. The best thing you can do is improve yourself (for yourself, not just her) and show her what a great person you can be. Actions speak louder than words.<p>You can say all you want. You can cry all you want. You may make her feel guilty, but it won't bring her running back to you - unfortunately. I love my wife with all my heart and I forgave her immediately when I found out and told her to come back to me so we can work on restoring our lives and learn from this experience. <p>She said she hears my words and sees how I have changed, but her feelings have not changed. I am waiting and trying to be patient. I spend as much time with my kids as possible. Oh, also no SF, hugs or kisses for months here either. It sucks.<p>We are seeing a MC, but no breakthroughs yet. Have you tried that avenue. Also, do you have someone close to you that you can talk to - talking about it really helps - as long as it is someone you can trust.<p>Hope this helps.<p>DD

The more you plead and beg her to come back to you the more it makes you look pathetic and weak in her eyes and the more it makes the OM look strong and confident. You need to change the way you deal with her. I would start concentrating on improving yourself by first getting your emotions under control by getting a Rx for antidepressants and getting help from a therapist. I would start coming across cheerful and confident. I would stop asking her about her relationship with the OM. I would cut off all financial support of her. Focus on yourself. Start doing things that you always wanted to do. Learn to do ballroom dance or learn to ski or fly an airplane. Get on a exercise program. Try to eat a healthy diet. Go out in the evening as much as possible with friends without telling your wife what you are doing. Be mysterious and become the person that you were when your wife fell in love with you.

Bop,<p>It's amazing to me how many are showing up here with a similiar story. Married 20 years or about, WS trying to re-connect with HS sweethearts. Telling BSer's that they never really loved us and that we pushed them into the marriage and that their true soulmate is the OP. Also seems that many of us are in are early 40's, and that much of the communication started with the internet. Maybe we should start a survey or study on this, to just see how they are all getting abducted at the same time by the mothership.<p>Just my 2 cents this evening.<p>I am sorry that you are joining us here for this reason, it is so sad, specially when the kids are teens and fully understand what their parent is doing and what they are chosing, not to be with them and the family.<p>Anyways,
Dawn

Ya know daybreak, you make a very interesting comment at the end of your post. I had a very similar conversation today with my W's mother. BTW..her mother is totally against what she is doing and would never expected this from her D. I will never speak a bad word about my MIL ever again. She has been a great supporter of mine and a big help.<p>Anyway - to what you said. It was the part about not being with her family. My MIL cannot understand how any woman can choose to be away from her children willingly. To be sneaking around while I am home taking care of the kids, etc. Also, my kids are not teens yet (9,7,4). They don't know yet. But they may find out soon as she wants a separation. No one happy here.<p>Hang in there guys!<p>DD

Once again, your story is very familiar.....<p>Which tends to prove that we're all onto something here at MB.... we know what's going on.... and knowledge is power!!<p>You have to use it to your advantage. I know it's hard to do a "perfect" Plan A - no-one can do it perfectly - but do your best, do your best at being the best you that you can. It will pay dividends - you just have no control over WHEN that will happen. For some folks, it's in their next relationship - but for many, many folks, it IS in their marriage.<p>It's good that you read SAA. I look at my situation, and can place it right along the timeline that was talked about for Sue & Jon. Notice that Jon never asked Sue to make a choice - hard but true. One of my big LB several months ago was to impose an ultimatum - didn't work, if I hadn't backed off, she probably would have left. Instead, I've at least had her at home where she can SEE my Plan A - a "good thing".