Hi
I originally posted on Emotional needs and that is where I mainly visit but been reading other areas and see lots of great folks here too, would like for you to please read my story and give me your thoughts....its long, sorry but I greatly apprecaite your time....THANK YOU
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Well Folks, I have been posting here and doing lots of reading the last few weeks. I have come across some real angels that have helped me so much (you know who you are :-) ) I have wanted to tell my story but could not figure out how to start it because it seems so long winded and so many details in order to get the accurate story so I will break it down best I can without writing a novel. Tiny bit of background. I was raised very strict Italian/Catholic. There were two of us kids, however my brother, older than I, was killed at age 19 while serving as a U.S.Marine in Beurit. Once that happened, our home changed forever. Parents went to their corners, they were so unhappy. They completly laid out how my life would be lived. I was very young when Tommy died and felt I now had the responsibilty to make them happy, of course this was doomed from the start. How can a child be responsible for making two parents happy that would not even allow the child to speak much less anything else. At 17, I graduated HS early. Went off on my own, Nursing School and got a job working for the Army on a waiver till I was 18. Worked in the Emergency Room while in Nursing School. Parents totally angry, cut me off from having anything to do with them. How dare I do something other than what they had planned and my two fatal mistakes were leaving home and paying my own way and working for the military. They had become anti-military after losing my brother. Well as time went on, Desert Storm rolled around. I was asked to participate on a medical team going over, although young and still in school, I took the opportunity the Army gave me and went over. While there something very horrible happened and something very awesome happened. I had something horrific happen to me while there one night. You can all guess. But being young, very naive and scared to pieces I kept my mouth shut, a short while later I met who has become my husband. We were just great friends. We became best friends. He was unaware of what happened to me. Returning to the states, I went back to Fort Ord, he went back to Hawaii where he was stationed. We kept in close contact daily and many many visits and making our friendship even stronger. Upon my return I made contact with my parents who did not want to speak to me but they did. I explained what happened overseas, hoping for some help. I was traumatized and scared to death. Instead of support. I got that I deserved it, had I listened to them and stayed with them this would not have happened and that I should be ashamed of myself, blah blah blah and to stay away, no one must EVER know of this incident, what an embarrassment it would be to the family. I left, never to see them again. (they have sinced passed away). I was broken and dead inside. The relationship with my Marine grew. I was transferred to SC to work and shortly after he got orders to SC. Before his orders were issued, on a visit he made to me, it turned from best friends to true loves. After he was transferred to SC, several months later we got married. I was already dying inside and going to the dogs! My depression grew daily. I finally went to him, told him, he was shocked and sickened and glad I told him but we never discussed it again, he wanted it to go away. I don't think he really had the tools to deal with it. So I let it go, but inside I was dying daily. The depression was getting so bad, several years passed and we ended up here where we live, he got a fantastic job and left the Marines. We both got settled here, great jobs, nice house, you name it. We seemed (key word there) happy. However inside I was still dying a slow and full of agony death. I had stopped caring for myself, stopped caring about anything. I worked nights so I did not have to see many people and could be home all day when most people were out and about. I hid from the world. I often thought of plans to end my life. Never could go through with it. I had a friend at at work in which we worked closely. One night his brother was on leave, who happen to be in the Marines too, and he visited his brother at work. I met him. For some reason, something made this person interested in me, WHY??? I don't know. I was a mess, I looked like death warmed over, overweight, hair a mess, dark circles under the eyes, just a sad sight to see. He was a good looking Marine/helo Pilot and via his brother got my email and started to email me. I loved flying so we had a big common interest. It started as just a few friendly emails and out of nowhere grew into a monster EA. We wrote letters, etc. I kept all the letters, had them at home. One night while I was at work, my H found them. Next morning when I tried to leave work to go home, my car would not start, little did I know until later, he had come to my work, taken something off my car engine and I could not drive. I was towed locks were changed at the house. I called him over and over (cell phone) nothing! Finally I got though, he came home, cried and cried, thought this was a full fledged PA and the works. We talked all night to resolve it. I said I would end contact and did. However, I was not anywhere close to changing or anything. I was so out in limbo at that point. I did end contact with OM but 6 mos later, he made contact and I fell right back in. I never did understand what he saw in me. People always told me my weight was nothing bad, that I was a beautiful girl and had a great disposition. I never saw that. I was dead to myself. So...my H finds out and goes ballistic. Orders me out of the house. I left. Same day he decieded to make contact with his family who he had been estranged from for 8 years. Call to his Grandmother. She informs him that his father, mother and fave Aunt are dead. M died Mar 2000 of colon cancer, father died of HA 3 weeks later and a few months later, Aunt killed in accident. You can imagine the total devestaion. He lost his Wife and family. He has two brothers so left to be with them, to try to reunite. Upon return from his first trip to see them I met up with him at the house to give him some things. We were talking but his friend that went on the trip with him, a man he works with, fellow engineer, who HATES women that have jobs and all that, threw a fit that I was at MY house talking to MY husband and so I had to leave. At this point in time, my H was super vulnarble and a mess and this friend had been with him to see his family, leaving his wife and kids behind for him. So he felt some sort of loyalty. but this friend was always telling him that I had too much independence and be careful. My independence consisted of having a job, something his w had not ever had in their 17 year marriage. Ok, since all this, that friend is now kept at bay. My H has come to see that he has some mean underlying things about him and has since distanced himself which is a good thing. They work together and he keeps it strictly professional. He saw the light about that person..and I thank god because I prayed hard about that one.
Ok..next day after I saw him, I came by to bring him some papers I had of his. I knocked on the door of my house and nothing. I heard music blaring but nothing, just then this friend of his from work drives up, saying they were worried, he had not shown up for work. As I am trying to figure out a way to get in the house. This X-Friend calls the Police. They arrive to my shock and he tells them that I am not allowed in the house, and about the EA and everything!!! My H made the mistake of confiding everything to this person. The cops looked at him like he was CRAZY. He told him that I had every right to enter my home, I was not legally seprated and that he should return to work and let them handle this ordeal. THANK GOD FOR THOSE COPS! He did not leav but sat outside, while I gave permission to the police to break a door to enter the home. They did, and found my H on the floor passed out cold. He does not drink nor smoke but he had drank himself in to Alcohol poisening. EMS arrives, we rush to the hospital. I stay with him. Meanwhile the PAIN IN THE A** friend constantly calls my cell phone wanting to speak with my H and when I said he cannot come to the phone, he is basically in a coma you nutcase, he hangs up, but keeps calling. Meanwhile my H's boss calls me. I give her an update and mention the deal with this man. She tells me she will take care of it and he never called back (this man also hates their boss because she is a woman and in charge of them..get the drift?)
Well in the hospital the doc treats my H. Released him to the home so long as someone was tehre. I told him I would take care of him, he wanted that too and I came home with him and took care of him and have been here ever since. This was as of Jan 2001. A few days later when he was recovered I swore to him I would get help, clean up my act, get counseling for what happened, break contact with the OM, which I had already done the day this blew open for the second time and I swore to him I would change. He told me I had a year initially and he was angry in such a horrible way with good reason. I devestated him not once but twice and he lost his parents too. Well since my promise to him in Jan 2001 I got help, I lost..well as of today over 90lbs with about 20 to go at this point. I work out faithfully everyday. We like to joke around about my old clothes and how my old sweatshirts are now dresses :-) Its really something. I have always failed trying to change in the past but time I have not failed...its not an option. I am totally responsible for anything I am asked to take care of or do, which I was not before because I just did not care. I never really cooked we were on opposite schedules, now I work day shift and am home a few hours before him. I fix a great meal for him everynight, the house is kept wonderful, I do things with him, we go places together. It's totally different than before...BUT...he is still cautious and there are somethings he keeps me distant from, one is his family with the exception of his youngest brother and wife as they came to visit us a few months ago and she and I are in contact via email. He is trying hard to restore those relationships with his remaining family but I am kept away from it and like an angel here at the MB told me, perhaps to make sure this time. I mean why should he let me in there until he is certain. I understand that. I was always good to his family but when he cut contact with them for an argument they all had years ago (silly I know) they blamed me, the outsider, saying "He ran off with that College girl and she is keeping him away", they have since been talked to about that by him. He took full responsibility for that and told them it was nothing to do with me, he is a grown man and it was his choice. There is another thing I will share with you next post because this is way to long I'm sure. He really just started coming around the last few months, seems the tide has turned and all my hard work is starting to pay off but he is still as I say cautious and I understand that. I do my very best everyday for him and for myself, for us. I stay motivated, positive and believe me this is a first, so many of our friends are so happy to see me ALIVE...and I see it in his eyes too. Oh don't get me wrong. I feel a horrible shame and guilt for what I did, I cry when I am alone. I cannot believe that I did this to us both. He was NEVER a bad husband. I was just very sick and very depressed and in a bad bad place. We had a great Christmas and New Years. I see progress. I just have a few things I need some support and feedback on from the MB and hopefully you wonderful people can give me a hand. We are in recovery. He has said that he does not want to throw this marriage away and wants to work on it but he is in alot of pain and he is cautious....and I understand...I am making many many Love Deposits!! :-) If anyone has any questions or I can explain anything better. Please ask away.....Its hard for me to write this. I feel shame for what I did but I have faced this head on over a year now and made change. Yes, change is possible. This weekend we were snowed in, the one day we could go out to drive, the driveway had to be shoveled, a year ago I would have had a code blue doing something like that, this weekend I did the entire driveway myself, I wanted to and he let me and I could see the smile on his face when I was done. He told me later he actually looked out the window as I was doing it and was stunned I had so much energy and so forth. He wanted to help so much but I told him to let me do it, go in the house and get ready so we can get to the store when I was done and we did. When before all this he was stuck doing EVERYTHING because I was dead in a coma! I pray for this marriage to work, my H is a great person, loving,forgiving, honest and loyal. I just hate what I did to him...I really do...
Sorry for this being so long..its hard not to give you the details....I apologize and thanks for being here for me.
Sincerely
*T*
