If anyone out there could help me, please I really need it. My WH is a fairly prominent person in the community who has had numerous affairs (D-day 09-14-01). He was in contact w/ most recent OW til just yesterday when he vowed that there would be no more.(I've heard that before). He had been in recovery for 10 years. He is currently in a rehab clinic because last weekend he went off the deep end when I kicked him out of the house for continually lying about his contact w/ OW and he started using again. <p>To make a long story short, his office has told everyone that he is out for sick leave for some time. Now everyone is wondering what the heck happened, does he have cancer, is it drugs/alcohol, etc. I have had calls from people I don't even know to my house number which is unlisted! I feel very violated. What's worse is that it turns out that the most recent OW is a friend of a friend of a nurse who works in his office. My SIL who knows many of the people in the office (she used to work there) told me that a lot of people up there know about the A and know who this OW is. I am terribly humiliated and hurt. <p>This just brings back to me that terrible time when he first confessed. I am afraid to leave my house because I might see someone I know or who knows about the A's. How do I deal with this?<p>I also feel like I will never be able to go back up to that office ever again because everyone will just know about everything. I can't stand the thought of them looking at me and KNOWING. Pleas can anyone help me?

Dear firefly10,<p>The embarrassment and humilitaion is not yours to bear, it is your WH's shame. You are not the wrong-doer, you are not the cause of your WH's behavior. Shame is his weakness and his failure to deal with his own issues.<p>I'd bet that people who know your H know of his problems and weaknesses. I'd bet that they talk about the wrong things he is doing. Everyone knows that HE has real problems. The fact that he is in rehab shows everyone where the heart of the problem lies. Please think hard about the fact that there is nothing, NOTHING, for you to be humiliated about. <p>IMO, people will be looking at how you respond to this latest insult. If you handle it with calm dignity and have a plan of action to deal with it, people will respect you. <p>Have you had time to decide what your next action will be? The fact that your family is known in the community makes your situation public and harder to deal with. Let us know what you decide. I'll go back and catch up with your earlier posts.<p>Take care,
Estes

Firefly,<p>I know it is hard to not react to being the subject of gossip, but you need to remind yourself that you DID NOTHING WRONG HERE. You have done NOTHING to be ashamed of, your husband has. Please keep reminding yourself of that reality and go out and HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH. <p>In fact, if I were you, I would go out of my way and go in that office with my head held high to let them know that you are not ashamed of a damn thing. Try to be as gregarious and friendly as possible. <p>The faster you get out there the faster you will get over this. And the longer you wait the worse it will get, because your ABSENCE will only cause the stories to get more and more lurid. Your presence will probably calm alot of it down. Get out there!<p>NOW, your WH might have a valid reason to hang his head in shame in public, but you sure don't.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Dear Estes, melodylan and mylife,
thanks for your kind words. I am sitting here at my computer just crying my eyes out because our situation seems so awful. He has called me repeatedly from rehab (its out of state) and after a few days of being VERY mad at me (I instigated the intervention for rehab w/ a group of other docs in recovery) he seems to be a bit clearer about WHY he's there. He has been very tearful and emotional and feels very badly about the way he has led his life. I want to believe its true. <p>I found out that he was STILL calling the OW from there, using a calling card to our home phone! I tried not to LB when I next spoke to him but just stated that I wanted to know how often he had called her so that I wouldn't freak out when I got the phone bill. He admitted that it had been a few times a day. He's only been there since Monday. I just told him that it seems that nothing has changed from before. He replied that he would stop from here on out. He would call her no more and she had no way to call him. I'd like to believe him. He has been so remorseful, for the first time ever. He has told me that he loved me, our kids and that he was going to get help for his long-standing problems. (Really bad childhood, on and off drug use from an early age, all that stuff).<p>Today he repeated all that and wants me to get into alanon, our kids into alateen. He also said that the OW was not his priority anymore and that he would call her no more. I go between wanting desperately to believe him and being so suspicious that he is toeing the line so that they will let him out. Its going to be hard until he gets back, so I can really see if his actions and words are the same. <p>If anyone out there has stayed with a WH who has had repeated A's then that person was able to turn their life around, I would love to hear from you. My email is :<p>cckolyer1@aol.com<p>Thanks again to all of you, I would not be anywhere as well off as I am if I couldn't come here to read and write. Why is there so much suffering ?