I found this post on the divorced/divorcing forum...<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=005317<p>Interesting, eh?<p>Cali

Cali,<p>I saw all these things, too, when my husband was headed through MLC.<p>I found I'm a alot tougher than I thought I was. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He's nearly across the field, and almost finished with the last stage.<p>I spent the day with him yesterday, and was so happy to see him smiling more than he has in a long time. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I also found that I was glad I had stayed and hung in there with him.<p>He was always a good man, and I knew this; he was just having a rough time.
We are working things out a little at a time. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And I know we'll be ok.

Hi!
My husband is in a midlife crises. We have been married 20 years, and we have 5 kids. Gave me the MLC speech in Aug. 2001, and moved out. Of course he denies being in a MLC, but that is usually what they do. I am still waiting for him to come back to earth, and off the "Space Ship". He is still confused, and says the weirdest things. Still not making much sense. One minute he says one thing, the next the total opposite. He's still making me CrAzY!
Another forum you might want to check out is:
midlifeclub.com Take care!

I just got a Praying Wife, Great Read!!<p>Had thought pretty much that there was no hope left as what WH is saying and then I'm lead to read this book and the hope is back. <p>Don't know if I like that or not, I know the roller coaster thing! I've always hated roller coasters.<p>Yeah, Love is patient and kind....also trust....
Dawn

^^bump^^

<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

thanks cali, I finally read more into the thread and made it to jim conways site.. i think, with the surveys.. H fits the bill... funny, he is only 34, and we have discussed, at least counselors and I have.. he has never been totally responsible anyway.. but a lot more than lately, and he was burned out working... Oh well, it is terrible that they blame us for so much of the problems... right? i will read more of this later.. thanks for this link, it is very helpful... this thread I mean, and the links.<p>honey

^bump^ for hopeless in indiana

this is a good thread. My WH has been in MLC for over 3 years now. YUK. I've been away all weekend at a traveling soccer tournament & will post later. Just catching up. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Just thought of something funnny - last time WS (MLC) was home, he brought me to hair place to look at gettinga toupe (is that MLC or what??? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Daybreak and Cali,<p>Your midlife threads have given the real first glimmer of hope for my marriage in at least a year. Thank you so much for posting them. I am embarrassed to say that I had no idea how involved a man's MLC truly is!!

I printed out the material and left it on keybd for huz to see this a.m. when he left. To my delight on the back of last page (he left it turned over for me to see it)is a red crayon 4" diameter smiley he drew with blushed cheeks. A huge embarrassed smiley!!! (Thank you Lord.)<p>I am convinced this roller coaster has been so much due to his MLC. Personally, I don't find it amusing that MLCs are laughed at in society. I NEVER had a clue how involved they are, how devastating to a man. I am an empathetic woman. My intense anger, inability to pray, among other attitudes and emotions, could have been quite different if I had known the truth about MLC.<p>OK. So now here we are. Seem to be at an understanding about generally what is going on in our marriage. Anyone out there been here? Have husband realize, what next? Will he stay on another planet? To me, reaching this plateau, both of us in agreement, should be a huge step in reconciliation. Time for a night away from kids again? I think so!! Or will that put more pressure on him? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

sobroken,<p>Sorry, I just can't stay away from these MLC threads... even when they only get bumped... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Embarrassment was a big deal for me (probably during my withdrawal and depression stage). I was unable to function, thought I was a failure at everything, saw everything crumbling around me (my W had an internet EA- about a year ago). I was an inactive "lump" for quite a while.<p>... Unable to admit (even to myself) that anything was wrong, I seemed powerless to stop the free fall.<p>A good perspective on things is contained in "Passionate Marriage", by David Schnarch. It's helping me with the "acceptance" stage - at least I hope that's where I am. It's pretty clear that, for a person like me, a MLC is inevitable. I tried to meet *everyone* else's image of success (reflected sense of self). I succeeded at it very well for a long time and never had to make choices of my own. What/Who am I??? That's my crucible (Schnarch's language)- I must decide who *I* want to be and match that decision with my actions.<p>You said:
"Or will that put more pressure on him?"<p>Right now everything puts pressure on me and probably your H too. The pressure comes from realizing I have to decide and then do things (or not do things as the case may be) then my W will also get to choose how she responds... she gets pulled into the crucible too, whether she likes it or not. I don't blame her for the pressure, but in other circumstances (or less knowledge) I might have. She's been pretty understanding so far and occasionally makes jokes about my state- very nervous jokes.<p>We're also at a plateau, and I'm pretty skilled at maintaining this comfort level, as long as I don't move forward toward defining who I am. I'm resigned to the inevitability of change and I'm hoping we both come out better because of it. Schnarch is very definite about the inevitability of the "crucible" occurring in every longterm marriage. <p>I guess I'm suggesting that you read "The Passionate Marriage". For me, it's turning out to be a very useful piece of the puzzle, just as useful as the MB information. Lately, every story here has seemed to be just another illustration of Schnarch's crucible with couples who are emotionally fused to each other.

Jeffers

^bump^ for newbies