Any advice on how to handle this one?<p>I have to take a business trip soon to the city that OM lives in. I'll be gone 3 days. Having H go with me is not an option (he can't be away from work, plus childcare)<p>How should I tell H?
What kind of reaction should I expect?

I don't really know your story or when your dday was but I think the best way to stop a trigger is to put the "safety" on. Tell your Husband and the sooner the better. Call him offen and make sure he can contact you whenever he needs to. Express your love, your committment and your desire to stay married to him. And don't forget to bring him back a special love gift. Good luck and God speed hon

Lexxxy<p>B-cuz my W (WS) also travels a lot and that's where she would see OM (wholives a few states away) I can understand how this would be a big trigger for your H.<p>Now, if it were me as BS, which I am, my reaction would be a bit angry and scared.<p>What I would want from my W prior to leaving is as much reassurance as possible that there was nothing to worry about. <p>Also what I would want is her to commit to keeping in touch---much more than what would be considered normal. Also...I would like to have the opportunity from her to tell me that I can contact her (Hotel, cell, whenever i felt vulnerable) Leaving out business meetings etc. of course.<p>But---ultimately---I as the BS would have to figure that at some point, if the relationship was going to work, I would have to trust. Hard but true.<p>As for telling him...trust begins with truth so I think you just have to be honest and say, honey, this is what I have to do for work. But in doing so do it with continued reassurance and then also with the plan that you will keep in contact with him as much as he needs to be comfortable while you are away.<p>Good luck <p>E

Hello, I generally post on Emotional Needs. I am a WS. I hurt my husband with an EA. DDay was Jan 2001 and from that day forward I have made awesome changes. Its been super hard. He is hurt, devestated and his anger is starting to finally subside....however he has access to anything of mine, my email, my voice mail at work, cell phone, mail, you name it, he has access. I have done NOT ONE THING OFF PATH since this all came out and he has checked I'm sure..but since I have nothing to hide, I am okay with things like this until he starts to feel better about us. Its been very hard and I have been through hell and back but we are making it work, one day at a time. Check my posting of "My Story, Finally" it was posted about a week ago in EMOTIONAL NEEDS. It may help you some. I say let him be able to call you whenever and how ever many times he wants too. Its crucial when he feels edgy to be able to get to you, also surprise him with extra calls just if anything to say I love you, miss you, ETC. and I agree with the others bring him something very special. Email him if you have access...one of those cute email cards....
they are free and will do wonders :-) Good Luck

Thanks to all of you who have replied.<p>I should have been more specific with my situation.<p>I am very near the point of telling H that I want a separation/divorce. I will be moving forward with that plan very shortly.<p>So this isn't a situation where I will be trying to give him reassurances that everything will be ok. Or trying to create a romantic weekend out of it.<p>I guess I just really wanted the perspective of BS's on what kind of emotions this will bring up so that I can try to cope.

Fear, anger, sadness, pain, grief. You name it Lexx, he will likely feel it. The rollercoaster will be full steam with this. Possibly in the end, the day you leave, he will want those assurances spoken of by others. Just before you go he will most likely try telling you how much he loves you. <p> He will probably tell you he trusts you Lexx. He may try to make you feel guilty. Something to get you to actually see the torment he is in by your going. Deep down he will know that it doesn't matter to you, but he will try none the less.<p> I have to tell you Lexx, this is making me very sad. The pictures I am getting of your H as your trip approaches. Sigh. I know how he is gonna feel and it sucks.<p> Try to be compassionate Lexx. Even though he is your husband he is a person in pain as well. <p> I wish things were different for you Lexx. <p> jd

Lexxxy, if you have 1 foot out the door, does it really matter if you are going out of town to the same state OM lived in. When you leave H it is going to hurt worse than you leaving on a business trip. It sounds as if you are looking for a "SHUT HUSBAND UP" answer so that you won't be stressed or face that fact that no matter what you say, TRUTH OR LIE it is going to hurt H. Affairs are very selfish acts and it seems by your comments here that you are still about YOU getting the easy way out. Why ask for a way to handle husband when you don't want to be married to him anymore. I'm quite sure the truth will be more a gift to him, then you trying to convince him that it is a business trip only. Stop keeping him dangling if you don't want anymore anger from him then either step up to the plate or step aside, so this man can heal.

Trying2 -- you have that very very wrong.<p>I want to handle this in a way that is compassionate, sensitive, and understanding of what he's going to feel. I am not out to cause him pain, nor am I oblivious to it. <p>I'm sure that your picture of me is that I'm just a selfish uncaring WS and that my question is about how to make it easy for me. Thats not true. There is no "easy" way nor am I trying to find one.

Lexxxy,<p>If you are really truly care about your H and want Dv, then you tell him your plan. Cut short his pain !.<p>Don't give me that H is not working with M and so on ... Get conseling w/ MB and ask H to join in. At this point your H probably willing to go the distance ... are you ?.<p>You are still deep in the fog. Read trueheart letter to WS like you.

If you really think your relationship is over, Lexxxy...trying to be overly compassionate would only confuse him, I think. If you're truly ready to leave him, then his emotional state is "out of your hands", as it were...just be direct and tell him you're going on the trip. Tell him that you're sorry if this brings up issues for him, but that it's something that he's going to have to figure out how to deal with. At some point you have to just let go and let people deal with their own lives. You had the affair...but no one expects you to be the great "fixer" here. As important as our relationships are, we have to make ourselves our own top priority if we ever expect to have healthy ones.<p>Yes, he'll be hurting...but nothing short of a miraculous recovery in your relationship is going to turn that hurt around. Your situation isn't your fault, or his fault, or anyone's fault...or if it is, it doesn't matter now. What matters is dealing with the situation, Lexxxy...taking responsibility for it. You have to do that...and he has to do that, as well...you both deserve more out of life and love than the stalemate that you're in now.<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

also posted this on your other thread...<p>Lexxxy... you tell him straight out... just like you have here...
whether he believes you or not... is up to him... you cannot control his reaction... AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, you are not responsible for his reaction... <p>see... this is much like my H... AFRAID to say things to me because of the way I MIGHT react... even says that's why he married me... he didn't want to disappoint his family who loved me and didn't want to hurt me...<p>I told him, several weeks ago, that he did me no favors... he saved me from what would have hurt a lot... but I would have gotten over it and moved on... to a bigger hurt now... dumping me and not marrying me vs. marrying me and having an affair... never sure I'll see the logic in that...<p>anyway, I digressed...<p>conflict-avoiders want to avoid painful reactions and feeling responsible for another's feelings and emotions... LET YOURSELF OFF THE HOOK...<p>Cali

Lexx,<p>I'm sorry that you feel that way, truly, I am. I'm also sorry that you're feeling attacked (I would imagine that you are), it's just that so many of us hope and pray that we ALL can live happily ever after (with our originally chosen spouses, that is).<p>Only you truly know what is right for you, it doesn't sound like you've reached your decisions in haste, and I commend you for that.<p>I will be praying for you and your H tonight.<p>I will also pray that my W isn't or doesn't arrive at the spot at which you are. If you have ANY insight into WHAT possibly could have changed things in your situation, maybe it will help some of the rest of us avoid it (for instance taking you for granted in terms of physical affection - the kiss at the ball game, etc...). Your input is much valued.<p>Please take care!
Kev