Hello Friends,<p>Would you please tell me what your experiences are relative to WS being in A with former HS sweethearts? All opinions and comments are welcome. Thanks, Estes<p>________________________________________________
Here is the data for my WDIL.<p>How many years since HS: 15 years<p>Depth of earlier relationship: Went steady for 2 years, planned to marry<p>Reason for breakup: He jilted her.<p>Contact since breakup: None until A began<p>How was contact reestablished: She contacted him to tell him she forgave him of dumping her years ago.<p>Has WS said they will not ever be able to forget OP? (even if A ends): Yes<p>Duration of A: 11 months, ongoing - off and on<p>Do WS and OP live in different locations; how did that affect the A?: Yes, WDIL moved to his state.<p>Reason for end of A (if applicable): N/A [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Do you think that there is a greater risk of the WS choosing to leave M for OP if the OP is a HS sweetheart rather than a more recent acquaintance? : <p>
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Thanks everyone. I'll let you know the results. I'm concerned that the "history" that the WS and OP have is stronger than WS and BS's history. Seems like their relationship which is older than M will continue like a cloud over the M.<p>Estes

Estes, You must have read my post to Boppo57 earlier, as I was wondering the same thing and there are so many appearing here recently.<p>WH/OW neighborhood/HS sweethearts 23-24 years ago, was never intimate <p>WH says that they were engaged, (none of his friends or siblings remember this)<p>She broke engagement(wasn't ready)<p>WH joined the AF<p>Wh has had contact on and off over years, OW was from a large family that he was friends with.<p>Not sure who started contact via e mail while WH was in Korea on remote<p>WH used the "soulmate" word<p>WH says that I asked him to marry me and he was flattered (We agreed to get married there wasn't a true proposal)<p>Have seen each other only 2 or 3 times in the last 20 years, 4 times in the last year.<p>WH wants OW to move to Utah with him, hasn't happened yet, am not sure why. She lives in FL, I live in SD, 20 yo S lives with WH<p>Contact continueous since Nov 98, EA probably since Oct 99, D day Jan 01, am not sure if went PA

Okay, I`ll answer, my H and EA woman did not go to highschool together but they did date a couple of years before my H and I met so I guess this would be applicable to your poll. There was no PA as far as I know so far but there definitely was an EA.
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How many years since HS: H and EA woman first hooked up about 14 years ago.<p>Depth of earlier relationship: They only semi- dated for a couple of months, they were basically f**k friends. I am sorry to be so crude but I don`t know of a better phrase to describe it. I know she cared more for my H than he did for her, she was bascially just a good time for him at that point. My H was also seeing someone else while seeing her.<p>Reason for breakup: EA woman lied about her age, she was a minor and as soon as my H found out he dumped her.<p>Contact since breakup: They never lost contact, in fact it was EA woman who introduced my H and I. <p>How was contact reestablished: Again they never lost contact.<p>Has WS said they will not ever be able to forget OP? (even if A ends): Nope, he`ll never forget her and she`s not helping us to forget her. She keeps trying to contact us through various bizarre methods. <p>Duration of A: I`d say the EA lasted for at least 6 years. Hard to tell, I`m still not getting the truth. I know that about 2 years into our marriage that they discussed having sex (but supposedly didn`t) By my definiton that was the start of the EA. It lasted until the summer of 2000.<p>Do WS and OP live in different locations; EA woman moved alot and was sometimes several miles from us. My H would periodically make a point of going to see her though. Usually alone.<p>Reason for end of A (if applicable): It was me or her. He chose me.<p>Do you think that there is a greater risk of the WS choosing to leave M for OP if the OP is a HS sweetheart rather than a more recent acquaintance? : My H did have a ONS with yet another woman and told EA woman about it. I figure they both assumed that as soon as I found about the ONS I would dump my H. He thought about what he would do it I did leave him. He considered EA woman as a back up but decided that she would not be a good choice for him. She didn`t have the qualities that he was looking for in a wife ergo he never got heavily involved with her in the first place. The EA was an ego stroke more than anything else.<p>
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Thanks everyone. I'll let you know the results. I'm concerned that the "history" that the WS and OP have is stronger than WS and BS's history. Seems like their relationship which is older than M will continue like a cloud over the M.<p>Estes[/QB][/QUOTE]

How many years since HS: 28 years<p>Depth of earlier relationship: Dated his twin brother in High School, don't know how long. My wife dated alot in High School- Homecoming Queen-very popular-etc. Based on e-mails, OP always had a desire for my wife, but never acted on it.<p>Reason for breakup: NA<p>Contact since breakup: None until A began<p>How was contact reestablished: He contacted her to say hello on alumni web site. She showed me
e-mail and wrote back that she was "happily married". Unbeknownst to me, things kept going.<p>Has WS said they will not ever be able to forget OP? (even if A ends): Not yet- but it looks that way from the e-mails I've read<p>Duration of A: not sure- think internet started in 8/01. Physical affair proably 10/01<p>Do WS and OP live in different locations: he lives about 2 hours away; <p>Reason for end of A (if applicable): N/A <p>Do you think that there is a greater risk of the WS choosing to leave M for OP if the OP is a HS sweetheart rather than a more recent acquaintance? : can't really say, but WS did say to me once that "they are old firends-have known each other for years". And OP says in e-mails "he has loved her since High School and wishes he hadn't waited so long to find her.

Well I think in a round about way my husband's high school sweetheart contributed in the failure of his first marriage. She was his high school sweetheart and his sweetheart when he first attended college. He planned to marry her. She dumped him a few years into their relationship. He never forgot her, thought about her often and even kept a personal thing that reminded him of her. He went through his young adult life thinking he'd never be able to love like that, never find anybody as perfect for him as she was. When he met his first wife she adored him, loved him..he was fond of her, cared deeply for her but didn't love her the way he had loved his sweetheart. He felt that he'd never have that kind of love again and would have to settle for the closest he could get to that. He felt this way when he married. Felt this way during his marriage. When he first met me he said all of the emotions, feelings that he had felt in regards to his high school sweetheart hit him like a brick. So in some ways his high school sweet heart did affect him and his marriage years later.

Everybody!
I had an EA affair with my HS 20 years after school. Have been together for 4 years at the age of 16-20. I left him because he didn't meet my ENs. Have a great H, good family.
Before I found this site, I was "lucky" enough to come across a book about Lost Lovers that explains a lot of chemistry between two people who were in love during their teens and meet again many years later. There is a lot of truth in it: these are very special relationships, BUT they are affairs like others. Highschool sweethearts, if they were really in love, remember each other their whole life and compare their current relationships with their first love for years.<p>When we met again I felt in love with my HS all over again, so did he. We are very far in distance and it helps to keep the contact to minimum. It was not easy to come back to reality after initial meeting with him full of romance and affection. I looked at my marriage and found no problems and pretty much all EN met. But I am still drawn to former lover, even understanding that marriage with him would be a disaster. And with no avail to see each other the contacts seem so innocent...<p>For those who are interested: you can visit lostlovers.com. There are a lot of soul searching there, but it will help you understand your spouses. I'll allow my self to quote the author of the book Dr.Kalish: "The abnormal biology of puberty gives these young romances a special quality. Our bodies learn to respond to this one person, as an imprinting, announcing to us what love feels like." That's for better understanding of your Ss feelings, but not to excuse them. I've struggling with my own infidelity for almost a year now, couldn't stop the contacts, but it's another thread. I believe these As are more dangerous for families because people don't look for them: special emotions are already deep inside and years apart could make them deeper. <p>But the ways to healing are very much the same: no contact, no what ifs, ENs, etc.
Did I help anyone?

My STBX got his OW pregnant in high school when she was 15. She had an abortion. He broke it off with her then. He hasn't changed too much since high school. He ran into her working at a bar in December, 2001. Now they are "in LOVE" and he's divorcing me for her.

Estes, IMHO the big, giant screaming factor in your S and DIL's relationship is her uncontrolled mood disorder. You've got to know by now that this has very little to do with the HS sweetheart.<p>If she's cycling it could have been the mailman who reminder her of the HS sweetheart, a bus boy with a twinkle in his eye or any other shcmo that happened to come along.<p>It's pretty common to have flings with ex's. They're considered "safe". In my circles we call that picking through the garbage. Not that the ex's are trash. But once thrown away, they generally need to stay that way.<p>I'll lay cash money that if your DIL ends up with the HS sweetheart she'll come knocking on your S's door the next time she cycles.<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</p>

How many years since HS: 13 years<p>Depth of earlier relationship: Dated 1.5 - 2 years<p>Reason for breakup: she left for college and parents would pay for college if she quit seeing him<p>Contact since breakup: None until A began<p>How was contact reestablished: Found each other through Classmates.com, friendly emails at first though the tenor changed quickly<p>Has WS said they will not ever be able to forget OP? (even if A ends): Not in so many words, she will never forget, but she professes anger towards him for hurting her this time. Believes this may be 'revenge' for what she did to him before<p>Duration of A: 6-7 weeks<p>Do WS and OP live in different locations; how did that affect the A?: They live about 50 miles apart or so<p>Reason for end of A (if applicable): She says she was ending it before I found out, I have emails that make me believe this somewhat. I think she realized she was making a mistake.<p>Do you think that there is a greater risk of the WS choosing to leave M for OP if the OP is a HS sweetheart rather than a more recent acquaintance? : YES! This guy was her first real love. It seems that this relationship took the course of the last one, replaying old memories, old events. The spark seems to happen quite rapidly. I remember my first love and am thankful that I don't have any contact with her other than very sporadically. The last time would be before I met my W now, or at the very earliest before we got serious.

I'm not sure how long any of you guys were single before you got married. I have never been married and I am 31.5. So I have a LOT of years of dating experience under my belt. And have been approached my many, many married men.<p>From my experience, here's now it works. WS is feeling ________ (you'll have to fill in the blank because I don't know). And then the trolling for potential partners begins. Over and over and over my girlfriends and I get calls from ex BF's, HS sweethearts, guys you dated 1x.<p>IMHO it's not about the HS sweetheart. They are actually incidental.<p>EVERY guy that I have ever dated, that is now married, has called me after a fight with his wife. It ALWAYS begins the same way "why didn't I marry you when I had the chance. Let's have coffee..." Or "i'm happily married, I love her, the kids are great, lets be friends..." Why is it that these guys who want to be friends never call and say "I was thinking about you recently, come have meet MY W AND I for coffee." If the guys looking for an affair it NEVER happens like that.<p>When a married person wants to hang out with a single person of the opposite sex and it's ALWAYS without the spouse, it's shady! If the spouse doesn't even know about the single person. IT's SHADY!<p>What WS's do is slowly, slowly replace the BS as friend and confidant. Before you know it, blam-o LOVERS!<p>Just one former OW's opinion.

great Idea Dawn and EStes. I had the same thoughts. here's my story:<p>
How many years since HS: 20 years, They didn't go to same school but lost their virginity to each other at 16 which my wife never told me. She said 18 so I wouldn't think less of her. She went to Catholic school.<p>Depth of earlier relationship: dated during summers for a couple of years<p>Reason for breakup: Not sure but praobably do to distance at such a young age.<p>Contact since breakup: None until A began<p>How was contact reestablished: He contacted my WW thru Classmates.com in mid- July<p>Has WS said they will not ever be able to forget OP? (even if A ends): Emphatic Yes! She will always remember him,love him and forever be with him in her heart". Used the soulmate word as well. Even divine inervention that they were brought back together. <p>Duration of A: Since July, had sex during 1st renevous in Sept. <p>Do WS and OP live in different locations; how did that affect the A?: Yes, OM lives in another state. I think it helps sicne hey don't have a chance to see each others fault and there's always a newness and anticipation sicne they don't see each other daily. <p>Reason for end of A (if applicable): apparently he broke it off bc it became too complicated. <p>Do you think that there is a greater risk of the WS choosing to leave M for OP if the OP is a HS sweetheart rather than a more recent acquaintance? : Definitely! Yes there's the age of innocence, the adolescence, the excitement that came with your 1st sexual exp. and the yearning to rediscover that when you M becomes too familar. Remember how exciting sex was when you your parents were sleeping in the other room or upstairs? The element of getting caught and knowing what you were doing was wrong? Sex in an elevator, that kind of stuff? I think that's what its about with PAs!

Estes,
I just ended a 6 month EA/PA with my former HS Sweetheart the 1st of Oct. (Actually we started dating shortly after HS.) Here are my answers to your questions:<p>24 years since HS.<p>Our relationship was very serious, we wanted to get married. But only dated exclusivly for about 9 months. And continued to see each other until I met my H.<p>We broke up because he wanted to date other women.<p>Contact between us was once at our 10 year class reunion. And again during our A.<p>He contacted me through Classmates.com. He said that he felt badly about how he broke up with me and that he never had forgotten me.<p>No, I have never said that I will forget him. I think that is next to impossible. In fact,I hope to never forget him, not because I still love him, but because I don't ever want to forget the damage I caused by having a relationship with him.<p>My A with him lasted 6 months, and I have not had contact with him in over 3 months now.<p>We lived over 1000 miles apart from each other. So that was probably a good thing. Otherwise our EA would have gone PA alot sooner. <p>I ended my affair as soon as my H found out. It was the best thing that could have happened to me.<p>I don't think that there is a greater chance for the WS to leave with the OP just because they were HS Sweethearts. What I think happens though, is that it becomes intense much more quickly than A's with someone you just met, because of the past history. Faraway and I both come from the website that she talks about. We both have posted there. There are a lot of lost souls there. All of these people believe these LL's(Lost Lovers)are their soulmates. There is truth to the imprinting that she (Faraway) talks about. That is why I think that these relationships are so fast to ignite. Katie Scarlet it right though, once these relationships are over, don't revisit them.<p>I'd like to comment on something that Daybreak mentioned. And that there seem to be more situations like these showing up here. Mine is one of them. I just think that even though the internet is a wonderful thing, and I admit, I am addicted somewhat to it. But, it is just way too easy to find people nowdays. All's it take is one click of a button and you are there. It just makes it that much more easier to find those old HS Sweethearts and make those dreams turn into a nightmare.<p>I hope this helps you out Estes.
1step

Wow,<p>Thank you everyone for the insightful replies. I've already learned a lot. Estes<p>daybreak: As a matter of fact I did read your post. I had been thinking about asking the forum this question and your comment prompted me to do it. Thanks for the jump start. I'm sorry that your H's A has dragged on so long. Don't know how you have dealt with the pain for so long. <p>
Daisy37 : I can't imagine how hard it must be to have the knowledge of their relationship hanging over your marriage. OW sounds like a sad case.<p>
Boppo57: It's scary to think that the attraction is still there after almost three decades!<p>
BonnieSept: It would be interesting to conduct a study about first loves and how that relationship affected future ones, as in your H's case.<p>
Thanks, y'all

It is too bad that the HS sweetheart thing can't be left as "What might have been" so many I am sure leave it at just that and then there are the WS's that have to pursue it, they are weak.<p>I did not have a HS sweetheart, there was a guy back home that it was just kind of assumed that we would hook up and because of that never did, definite!! But yes I wonder "What if?" do I pursue it? No!! I have what I want and need right here at home!! Why tempt myself?<p>Just an additional 2 cents worth!!<p>Dawn<p>Estes,
I just do, I have faith that the Lord is taking care of this for me and will let me know what it is He wants for me to do...

FarAway: Thank you for the referral to the book and web site. I will order it ASAP. What you quoted makes a lot of sense, but the power an old love implies makes me anxious. You made reference to your story being one for another thread. Have you posted the thread yet, or can we look forward to seeing it soon? WS working to rebuild their M are welcome here. It seems that you are trying to make things better. <p>http://www.lostlovers.com/book.html<p>
MOM: I have been following your story and feel so bad for what you are going through. Hugs to you and your children. <p>
Katie: What you say about HS sweethearts being safe sounds right on the money. What you say about her coming back upsets me. I want S to get settled and not be on an emotional yoyo. If she wants to go, then go. Quit tearing BS apart. Please explain cycling. Does it happen quickly? I've heard that some people are primarily manic, and some primarily depressive. I think DIL is deeper into depression. She had post-partum depression, too. I worry about the "..in sickness and in health" part of the marriage vows. How much does the BS owe the WS who emotionally ill but tearing the M apart by committing adultery? I think I understand what you are saying about HS being incidental, maybe convenient and ready made relationship.<p>
Angling 4nswers: Your posts were partly responsible for my starting this thread. It's a tough thing you are going through. I'm sure you are worried and frustrated with WW at the same time. I hope that contact will stop with OM and she will move back home with you.<p>
1stepatatime: Congratulations on your strong recovery. You have made some very wise observations. I understand your point about the quick igniting of strong feelings. Fast and powerful. I think we are already seeing a pattern in this poll about the impact of the internet, Classmates.com, etc. Makes it easier and less threatening to reestablish contact. Thanks a lot.<p>Thank you everybody.
Estes

Boy am I glad I read this thread in time. My husband and I are seperated, he's living with OW. I've kind of been thinking of searching for my highschool boyfriend (if you can call him that, we stayed together less than 2 months). Now I can see that it is NOT a good idea! Truly I wasn't hoping to rekindle a romance, just curious to see how he's going. Considering how vulnerable I am right now, thanks to my husband abandoning me, I can see it would be very foolish to look up this guy. Saved just in time!! :-)<p>Evensong

Dear Estes,<p>She`s still trying to contact us but without any success. My H is not any more interested in renewing contact with her than I am. I guess the e-mail she sent us about being thrown in jail and having her children taken away and planning on killing herself was the wakeup call for him. We did run into her a few weeks ago (yeah the suicide bit was a pathetic ploy) my H spotted her while waiting to see the Santa Clause parade and I was in a nearby store. He sent my son in after me and we all hightailed it out of there. He made sure than NONE of us had any contact with her. She`s not a factor any more, she`s more of an annoyance than anything else. <p>I have my name listed at classmates.com. I am rethinking that one.

Evensong,<p>Glad this thread was helpful to you. I think there is really something to the hypothesis that access by internet is making it easier to rekindle old love. You're right. Don't go there.<p>Take care,
Estes

Estes,<p>Re: cycling
Bouts of mania followed by bouts of depression are what is known as cycling. The change in mood tends to come in a cyclic fashion. Some people rapid cycle. THis used to happen to me when things got really bad. I'd wake up so depressed that i'd be suicidal. Make coffee to try and give myself a lift. Have 1/2 a cup and be totally high and jovial (with a thick layer of depression underneath). Not just happy but bouncing of the walls. 2 hours later that happy high would desenegrate into jittery edginess and then slip back into suicidal depression. All of that before 10am.<p>This is kind of an extreme example, but it's true and represenative.<p>Most people have longer cycles. Sometime lasting years or months. Months of depression that suddenly lifts (or turns into mania). Or months of mania that just go away.<p>I don't know your DIL, but I DO know about mood disorders. If I had to guess here's what i'd say is happening with your DIL.<p>She was feeling a low level of depression for a while. She could not figure out why. No matter what she did to lift herself it just got worse and worse. Or just remained the same. She calls this HS sweetheart and suddenly she's feeling happy. So of course she's thinking, he's the reason that she's feeling good. <p>That low level depression that never seems to go away is crushing in a way that you cannot even begin to understand. It's like a low heat that slowly, slowly gets turned up. Eventually you're so (quietly) desperate that you'll do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to make it go away. It's the kind of thing that's easy to hide and impossible to live with. So when the manic happens it's like heaven on earth. Finally sweet relief. Even if it's just a bit of relief you become 100% unwilling to got back to that hell inside of your head. <p>THe problem is that undiagnosed people don't understand that it's an organic problem. Lots of folks with this problem thing H=depression, OP=happiness.<p>Also, bi-polar people often become addicted to the mania. (It's an amazing feeling.) Then a lot of addictive behavior kicks in. You become a junkie seeking that high.<p>Then you even out for a bit, make ovatures to get your life back together (ie. have your son come to where she is). BUt the problem is that if you're cycling or have been recently your hypersensative to change. <p>So he moves to where she is and it's too much for her. She's overwhelmed and probably moody, distant or even angry.<p>And what's more, if she began treatment today (talk therapy, meds, bahavior mod) it would probably be 6-12 months before she's making solid decisions again. 1-2 moths for the meds to be doing their job. 3 months to feel really truely sane again. 6 months to trust that that sanity is real. THEN she can begin working on her marriage in any meaningful way.<p>I know that all of this sounds bleak. It's hard. BUt if she's really suffering from a mood disorder than it's a REALLY bad idea to let her call the shots. Because if she's on an emotional roller coaster she can't help but take you with her.<p>Good Luck
KS<p>also there is an excellent book out by a Dr. who suffers from M/D. The book is called "An Unquiet Mind" by Dr. Kay Jamison. She's a shrink who cycled for a long time and is currently medically managed with drugs. (Lithium I think)

Katie,<p>Thank you so much. What you describe is so much like their situation. I recognize many of DIL's behaviors in what you describe. I agree that she saw OM as a solution to how bad she was feeling. I will send your post to S. It should be helpful for him to understand her better. I don't know how long he can afford emotionally to deal with this. We all know her recovery will take a long, long time.<p>I appreciate your input, Katie. I'm glad you are doing OK.<p>Estes