OK, here's what's been going on in my life. I confronted my H about the expensive watch he bought OW for Christmas and about the secret credit card. He was pretty quiet during that conversation, but I told him that his relationship with her has to stop and even discussed having him transferred so that we can start over somewhere else. He knows that I never wanted to leave this area so he has to understand how serious I am. Then I drove up to him as he was leaving OW's apartment to go to work a few days later. Yes, he was only there about 30 seconds and was there to get some paperwork signed for work. Although it was devastating to see him there I do see some positive signs. If he can't live without her why is he not lying to me about when he has to work and leaving an hour early to spend some time with her. (He truely was only there about 30 seconds after he spent all morning and part of the afternoon lounging around our house.) Well, another long conversation that night and this time he did most of the talking. He said he still was not sure what he should do, but knew that he had to make up his mind soon. He agreed that things have been a lot better. He said that we could probably get past this and have a pretty good, then he said no, pretty awesome future together. He said he also thought he could be pretty happy with her. (Yes, he doesn't think the statistics pertain to him.) He told me that the credit card was opened and used "mostly" to support his expensive hobby, and that he was ashamed of doing that and spending so much $ on himself. (Yes, I do believe this.) <p>So, it is almost like we are at square one. But I feel like the past 5 months at home and the the 2 months we were separated (sort of) have had an impact. Through my Plan A he sees that I do love him and will do my best to make him happy, and that living with me isn't so bad after all. And I have seen some major changes in him as well. He is still far from the perfect husband, but he has been spending lots of time alone with me, communicating with me much more, and even showing a little affection. A little vacation, and lots of SF! He does not come home crabby as hell everyday like he did a year ago. He has expressed remorse for hurting me so much. He was upset about the trust issue. When I asked if he was upset about me not trusting him or if he didn't think I would trust him again he hesitatated then said "I can't blame you for not trusting me, I guess I'm just upset that I'm a person that can't be trusted." No, I don't think he has been seeing the OW except for work, but that his PA has turned to an EA that he is having problems shaking it. Also it does not help that the OW was having a hard time around the holidays without her daughter (died 14 months ago), and is going thourgh a divorce and moving on with THEIR plan without my H. <p>So I don't know what to do. I guess I am getting closer to the Plan B stage, although I am definitely not ready to be divorced yet. (Especially after living with the changes my H has made.) That is something that they don't tell you about Plan A/Plan B. I thought after a good Plan A that he would not be responsive and would just have me so pissed off that I would want him gone! But I've fallen more in love with my H after seeing a little bit of my "old" H back. I guess that is what makes it even harder to accept the continued contact. <p>This post isn't going like I thought it would. I know I'm leaving alot out. I do have an appointment with Jennifer next Monday and told my H that I would start the phone counseling and hoped he would join me. He thinks he should wait until he's made a decision about the future. So, we'll see.<p>I've been discouraged hearing about all the posts about continued contact from other "recovered" couples and have trouble trying to make sure that does not influence my decisions. Does it ever end?

heckofagal,<p>I see a lot of my situation in yours, despite the fact that we aren't even to recovery yet. Some of the attitude of the WS anyway, is definitely there ("have to make my mind up soon", etc.)<p>Anyhow, I think the whole working together thing is a real problem. I know that when I get to a point where I can make demands, us moving far, far away will be a precondition - no negotiating, despite the fact that she loves her job, claims it's the best place she can be in the world, etc. I don't really care - I didn't chose to have the affair.<p>Having them even just SEE each other such as in a work environment, I think spoils reconciliation. Geeze, I too am a bit discouraged - is it even worth it anymore, knowing that even one ounce of contact could throw us back into the abyss??

told my H that I would start the phone counseling and hoped he would join me. He thinks he should wait until he's made a decision about the future.
That line ALWAYS cracks me up.<p>If you break your leg, you go to the Dr. You don't wait to see if it'll get better over the weekend.
If you smash your car, you take it to the repair shop, you don't wait to see if it will magically "heal!"<p>Let the people who know what is going on in relationships help you to make a decision. You are not going to do anything you don't want to but they can help you to see the other side of the coin.

Awwwww,
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad... I don't know if you know this, but in Harley's article on how affairs should end, he recommends moving to another state! Probably for the reasons that you mentioned in your very post! Read on...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.<hr></blockquote><p>Here's the link:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html<p>I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. My prayers are with you. Keep the faith! It's good (for your H's sake), that your love bank is not depleted.