My MIL Samantha said that I probably should let you guys know that I am new here.<p>My husband (24), obviously Samantha's son, told me on his birthday, October 16th, that he didn't want to be married any longer. Said there was no one else, just not happy. That evening I found e-mails to the OW and later that week for naked pictures of the OW on the digital camera. H got physical with me, I got scared for my safety and that of my 3-year old daughter's, and felt forced to move out of my home. I moved out within 2 weeks of D-Day.<p>Since then, my H and I have been on again / off again with the hopes of rebuilding our marriage. When the OW and her BF are getting along, our relationship does great - when the OW and her BF are doing bad, our relationship suffers. I have met the OW and H insists that there is nothing physical going on, but believe the amount of time spent with the OW is causing an emotional affair. <p>The OW is 19 years old and I believe to be quite immature, she wants us to be friends. The 3 of us have had dinner together and OW has watched our daughter while H and I have gone out and spent time together. H insists that I accept his friendship with her or I will be out of his life completely, he has even gave his mother the same ultimatum - accept OW or lose him.<p>I am trying to decide whether to Plan A or Plan B, even though it's been a short amount of time, H has requested a long break from each other.<p>I will be posting mostly on the Plan A/B board.

Emerald,<p>I am sorry that you find the need to be here at MB, on the other hand, under the circumstances, this is the right place. It is good that your relationship with your MIL is close enough that she directed you here. You will need all the support you can get.<p>RE: H got physical with me, I got scared for my safety and that of my 3-year old daughter's, and felt forced to move out of my home. I moved out within 2 weeks of D-Day.<p>When you say he got physical, what did he do that you were afraid for your and your daughter's safety? Is this the first time he has ever been physical? If not how often has this happened? Do you and H own the house he is staying in? It is not right that you had to move out of the house. Did you call the police? <p>RE: H insists that I accept his friendship with her or I will be out of his life completely, he has even gave his mother the same ultimatum - accept OW or lose him.<p>Even Plan A does not require that you accept this relationship. Your H is having an affair whether or not he will admit to it. His relationship with the girl is inappropriate. If you do decide to go to Plan A, then explain to him that you will not accept his relationship with her. That you do not want her in or near your home again. You can say this in the most non-love-busting manner. But be firm. While there are few boundaries in Plan A. There are some that have to be set. Believe it or not, some men try to include their girl friends in their family life. My ex-FIL used to bring his mistress home for his wife to cook for? nice huh? Your home is your and your daughter's sanctuary. Do not let that be transgressed any longer. If you set this boundary and he decided to be out of your life, then it is his decision. I rather doubt that he will do this to either his mother or to you. This is a bluff I would call because there is no way you should subject yourself to this. If he chooses to leave, then I would go to Plan B immediately.<p>Just my 2 cents.

Zorweb -<p>Thank you for reaching out and responding to me.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>When you say he got physical, what did he do that you were afraid for your and your daughter's safety? Is this the first time he has ever been physical? If not how often has this happened? Do you and H own the house he is staying in? It is not right that you had to move out of the house. Did you call the police? <hr></blockquote><p>In the past, he has pushed me around a few times, but nothing to really hurt me or make me feel afraid. He has never touched my daughter, though do I ever think that he would, but I did not want her to see him hurt me. The day that he got physical with me was the day I found the naked pictures of the OW. I told him that I had found them, he was extremely upset to say the least, and wanted to know what I had done with the camera. I tried to leave and he pushed me away and slammed the front door, so I went out the garage, before I could make it to my car, he dragged me back in, threw me across the garage. I tried dialing 911 on my cell, but he slammed it shut before the call went through. He took me back in the house where I thought my life is not worth stupid pictures and gave the camera back. I ran outside with my cell phone and called 911 who were there almost instantly, but he was gone before they could. I made a report, they took pictures, but I did not press charges because I did not want to make matters worse.

Dear Emerald,<p>Welcome to MB. With such a good MIL, I am sure you are very familar with all the info here but when it hits close to home it is still good to review it. The angle changes a bit when you are right in the midst of things. Very different picture. <p>Samantha has helped many here and I am sure may feel somewhat helpless at what is going on in your family. Know that you will be supported here and I am sure you have good support around you. <p>The fact that your H is giving you ultimatums goes to show that there is something tugging at those heart strings. Sam has seen many of our stories so she knows what a WS is truly capable of. I often wonder what it would be like if this happened to my son. <p>Please remember that our support is for you and your family. I already feel like you are one of us since you probably have heard some of our stuff. <p>So Emerald read, learn, cry, vent. Guess you are going to go through all the BS stuff. The good thing is that you are not alone. <p>Take Care,
L.

Orchid,<p>Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and support.<p>I do feel that he still cares very much and even loves me, though with the OW constantly around I believe that it is causing a lot of confusion. He wanted us to all be "friends" , but after my contact with the OW I think it has made the situation more difficult for him to deal with.<p>Samantha has been my rock since D-Day, always being there for me to cry to, talk to and answer all my questions. I can imagine she has helped many here as well.

Hi, Emerald. Samantha told me you would be here. I'm so glad that you have her to talk to during this time....she certainly saved my sanity more than once!<p>You pretty much know what most of us will say. I'm an absolute advocate of a great Plan A, but there are rules and you are the one with the power to make them. <p>No violence. Ever. Absolutely. No exceptions. This is primary.<p>OW has never been, is not and will never be YOUR friend. Don't pretend that she is. Don't put her down - she's just another person making another bad decision - but don't accept her attempt at friendship and don't allow it to be forced on you.<p>You do NOT have to accept his friendship with her is you don't choose to. I did, but MUCH later in this game and for my own reasons (once I discovered, like we all do eventually, that OW is not our problem). Doesn't matter....Robert grew tired of her and ended any association long ago. If it's not right for you or for your marriage, do not accept it. You have many alternatives, not all involving seperation or Plan B.<p>Most of all, please know that you are not alone and that there is light at the end of this road. Many of us have come out the other side with happy, healthy marriages. Most all of us come out the other side with happy, healthy lives - no matter what.<p>Just wanted to say hi and let you know we're here if you need us. I rarely come by anymore, but you can reach me anytime. Besides, there are tons of wonderful folks here to help you.<p>Hang in there. It's tough, but you can do it.<p>Love,<p>Lori

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A hearty WELCOME,Emerald. Thank your lucky stars that you have a wonderful MIL like Samantha. I, too, have great in-laws who support me and my children through the thick and thin of their son's endless crises. <p>The best advise that I can lend to you is to look out for number one and number two....you and your child. Try to keep some form of normalcy in your lives despite the agony that you face each day with your WH. And know that his choice of leaving the marriage by way of an affair is not your fault. Yes, you may have helped to cultivate the atmosphere for discourse within the union but in no uncertain circumstances are you responsible for his method of resolving his issues of unhappiness with another woman. <p>I feel your pain as though it is my own (heck...it is my own....gotta' laugh cuz I'm tired of crying..LOL). Stength comes in numbers....we are here for you.