Warning Long:<p>At the risk of upsetting others that might object that I converse with the "enemy" I posted this over on the gloryb board. I have made some friends over there and I won't be apologetic about that just as I am not apologetic about the friends I have made over here. I do not encourage the BS to read or post over there while they are in pain but there does come a time when seeing the other side can be usefull to the BS. I am understanding of the pain a trigger can cause and I know many here are in a lot of pain as was I for over a year. I hope you will take this for what it is worth and that is that you can and will survive the A. It takes a lot of time but one day you do wake up and get that your life is about "you". <p>This is posted in response to "Finally Happy". She has been in the position of the OW (in the past) and is now happily married. She has learned many lessons and shares her wisdom with the OP over there. It's kinda ironic because she is supportive but much of her advice could serve well over here. I'm not sure if she posts here but I know she reads the board.<p>I know I haven't talked about my M situation in quite awhile because there hasn't been much to talk about. I really don't share a lot about myself but seem to spend most of my time trying to help others. If I have come across as condesending or "a know it all" I apologize because that is not my intent (my spelling should prove that!). I have made what I think is real progress in my life and I just wanted to share it.<p>------------<p>
Finally happy:
"How are YOU? I have read your infrequent posts on MB...but they are always to help someone else, and I haven't seen anything new about YOUR situation! Are you doing ok? I know the "let go and let live" is SO DAMN HARD! Has W had a change of heart, or anything? Have YOU? LOL "<p>Funny how you should ask how I am. This past week has been the best week of my life. I think I finally found the path to happiness and I found it in myself. I moved into an apartment right after Christmas (stayed with mom for a couple months before that). I was afraid of the kids reaction but they helped me move and we are basically spliting time 50/50. My kids are happy there and I have made it a home for them. W and I are getting along pretty good and remaining friends. W is finally opening her eyes but is still in denial about a lot of things. She's really depressed at times but seems to be climbing out of it. She's in a lot of pain. This is going to take some time for her. I hope she makes it.<p>Which leads me to my life changing event. This is probably something a lot of you can relate to. I've always been afraid of mentioning things like this because I was afraid of being judged. <p>About a week ago I heard through the grapevine that W was at a christmas party with OM. I know I said I let her go and I really thought I did. When I found out I just kinda passed it off but as the day went by I found myself getting angry. I was angry because I asked W to give me a heads up if she was going to get back with OM. I wanted to hear it from her and not through the grapevine. That's all I asked for and in all reality it was my way of making the end of the marriage her fault. Well, I made a complete [censored] of myself. I got really drunk. Drank hard liquor for the first time in years. Went off on W. I was truly finished with my M. I even told her I was going down the next day to file for D and I meant it. I didn't care what it did to our financial situation. Then the call came that it wasn't her at the party. Holy ****, I'm scum. The next morning when I woke up I knew I hadn't said or did anything really bad but I was out of control within myself and I did hurt her. <p>Went over and apologized to W. I felt like I had hit bottom. No matter how hard I tried I wasn't making complete and lasting changes (we call this type of behavior love busters at MB). I kept thinking about my counseling sessions for the past year. My C kept telling me to give it to God and lots of other AA stuff. I kept trying to give it to God but I'm not a religious person and I just couldn't understand how I could give my life up and wander day to day wondering what someone else had in store for me. My C is a recovering alcholic and one of the most incredible and accepting people I have ever met. I've always looked at him with disbelief of how far he came back from. For an entire year I kept thinking how strong and how much will power he must have. I have since discovered how wrong I am and that I have a huge amount of willpower. That willpower is my problem - I think I can fix anything. <p>Anyways, I made a call to AA that morning and was invited to a meeting that night. I changed my mind about 10 times that day and finally just decided to go. I sat through the first 30 minutes and decided that wasn't for me. These people were talking about the things they had done because of alcohol and some of it was just unbelievable to me. Here I am sitting with people that have 8 DUI's, wake up in the gutter, physically abuse their spouses and kids, gang members, etc. Then one guy in the room stands up and starts talking about how he came in about 5 years ago. The way he talked was just like my situation. He didn't drink everyday, He didn't drink to excess. I can drink 2 drinks and quit (as long as I am going somewhere later), but if it's a Friday night and I pick up a six-pack on the way home, it will be gone that night and I'll probably get another one for Saturday night. Once I drink 3 nights in a row then I make it a point not to drink again for awhile. That usually lasts a month or so then the pattern repeats. Yes, I am an alcoholic. I am powerless to it regardless of my will power and my perception of control.<p>By the end of the meeting I realized I've been playing with fire for about 15 years now and I'm not going to hit bottom like these people. I thought about that meeting all night. Even though I had seperated myself from "the drunks" I wanted to be a part of them. They had something there. Sure I could see a lot of them in pain and many were struggling but there was a bond. I woke up the next morning and went to a morning meeting. As they went around the room it came to a older lady. She spoke with so much happiness and love it was unbelievable. She told stories of waking up on peoples porches not knowing how she ended up there. Now she says she sleeps on her own porch if she wants to. She said she truely loves herself. When she walked out she bent over and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said she loved me. I was pretty shocked but as I sat there I told myself I wanted some of that (no - not THAT - LOL), to love myself. Another defining moment in my life. <p>I woke up this morning thinking about that movie "28 days" with Sandra Bullock. If you've seen the movie then you'll remember the scene when she kept trying to lift the horses foot. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't do it. At the end of the movie when she's tempted to start drinking again she walks over and lifts up the horses foot. I never really understood what it meant when she did that. I thought it meant she would be alright. Now I know what it really meant. Instead of fighting, pulling, and using every bit of will power she had she gave it up to a higher power. Sure, I'm still human and I catch myself all the time worrying about my W, my family, and others problems. I'm starting to take down that "for rent" sign off my forehead. For me that doesn't mean that I can't offer help or compassion. It just means that I can't fix everything and to quit obsessing about it. <p>I hope nobody takes this as being preachy and all that. I know how I was when people would say things like "give it up to God". I don't even know how I really view God but I know there is a power higher than me. It's a pretty scary time but also very exciting. Call it what you want - devine intervention, maybe I'm going crazy but I know I've had a little taste of happiness with myself without depending on others and there's not a damn thing wrong with that. <p>Thanks for asking about me and I truly hope everyone here finds peace. End of sermom.<p>
Father who

I was encouraged by your story...My WS drinks like you but would never admit he has a problem. I seem to be the only one who has a problem with his drinking....no one else. He is on the surface very responsible and giving person. But boy is he a pain in the butt when drunk. He doesn't really drink in public just with his brother and a few friends in the garage and then would come home to me and I would have the "joy" of his company BUT no one (friends, family or coworkers) know this side of him not even OW. He has tremendous control when he wants to save face. His tendency is to just numb out and unwind but it gives him just enough escape to deny and not deal with problems.<p>Letting go and Letting God is the most freeing experience on earth but there is a fine balance in doing our part but leaving the results to a Power greater than ourselves. I admit it is very hard but also very freeing.<p>Thank you for posting---you helped me realize some things about the drinking habits of my WS. This was very revealing for me.<p>God Bless your journey and glad that you can admit to a problem and seek help. <p>TW

who - thanks for the post. I felt good after reading it.<p>WAT

TW,<p>Thanks for the reply. I've been away for a few days.<p>TW:
"He has tremendous control when he wants to save face. His tendency is to just numb out and unwind but it gives him just enough escape to deny and not deal with problems."<p>I went back and read my post. My outburst actually took place before I started drinking that day. My use of alcohol is generally to escape (much like your H) which tells me it's more of a symptom of a larger problem. I do admit to outbursts occasionally when I have been drinking but they are few and far between which is absolutely no excuss. That makes it worse. No predictability. I think the thing that I'm learning in AA is how to manage my life so I don't need this "escape". As far as the "larger problem" I'm beginning to see that I've pretty much never failed at anything - or at least refused to see that I did. Not being able to pick my marriage up and put it on my shoulders and "fix-it" was a huge blow to me. I know I've described W as a perfectionist but that description would apply to me also. <p>
TW:
"Letting go and Letting God is the most freeing experience on earth but there is a fine balance in doing our part but leaving the results to a Power greater than ourselves. I admit it is very hard but also very freeing."<p>Some people have no problem at all accepting this. I wish I was that lucky. I admit that I'm struggling with this. Finding that balance is tricky but I think for the first time I've really seen and accepted that this is the way for me. <p>WAT,<p>As always, thanks for your support. <p>I know many here probably read this post and said, "HUH... what does this have to do with MB?" I think we BS's are accused of being controlling. Many times not rightfully so. We really don't feel like we are because we just want to be dealt with honestly. What really comes across as contolling is the fact that many of us - me especially - become/became dependant upon the success and recovery of the M which is entirely out of our control. Our very happiness is dependent on one thing, the M, and that is not healthy. We let our children see us moping around, we become unproductive at work and in our lives in general. We let our M situation keep us from friends and family. When we are with them there is this ugly cloud hanging in the room. Many of us like to blame that cloud on the WS (verbally or in our own mind) but that is wrong. We are the ones that can't get past it because we take our pain to far. I hope I didn't offend any here. This is the most painfull experience I have ever been through and it does take time. Anyways, that's why I see a common thread between alcohol and many problems we face here. Just my ramblings.<p>Best wishes to all for listening,<p>
who<p>[ January 14, 2002: Message edited by: whothehellisshe ]</p>

WHO-<p>Sounds like the top of the triangle may be in sight for this part of the journey. Thanx for sharing that part of your life, it will give us all inspiration to continue on, knowing that there are better things in store for us. Funny how it seems like this nightmare will never end and then all of a sudden you realize what progress you truly have made.

Father Who,<p>That is truly inspiring. It brought a tear to my eye reading it. Maybe that is what I need to do in my situation. My only problem, up til my Ws affair, I have not been to church in many years, I have never prayed, though I do believe in a higher power than myself. Now, I pray on a almost daily basis. It just seems like the prayers go unanswered, (Maybe I need to be smacked in the head with a 2x4 or something) I just can't see it.<p>Your post, along with the great amounts of help here @ MBs, keeps me going and praying.<p>Thank you and God Bless.

LHS, <p>Ummmmm...........actually I'm just finally seeing how far I have to go. You are right about a couple of things. Things do get better and you really do make progress but only when you're willing to. It's good to hear from you. I hope you are holding up well. I will continue to look forward to your posts.<p>
Torizo,<p>Please with the "Father". I was only taking a sarcastic swipe at myself. I hope you were doing the same. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] LOL<p>Seriously, I know things can get real tough. I know what it's like to read something or hear a song and just start crying. It can get pretty dark. I can't tell you all the things that I've read here that have kept pushing me along. They have truely made me a better person.<p>
Good luck all,<p>who<p>
who

I see so many similaities here with addiction and affairs. The looking for something else to fill the void or make a person feel better. The using of substances or other people to find acceptance and recognition. The trying to block out what hurts. I think that alot of us are such damaged souls that we don't have the tools to fix out lives or interact with each other healthfully. That is why AA and Alanon and a personal relationship with God and the Harley principles give us tools to work with. <p>Willingness is a key factor in changing. I think we can do anything when we are willing. <p>You will change, you will grow and you will learn how to live more productively if you stay willing to use the tools that God has to offer you.<p>TW