I know I am still a newbie. I read these posts of people hanging in for over a year and it is incredible to me. I hope this feeling in my gut goes numb after a while, if it doesn't I will be in trouble. I am posting now because I want to know from you out there that are in front of me what you think will happen next. Like I said D-day 12/12
- I find MB and start plan A 12/17
- Anti Depressant 12/17
- MC 12/17 seperately
- Confront OM 12/19 (nothing good came of it)
- 1/1 both of us read "His Needs/Her Needs"
- 1/6 she confesses details of affair, she still loves him and cant change the way she feels for him. Is willing to break up both marriages to be happy. She says he is seperated.
- 1/8 asks that I leave, I plan business trip to give her space (4 days). MC agrees its the right thing.
- 1/10 first session with Jennifer H., just me and some supportive friends
- 1/11 OM tells wife, I find out they have 2 kids 3 and 6. The BS is devastated, had no idea. My WS tells me this, apologizes for lying.
- still no remorse<p>OK thats the highlights. I want to talk to his wife so bad and put her onto MB. I asked my WS to ask OM if it was OK and he could not believe that I would suggest it. I am not sure of my reasons, but I hope its because it has not been that long since I was there and I would not wish that on anyone. The OM did agree to counseling and I understand they have been once. Should I pursue contacting ?<p>What happens next in this, realizing that there is no timetable I am trying to stay one step ahead. I asked Jennifer that question, she thinks she is going to leave. That hurts, but she has been right about everything else. I cant even think how I am going to take care of the 3 kids while she "figures out what she wants". Anyone that has learned from that particular experience I would definitely like some advice.<p>I close by saying that I am still in love. Hopefully I can say that each month. I did turn my wife onto MB so this is the last time I post under this name. I saved a thread that someone sent me from GQII archive that was sent from a WS that had reconciled and I think she was 8 months into recovery. I e-mailed it to my WS. She is convinced that it was written by a BS trying to sway other WS's to reconcile. This whole thing is so ridiculous sometimes I laugh until I cry. Hopefully she will post with some of her questions. Thanks for the dime, (phone call reference)<p>Jeff
(I got to come up with one of those cool quotes)

Dear Jeff (Newbie),<p>I think you are moving along amazingly well. I'm talking speed here; I know the desired results aren't there yet for you. You are certainly showing that you are willing to do all you can to save your marriage. How can your W not see that?<p>Well,in reading your story, I have to say that I was struck by the selfishness in general of betraying spouses. I really feel for you on the concerns of taking care of the three kids by yourself.<p>I wish you every good thing and the strength to deal with the day-to-day concerns as well as all the emotions. It's a tough battle, I know.<p>On your particular question, my gut reaction is to dissuade you from contacting the OM. What good can come of it? But then, I'm not a professional.<p>I would like to know how you went about setting up the counseling with Jennifer. I think I'd like to seriously consider that.<p>Well, good luck. You're not alone. I admire your courage and resolve and wish you the best.

Hi Jeff ~ welcome to MBs. I am sorry for the reasons you have found us, but you are very welcome. Sounds like you are taking some very good steps in getting support for yourself (ie counseling with the Harleys). Now take a deep breath, and dig in, you are probably in for the worst rollercoaster ride of your life. Statistically it seems that most affairs lasts anywhere from 6 months to 2 years after exposed to the light of day. So you can see, you are just at the beginning of this experience. While your wife is actively in an affair, there is nothing to be done about your marriage. You aren't in competition with the OM. Relationship talks (as badly as you will need them) with your wife will be absolutely pointless, and actually will serve to drive her farther from you.<p>Time for plan A [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Plan A is how you survive this experience...regardless of the outcome. Get out your microscope and take a good hard look at yourself. See stuff you don't like? Good. Now you have something to do while waiting out your wife's affair.<p>Fix yourself. She is 100% at fault for choosing to have an affair, but you are BOTH at fault for the state of your marriage and how it got to this point. So, do the thing you can do, which is take responsiblity for your part of your marriage by learning how to avoid lovebusting, and demonstrating to her and to yourself that you can and will make the changes necessary to be successfull at marriage. Will Plan A bring her home? Probably not. But what it will do is leave her with a favorable impression of you, and if she does consider coming home...you will look like a desirable choice. It gives you something positive, and constructive and beneficial to do while waiting for her affair to end. Even if she doesn't come home - YOU will be a better person in the end.<p>Everyone on these boards are at different stages in this process. You'll get lots of help and hope. Not everyone's marriages survive - but we as individuals do. <p>I hope you stick around and get the support you'll need for the coming months. Don't be afraid to vent, or ask for help. And if you are really struggling, don't be hesitant to see your doctor and get a prescription for antidepressants.<p>You can do this. Welcome!

AGAIG and Bramble,<p>Thanks for the replies, The telephone number to set up an appt. with Jennifer is on the website. Basically Steve H works the days and Jennifer H. does the nights. I recommend it because she says "the road to recovery is a narrow one" and she helps you define waht that road is based on her teachings and past experiences. So if your not sure she can tell you. <p>Now I am on a mission, not to talk to OM but to talk to OM's wife. We share this common bond like we all do here. I have gotten so much from posting here that I want her to have the same advantage. My god she is in the 5th day since D-day, she is in a lot of pain. It is still fresh in my mind. The question is, is it a love buster to do this. I want to believe it wont be because it will be a one time thing, not a bad habit.<p>Moving on, I have a good understanding why this happened to me and I have even documented my plan A so that I wont forget. What else can I do? I am tired of feeling that I have been beaten down. I have spent an entire month thinking of nothing else. I need help to get me to focus on something else. I have been working out because that is the only thing that keeps me from beating my head against a wall. I need to exude the confidence and the swagger I had before all this happened. I asked my counselor and she said I had to have a "whatever " attitude about it. How do you do that. I need more control over my mind and my thoughts. I need to engrain a process that kicks in whenever I start thinking about a future without my W and K. I was thinking maybe yoga, meditation, or Tai Chi. But thats because I know absolutely nothing about them. I do have an appt with our church counselor to see if he has any ideas in this regard. I have some hope for this, if I can convince myself that God has a purpose here then I can use Jesus and his teachings to help me get back on track.<p>Last thoughts, Just before the session with Jennifer was over she gave me a little pep talk and she turned me onto a book called "The Legacy Of Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein. I think the reason she did it was to keep me motivated in plan A because it sure did not make me feel any better about my situation. What hit me the hardest was what would be the psychological effect of divorce on my kids then also on their kids (my grand children!). <p>I think I will leave that one laying around with some highlighted passages in it. It amazes me how the human spirit can allow itself to be so blind to the truth when it is "in love". <p>Jeff

Jeff ~ If you are in plan A, and your wife doesn't want you to contact the OM's wife, then to do so is a love buster. If the wife didn't know about the affair, I'd probably agree you should let the wife know....but your own marriage has to come first.<p>Something to be extremely wary about also: You are going to be extremely vulnerable to an affair yourself right now. Your own self esteem and pride has suffered a tremendous blow, you are dealing with a lot of grief and adjustment to the knowledge that the one person you loved and trusted more than any other has betrayed you and outright rejected you. Your ENs aren't being met, and your taker has got to be more than a tad upset about that. So spending alot of time confiding deep hurts and feelings with a member of the opposite sex right now is not a really good idea. Let the OM's wife seek out support elsewhere - not from you. You might just send her a copy of Surviving an Affair and give her the website address, but other than that...keep your distance.<p>As for activities...I found my 12 step program extremely helpful. The obsessive thoughts are pretty much part of the experience. <p>Here is a start: Detachment with Love<p>Kickboxing might be a useful sport to take up, it will help with the anger that's for sure [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I was pregnant and disabled through most of my H's A so I couldn't do anything fun and satisfying like that [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Great advice, Bramblerose. We are lucky to have you onboard and offering insights. I have to give a big thumbs up on this advice, Jeff.<p>Asgood

Hi Jeff...<p>I am nine months into the rollercoaster and know exactly how you feel... the thought at one or two months of one to two years was unfathomable ... don't think about it as it is too overwhelming... one day at a time... <p>I remember posting early on about plan A... I wanted specifics... yeah... I knew no LB's, meet EN's... but I am a results girl... I need to DO specific things... DivorceBusting and Divorce Remedy are terrific at laying down specifics and Weiner-Davis clearly writes the hows and how nots and the whys and why nots... spells it right out... If you have to choose... get Divorce Remedy.<p>BTW... I'd keep the books to myself while she's still with OW... it's only gonna drive her away... don't leave articles around or pages marked... your best bet is NO relationship talks and NO affair talks... keep it about house, kids, life in general...<p>Make sure that you are taking care of you... many find 6 or so months down the line, the become ill... I recently recovered from pneumonia...<p>As for taking care of the kids... many guys on here have done it... I'd post to Knight?mare and WAT, for example, for advise...<p>Finally... as much as you want to help OM's wife... it can backfire... I told OW's H about site... he told her... I told my H... and this summer I was ambushed by all three... WAIT until SHE (your wife) is ready...<p>Take care,<p>Cali