Thanks for your responses to my story...here is the second part I wrote..mind giving me your thoughts on this..thanks so much. Just so you know..its been a great weekend so far [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Thanks for thinking of me..its hard being the WS..the shame and guilt is HORRIBLE....This was from last week but I would like your thoughts. I am trying my hardest but do have some very blue days...but I will NEVER quit...Thanks everyone!<p>************************************
Hi Everyone,
For those that don't know my situation, please scroll down the EN board, it's called, My Story, Finally. I came to vent I guess..I just finished working out, something I do daily since recovery started Jan 2001. For some reason out of nowhere, I start to cry. Just buckets of tears...How could I have ever done such a thing (my EA) to my H and to myself. Well I know why but I just hate that it went that far, that I could not change and get better before involving someone else. I feel so much shame for it, guilt for it and even though we are working to save our marriage, how will he ever see me the same or feel the same for me again. How can he? I have worked hard every single day since Jan 2001 to change and better things and have done very well, shocked him quite a bit, and I continue to move forward and keep getting better but I'm just sad today. I hate what I did so much. I know that I'm lucky to have been given a chance considering what I did (read my story) and initially I allowed myself to be a doormat the first few months because I felt so responsible for his pain, that I took whatever he said and did to me, that changed as I got stronger. I don't allow myself being a doormat anymore. If I feel that feeling, I say, "I know I made a mistake, I am sorry with all my heart, you gave me a chance, I took it and changed but you can't treat me however you want based on what I did" Is that wrong. I mean, things have been going good, occasionally something comes up and it's always as if he uses what I did as justification for jumping me about something. How long are you to be punished for doing a bad thing? The other thing that makes me sad and I would love feedback on this is, we always said I love you everyday before all this, when it all came out the final time, after we talked things out and started working on things, he said it once, since then he won't in a manner, and try to follow me here, in a manner like I have to earn that part back..hearing those words. If I ask him, does he love me, he says "If I did not love you, do you honestly think you would be here and we would be trying" and a host of other things.
He says that common sense should tell me he does..but folks..he won't say it...it seems like he wants too and every morning when he leaves, he comes to get me and asks for a hug, I used to be the one doing that but now he does, (good sign)and I tell him I love him and he hugs me tight and I see it in his eyes but he won't say it and it's as if he is being, well actually he is being very cautious...I don't blame him for that. I guess I just miss hearing it..I am an advocate for Actions speak louder than words. His actions speak lots of love, things we do, plan, so forth..Do you think it's really possible he is protecting his heart by reserving that for the right time? We are in touch through the day on email or IM. We spend most of our time with the exception of work together and have a nice time. Had a great Christmas and New Year..Am I being silly about wanting to hear those words? Should I Shut up and just keep doing what I'm doing and it will come? I get tons of compliments from him on how well I have done, how I have changed and I see the pride in his eyes when someone, or a friend of ours, freaks out after seeing me...because they cannot believe the difference in me. Our close friends tell me, without me asking, how much he loves me, he is just still recovering from the pain...Can you be in love with someone and not tell them "I love you" due to pain? I'm rambling here..I just sad..I will pull myself together here. Just had to ask..the good people of this board. I try to help whomever I can..guess now I am asking for some feedback. I was afraid my story posting made it seem like all is perfect now, far from it. It work, hard work, to redeem myself and rebuild trust with him BUT its worth it to me. I will do what it takes and have been and he see's that. We do things now we never did before it went bad..and its neat..its because I've opened up, not hiding anymore, don't need to. Just feeling a little scrambled today
Ok..sorry...thanks in advance for the feedback..
--------------------<p>*T*
Married 8 years in March
No Kids/ One Fat Cat
I am WS/ EA ended Jan 2001/In Recovery ever since..........
Husband is Betrayed Spouse
Given another chance...restoring our marriage.<p>"I WOKE UP ONE DAY TO FIND THE WORLD AS IT WAS ALWAYS SUPPOSE TO BE"
julia roberts quote in her movie/My Best Friends Wedding
