Hello all!<p>I am a new poster here, but I feel that I know so many of you by your individual stories with all the reading I have done.<p>At some time I will post more, a soul-cleansing if you will, but I have a couple of immediate questions.<p>At at this point in time I find myself feeling love for my W, but contempt for her, all at the same time. These two feelings do not meld well at all, and things get tough. Seems like as time goes on the contempt is winning.<p>She professes to want to stay and to work things out. She has promised no more contact and I believe her in that, but her hours allow her much time (which in the past she made very bad choices with...)<p>I found out about the A in middle November and we have been.... struggling... ever since. The A was short-lived (7 weeks or so). We started counselling a couple weeks after discovery, so we have been working in a positive manner.<p>But I keep having these nagging doubts...<p>As for the question, why would I want to keep her? She has many, many positive points, but are they truly enough to overcome this huge negative?<p>Is love enough to overcome this? She says yes, I say no. A good M to me takes trust - not too much of that for her anymore.<p>We have bought After the Affair, His Needs Her Needs, and Marriage Insurance and are reading through them. Yes, we are reading them. We both wished that we found these books a year ago, before most of our problems started. As of now, we are recommending them to our friends (those that know) as preventative medicine. <p>Thanks, <p>JABH
Just Another Betrayed Husband

I read the title of your post with curiousity... o... that I could have felt a bit of this last April instead of the total devastation that I felt...<p>First, welcome to MB... by reading and posting you may find the answers to your questions... or not... some can only be answered by you and by God.<p>The Just Found Out forum has a General Welcome and a key to the smilies and acronyms... there is a notable post section as well...<p>trust can be rebuilt... but it is a long process...<p>The best course of action is for each of you to work on your ownselves... each figure out the part you played in creating the environment that allowed the affair to occur...<p>Then plan A'ing each other... meeting each others EN's... avoiding LB's and making the necessary changes that each of you believes you need to make...<p>It is not an easy road... but those that have posted here In Recovery have made it sound very worthwhile...<p>The question I ask myself daily is "Is restoring this marriage still a better option for me, than ending it and possibly beginning a new one?" I still love my WH very much... He is a terrific father and I want to raise our sons together. The answer is yes... for me... besides I married him for better and for worse... I hope it don't get much worse...<p>Cali

JABH,
Make sure your MC uses MB principal. When you are feeling this way in recovery, there are something missing. The road to recovery is narrow.<p>You have to protect her weakness. She broke "trust" and "love" once, she should willing to work on your terms to rebuilt trust. What did you ask her that she is refusing to do ?.<p>Do all the questionair and work on them. Follow the 4 rules of recovery, care, protect, time & honesty. Your feeling will be back with time.

Hi JABH and welcome to MB.<p>I'd like to answer your question "Why would I want to keep a WW?"<p>In my case it's a WH. I always said I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. I always said I would never stay with a man who wasn't honest with me. I also said for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in good times and in bad. These are the bad times and I never knew they could be so bad. But I know that somewhere inside the stranger I'm now married to lies the man with whom I fell in love. <p>That man is a good man, a caring man, a wonderful husband and father. He's charming and funny and understanding and caring and right now he's lost and confused, just as I am.<p>So why do I stay? Because I love him. Because I remember my mother, her body torn and battered by cancer, in his arms, as he carried her to the car for her final ride. Because I remember him holding me while I cried at the loss of her. Because I remember the smile on his face and the love in his eyes as he held our first born daughter. Because I remember the fear and concern on his face when my daughter and I were almost killed by a drunk driver. Because I remember him slipping a ring onto my finger and promising me forever. I still want that forever.<p>His A has changed not only him but it has changed me as well. I no longer take my marriage for granted. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that I want him to be my forever. It's a long road with many bumps and twists and turns. But if you want it badly enough, then I believe you can find your way back and learn to trust again. <p>I wish you luck on your journey and I hope you find happiness again.

Cali -
You say "The question I ask myself daily is "Is restoring this marriage still a better option for me, than ending it and possibly beginning a new one?" I still love my WH very much... He is a terrific father and I want to raise our sons together. The answer is yes... for me... besides I married him for better and for worse... I hope it don't get much worse..."<p>That is where I, too, find myself. My answer is that No, I don't want this marriage to end. I want this marriage to flourish and become stronger than it has ever been before, but I still have my concerns about sincerity. The emails I intercepted that confirmed suspicions seem to paint quite a picture of what they are wanting for their future together - complete with her saying that she felt she has the wrong last name and wants a proposal from him "when our time is right".<p>
redhat -
You ask "What did you ask her that she is refusing to do ?" The answer there would be nothing. She has done absolutely everything that I asked. Like I stated originally she has a lot of "unsupervised" time since she works odd hours. She is home alone during the day since she returns home shortly after I leave for work. This is the timeframe that the A took place, and is still open time for her.<p>As for the recovery question, we are still very early in this stage, as I have only known for just shy of 2 months now. I feel we are progressing, but not nearly fast enough for me, not her I believe.<p>She will make the decisions that she will make - at this time I believe that they are decisions that are conducive to rebuilding the marriage. The flip-side of that would be my doubt of her, the deceit was rampant. That damn doubt...<p>Lastly, as we are only part way through the books, we have begun working on each other's EN. As a matter of fact, that EN questionairre was one of the first things I found here, I printed out a couple of copies and we did them very early on, and found it very, very helpful. <p>We are doing our work, but there is still much to be done. At least we are doing it together.<p>
JABH
Just Another Betrayed Husband

TinyDancer, just wanted to say your post made me cry....that is why I want to stay in my marriage as well...all of those things...though everyone in the world seems to think I'm stupid. <p>As for the doubt, it's only 2 weeks after dday (though the 3 week affair ended a month ago), for me...so doubt is still nagging me too. I find that my doubt stems from two things... 1)the uncertainty that we will go through all of this pain, "find" our marriage again, and then something will undermine it again AND 2) I feel like he needs to "learn his lesson" by me leaving and I want to "punish" him.<p>#1 scares me the most, #2 is my anger and vulnerability and is a lot easier to put to rest.<p>Most of the doubt I feel was there before the confession of the affair...we had lost ourselves months ago and I sometimes feel like everything is so far gone that there is no hope...I don't even know what to talk about except our problems. But the passion is still there, the attraction is still there, the past month we have been taking time for eachother instead of him devoting everything to work and me devoting everything to our son...so the fun and companionship is coming back...but the trust and communication is in the negative zone (though communication is getting better).<p>I'm just rattling on, but the doubt for me indicates how bad my trust was damaged...not just in him, but in me, in us, in the world. Everything is topsy-turvy and nothing makes sense. My doubt stems from not just do I trust him? but do I trust myself? And that right there scares the crud out of me!

Especially for you newbies...<p>This is hard... it is long... and though you want it over now... it won't be...<p>I longed for (and still do) that revelation my H would have and dreamed that he would fall on his knees begging my forgiveness... well "happily ever after" only happens in the movies and so to scenes like this... one book I read said "If it happens to you...beware...it's probably not real."<p>It is natural to have doubts and fears... for the first time we are faced with the reality that our spouse is not only attracted to someone else, but has acted on that attraction. Your spouse failed to protect their weakness and something in your relationship created the whole environment which allowed it to occur... scary, sad stuff... Your wife may backslide... I guess one thing I can thank my H for is that he won't make any promises and is NOT trying to reassure me... I'm not sure I could have taken that... and then had him continue to see OW... he said he didn't want me... he said he wouldn't give her up... no negotiation... and I have had to plan A and pray for the A's natural demise... (not that I haven't tried to help it along a little now and then... I am not a patient person and have discovered just how much of a controller I am)<p>I would have and still would give ANYTHING for:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We are doing our work, but there is still much to be done. At least we are doing it together <hr></blockquote> The WE says it all . <p> There is no we in my plan A... it is all me...<p>Cali

TinyDancer, Wow, what a beautiful post. Why do we stay? You said it so beautifully and explained how the love can continue through the pain. Thank you, I needed that today. Prayers, Ladysing

"Is love enough to overcome this? She says yes, I say no. A good M to me takes trust - not too much of that for her anymore."<p>According to your wife she is saying that she is in love with you and wants to stay married. Then what is reason that she gives you for cheating. Even if you were not meeting her ENs what is her justification for crossing the line. It would be interesting for her to post her and give an answer to this question.

JABH <p>You listed some of the books you are reading. I highly suggest that you read "Surviving An Affair". It will give you some ideas of things you can do to rebuild trust. Your wife will need to take extraordinary measures to earn trust back. She needs to account for every minute of her time. While she is alone during the day, she could call you a few times. She could also always be available to for you to call her. <p>Installing a keystroke tracker software on the computer can help too. This way you would know if she is in chat or sending emails.<p>THis is not punitive. What my H and I have done is that we both do these things. And there is a good reason for doing it. Something like 80% of all BS's end up having secondary affairs. You, yourself are very vulnerable to having an affair right now. So this would be a way to protect yourself too.<p>Have you and you wife filled out the EN questionaire yet? You will not feel safe until you and she figure out what led to the affair so that it can be repaired in your relationship. Your wife has total responsibility for choosing to have an affair. But both of you share the responsibilty for the state of your marriage. There is a problem in your marriage that has to be fixed.

TinyDancer-
You sound like a female version of me. I know what I said as my wedding vows, and I whole-heartedly believe in them. I also know what she said, but she faltered in hers. I feel that the M, as it stands right now, is crap. How can what is supposed to be a mutually fulfilling partnership be supported from only one side? She is trying so hard, but all this distrust and dubiousness of her words and actions really makes it hard for me. But I Love her, she is a good woman. Many times I have said to her what does not kill us will only make us stronger. Is that a LB?<p>Cali (again) -
She did drop on her knees and beg. This was not on D-Day, this was a couple of weeks later, when more information came forth. That action did give me a real sense of power in steering the relationship towards a positive outcome, but as you say "one book I read said "If it happens to you...beware...it's probably not real." Believe me, I have wondered that countless times. Is she sincere, or should she get an Oscar?<p>radium -
I have not posted my story (yet), but I would like to do that before the weekend. The reason I get from her that she had the A is that she felt that I did not Love her anymore. I did not make her feel special, and someone special from her past contacted her, made her feel special, and... well you know. I fully understands *why* she felt that. We would be at home together for several hours per evening, but I only saw her for 15-30 minutes a night. She was ignored by me unless I wanted my SF, then she was important. I continually beat myself up over that... even now. That has changed now. We spend virtually every minute that we can together. Talking (not only about the A now which is good progression), playing, cooking, working about the house, everything we can.<p>
zorweb -
Surviving the Affair huh? I have read After the Affair and figured that Surviving the Affair would be mostly redundant, but even if there is one thing in there that is different, it may be the one thing that I really, really need. Consider it ordered.<p>Thanks all! I really appreciate any and all points of view. Perhaps more will be clear when I post the story. I have pointed my W here (to the website and forums, not this specific thread), perhaps she will post when she recognizes me, her, and us.<p>JABH
Just Another Betrayed Husband

JABH,<p>I'm going to include a link to a thread I wrote a month ago or so. It might help to spark some introspection by you. Basically, my W had asked me HOW I could still love her......Here's the answer.<p>I hope this helps some.<p>Kev

After the Affair -vs- Surviving the Affair <p>Nope not redundant. And if you're going to stay around MB, it's a must read 'cause it's the basis for this forum.<p>It's great that you are willing to seek out information.

Kevco-
Ummmmm, wow. I had to stop reading it a few times since I am here at work, the teary eyes may be hard to sufficiently explain. <p>zorweb-
I judged a book by the cover, or title in this case. I will get Survivng the Affair. She actually borrowed my copy of His Needs Her Needs to read while I was reading it. She really liked it and could not hardly put it down until she was done. Well, she is now done with it, so I will get to finish it myself now. <p>As for the secondary A comment, she says she would understand it if I did. She says she would feel like a hypocrit if she said anything about it. Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for that. I have found the woman I Love. I need no other. I want no other.<p>--------<p>It amazes me still how powerful this board can be, how it can help focus things. I have hundreds of hours of thought on this A and the impact on us and on our future, but a couple of hours reading and composing makes me feel like I have shifted gears. <p>For a long time I felt exactly like TinyDancer - that I would not put up with this, that this could not happen to me, this would never happen by her. Then it happened to me... my how your world can be picked up and shaken. <p>I do Love her. We can make this work.<p>
Thanks for your therapy, and sage words of advise!<p>JABH
Just Another Betrayed Husband