I'm not sure what to do next! This is the third return and it feels different! He says he is over the withdrawal and out of the fog this time. He seems genuinly remorseful and has even cried. The last 2 times he admitted that he wasn't guilty or remorseful.<p>So now what? I had him go back to his apartment last night because it didn't feel right to just welcome him with open arms.<p>I have read everything I can get my hand on, but there isn't much advise for what to do when he wants to come home. I am afraid to move to fast! <p>I am scared to death!! Help! What do we do first?<p>Le

I think a good person to post to here would be Lor (Lor)... she and her H had several separations and back togethers...<p>Cali<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

Hi Moving Forward.....<p>Very wonderful news Hon!<p>BUT ..... (always a "but", huh?) You absolutely need to talk with Lora about this. When her H wanted to come home he too was remorseful, crying, said he'd do all the things he needed to (counseling, No contact, STD tests, etc.) and never did any of them. Actually he did do "one" counseling session, but Lora had to move heaven and earth to get that.<p>At this stage in your spouse's decision you have so much leverage, please use it wisely!<p>I will email Lora and have her respond to you ASAP!<p>Best of luck and God Bless you!<p>Love,
Jo<p>p.s. Lor and Lora are two different MBer's but both can offer sound and experienced advice.<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Well with my H the third time was the charm. There was an obvious difference in his demeanor that time. VERY remorseful, promised that if I let him come home it would be the last time. No more revolving door. I also made it clear that if he left again after those promises the door closed behind him forever. That night he told me "Getting to come home to you again is like I was just released from prison." (and yet the OW are always referring to the wife as "the warden" lol). Sometimes you have to go with your gut. He was instantly much more relaxed than the other 2 times he came home.

I'll try not to be the voice of doom and gloom here, and sice I only have one return under my belt, maybe I am not the right one to advise anyway.<p>But if I was doing it again I would expect him to take more of the lead. What is his plan for recovery so that it doesnt happen again? What is his plan to cut off contact with OW? They are so dang convincing when we want to beleive them, and even when we have doubts. I think they really beleive, yet are not prepared to have withdrawl from OW, are not prepared for the time it takes to feel in love with your spouse again.<p>And talk is cheap, I would expect him to take some action proir to moving back. cut off contact with OW, spend time with you, take the initiative to call to set up counseling appointments.<p>Go back and read the Harleys plan for recovery. And get a committment from him to follow some sort of plan, the Harleys or a mututally agreed upon one. <p>Make him think about why this happened and expain it to you, get him to look at things instead of just wanting it to be over.<p>Good luck, let us know what you deceide.
Lora

I hate to be gloom and doom as well, but I agree that talk is cheap. My exWH came and left five times and the only thing he learned each time was to make up better lies to me. He said all the right things and even did all the right things at first. If I were you, I would be very leery about letting him come home until you have LOTS of proof that OW is out of picture and he is sincere.

Hi Moving ~<p>I had one false attempt with my H. He said all the right stuff, even started counseling with Steve Harley. He didn't actually move home - his idea was that we would "see" if we could reconcile.<p>It was all a bunch of bull honkey jonas!<p>I filed for a D.<p>
About 4 or 5 months later, before our court date, he came to me with a totally different attitude.<p>And so, I negotiated with him what I wanted and needed from him before I would consider his return. These things included an immediate nocontact letter to his OW, access to his voicemamil, cell bill, email (including work), and access to all financial accounts.<p>I had those things in hand before I said OK move home. When he moved home, he had spent a month demonstrating to me his sincerity and backing up his promises with action. <p>A totally different attitude is a start...but what is your H willing to do?

Thank you all for your words of advice and encouragement!<p>It feels totally different this time! He refused to write a "no contact" letter before but this time it's already in the mail and he let me read it and be the one to mail it.<p>He also has an appointment with our pastor for individual counseling before we start marriage counseling. He said that he know he has issues of his own that need to be worked out first.<p>My gut and my heart both tell me this is for real, but my brain is saying, "be smart and take it very, very slow!"<p>Thanks again and if anyone has more helpful advise, please let me know!!<p>Le

MF, Good luck and God bless! I sincerely hope that everything works out for you. Since I doubt if my H will ever be in the place your H is in, I can offer no advice, but I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Whatever you decide, I hope it is the best decision for YOU.
BH

And talk is cheap, I would expect him to take some action proir to moving back. cut off contact with OW, spend time with you, take the initiative to call to set up counseling appointments.<p>Go back and read the Harleys plan for recovery. And get a committment from him to follow some sort of plan, the Harleys or a mututally agreed upon one.
Absolutely, positively essential!!!<p>Discuss these things with him and let him have some input (Policy of Joint Agreement). Make sure you have a plan in place BEFORE he moves back in!!