I am in a marriage that is definately on the ROCKS. WE were married 20 yrs ago, have 3 sons ranging in age from 5 to 18. Things have been going downhill for the last 5 years since I became ill with a disease called Hidradenitis suppurativa. I dont know where to start, so i will try the most recent problem.....he has a friend at work, a female. They have become best friends in the past 2 years.....he talks to her at great length, sends her loving affectionate email....they send each other little e mail jokes, greetings and feel good messages. I have been checking his e mail and reading all these....I know i should not have, but I was desperate.....the one he wrote her after new years really upset me. He told her that he cherished ever day they spent together....and that he was miserable when he did not get to see her....(they work together in the same dept.)he said the last 2 weekswithout her there had sucked(he was home 1 week of that time with his family). He told her he would be always there ifshe neededhim........i barely made it thru the letter without bawling my eyes out.....I asked him about it and he got mad insisting that they were just friends and that he has nothing to hide....In the 20 yrs we have been married, he has never EVER said or done those types of letter sto me......I want to believe him....but I am having a really hard time. We said some pretty hateful things to each other, but he has agreed to go to a marriage counselor because he says we have more problems than his friend at work.....I agree.....now we are looking for a counselor...wondering if anyone can help us get back to the way we were......Any advice would be appreciated.

I am so sorry that you have had to find us here at MB. But at the same time, am glad you did. There is SO much information on this site, that it takes a few weeks to get it sunk well in (at least it took that long with me... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>If you can draw any comfort from this, let me assure you that your situation is not at all unique on here. There are MANY people who are going through or have gone through similar situations.<p>One thing that it looks like (for now?) from what you wrote is that the 'relationship' between your H (husband) and his co-worker (OW - other woman) is an EA (Emotional Affair). You may have caught him before it turned to a PA (Physical Affair).<p>I don't post as much now as I used to, but I hate seeing "0" replies for any length of time. It isn't normal on here, be sure of that. The peak times are during the afternoon on weekdays.<p>I don't know what advice to give you other than the usual read, read, read, and read some more on this website. And of course, keep on posting with any questions or vents you may have. Even if you don't get many written responses, you can be assured that LOTS of people are reading what's on your mind, and can empathize.<p>Take care,<p>Karen

Hmmm...
Hi pattyh,
Yes I agree with Topie that your H is embroiled in an emotional affair with his coworker.<p>Harley would recommend that he QUIT THAT JOB and get another one. Quit sending and receiving e-mails from OW and definitely start rebuilding the marriage together with you.<p>Download the questionnaires and you guys fill them out together. That would be a good start. If you are going to spend any $$ on counseling, why not try giving Steve Harley a phone call??? Read all you can here, starting with this info on how affairs should end:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
<strong>Affairs usually take place because they meet important emotional needs. But most affairs meet only some emotional needs not met in marriage, leaving others that are being met by a spouse. That fact usually rules out the possibility of divorce, at least for the spouse having the affair. The wayward spouse knows that the lover, for some reason, is not able to meet some of the needs met by his or her spouse. So most affairs are never intended to lead to divorce and remarriage, but are "safety-valve" relationships that satisfy a need not met in marriage... <p>...In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Above is an excerpt from
Coping With Infidelity Part 2: How Should Affairs End.

By all means READ Harley's book Surviving and Affair and the book Affairs by Emily Brown. ( she is expert in emotional affairs.) I knew my H and I were unhappy but didnt realize the extent to which he was involved with a single female coworker who worked in his marketing dept. Their EA turned PA last year and all heck broke loose. She fed his ego daily and encouraged him to divorce me and run off with her! We'd been married 15 yrs, 3 kids and I NEVER thought he would do this to us! But he DID!Dont wait till your marriage is hanging by a very thread as I did!Find a great marriage counselor and read read read about affairs! Tell your H about the danger of friendships turning into affairs. My H's went full force after the company xmas party last year that spouses weren't included in .( Company attempt to save money!) It turned out to be OW"s birthday and one thing led to another to another and we nearly ended up in a full blown divorce a few months later. There is no way H can remain 'friends' with OW if your marriage is to have an equal chance to recover. My H's OW took a job transfer to another state and she was STILL influencing his decisions for a few months! Coworker friendships are DANGEROUS- trust me!!!!!lifeismessy Married 15 yrs 3 kids ages - 14, 10 and 4

pattyh --<p>I'm very sorry for the situation that has brought you here to MB, but I know you have come to the right place with your problem. There are many wise, knowledgeable, and supportive people here who have helped an awful lot of folks just like you, so you're among friends now...<p>You've already received excellent responses so I'll just add my agreement to what's been said. Just get in here and browse around in this forum and any of the others. Read the articles on this site. Read the recommended books. There's an amazing amount of help out there--much right here--and certainly more on the internet.<p>I agree with your search for a counselor. Get some solid recommendations and try one--if that person doesn't work, switch and get another. Some are great and some aren't. The main consideration right now is you. You need to find things that help you and support you. Right here is a good place to start. <p>Please post again soon and let us know how you're doing. We hear you and we're with you...<p>Ammon