I am in a situation like most BS that my wife (WS) has not at all decided to say to me that she is working on the relationship. The only thing that my wife has started doing is inviting me out with her friends who she has been hanging around with. Most of them are her co-workers from work. The counselor said this maybe a way that my wife is trying to work on our marriage. You know how it is all of us BS want the WS to work on it in our way. However I guess they choose to go about it their own unique way.
Here is the part I am having a real hard time with. My wife does invite me out with her co-workers when she goes out. Since the situation is not real good between my wife and myself it is hard to just act like everything my wife does doesn't bother me when it really does. For example most of her co-workers are guys. There is only one other lady who hangs out when they go out and the rest of the people are all men. Usually there is about 6-8 guys and only my wife and another lady. My wife spends a lot of time high fiving other guys and she is always trying to talk to them. One of the guys name is Jerry and the other night this is all I heard out of my wifes mouth. "Hey Jerry", "What's up Jerry", "Remember this Jerry", etc... The guy she was having an EA/PA with has left the company. Only one of the current co-workers going out with us knew about my wife and the other guy. I told my wife the next morning after we went out last time that she was flirting a lot with this guy Jerry. She says "No I wasn't." Basically telling me to shut up and it is all good. We are suppose to go out with her co-workers again on Saturday night and attend a football game with a few of them on Sunday.
Here is my question. When and how do I tell my wife before we go out that a few of the things she does really bothers me when we are out. I can't keep putting myself in a situation where I am just torturing myself. How do I tell her this without LBs????? I do like going out with my wife and her co-workers but there are some things that are really starting to bother me a lot. It is hard enough for me dealing with someone who gives me no affection and it very cold to me, as well as other things.
The big thing is my wife told the counselor that I am no fun and not spontaneous enough. Also my wife says I am too possessive of her. What husband is not some what protective of their wife? I am going out and doing things to show her that I can go out and have fun. That I am spontaneous. She just never told me that was a big partof her EN that she needed.
I don't want to LBs with what I need to tell her so any suggestions? I am tired of being like the ghost to her when we go out.
HELP???

confused_guy,<p>You could state your feeling as a fact. No demand of her changing her behavior w/ or w/o a thread. No angry outburst tone in your voice. It is not an LB'ed at all, it is call radical honesty and trying to communicate your feeling to your SO.<p>IMVHO, just go out again and see if she changes her behavior a bit. If not and you are still bother by it then wrote a very nice love card to her and in one of the paragraph tell her about your feeling [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] and state it as a fact. (do not expect anything out of it) Don't forget to wrote also about your appreciation of the chance that she gave you to go out with her. Do you know how to dance ?, (think what is her top most favorite thing to do as fun) ask her out as a fun date, no sexual or affection but a casual going out just you and her. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good luck

CG --<p>Well before I get too far into this, I'm wondering how long she's been inviting you along.<p>If I were your wife, the first complaint that you give me would give me cause to throw up my hands and say there is no pleasing you.<p>She's letting you be there. She's trying to show you what its all about. She's also exposing all of her co-workers to her marriage, which is a big step of trust. This means she can't play "single woman" with them.<p>I'd be awful careful of critisizing her. Make sure you're not being nitpicky. You'll give her cause to shut you out again.<p>I would agree with Redhat about the honesty policies etc -- but only if your wife accepted and were living by MB principals. Which you have said is not the case.<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: Lexxxy ]</p>

I agree with Lexxy. No matter how you say it, even if it’s in a calm rational matter it’s going to come out as a LB. My husband has a habit of doing this. He’ll decide if he thinks I am flirting with someone. The HE’LL be the one to decide if I have a crush on the person he thinks I’m flirting with. If I say no I don’t have a crush he’ll respond with I know my wife, don’t tell me I don’t. So basically he thinks he knows my own feelings better than I do myself. Usually the person he thinks I’m flirting with or have a crush on is somebody I’m not remotely interested in and wouldn't be if my husband didn't exist. My husband will say these things as facts and then say there I’ve said my piece I won’t mention it again. And he won’t for a couple more weeks. However it tears me up inside, makes me even more jumpy, makes me try to watch every thing I do, makes me withdraw from my friends, and hurts like hell. <p>You’re trying to rebuild, if I were you I would give her the benefit of the doubt for a little while longer. It could be possible that she’s very nervous about having you there and so becomes over enthusiastic and jovial with this other person to cover up you nervousness. I would take her at face value and realize that if she is inviting you, she WANTS you there with her. She’s trying to work on the marriage, it might not be the way you want her to but she is trying, give her time, it’s a slow process.

Thanks for all the advice and the support. I am seeking out everyone for help so I don't make any LBs and just ruin our marriage because of my thinking or more like my own stupidity.
My wife isn't practcing by MB rules. So from what all of you have said I better just keep my mouth shut and take it for what it is worth. When I did say something in a very nice way after we went out about her flirting. You are all right she said "NO WAY" I would never go for that guy. But this is the guy she was smoking pot with so that is why I thought what I did. Just to let you know.
I think I am reading into it too much and have conviced myself that I know my wife when really I don't. Because if I knew my wife I wouldn't be in this situation.
This is very hard and difficult on me. I am tired of her planning out her whole weekend with seeing a friend and whatever. She never wants to spend time with just me and the only time is if we all go out in a group. I don't know how everyone can keep this up because this is the hardest thing I have done in my life. It is so hard. Sometimes I just want to say I quit and I don't diserve this.
Oh one more thing. My wife has been smoking pot with her girl friends and some of her co-workers. This is another reason I have a hard time with it on top of her drinking, lieing, and everything else....
The tunnel is so dark I just want to see some light.....

Your wife needs to grow up. Right now you are married to a someone who is immature and wants to only play. Sometimes we need to accept the fact that some of us change and want different things in life and need to find someone who shares the same interests and objectives. The problem is your wife has a different perception of her role in the marriage to you. By taking you along to meet her buddies she is basically telling you that you will need to accept what you see or leave.

radium,<p>Why don't you answer Z post ?<p>Who are you ? ....

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by confused_guy:
<strong>....The tunnel is so dark I just want to see some light.....</strong><hr></blockquote>
Hope that light is not a freight train light. She is deep into it, all you can do is plan A until she bankrupt your LB$.

I know things must be really hard for you right now, but look at the positives. She is asking you to go along with her. That is a huge positive. Please do not lose sight of that. Look for other positive signs then maybe the negatives will not be so overwhelming.<p>Hang in there. I will be praying for you both.

CG,
Does she even know about MB rules? Or is she like my W and knows about them, but just doesn't think its possible that they will do any good. <p>If she doesn't know about them, maybe you can try and find a creative way to introduce them! <p>I know about this searching for light at the end of the tunnel. Seems so far away, but the light you are searching for CG, isn't going to necessarily come from your W. It sounds strange, but its going to have to come from you, as your learning the things that are going to make YOU better. You're wife sounds like a very selfish person right now...and by plan A'ing and getting nothing back, eventually she will deplete your love bank for her completely, then you will be able to move on. <p>I think the others are right about her inviting you out with friends, this might be a big step for her. Don't judge, listen to her, really listen, because she's probably speaking volumes in the things she's doing and saying and not saying, believe it or not.